Essays

I cannot write essays. I mean, they are the hardest thing to write. They're boring, long, and you have to talk about completely idiotic things. Like, what is the metaphor of #3's behavior is the classic play 12 Angry Men. Okay, come on, people, I just don't want to write that stuff. Look, were you ever in 6th grade? Think back. If you were in the advanced English like me, too bad, so sad. Essays all year, not a hint of fiction or poetry. Actually, scratch that. We started with grammatical errors at the beginning. And all the time, the normal English is learning how to write plays, short stories, and mysteries. Makes you think being smart is overrated. Let me just elaborate on my dislike of essays.
I always get writers block. I'll begin this line or whatever, and then I think: Oh, maybe I'll get writers block, hardy har! And then boom, I do. Okay, so maybe I just made it sound like I make myself get writers block, but no. That evil, scheming essay tricked me into it. Trust me. So now I'm thinking, oh, maybe I'll get writers block writing this! And look what happens! I totally have no ideas, like, for example...ummm...uhhhh...oh, I'll get back to that. (See!? See what it does to me?)
I bet I would like my essays better if we got to write about sophisticated topics that matter in the world, like, How to Chew Milk. HA! Bet Mrs. Lee (English teacher who forces us to write the most disgusting essays in the world and refuses downright to let us write any fictional or comedic piece, even for fun) couldn't think of that one. I mean, come on. Writing about things that will never mean anything to me doesn't really make me feel like a writer. It makes me feel like a typical 6th grader. Not that that's a bad thing...but, I don't want my middle school writing experience to turn me off to writing. I'm not saying essays aren't important in life, I'm just saying that essays are about important things. Things that we believe in. And I certainly don't give a crap that #3 represents a greater side to our justice system, a subtle metaphor that hints at the flaws in our law....or, whatever.
Essays aren't me. I mean, they could be, if Mrs. Lee would let us write what we want. I'm not blaming her exactly, but she basically bans everything everybody wants to put into their essay. What's the fun of writing when it's not you? I want to express myself in my writing, but essays keep me totally on task and disciplined. Sometimes this is a good thing, but I want to be a novel writer when I grow up. Come one, who doesn't want to be an eccentric woman who lives in a cottage with a garden and papers all over her study that rustle in the breeze and...am I getting off topic? Gosh, I need to be more disciplined. But really, if I'm writing an essay about what the Golden Gate Bridge means to a girl in the Chinese revolution, I'm not going to be able to talk much about the beauty of the innocent amongst the tyrannical people who joined the Red Guards in a greedy, ambitious search for power. I suppose I could, but that would be a whole new essay. Sure I could write it, but Mrs. Lee doesn't want me wasting my time on something that's not in the curriculum. I guess I could write at home, but I'm way to busy writing novels.
Look, you've probably written an essay before. You've either loved it, hated it, or felt neutral. But I'm not going to talk for you. I know that I am seriously turned off to essays with topics that don't matter to me, and that I'm kind of against our school curriculum. But, you know, typical 6th grader. So if you like essays, great! That makes one of us.
HEY! Did I just write an essay?