My Testimony

    I grew up in Meridian, Idaho: the child of two loving and attentive parents with no major addictions other than smoking and the occasional beer. Growing up I always had the feeling I was different, but I didn’t know why. I can’t remember ever playing or having fun like the other kids.

    When I grew up, my parents and I moved to Portland, Oregon. I got my own place for the first time. I lived with my godfather, who was a priest, and his roommates. I had a lot of respect for them, so when I found out they used drugs I wanted to try them, too. I started out with pot, but really didn’t care for it much. Then one day I was introduced to my new best friend … cocaine.

    I got into a relationship with my roommates dealer. It was perfect. He got sex … I got free drugs. This went on for about thirteen years. Eventually, he treated me like a speck of dust on his shoe … but, I stayed with him for the drugs anyway. I started stealing from him every chance I got … a little here, a little there. I would get high every other night.

    Then when my parents decided to move back to Meridian, I, for some unknown reason, went with them. Maybe, deep down, I knew something had to change.

    It wasn’t long before the craving started. I went to the bar only to find out that meth was the local favorite. It was love at first snort. Wow, it lasted all night long!

    I was now a regular at the bar … leaving with anyone and everyone that had drugs. I spiraled out of control quickly. I needed a change. Maternal thoughts soon overwhelmed me. I wanted a baby so bad it hurt. Thus, my daughter, Willow Rose, was born. She was the best thing that ever happened to me.

    I was clean for a couple of years. Then, around Christmas time, I was feeling really depressed. The opportunity presented itself … and off I was again.

    This time I limited my use to once a week and then only at home at night when my daughter was asleep. I would just sit at the computer and play solitaire all night long … climbing into bed right before she woke up so she wouldn’t know I had been up all night.

    This routine started playing havoc with my meds. I would be depressed and inattentive the rest of the week. Soon, I noticed I was neglecting my daughter all together. I felt guilty and ashamed.

    I decided to stop. But, at the end of each week when it was time to use again, I would have severe anxiety attacks. They were so bad that they actually made me physically sick. These would go on until I eventually gave in and made the call for more.

    This went on for several months until one night I felt really strange. I got down on my knees and prayed for help. I admitted to God that I was powerless over my addiction and that my life had become unmanageable. The next day the anxiety attacks stopped and I have not used since!

    I have come full circle through the darkness into the light of God‘s love. He has raised me from the depths of despair and self-loathing into His open arms.

    So, you might ask, how did I get to this point? It wasn’t as hard as you might think … but it was a lot of work.

    First, I had to admit that I was powerless over all peoples, places, and things, including my addiction. Also, that my life had become unmanageable. This was easy enough because it was all true. No one can control their surroundings, just their own growth in the Spirit. When I acknowledged this simple fact, I was then free to work on my much needed spiritual development.

    Second, I had to deepen my personal relationship with my Lord Jesus Christ. This can take a lifetime of never ending work. My concept of God and His loving mercy was weak due to years of neglect. I had to reestablish my basic foundations on which I could later build upon.

    Third, I had to turn my life and my will over to God. This I must do on a daily basis. Every morning I pray for the wisdom to know His will and the strength and courage to carry it out.

    That brings me to where I am now. I am seeking to bring to light my character defects. These must also be turned over to God for healing. However, there are quite a few of them. So, this step may be a long and worthy process.