Mr. Bitting vs. Chuck Norris (finished)

As Chuck Norris made his way up the stage, the auditorium fell silent. It was not often that Central Noble High School had decent speakers, let alone a living legend as they had on December 17 in the year 2012.

When Chuck began to introduce himself his voice was so intense that 12 students and a teacher fainted. He gave his speech and afterwards those who were strong enough to remain conscious said it was the greatest thing they had ever experienced.

As the students were leaving Chuck made his was down to talk to Mr. Bitting, Central Noble’s vice principle, assistant football coach, track coach, and head of the weight lifting program. As he was walking he stubbed his pinky toe and let slip the “d” word. Mr. Bitting, who did not approve of such language, gave him the death glare.

Chuck could not experience intimidation so he stared back and asked, “What?”

“I would appreciate it if you would watch your mouth in front of the students,”

“Are you telling me what to do?”

“Yes I am. I cannot have you swearing in front of the students.”

At this point Chuck was becoming furious that he was being ordered around. Who did this nobody think he was?

“I’ll do what I want sir,” He said as he began to walk away.

Mr. Bitting followed after him and grabbed him on the shoulder.

“I don’t know who you think you are Mr. Norris, but I will not allow you to behave this way in this building.”
Chuck was astonished that this man was still telling him what to do.

“Listen man, I can take you. I can take anyone. I could take this whole pathetic little town. Now if I were you I would leave me alone.”

“Hey, I understand you think your Mr. Bigshot just because you can turn up the sun when you get cold and have counted to infinity twice and all that stuff, but listen here Chuck, so can I. In fact I have counted to infinity three times. And I like the cold, and would appreciate it if you would quit turning up the sun after I turn it down.”

Chuck could not believe what he was hearing. Why was this fool making up all this absurdness? Was he suicidal? He was going to have to put this man in his place.

“Are you trying to start something with me? Do you want to fight? I would be glad to show this school how much of a loser you are by destroying you.”

“Is that so? If that’s the case I guess I’ll have to show the world that old Chuck Norris isn’t as great as they think he is.”

So that was how it began. Mr. Bitting and Chuck Norris organized the details. The fight would take place at 8:30 on the 21st. The event had caught the attention of the media, both national and international, so it was decided to take place in the Grand Canyon. In the sides of the canyon enough seats would be installed to hold 500 thousand spectators. Barrack Obama, who had just failed to be reelected, had decided to host the event in an attempt to regain popularity. Before the fight they would host a musical concert consisting of the biggest awful pop stars. Afterward Pizza Hut would celebrate buy giving everyone in America a free pizza if Mr. Bitting had lasted more than a minute.

Everything was now in order. Today was the morning of the 21st and you could feel the anxiousness in the air all over the world. It was so high that it was worried that if it increased any further it might interfere with satellite signals, thus disrupting the world wide broadcast of the fight.

School was out for the winter and no one had to work. Nobody would have been able to function properly so no one did anything. Everyone was getting ready for the fight. People were having enormous parties that made Super Bowl parties look like tea parties.

Chuck was casual in his readying for the fight. He knew for certain that he would win so he saw no need in doing anything other than normal. He spent the day reading chucknorrisfacts.com trying to soak in just how awesome he was. He thought about Mr. Bitting and what he would be doing right know. “Probably bawling his eyes out or fleeing the country,” he figured.

Chuck was wrong. He did not know that Mr. Bitting was in his prime, in top mental and physical condition. Each morning before school he did the toughest workout known to man. No one knew what this workout consisted of, he would never tell them. It was common belief that the workout was so tough that if any average man heard what it was, they’d have a heart attack and die.

Mr. Bitting felt pretty confident about the fight but was doing all that he could to get ready. He woke up at 3 AM and told the sun to come up so he could see. Then he went on a 50 mile warm up jog ending at the YMCA. There he did such a vigorous workout that could have generated enough power to power the world for a week.

After his workout and cool-down exercises, Mr. Bitting went home and began to watch every fight scene of “Walker, Texas Ranger” to try and discover anything about Chuck that could be used against him. After three hours of watching Mr. Bitting could not find a single flaw in Chuck Norris. This made him a little nervous, so he quit watching. He now knew that he could not afford to make any mistakes. Even one small error and Chuck would capitalize on it and the match would be over.

Now it was 5 o’clock and after having a light dinner with his wife, Mrs. Bitting, it was time for Mr. Bitting to mentally prepare himself. He visualized the fight. He already had made his strategy along with five other alternate strategies in case he needed to adjust. He had to keep telling himself that he could win it. He knew himself and he knew Chuck, and everything pointed to him as the stronger man. But for some reason, he was still worried. Not a whole lot, just enough that he knew it could cause problems if he let it get to him. There was only one thing left he could do and he began to do it. He began to pray.

Chuck was a religious man also but he was too cocky to think much about God right now. He did have a great number of people who idolized him though, so he figured that would help make him more like God. He decided to do what he thought any good god would do, he held a press conference. It made sense that his people would want to hear from him, to know a little about his game plan.

At this time Mr. Bitting turned on his TV only to see Chuck himself staring back. As he watched he began to get angrier and angrier. The whole conference consisted of the press asking him questions as if he had already won.

“Chuck, when you win, what’s going to happen to Central Noble High School, Mr. Bitting’s old school?” asked one reporter.

“Well, some may say it’s a pity that that school had to have such a deranged, arrogant, conceited man as their vice principle, but my guess is that the whole school system is just like him if they allowed him in. I mean everyone there seemed to like him. I can’t have that so I’m gonna have the whole school shut down.”

Mr. Bitting was astounded, this whole time he had been thinking this fight was just about him, now all of Central Noble was on the line. Now he had to win the fight.




Mr. Bitting was horrified. What was Chuck Norris’s problem? What wrong could he possibly see in Central Noble? It was one thing for Chuck to hate him, but to want to shut down such a wonderful school, this man was more than just cocky, he was downright evil.

It was now 7:30; the fight would begin in only an hour. Mr. Bitting had done every necessary preparation so he decided he might as well start heading out to the Grand Canyon. He figured that it would be a good idea to be there a little early since he would not put it past Chuck to turn ahead time and claim that Mr. Bitting had forfeited.

When Mr. Bitting arrived at 7:50, the Grand Canyon was so unrecognizable that for a second he thought he was at the wrong place, but then he realized that there was no other site on Earth as awesome as the one he was now seeing.

As he began to make his way down to his locker room, reporters saw him and flocked over to him. The questions they asked him were ridiculous.

“Mr. Bitting, since you can’t honestly expect to win the fight, can you tell the world just what exactly is your reason for challenging Chuck Norris?”

“Mr. Bitting, when Chuck Norris shuts down Central Noble, do think you’ll be remembered as a gallant hero or an egotistical idiot?”

“Mr. Bitting—” and the nonsense continued. After several minutes of this Mr. Bitting could not take it any more. He let out a yell that shook the Canyon enough to register on the Richter scale.

At this the crowd fell silent. No one had expected such an almighty cry from this Mr. Bitting guy. People were beginning to think that maybe Mr. Bitting was not such the underdog they had assumed. Of course he would still lose, they thought, but at least now it might be a little more interesting.

Mr. Bitting was already irritated and now felt guilt after learning someone had died during his earthquake. If he had had the power he would have raised the poor fellow from the dead, but not even he (nor Chuck for that matter) had that power.

It was now fifteen minutes until the fight and Chuck was now arriving. He was living up the moment, sucking every bit of attention he could out of the press. He was flexing his muscles, signing autographs and roundhouse kicking air particles into oblivion. He was acting more obnoxious than if he were Chad Ocho Cinco and he had just caught a 95 yard game winning touchdown pass in the Super Bowl.

Mr. Bitting was disgusted. There was no way Chuck would be allowed to get away with this. He decided that if he won, the first thing he would do would be to make acting like that illegal. But before he could worry about post-fight issues, he would have to win the fight.
* * *

“Ladies and Gentleman, please begin to make your way to your seats as the fight will begin in 5 minutes.”

Mr. Bitting was now sitting in his dressing room, he was starting to get nervous, and as he thought of all that could go wrong he began to sweat.

“No, don’t think like that.” He told himself. That kind of thinking would guarantee him the loss. He would have to get his mindset right or his physical ability and technique would mean nothing.

He sat up, walked over to his mirror and looked into it.

“Look at me,” he said to his reflection, “I am drenched in sweat and about to have a nervous breakdown. Why am I acting like this? There’s no reason. I am stronger then Chuck, I am a better person than him too. There’s no way on earth I should lose this fight. I got to get it together!”

There were only a couple minutes left until the fight, so he said a quick prayer and began to make his way into the canyon.

As he walked down the hall toward the canyon, he started thinking about how absurd this whole ordeal was. He -Mr. Bitting- an unknown, overall good guy would fight Chuck Norris, a living legend who the entire world lived in fear and awe of. And this was not just a fight. This was the biggest event to ever take place in the history of mankind. And he, the vice principle of a small town high school would be half the show.

At last he reached the end of that terribly long hall and entered into the canyon. A wave of boos and even laughter erupted. Mrs. Bitting, however, was there in the front row there to cheer him on.

He looked around and saw that Chuck was already there. As they looked at each other, Chuck winked, grinned, and gave a hearty chuckle. Mr. Bitting walked over to a circle that was engraved into the ground about 10 yards away from Chuck.

At this time a voice filled the canyon.

“Alright all you crazy people, now that Mr. Bitting is finally here, who is ready get this thing started?”

The voice was none other that of Glenn Beck. Beck hosted his own talk radio show along with his show on Fox News. Mr. Bitting thought it was ironic that Barack Obama was hosting the event and Glenn Beck was commentating, but that was not important right now.

“Mr. Bitting, Chuck Norris please shake hands,” They were told by the referee. They did so, with both wanting to knock the other out right then and there.

“Ok, gentlemen do you understand the rules?”

Mr. Bitting and Chuck hadn’t known there were any rules so they both said, “No.”

“That’s good,” said the ref, “there are no rules. Anything goes. First to die loses, obviously. Alright, my gunshot will start the fight. 3… 2… 1…” BANG!

Mr. Bitting was first off the shot. He led with a jab to Chuck’s face, which Chuck deflected with his third hand behind his beard. How had Mr. Bitting forgotten? Every one knew of Chuck’s beard-fist.

Now it was Chuck’s chance, he thrust his fist into Mr. Bitting’s stomach. Bad idea, little did he know Mr. Bitting had abs stronger than diamond. While Chuck rubbed his stinging hand, Mr. Bitting took another shot.

“Aarrrrrrrg!” He let out a cry and lunged at Chuck and laid him out.

“What does it take to defeat you?” He asked in between punches.

Chuck just laughed as he heaved Mr. Bitting with all three hands and sent him flying 15 feet.

Mr. Bitting was angry and he got a huge adrenaline rush. Such a rush to Mr. Bitting was like Red Bull on steroids times twenty.

As he ran at Chuck and Chuck ran at him they both jumped into a roundhouse kick. An enormous gasp was heard as every one in the stadium held their breath. At that moment both their feet collided and made the most grotesque sound ever.

The spectators now gasped again even louder than before. The sight was hideous. It was as if Mr. Bitting and Chuck’s feet had fused together. They both just stood there in that awkward position, neither knowing what to do. They both looked at each other with looks of shock and confusion.

Chuck started freaking out. He began to tug on his leg, he pulled and nothing happened. He pulled even harder and a sickening snap was heard. Chuck let out a howl of agony, he had broken his tibia. But all was OK, he popped his tibia back in to place and it healed itself.

Mr. Bitting was straining his mind for anything that he could do. He tried to remember anything that Chuck might have said or done that might have let slip any weakness of his. He thought back to the first time he met him. Was there anything he said at his speech that could help him here? No, he did not think so. Or wait, why did he get into that argument with Chuck in the first place? Because Chuck swore. Why did Chuck swear? Because he stubbed his pinky toe. That was it! Chuck’s weakness was his pinky toe! How had he not realized it before? How hadn’t anyone? He now knew what he had to do.

In one swift motion he jumped from the ground with his not-fused-to-Chuck-Norris foot and slammed it onto Chuck’s other foot with every thing he had. At the moment of impact Chuck let out the most deafening cry ever heard by man. It was so loud that everyone in the world heard it. A tenth of the world’s population died.

Chuck’s scream was more powerful than the Earth could withstand. The decibels were two hundred thousand times higher than any other sound ever recorded. Earthquakes were happening all over and every volcano was erupting. It looked as if the apocalypse was happening which, in all actuality, it probably was.

After 30 seconds of murderous screaming, Chuck fell over dead. This put the Earth over its limit. It went against every law of nature. At this, the earth exploded.

All that was left was Mr. Bitting floating in space.