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Before he opens his eyes Elliot hears the rain steadily beating down on the roof of his one bedroom, loft apartment. The pounding seems to be driving maliciously into his head, still aching from remembering again the night before. He resists opening his eyes for as long as he can, not wanting to take in all the unfamiliar sights of this new life, not even a life at all anymore really. No, he would no longer call it that, he was now only an empty shell of his former self. The ringing of his alarm slowly forced his eyes to open. 6:15am. Another day. His hand knocks over an empty bottle as it makes its way to silence the incessant beeping. Sitting up, he reaches for the camera. It has become simultaneously a symbol of his greatest comfort and pain. It allows, for a fleeting moment, memory to almost fill the ragged mess of a hole left in his heart, but the pain that comes crashing down afterward is almost too much too bear. Lately he has made it his daily ritual to only look at one picture each morning, though he has every detail of each one carefully stored away in his mind.

His thoughts wander back to the first picture they took together. Kailey had just given him this brand new, navy blue digital camera for the first anniversary of their wedding. “To capture all the most memorable moments of our life together” she had said as she wiped a smudge of chocolate icing from his face. The sun had been shining on that beautiful, clear morning in early September. Something it never seemed to anymore. No, now it always rained. The first picture brought him back to that day, one of the perfect days. Elliot remembered Kailey holding out her arm to take aim the camera, catching both of them in the frame, leaning down to kiss his cheek just as she took the photo. Perfect.

Elliot’s phone buzzes, dragging him back to reality. It’s Jennifer again. He met her at a coffee shop downtown a few days ago. When she caught him adding whisky from the flask that had found a permanent home in his pocket to the steaming cup in front of him she left her empty table to join his. Her hand moved to lower the flask as she sat down across from him. “Hi, I’m Jennifer.”, was all it took. He didn’t think about the alcohol it usually took to mellow him out for the rest of the day. They ended up talking for three hours before Elliot had to head to leave for work but they exchanged numbers with the promise of seeing one another again soon. They hadn’t talked about anything in particular, but it had been enough. He knew nothing would come of it. Three years and he was still not ready to let go.

Elliot ignores his phone, instead picking up the camera, turning it on to and flipping to the second group of pictures. It’s Kailey’s 25th birthday party. Champagne, stars, laughter, cocktail dresses, her wavy strawberry blond hair in the moonlight. They had had the party out by the docks. Elliot, Kailey’s parents, and her best friend Jane had spent weeks planning it. They rented out the patio of a restaurant called Luna Blu and had about 100 guests. After dinner the tables had been moved to the sides and everyone danced long into the night. Around 3:00am many of their friends and family had retired to bed. When only Elliot, Kailey, Jane, and a few of their close friends remained they decided to sneak over to the hotel across the street to use their pool. Though the camera was left, forgotten on a table at Luna Blu, Elliot’s minds eye was able to take him through the rest of the night. He didn’t need a picture to remind him how his wife’s face had been riddled with a combination of joy and surprise as they jumped into the clear blue water illuminated only by the pool light below. He remembers perfectly the shouts and laughter as they crashed through the water in their suits and cocktail dresses that night.

With a sigh he reaches down to retrieve his cell phone from the table. “Are you busy tonight? -Jen” The question burns through his mind. It pierces through his memories, at once pulling him out of his thoughts and again back to reality. In his recent experience, cold reality has brought him nothing but pain. He pours himself another glass of whisky as he gets ready for work, ignoring the message on his phone. Stepping out of the shower he dries his short brown hair with the towel that he then wraps around his waist. Elliot makes himself some cereal and dry toast, realizing he has forgotten to buy groceries. As he sits down he opens the camera one last time before work, cursing the fact that he can never seem to keep to his one picture a day limit.

These are perhaps the most painful for him. The photographs they took that last winter. Aaron was about three and a half then. He, Elliot, and Kailey were outside playing in the snow. The neighbor’s terrier was trying to catch the snowballs that Aaron was throwing to him. Laughing each time the light, fluffy balls burst into a million shining flakes. Elliot’s phone buzzed again. He throws his uneaten breakfast into the sink as the memory of his son’s smile lingers in front of his eyes. “How about I meet you at that new Greek place down the street at 8? –Jen” She doesn’t understand. Elliot had not told her about them.

The last picture. Elliot is standing in the doorway of the theater with his wife and son. They are going to see Peter Pan. Kailey had asked a young couple to take their picture before they took their seats. It was Aaron’s first time out to a play. Elliot loved going out to the theatre. He had read the book to his son in preparation. Their copy had beautifully drawn illustrations that lit up the story in front of their eyes. They were all dressed for the occasion, Kailey in her blue, floor length dress whose fabric shimmered in the light, Elliot in his suit and tie, and Aaron whose suit matched his father’s, right down to his shiny new miniature Oxford shoes. Elliot’s alarm buzzed again. 8:00am. He should be headed out the door right now. Letting the camera drop to the bed he quickly got dressed and ran out the door. There it stayed until his return at 7:30 that evening.

Elliot slams the door against the rain. Sitting down on the bed he lets his head fall into his hands. All day he has not been able to rid his mind of that last image. Aaron proudly holding Peter Pan in his left hand, standing between Kailey and him, hold her hand in his right. Jennifer was able to quell his thoughts for a few minutes during their phone conversation, it was strange how she had that power. A power he had not consciously given to her. He doesn’t even know how. Elliot had declined her offer to get dinner, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Even if he could drag himself out of his misery he knew Jennifer deserved better. After all, it had been all his fault.

He poured himself another glass and closed his eyes. That snowy night he had driven his family to the city to see the play and to go to dinner at a restaurant he had read about in the paper the week before. Kailey had just opened the bakery she had talked about for years and he was taking his family out as a small celebration. The forecast advised them to stay indoors that night, but Elliot had grown up in the Colorado Rockies, he knew how to hold his own against the elements. Aaron was so excited, it had been all he talked about for days. They pulled up at the theatre, had a valet park the car, and took a picture at the front door. The play was spectacular, Aaron left with stars in his eyes pretending to fly the whole way out to the car. The storm had gotten worse, but it was nothing Elliot couldn’t handle. Kailey put their son into his carseat before sliding into the passenger seat and taking Elliot’s hand. The restaurant had surpassed their expectations. After eating and getting situated Aaron was asleep within minutes of returning to the backseat. Kailey and Elliot chatted for awhile before she too closed her eyes for a brief nap. Elliot reveled in the beautiful silence created by the two people he loved more than anything sleeping peacefully after a wonderful night together. He looked back to check on his son as burning headlights filled the windshield. The police had told him the tractor trailer had been driving on the wrong side of the road, blinded by the snowstorm, but he had never been able to let go of his own guilt. The blame fell completely on him. He should never have looked back. Elliot should have been able to protect his family.

He opened his eyes, simultaneously knocking the camera to the floor. As he leaned down to pick it up he noticed something he had never seen before. His wife was there. She was holding Aaron’s hand. Elliot had no memory of this place, a field of wheat growing in the spring, still green but reaching up to his son’s waist, he was taller than Elliot remembered. Aaron was tugging his mother forward as if to show her something Elliot couldn’t quite see. She had her free arm in the air as if she was waving to someone in the distance. The sun was out and they were both smiling full and bright. No, he had been through these pictures thousands of times and this was definitely new. Elliot didn’t understand it. All of a sudden the screen went black. He tried frantically to turn it back on but the battery had died. He fumbled with the charger, anxious to look into those happy faces once again. As turned it on and flipped through the pictures. It wasn’t there. He went through again, slower this time, still no luck. Elliot sat on the edge on his bed, dumbfounded. A few minutes past, then he jumped up, poured the rest of the whisky down the drain, reached for his coat and headed out the door with a smile on his face. It was 8:05 and he was late.