Before I knew Myself

Before I knew myself
CHAPTER ONE: Faith

“I don’t hate life, its life that hates me. Everything I do ends up being wrong” I said taking another puff of my cigarette and letting the ash drop down onto the grey carpet. I was sitting lazily in the big blue chair. I looked down at my feet. I hated them… They looked like they were run over by a 16 wheeler.
“How much weight have you lost in the last week Faith?” I returned my gaze to my therapist who was clicking her pen on her clipboard, quite annoyingly I might add. Her grey hair had pieces falling out of the once tight bun that was flat upon the top of her head.
“… I don’t know…. Like…. Seven pounds…” I said through my clenched teeth. Her pen tapping was seriously pissing me off. Small things do that now… piss me off hard core.
“I see…. Not good Faith. And how are you with your family and friends?” She asked through her thick black rimmed glasses.
“What family and friends” I said taking the last puff of my burned out cig. I stood up and stretched out.
“Are we done here…? I have other places where I could be wasting the rest of my… worthless stupid life… away…”
“Before you go Faith there is someone I’d like you too meet. Her name is Martha and she will be bringing you to New York State Psychiatric Institute” my heart began to pound.
“And why do I have to go there... I’m not crazy!” I screamed this at the top of my lungs. Maybe I was crazy… If depression is known as being Crazy then I’m guilty, but it’s not so I’m not crazy! I was furious. How dare they point the crazy finger at me? I’ve had a hard life and this is how it’s dealt with; by being sent to an institution for the mentally unstable. So what if I’ve tried to kill myself before. That was a long time ago.
“I don’t want to go… I’m not going to put myself in a building full of people who will be talking to walls or playing with their imaginary friends…”
“You’ve never had an imaginary friend Faith?” I looked at her; I was shocked that this person, whom I’ve never met in my life, was asking me something so stupid.
“Excuse me, Miss, I do not believe I was directing my statement towards you” I said through my gritted teeth.
Martha just nodded and looked down at the grey carpet. That stupid taunting grin on her face was irritating my last nerve. I sighed in anger and plopped myself down back onto the chair I was sitting on. I pulled out my cigs and lit up another one. I held it between my fingers and watched the ash burn down until it was at the filter. The ash pile on the grey carpet seemed almost invisible. I just stepped on it and grinded it into the divots in the carpet.
“Faith, was that really necessary?” My traitor therapist asked. I just shrugged and flicked the dead filter near the trash.
“Is it really necessary to send me to the institution?” I was mocking her tone. She seemed annoyed. Good, she really needed to be introduced to real life, where people aren’t all perfect or nice.

That was yesterday afternoon… around three maybe even four. But today, I’m standing in front of the giant glass doors of my new ‘home’. After the first set of doors there is another. This one is locked, has no handles, is metal, and is automatically opened from the nurse’s station so no one can escape. There is no hope of me ever leaving this place again.
“Hello Faith, My name is Martha, we met yesterday.” I stared at her. My eyes were full of rage and hatred for this woman. She was however smiling like the day was sunny and full of magical rainbows and sunshine. My mind wasn’t concentrating on her but on the fact that I didn’t have a cig to calm my nerves and anger my gaze met the grey carpet. What is it with places like this and the color grey? Its gloomy and makes my mood even worse.
“The overcrowded asylums were criticized for physical abuse, substandard meals, and locked rooms. Some of the committed patients were reportedly not even mentally ill but placed there by vindictive relatives and spouses through unscrupulous legal proceedings.” I looked at her and nodded, even though I trailed off. I think she’s talking about the asylum in the past... But I’m not sure.
“It was in this context that the revolutionary idea for a psychiatric research institution came to fruition. The New York state legislature passed the State Care Act in 1890, assuming responsibility for the mentally ill….” Yuck… I hate history lessons. I was never good in school. Always got lost in my own self pity and worthlessness, I wasn’t even worth going to school.
“Hi… I’m… I’m Anoura…. I… It’s nice to meet you…” I looked over to see the pale girl staring up at me. Her black hair covered half of her face and she had bright green eyes. I waved and put on a mean fake smile. She seemed to be fighting with herself.
“I said… I’m… Anoura….” She was even sterner than before, more of a monotone voice this time.
“And I smiled… “I mellowed out. I rolled my eyes and looked at the person in the corner. She was clicking her pen.
Click… Click… Click….. Then she’d drop her pen and tap her fingers. After about a minute of tapping she’d pick up that pen and click three times more.
“Tha…That’s me…Megan” the girl talked again. Her voice was prettier than mine. I looked at her and nodded.
“Okay?” I said walking away from her. I sat on the windowsill and stared out the window. The rain tapped on the panes of glass.
“Great… first day here and I’m already at breaking point.”
“No Don’t!!!” I looked to see Anoura jump over the table and grab for something that wasn’t even there.
“NOO I broke it!!! The vase... I broke the vase… It’s shattered… It’s gone!” She was spitting out every word picking up the broken pieces of glass… that never existed.
“I don’t belong here!” I screamed and walked into a random room and slammed the door. I saw another girl and she was humming to herself. She looked at me and smiled.
“Who are you? I’m Abi” She said. She had a cig. It’s all I wanted
“Can I have one?” I said referring to the cigs. She nodded and I grabbed her wrist to take the box.
“LET GO!” She screamed and started to breathe heavily. I looked at her and took a single cig out of the box.
“Thanks…” I said and sat down on the bed next to her. She was laying down covering her head with her hands. Her body was starting to get sweaty and she was repeating the words ‘No ‘and ‘go away’ I blinked. She started to calm down when I stood up to walk away.
“I can’t get the feeling away… I can’t get it off… “She was tugging at her shirt pulling it as far as it would stretch out.
“Then take it off” I said in the ‘duh’ type of way. I shut the door.
“Aren’t you going to make sure the door is shut?” I looked over and there was the pen clicker.
“Ummm no… it’s shut alright… nice and tight” I said starting to get very annoyed. There were way too many people here and no one was sane… or normal looking either. She had a burn that was half-way across her face. It covered the left side of her chin and stretched up to her right eye.
She walked over to the door I had just shut and opened the door. She shut it… opened it... shut it... pushed on the door… opened it one more time... then shut it... then looked at me...
“There… see… its shut now” She said walking down to her room. I rolled my eyes.
“IT WAS SHUT BEFORE!”
“One two three four”

CHAPTER TWO: Megan


“Megan… You have to come out of there… You can’t play with that.” I looked up from the bell that I was ringing.
“One two three four….’Breathe’…. One two three four…” I’m constantly counting. All day… footsteps… dots… people… freckles on the new girl… minutes… anything and everything. My day consists of only counting.
“One two three four…’breathe’… One two three four…” I stand up and walk to the door.
“One two three four five six… six steps” I nod and walk six steps back to make sure I was right. I was. I usually am. I got quite good at counting since I got diagnosed with OCD.
Obsessive compulsive disorder… I like shorter ways to say things better. I walked back to the door and opened it. I walked out counting like always.
“One Two Three…” I whispered out loud as each step brought me to another number. I looked at the three way intersection in the hall and turned right. Even though the destination I was going was left. I couldn’t seem to bring myself that way. I never have. I’m right handed but I use my left hand. Anything to the right is off limits in my mind.
“One two three four five six…. One two three…. One two” I was counting the girls who all stare. All the girls who think they are better than me. The one’s who can say one sentence and ruin the rest of your day because you care that much. Even though I shouldn’t… I know I do. They always look at the burns on my face. I hate my face. I grab the candle stick that was in my neighbor’s door way and I stuck it into my pocket. Sometimes I didn’t even realize I was stealing things. It felt like a disease. I felt like a disease. All my issues always run into each other making the others much worse.
SMASH
I hit the ground and my legs went flailing up into the air. My head hit the ground hard causing my jaw to close against my tongue. It was bleeding. I slipped on something, something sticky and wet, and something that could take over my body instantly. That sudden rush of dirtiness flowed through me causing me to scratch my skin hard. I almost kept at it until I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I had skin underneath my nails and blood pushing through the raw parts of my arm. I hate feeling dirty. It’s the grossest feeling in the entire world. I felt the disgusting feeling crawling up my arm like some sort of spider or something. It was taking over my whole body. I felt defeated. I lost. I lost myself and fell back as my body grew limp. I was just going to let the feeling take over my body. I couldn’t get it off.
“Megan, what are you doing?” it was the nurse. She looked bored with me already. She picked me up off the floor and put me in a bath tub.
“All you have to do is ask” She said when she turned on the water.
“You know… for help” I rolled my eyes and looked at the water.
“One Two three four five six” I did this for the ten minutes, 600 seconds; it took for the water to finish filling up the tub. I washed the dirty feeling off of me. It took 1,110 scrubs on my arms and legs and another 1,243 scrubs for my stomach. I stepped out of the bathtub and walked to my room. It took me so long just to get here. I had to make the trip longer than it should have been. I hate my OCD… It makes things so much harder just for me to go out the door.
When I got into my dorm room I looked into the mirror. Everything was fine, except the pimples on my face. They were everywhere. I grabbed a pair of scissors and began to pick at my skin. This is called CSD or Compulsive Skin picking. I did this for hours until my face looked like my burns were new. My hair was long and I didn’t want it to touch my face. I began my nightly hair pulling routine. Trichotillomania; I do this every night. Half of my head is missing most of its hair. I look like a freak I hate it.
“Now I lay me down to sleep” I started. I felt the need to pray every night even though I wasn’t a religious one. I unfolded my hands after it was said and done and lay on my bed. I had to re-adjust my pillow 6 times for it to be just right and the blankets had to be in the right order.
“First the red one... then the green… and lastly my sheet” I looked out the window at the stars and smiled.
“One… Two… Three…”

CHAPTER THREE: Anoura


‘No no no… it can’t be right… I didn’t eat this… I haven’t eaten all day.’ My mind raced as fast as could be. One moment I was thinking about the food on my plate the next I was dreaming about cars. I want to drive a car, but my parents won’t let me. I was never in the laboratory, when I got diagnosed with schizophrenia I was at home. My mom got worried when I was talking to the wall man. He didn’t seem to notice my parents behind me. I didn’t either but I kept talking to this wall man. He was very friendly… moved almost with grace. He was yellow with a slight green to his eyes. No matter how hard I tried my parents wouldn’t see him. But that’s only because they didn’t believe in him. If you don’t believe in monsters they won’t come out.
“Anoura its’ time for your medicine.” I looked over at the blonde nurse.
“I-I Don’t Wa-want… It” I crossed my hands over my chest. She shook her head.
“It doesn’t matter what you want Anoura, You have to take the medicine or you’ll never get better.” Never get better… I hate that sentence.
“W-Who gives you t-The rig-Right to judge me! I am normal! THIS IS NORMAL TO ME!!!” I was screaming as loud as I could get.
“I don’t’ like you” My voice suddenly became flat and monotone. The nurse looked afraid in a small way. She put the cup of water down on the table next to my bed and placed the small plastic cup filled with my medicine in my hand.
“Take it” defeated I popped the pills in to my mouth and swallowed them with a big gulp of my water. She nodded when I opened my mouth to prove I took them. I opened my eyes wide and walked backwards.
“The wall man’s back”
The nurse turned around slowly not knowing what to do. She was late for the medicine and this is what happens. She walked to the door and stood in the opening so I wouldn’t wander off. But I was watching this wall man. He was watching me, just staring into my eyes, hypnotizing me, trying to get me to enter the wall. Well it wouldn’t work. I was in the real world and I didn’t want to become a wall person. I hated the color yellow.
“I... I need some help in here, Now!” shouted the nurse down the hallway. She looked back at me who was now grabbing at the curtains.
“These are mine! Don’t touch them!” I started to pull on them hard. The wall man was grabbing at them, trying to take them. He always wants to steal my stuff. I suddenly became very scared of this wall man. I jumped down off the bed and pushed pass the nurse. I needed to run, run far away. I ran into the new girl’s room and locked the door behind me.
“What are you doing in here?! This is my room, get your own” she said looking angry. I walked over to her and grabbed her hair.
“The wall man will kill me if you don’t shut the hell up! Now I mean it, not another world about Anoura being in here, not one more word out of your mouth, or I’ll kill you”
She looked shocked. She sat on her bed and held her knees. She smirked and stared into my eyes.
“SHE’S IN HERE, WALL MAN, SHE’S IN HE--!” I jumped across the room and onto her bed. I held her throat tightly and started to hit her head on the wall. She bit down on my arm and I snapped out of it. I fell to the ground and cried hysterically. I looked up at her and the world became dark.
“Faith, what happened?”

CHAPTER FOUR: The cafeteria

All patients are to report to lunch now; all patients are to report to lunch now.

Great, I have to spend lunch with the crazies, anorexics who complain about food, and the obsessive eaters who try to steal my food. Just perfect. Faith thought while walking to the café. She held her hands in her sweatshirt pocket as she sighed to herself. There’s Megan and Anoura, waiting for that PTSD chick, what was her name, umm, Abi I think. Actually, I could care less what her name is. She’s just another crazy in this building made for them. Yes them because I’m not crazy. She thought to herself as she passed Anoura and Megan. She looked back at them. They were staring at her vigorously, creepily and constantly. She walked faster, she remembers what Anoura did to her that day when she was talking about the …. Wall man… She’s insane and should be institutionalized…. Oh wait… she is, in the same institution that she happened to be stuck in. Faith quickly walked into line to get her food. And of course Anoura, Megan, and Livy walked right behind her.
“He was i-in my room a-again, that ye-yellow man was in my r-room” said Anoura quietly to her friends. Abi nodded and looked around. She was holding herself tightly and her eyes were darting around the room. Her breathing was becoming slightly faster.
“The wall man you mean Anoura, that wall man right, that’s who you’re talking about?” Megan was asking. Anoura was nodding and watching Abi.
“Ar-are you o-okay? Do do you need, ne-need some help?” Abi just turned around and walked out of the café. Anoura growled in a low voice.
“WH-Who does s-she thi-think she i-is?” Her voice became a little deeper and her eyes looked down. Her fingers were tightly clinging to each other. She just stood there while the line moved around her. She didn’t seem to notice let alone care. Her eyes were focused on her shadow on the ground
“He’s back”
Faith stood in line fidgeting around. Her feet were tapping in place and she seemed anxious. She looked over to where Abi was and sighed.
“She had cigs, I really need one… I hope she didn’t smoke them all…” she said out loud. She was agitated at how long the line was. It couldn’t take this long to get a stupid sand which and some fruit on the side. She pushed her way through the line until a nurse grabbed her by the arm. She spun around fast and pushed her off.
“You leave me alone you here? Do not touch me again” She was shocked at how threatening that was but she just kept cutting people in line. The nurse then lunged at her and grabbed Faith’s shirt pulling it hard backwards. Faith fell over, knocking Anoura down as well, and looked up at the pissed off nurse.
“I told you not to touch me.” She started to breathe harder in anger. She sat up and crossed her arms over her chest.
Megan walked over to Anoura and helped her up. She looked at the nurse then looked down at Faith. “Three times miss, three times” She said turning around and walking out of the café.
One, two, three, four…
“Three times what?” Faith asked annoyingly. The nurse looked at her and sighed.
“Three times I’ve had to grab you” she replied
“You only grabbed me twice; she isn’t a very good counter”
The nurse looked back at me and shook her head.
“She’s a very good counter, something must be bugging her.” She said pulling Faith behind her. She walked to the back of the line and let Faith’s hand go.
“Do not cut again” she threatened. She left the café to go and find Megan. As Faith waited until the nurse was out of sight and cut the line to get her food.

CHAPTER FIVE: Megan

“Megan, where are you Hun?” asked the nurse who was walking around trying to find her. She noticed the main therapists office door open and she knocked.
“Hello? Dr. Sheryl is Megan in there?” No answer. She peered inside to find the room was empty. The door had been broken into though and there were papers everywhere. Megan’s file was among the missing once the mess was cleaned up. The nurse slid the paper work back into the filing cabinet. She walked out of the room and shut the door behind her. She shrugged and walked around for a few more hours and sat down in the corner.
“How can I lose someone in a locked building? Now let’s back track, I went to her room, the offices, checked the medicine room, locked like it should be, umm, the cafeteria is empty, everyone should be in their rooms now. What the hell?” She heard an annoying small thump and decided to yell at whoever it was. She decided that while trying to figure this out she would call out for Megan.
“Megan, where are you?” She said opening the door. It got stuck on something so she pushed harder. The thumping stopped and so did the nurse. She stood in terror as she stared at Megan, who had hung herself. The nurse froze in her spot.
“M…” she couldn’t even talk. The look of nothing on Megan’s face turned the nurse completely immobile. She was looking into the lifeless eyes of a patient she had known for years. Before she had even realized it hot tears ran down her face like the Niagara Falls. Her hands suddenly moved over her eyes and she stumbled backwards until she reached the wall. Slowly the nurse slid down not afraid to sob out loud. Another nurse came running down the hall and screamed when the sight of Megan met her gaze. After eating her lunch, Faith was walking down the hallway. She had heard the sound of screaming and crying so she decided to investigate. She slowly approached the door and looked inside. She just stared at Megan’s body that swung slowly back and forth. She hung herself with her bed sheet. She looked directly at her toes and just stared. Connected to her skirt was a note that read
‘Today, I counted over a hundred things that were wrong with me. I decided that there were too many so I decided that ending my life would be the best thing I could do with myself. Tell my family I love them and thank them for trying to make my sickness disappear but it didn’t. I’ll never see them again and they will see me. It doesn’t seem fair but I want them to see that I can do something for the better. That everything I do isn’t just counting and worrying if the doors or locks are actually shut or locked. Please tell my sister I love her. To all my friends and nurses here in the institution, I’d like to thank you for your patronage and help. I love all of you.’
‘p.s. Faith, the more you think you don’t belong, the more you do belong. None of us thought that there was anything wrong with us until we were forced to see how we acted compared to the rest of the world. Just remember that.’
Faith stood and read over the last paragraph over and over again. She was in complete denial at first until she looked at the cut marks that seemed burned across her wrist. She ran to her room and looked into the mirror. She stared at herself and at all the marks and burns she had given herself when she was sad. She sat down on the floor and held her knees tightly to her chest. She rested her chin on top of her knees and started to cry. She was right, the craziest of them all was right. The constant counter, the burned faced girl who hated herself, the one who couldn’t handle living due to the deficiencies that only she would see; Only she saw them, if she knew that no one else cared that she had burns, or pimples, or even missing hair, maybe she would still be here, going through treatment for herself, her family, for a life worth living. She’d get better and live a life with a husband, a child and even grandchildren. Her life would have been magical. Her life would have been exactly what she needed.
CHAPTER SIX: the after affect

Everyone gathered around the room that once belonged to Megan. They were all silent as they read the note. Whenever someone would finish they would always look to Faith. They would look at her and nod. They passed the note counter clockwise and when Faith got it she just passed it on. She had already read it. She was the only patient to see Megan hanging; she was also the only patient to see her dead. She was still in shock and was holding her elbows gingerly against her. When Anoura got the note she looked at Faith angrily.
“H-How come she g-got mentioned in t-the note! I w-was her be-best friend. I sh-should o-of gotten a p-personal ….” She couldn’t finish she just started to cry and I mean cry. Her sobs were so loud yet no one did anything to comfort her. Nothing at all; they just stood there looking at the grey carpet. Faith walked over to her and stood for a minute before throwing her arms around her. She too was crying.
“She thought I would need a slap in the face Anoura, what she wrote there proved to me that I belonged here just like everyone else. I was just too conceited to even think that I could be just like anyone else here. That’s only true because I found it hard to believe that I could be just like anyone else in the world. I thought I was being myself but I was really only slowly killing myself and she didn’t want to see that. She wanted to help me, she probably knows that you are getting better… and knew you would already know what she would say to you.” Anoura looked over at Faith and nodded. She watched as Faith’s arms fell back to her side. Then like everyone else, stared at the ground.
Abi stood up from sitting in the corner and walked over to the center of the circle. She looked down at the ground and then up after taking a breath. She started to sing don’t let go and everyone joined in. It was Megan’s favorite song; she would always sing it when she was lying in bed, when her counting fetish vanished and she felt like a normal person. After the song Anoura stood up and talked about how much Megan had actually helped her. She told us about how she was ten times worse off than she is now. Hard to believe but she actually tried to kill her mother for not believe her about the wall man.
“It’s funny how people never realize how much of an impact they have on the world. You can try real hard to get them to understand but, it never goes through.” Faith said after reading the note again. She stood up and looked around at everyone that was looking at her. She looked over at the loners, then at the anorexics, then the obsessive compulsive, and finally at herself.
“Everyone here is so different but we were all hurt by the same thing. We all gathered here to mourn the loss of an amazing girl who couldn’t see what we all saw. Though we may be different, we all see the same things as the girl next to you. We all notice warning signs and know how to help everyone else. I may not have been the best person here but I promise that from this day I will try as hard as I can to listen to Megan’s words. If she ever said anything like this to you, which I can almost guarantee that she has, listen to them, she was right… she was always right when it came to everyone else.” Faith sat down with the note held tightly in her hand as someone started to clap. She didn’t know who it was until she stood up.
“My name is Marie, I have bi-polar and Megan told me that if she ever needed a shoulder to cry on, a friend to talk to, or even someone to yell things towards to go to her. She said that life may come at you before your ready to take it on but that doesn’t mean that you can’t do it your own way at your own pace.” She choked up on the lump that was in her throat.
“We all need someone like Megan in our lives, we all need that person who knows how to help and that’s what we have here. We have Megan in all of us”
After a few more people stood up and talked about all the good things Megan did to help or were just plain fun people started to go off to their rooms for bed. The nurses gave Megan’s family all her stuff that she had plus the note she had written before. Megan’s sister was in shock and wouldn’t even hug anyone back when they tried to comfort her. Her parents stared at that gray carpet and cried silently to themselves. They were brought to her room to relax before they had to drive home and the mother stopped at the door.
“Is this where she did it?” She asked pointing at the chair that was knocked on its side. The nurse nodded and looked at the chair.
“This is where it happened…” She said walking out the door.
“If you need anything just call” and with that the family was left alone.
CHAPTER SEVEN: Faith’s final day

That was six months ago, today is my last day, I have to make sure that I have everything I need and that I don’t forget anything. I looked at the wall to see the note that Megan wrote me. I cut my paragraph off of the rest of the note. I had put it in a frame and hung it over my bed. I couldn’t forget it. I read it every day. I remember the promise I made to myself the instant I read it. I promised I would work hard to help myself for her. That’s exactly what I did; I worked hard on my depression until I was able to get of the meds without a relapse or any urges to end my life. Flashes of her body flash before my eyes and I let myself get weak for just a moment, just a few more minutes of emptiness before I’m free. I started to pack my bags once again. When everything was packed and my room was empty I walked out. I looked down at the grey carpet that I saw on my first day here. I smiled. The reason the carpet was grey is because everyone wants to look at it when they are sad. It has a calming effect. If it was red or any other color it would be out of place. The nurse walked beside me until we got to the main living room.
“Today is a good day for you, it’s been two years and three months in this place and today is your day of freedom. You are a very successful young woman and I would love to see you complete your therapy and begin your life as a happy person as it always should have been.” She smiled a sad yet happy smile towards me and wrapped me in a hug. I looked around and saw everyone standing by the door. They were to both sides of me and everyone said something that I would later think about day after day, the final good bye, the I will miss you’s, the you lucky bitch. One girl was screaming saying its not fair 82 pounds is a perfect weight. The last girl was someone I’ve only seen once. It was Megan’s sister. She told me that Megan would talk about the new girl and how she needed help. She was happy to see that her sister’s impact was great and that it did help. She hugged me as both of our eyes became foggy and everything was a blur. I smiled and mouthed thank you to both her and everyone else in the room. I walked outside and smelt the fresh air. It smelt so good. I was afraid that I wouldn’t remember how to live life without all of my friends but I had faith that everyone would get out and I would see them all again.
Someday.