From Seclusion to Love (Chapter One)

I opened my laptop and started typing...

When to give up… When not to give up.

It was a rainy Saturday afternoon.  I was sitting at a busy intersection where two of the three lanes were blocked due to an accident involving a tipped tanker full of discarded grease from a variety of fast-food related restaurants; a motor cycle and what appeared to be a homeless guys shopping cart.  How this combination came to be eluded me, but a single thought grazed across my mind as I took in the sights of fat bubbles forming on the top of rain puddles and watching the large number of cars sliding around while trying to navigate through the one open lane hoping not to run into anyone else until they made it across the intersection to less slippery ground. 

Why even try to drive at all??

Seriously!  The road is covered in grease!  It is raining outside!  Anyone stupid enough to drive through this mess would have better luck driving on top of Lake Michigan, in the middle of January during a wicked blizzard at one thirty in the morning!  I stopped my car and put it in park.  This was clearly an occasion where giving up was the best choice.  What was the alternative?  Losing control of my car and sliding right into a bus full of children?  That would be precisely my luck; then I would spend the rest of my life paying off the forty-seven lawsuits I would likely lose to every parent who sued me for endangering their children's life because I could not be bothered to wait for better driving conditions for I had to make it to Taco Bell for my regular lunch order of three beefy cheese burritos a order of Nachos Bell Grande, extra beef, cheese, sour crème and tomatoes and a gallon of Mountain Dew. 

Besides, the grease had the lovely smell of Kentucky Fried Chicken, coupled with Long John Silvers with a hint of spicy fries from that local Cajun place down the street.  Who could resist that smell?  It made me so very hungry, but for two and a half hours, I was the happiest man on Wallace Road.

Later that evening, I found myself in an entirely different situation.  I was sitting at home, peacefully watching a movie on my fancy big screen television when there was a curious knock on my door.  Without thinking, I popped off the couch and answered the door when two masked men busted through the door and threw me onto the ground.  In this situation, the usual teaching is to submit quickly, give the cretins what they desire so not to risk injury or worse, your own life over measly possessions which could easily be replaced. 

What do you think I did?

I am a man.  Not much of one mind you, but a man nonetheless, and these idiots were not getting away with any of my stuff without a fight.  I began to swing wildly, calling them every racial slur I could think of while making it horribly difficult every step of the way.  I constantly threw punches and rushed them in a feeble attempt to scare these twits into leaving my house.  The only thing that managed to accomplish is the entire left side of my face beaten to a pulp with the non business end of a hand gun which they freely waved in front of my face to intimidate me.  I stared right into the barrel of that gun and dared them to shoot me.  I practically asked them to shoot me, and after finally being overpowered and tied up on my cold kitchen floor, they made off with a few hundred dollars I kept in petty cash in my desk and my cell phone. 

Now, I was smart in the first situation where I gave up trying to drive through the lane of certain misfortune.  Then later, when I should of gave up, I fought relentlessly and now have a disfigured face to show for my trouble.  It could have been far worse, because there really was not anything stopping the coked out masked robber from putting a hole in my head…

"Ooohhh… oooohhh… writing next weeks column?"  Chloe asked eagerly as she pulled up a chair next to my table.  I looked up from my screen and let my fingers come to a rest. 

"Yeah… I am working on a contrast piece."  I answered.  She spun around and tried to look at my screen to get a preview of the goods, but I quickly shut the laptop screen to prevent her from getting the sneak peak she wanted so badly.  She scowled when I closed off her curious attempts to read my latest work and sat disappointed next to me.  Her eyes glanced around the venue where I was eating lunch while writing and eventually she took a sip of my soda forgetting all about the article she wanted to read. 

Setting down my cola, she gazed at me for a second before getting to why she tracked me down in the first place.  I had not invited Chloe to lunch, but she has a knack for finding me when she wants too, and she almost always has a reason for seeking me out.  I waited impatiently for her to get to it.  Finally she began to speak.  "I'll never understand why you come to this place."  Her voice had a hint of sarcasm in it.  I quickly replied… "It's because I know you hate how danky it is and it's my ineffective attempt at finding a private place to collect my thoughts in peace."  Chloe nearly coughed up the soda she just drank with the quick laugh that caught her off guard, but before I could continue she recovered and responded… "You mean from me?  Well buddy… you would have to wallowing in mud and writing on grass leaves with a stick using poop as your ink before I would even consider not poking my nose into your business.  Admit it, you love me!!"  Chloe took another sip of soda and gazed my response at her over jubilant decree.  "Yes Chloe… your amazingly intrusive personality is the only reason I get up in the morning, it makes my day."  Chloe set my drink down on the table and gaffed at my sarcastic response.  "Sure John, whatever.  I'm sure my beautiful face is the best part of your existence."  She joked. 

Chloe paused as she left her previous remark drift away.  "Actually, I did come here looking for you.  I saw the advertisement for Lisa Marco's new show this morning."  Chloe fiddled with the straw of her recently acquired former drink of mine as she looked confused over what she saw.  "So?" I quipped.  Chloe baulked at my lackadaisical response.  "So?  Are you kidding?  Her ad said that she had an exclusive interview with popular reclusive author John Donnie.  I nearly flipped out of my seat!  When did you start doing interviews?"  Chloe's voice turned from the playful banter of earlier to a more serious tone.  I could tell she was concerned over this uncharacteristic move on my part.  Ever since I became a published author, I had not granted a single interview.  My picture was never posted on any book or column I had written, even my Wikipedia page has very little actual information about my private life.  Most people could not tell me from the casual underdressed lower class American that spends his time watching NASCAR and drinking Bud Light while eating over cooked hot dogs on stale buns. 

"She e-mailed me and asked for an interview.  I said yes.  That's all."  I responded curtly, which Chloe instantly rejected.  "You are full of shit John.  Is this about what happened to you?  The robbery?"  She gently placed her hand on my bandaged face which was still recovering from the attack.  "No."  I answered.  I allowed her to caress my face, her touch was always something I enjoyed even when I did not want too.  Chloe let her hand fall back to the table as she gazed into my face and tried to make out my motivation.  She could read me like an open book, and that always bugged me about our relationship, but was also the reason I was drawn to her.  "I don't believe you.  This was a traumatic event, and you are now making decisions that aren't like you at all.  Maybe you should cancel this interview until you had some time to reflect on what happened.  I don't want you to regret anything you might do during this turbulent time in your life."  Chloe reached out and grabbed my hand.  I pulled it backed and stared directly into her eyes.  "Honestly, Chloe… it's nothing for you to be concerned about."  She was visibly upset that I was keeping her at a distance, but she had no idea what my motivation was and I did not really want her to figure it out right here, right now.  "I just hope you don't end up doing something that will drastically change your life for the worst.  I have seen you fall before, and although I will be there to pick you up like I have done in the past… I certainty do not want to watch you lose everything you have worked for all these years.  I care about you John, and don't want to watch you fall victim to emotionally rash decisions.  Please reconsider… I love you too much to watch you get hurt."  She started to tear up as she finished her speech.  Every word she spoke was true and I knew she was deeply concerned at how exposing my private life to public scrutiny would most likely negatively effect me and my love for writing which had only blossomed in the last five years.  I had fought for years to keep my public life as an author separate from my private life as a person so as to maintain my sanity and NOT fall victim to celebrity and now I was risking that safe seclusion for what?  I imagine that was the question that rang through her head, but what she did not realize was that this was not just a irrational decision brought on by a traumatic event.  "Chloe, I know you are concerned about what exposing myself to the media might do to my career and my life.  I am grateful for your concern."  She pushed the drink toward me and stood up, more visibly upset that I had once again pushed her away.  "Call me later ok?  Don't leave me out in the cold."  She remarked as she turned around and walked away.  I swallowed hard as she quickly faded from view, and felt horrible over how I treated her just now.  However, she had no idea how deeply I cared for her and how strong my feeling for her were.  However, she would find out in a few days.  I continued writing my column…

However, having my life flash before my eyes during the moment where I was sure my uninvited house guest was slowly pulling the trigger, I saw just one thing.  My best friend, my soul mate, Chloe.  Her bright face, her loving personality, her warm heart and her devoted friendship has brought me out of the darkest times and I wanted her presence to be the last thing I experienced as I exited this world.  Amazingly, the robber could not pull the trigger and instead left me alone, bleeding on my kitchen floor of my dark, quiet apartment.  As I lay on the floor I realized that there was a situation in my life where I should not give up but always had.  I have been deeply scorned in the past, and have lived a life of quiet solitude for quite sometime to prevent me from experiencing any more pain.  This has come at quiet a large price for both myself and Chloe.  I have remained in a lonely existence for as long as I can remember, and Chloe has been in one bad relationship after another.  If I had only been stronger and willing to risk the pain of rejection or a failed relationship years ago… Chloe and I might be more than friends and now and we could each fill the position I am sure we both desire.  I have loved her for as long as I can remember, even back when we were children and I know she loves me.  However we always missed each other throughout the years and when I had my chance to share with her how I felt, I let it slip through my fingers.  I gave up when I should have fought, and it was a tough lesson to endure. 

Sometimes you just have to put yourself out there.  Against all odds you have to fight for what you most desire out of life.  Sometimes you have to pull the veil off your face and remember that you are a living, breathing person with hopes and desires, great dreams that need fulfilling and at the end of the day you have to know when to give up and when not to give up.  It is time I stopped giving up on Chloe, she deserves better and I want to start putting my fear aside and take the chance I have never been able to take before. 

Chloe… I love you dearly.  Not just as a good friend, not only as a soul mate, not even solely as a confidant.  I love you completely as all of those things and would love to share the rest of my life, all of my life, with you at my side.  I want to break free of my quiet isolated existence and bring you with me into the next chapter of my life.  I want you to join me as I embrace what I know I am and am ready to accept.  Chloe, will you join me?

With love,

John Donnie