The Desolation

The Desolation
By Sara Spring

As Geoff arose from bed he noticed the day to be sunny as he looked around his small apartment. The walls of his apartment painted a pale white seemed emotionless and cold against the bright blue sky which peeked into the room from the outside. Geoff moved quickly about the apartment getting dressed and trimming his beard. With his morning ritual behind him, he looked at the clock near the front door; it was almost that time of day. He brushed his hair in place nervously with his large old wrinkled hands and began to pace back and forth near the front door quietly; hoping to hear the soft sounds of rhythmic footsteps with a slight slap as the rubber soles hit the tiled floor coming down the hallway.

They came soon enough and with those soft steps his old heart leapt with joy and he waited with baited breath to see if the stranger would knock. Rubbing his forefinger hard against his thumb, the steps stopped short of his door. Geoff leaned forward against the wood and listened to the sound of the mailboxes opening and closing, the rustling of papers and envelopes being shoved into them. For a moment there was a slight pause. Holding his breath, he listened to the squeak of rubber soles on the tile fading away towards to the main entrance at the opposite end of the hall. Letting out his breath slowly, his heart sank.

Two months earlier Brian in his youth and innocence, perhaps trusting a little too easily in the kindness of human nature, had leaned casually in the door frame of Geoff’s apartment and had spoken openly of how his life at twenty one was getting to be difficult to manage. He talked about the overwhelming feelings of attending college, working as a postman and the heartbreak of the recent break up from his long time girlfriend. Brian pondered the possibilities that life had to offer asking Geoff for advice on various life directions. Rewarding the boy’s simple ability to confide in a complete stranger was simple and Geoff responded by being open about the true nature of his own orientation. To the warming of the old man’s heart Brian shrugged, immediately accepting it as a lifestyle choice and nothing to be threatened by. In the days following his confession, Geoff had no idea if Brian understood the meanings behind his glances or the implications of his small gestures. He wondered if Brian really knew what was lurking around him. 

With very few friends, Geoff was a mystery to himself and without understanding the mechanisms ticking in his own head. His heart was nothing more than just a simple twisted mess of a creature that should never have chosen to be isolated and with each passing day ands Geoff’s isolation became more of a self created torture rather than a fear of self actualization. Geoff’s tendencies towards the boy were so innocuous that the slightest misstep from Brian’s reaction could result in devastation beyond the realm of what reality called for. The result was a strange lithe relationship between the two. One, with the pure innocent need to have a sympathetic sounding board and another, so entirely disillusioned with his own loneliness- so far beyond the temporal reach of human effort that there was nothing left to do but wait for the bomb to finish its nightmarish ticking. Today Geoff’s mental stability began to crumble and rebuilt in its barren hollows, a monster whose only capability was to unravel reality in the singular effort of justify its own existence.

**

The morning in which Brian did not stop by for small talk he’d made a promise to his mother to pick up groceries directly after work so dinner could get started early. The Pastor of their church was stopping by for dinner and she’d wanted to make a particular dish. This of course meant that Brian had to finish his route earlier than usual and would have to skip his usual chat with Geoff who lived in a large brick building. It had a narrow hallway consisting of closed apartment doors and mailboxes with the center of the hallway tile decorated in brilliant blues, rustic brown and tans, with green and yellow accents. The only color that seem to be missing to Brian was a brilliant deep red. The house had two entry doors, both of which were heavy and squeaked with complaint when opened. Brian usually worked his way from the mailbox closest to the front entrance and ended at the far end near a door belonging to Geoff. Working in this manner made it easy for the two to have a conversation while he stuffed the mail boxes. Though today, he started at the mailbox closest to Geoff’s door and worked towards the front entrance, allowing him to dodge conversation. Geoff could be long winded- complete with the occasional awkward moments of silence. When Geoff did not appear in the doorway to speak, Brian felt a vague sense of relief.  A squeak of the floor boards let Brian know that Geoff was lingering inside the door. After Brian finished his stuffing the boxes he turned on his heel and left the apartment heading to the grocery store.

**

Geoff spent that night lying awake, the gears in his mind churned heavily with thickly greased bolts. Why did Brian not stop to talk to him? He wondered if perhaps he’d done something to compel such a strong avoidance. Maybe he made him uncomfortable or said something that was offensive? As his old heart began to beat a weary rhythm, he captured the picture of Brian’s face in his mind and soon drifted off into so many various happy delusions that he found himself unable to remember what it was that scared him moments before. He imagined whole conversations and an entire life that they could have together. The troubles of youth would be washed away caringly by his love and direction. They would laugh and dream together and he would make all of the boy’s wildest dreams come true. They would share long lingering kisses and touch each other void of repulsion and filled with gentleness and love. The thoughts of happiness lulled Geoff to sleep and soon enough the sun awoke him with a start the next morning.

He woke with a rage inside of him, angry with Brian for not stopping by to talk with him. This was not going to be easily let go. Geoff fumed around his office, as he readied himself for Brian. Muttering a hostile conversation in his head, he madly swung open the door when he heard the first sign of footsteps. There he was, beautiful and pure. Geoff remembered the day before and his face grew dark with a scowl. The boy did not look up from his job. Geoff came to him quietly and asked politely why Brian did not stop by the day before. Brian honestly told him of the errand his mother had requested and how it caused him to end his route early. Geoff let out a sigh of relief. To think all this time that this boy was cheating on him or trying to somehow rid himself of Geoff’s affections! He felt sheepish and admitted so. The boy shrugged just as he had the day that Geoff had revealed his sexual orientation to his the boy. It warmed his heart.

After a series of back and forth between the two, Geoff was convinced that with a small drop everything would change, Brian would love him and the two lovers would start to cover the dreams that were waiting for them. The drop came, but more like a ton of bricks and it was worse than what Geoff could have imagined. It turned out that Brian had met a girl and was getting married. All this time Geoff had been preparing himself for the eventual idea that Brian might fall in love with another man closer to his age but had never dreamt that Brian would leave him for another woman.  The shock almost left him in despair if the spark hadn’t come to his eyes, and his mind hadn’t begun to work frantically for a solution. Geoff wanted to take Brian out and asked if they could get some tea the following week. Brian agreed wholeheartedly. Though Geoff was uncertain of his plan, he knew that he wanted to do something and had a week to come up with a solution. Geoff thought of kidnapping him and relocating, though there wasn’t enough time to find a new place. He could confess all of his feelings and see if there was a chance. The realistic side of Geoff suddenly awoke with a violent start as if it knew that it had to put the brakes to something vile fast. He could hear the rants of reality screaming in his head. There was no reason why he should expect this boy to love him as he did. There was no proof the child was a homosexual and most importantly there had been no relationship! There had not even been a cultivated friendship; the entire thing was not as intense as he had wanted it to be. His lovesick heart began to ache and he felt sick to his stomach. He felt that there was no life and the blackness around him began to close in further. The tiny hole in which he breathed became closed to him and he began to shrivel up and die. His flesh began to decay in rapid movement and soon enough there would be nothing to him but a rotting old corpse and a name that no one dare utter.  This was not an option. He had to find himself to the place that was better for his health and quickly, too. He searched around his apartment quickly and soon found a cable and silver duct tape.

The following week he went to the coffee shop and met the boy. The two walked to a nearby bar and Geoff fed him drinks. Another quality shown through as the boy refused to drink too much. Geoff had a pill; he broke it and put the contents in the drink while Brian was in the bathroom. Geoff was able to drive Brian home in his car.  He carried him lovingly inside the apartment and bound him to the chair with tape on his kissable mouth. After a while he pulled up a chair and lovingly laid his balding head on Brian’s strong shoulders. He was happy and content. In the night he felt Brian’s body heave but thought nothing of it. He figured that Brian was happy and could feel that he was hard. Inquisitively, he took it out and began to work at it. Soon enough there was a warm fluidly mess around in which Geoff lovingly cleaned up. Brian had stopped heaving and in the morning Geoff woke to find that his body had grown cold.  Alarmed he looked at Brian’s lovely face, there were streaks of fluid from his nose, mixed with blood. He removed the tape and out came a rush of more fluid. The boy had choked from an overdose that his body had worked to expel. Geoff fell to his knees and sobbed. His one true love was dead.

Months later in prison Geoff’s therapist visited him, asked how he was doing. Geoff calmly replied that he had finally found his place. Though he was being degraded in every fashion, he felt it was well deserved. The sodomy was the kind of cruelty that he had long wanted but never felt deserving of until now. His actions had finally matched his emotional need and though he would always love Brian as his one true love, there would never be this much fulfillment in his life again. He never wanted to leave prison.


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