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Debby

'Hey girls, how were your holidays?'
A chorus of 'goods' and stories fly her way
She laughs and listens and tells some of her own
We stretch and talk and nod and laugh

'I have a proposal for you older girls.
I need you to display at a ball.'
'A ball?' We ask excitedly
'A ball.' She nods, smiling.

'It's held by AIDA, every second year.
It's a debutante, where girls do their debs.
And we can be involved in it
I need 8 girls to do a teams display.
It will be tiring, but worth the fun
A 4-hand, then straight after, an 8
There will be other schools there
It's in Sydney, we'll make a road trip out of it.'

We check with our parents, and most of us can go
8 of us, proud and happy, turn up at the show
'Oh, wow, look at all the girls!'
Their white dresses are beautiful

You can see the happiness in waves
Their partners hold them faithfully
Proud to be standing by their choice of beauty
Their loved one, her big night

We watch the debs, amazed by it all
Most of the time we were staring in awe
We imagine standing under that arch of balloons
And gazing down at the boy we choose

Orange, green and white is the colour scheme
Of course, the irish flag, suitably
It's the irish dancers in a different view
The beautiful partners at the debeu

Standing at the back of the room are the dancers
Bright colours, fluro, frills
Each and every dancer stares in awe
And I can see them imagining like I do

They do a formal dance, the girls do lots of twirls
And the boys hold their hands, and guide them
I love watching them, so perfect together
And their mothers and fathers watch proudly

On the way home we think about the next one
In 2 years, the next deb, we can make our own
We can choose a partner, and dress up in white
And look beautiful and have a great night

Sam, Zoe, Emma, Emily
Hannah, Bethany and I
Even Rachael, if she wanted, and many more of us
We could all do it, and stand proud
But who would we go with, we wonder

'Tara will go with Jesse, of course,' they all assume
And at first I agree with them
But they don't know what's going through my head
That he'll probably be sick of me by then

And I think of the other ones, who'd agree in a blink
But God, what the hell, what would my friends think?
Or my dad, or Jesse, or my dance friends?
I don't know, I guess we'll see

'Who'd you go with?' I ask the others
Zoe said she'd scab one of her bro's friends
Emma says one of her bro's friend's younger brother
Sam has no clue

I start to wonder who Amy would go with
I think she'd love to do it
But she'd want to make it with someone special
So I don't know...

And what about my other friends
What about them?
Stabs of jealousy
But I quickly get rid of them

Maccas on the way home, inappropriate TV channel
Laughs and music and snacks
Sleep and DS games and flying blue turtles
Yeah, inside joke :)

Debby, I think, what have you got for me?
I just hope when you come around
I'll be ready

==

Echoes of a Dream

Do you remember when I told you of that white room?
The one where I was forced to face him, to speak
I was forced to acknowledge what I felt about him
The room was pure, and we had to be too
Honesty was the whole idea
I couldn't deny anything anymore

Well I didn't tell you, but I went there again
He took me there, but this time it was bigger
I wasn't cramped in with no escape
I was led there and I felt safe
And I had every option to leave
But I was comfortable

That was all, though
We just sat there
Doing nothing
Everything was blurred
And it made me sleepy
And he just watched me

Another dream, I remember, is of a lake
I was drowning in tears, you were laughing at my pain
And nobody was there to save me
And it felt good to sink
To fight for air
And slowly drift to the bottom

What about the one where I was with her?
Destiny, so beautiful, little angel
4 or 5, on a swingset, I was pushing her
And she was laughing that adorable laugh
And it made me smile
We were so happy, her and I

But she was kidnapped
She was never found
Tears and despair and guilt were thrown around
Her poor baby brother, he was confused at the panic
And all he could do was cry and cry and cry
Poor little baby Gabe

And I was in shock, and you were driven by anger
You had to find her, you wouldn't stop, it became an obsession
It all became too much, and I slowly slipped away
Poor baby was ignored, abandoned in the search for his sister
But the kid was blessed, he never knew her
And the rest of us hid it from him

Poor boy, 12 years old
Awkward and quiet and bullied often
But he hid away from us, never told us he knew
He never told us he remembered her
He remembered that crazy night, and the tears following
He found a photo of her and kept it in his draw

Eventually he went on his own search
Never letting on that he knew
And we never suspected
We missed the signs, until one day
One terrible, heartbreaking day
We lost him too

==

Listen

iPod, earphones, volume full bull
I'm invincible, nobody can touch me
I can't see past the stars, they're shining
It's okay because the music is playing

Listen to my songs
The ones I listen to
They say music is personality
Yeah, for me it's true

So many songs of heartbreak
Even more of true love
Not so many of happiness
But plenty of random stuff

Put Your Arms Around Me
Oh God, I wish you would
Keep Holding On
Oh God, I wish I could

Hear Me
Sometimes I think you can't
But I'm screaming now
Just listen

Fall To Pieces
Savin' Me
Can I Have A Kiss
Impossible

Kelly Clarkson, Natasha Bedingfield
Nickleback, Natalie Imbruglia
Carrie Underwood, Paramore
So much more

Speak to me, tell me what you hear
When you take an earphone and listen
And keep listening
I'm just wondering

Are you listening?
Can you hear the meaning
The emotion in the lyrics
I sing them sometimes

Listen, listen to me
Hear me sing, or softly speak
Or write a lyric across my page
I say it's nothing, but listen

So many things happening to me
Music keeps my heart beating
Listen to the words, feel what I'm trying to say
I don't think you understand

I always look for double meanings
In things people say or write
The music they listen to
The books they read and pictures they scribble

I find many
I don't know how many are true
But it saddens me
Nobody else is noticing

I dedicate so many songs
But I could never tell anyone
So all I do
Is just listen

==

Grow Up

Amanda, my little cousin, Mandy's growing up
She'll be in high school next year
She was so excited to show me her bras
And talk to me about her guy fears

The last time I saw her she was little, young
Innocent, unaware of life
Now she's full of ideas about people
And she's going after guys

And little Brodie, Bra we call him, he hugged me real tight
He loves to ride his quad bike
And show off to my sister
He really missed her

But who do I really wanna write about
It's Emma, always Emma, my favourite one
A year older than me and a grade above
She always gives me the biggest hugs

Emma, last time I heard of you, you'd run away
I was so scared for you, I was miles away
Didn't know if you'd get home safe
Didn't know the reasons

I overheard talking, something about a boyfriend
Emma, Emma, I thought, it's a guy, again
What happened? Did he hurt you? I worried so much
Then I heard he went with you

What made you so desperate, to just run like that?
To abandon your mum like that?
I heard her cry over the phone to grandma
And I cried too, I thought I'd never see you

But I stood there hugging you that day
And I was so happy
I wanted to ask you all those things
But I couldn't bring it up

Instead I decided to watch you
To see if you'd changed at all
And God, what I found, I'm not sure
If I wanted to know those things

I saw you had a tattoo, and nose and belly pierced
You're only 15!
You got out a cigarette
I had to keep blinking

You talked about sex
Like it was nothing
But not around your friend
With her you didn't speak of it

She mentioned things I wondered about
A guy she knew, her mum's wedding dress
She'd just turned 18, or was it 19?
And a scar on her stomach

Once when she was out of the room
You whispered to me she had cereberal palsy
but not to mention it
Cos she didn't like being treated like a baby

I could understand that
So I didn't say a thing
But God, I was so curious
It got me wondering

She talked of a bike accident
But I doubted the truth of it
Emma told me her guyfriend got her pregnant
And she almost lost it

So I started to think about the scar
And wonder if it was an abortion
It made me so sad
I know she'll regret it one day

We prepared to go swimming
Changed into swimmers
The girl borrowed Emma's bikini
And was so self conscious

But i didn't see it
And emma joked about it
And the poor girl tried to hide
She didn't wanna cry

Emma talked of her friends
While she talked on msn
There was this one guy who kept sayin 'I need to cry'
She explained that his best friend had overdosed and died

Shit, everyone's running away
Getting pregnant, overdosing, dying
Diseases, scars, depression
Smoking, tattoos, crying

I'll never forget that visit
A few days with my cousins
I learnt so much about life
And it makes me wanna cry

My nan tells me to grow up
Then she says to enjoy being a kid
And not grow up so fast
What do I do?

Life is hard.

==

On The Bus

In the mornings I wait on my driveway
With my sister and my dad
Most mornings I get into an arguement
And I don't speak to them

When the bus arrives I am relieved
I step up and nod to the driver
I walk to my normal seat
Where Thomas is usually sitting in front of me

Usually he jokes around and laughs
Or he listens to his iPod
I don't know if he ever thinks to ask
If anything is wrong

A few more stops and we're on our way
People surround me with gossip and laughter
I listen to conversations and learn new things
And sometimes I just stare out the window

Other than my enemy, nobody sits next to me
They choose to stand instead
I wonder sometimes if something's wrong with me
If anyone notices how bad it makes me feel

Later, in the afternoon
He walks me to my stop
And waits with me till the bus comes
And then he walks off

The people all squish through the door
And push and shove others around
I wait till last to get on
And there's barely any room to stand

A few stops later I have my own seat
And the primary school kids crowd on
But the back is for the big kids
I sit on my seat, alone

This is usually the time I'm wishing
Somebody will call me on my phone
Or I'm making my ears bleed
Or I'm thinking of poems

Honestly, in the mornings
I just want someone to care
To sit next to me and smile and say hi
And ask me if I'm alright

Because I don't like feeling alone
Like I'm being ostracized
I don't want to be avoided
I just want to be able to say to a stranger

'No, I'm not alright.'

==

Caught

On the way to the school I sung along to the music
That is the only tape in my aunt's car
When we arrived we walked around a bit
Looked at the artworks around the hall
And I picked two favourites

One was a simple canvas
Landscape, long, colourful
Flowers and glitter and patterns
Swirling and slides and sections

The other was a series of works
Expressing emotions through art and simple words
I wasn't paying attention to the names and descriptions
I was too busy looking

After we finished looking we sat down
I picked up the program on the seat
Reading, reading, hey that's a cool song
Turn the page
Shit

I stared and stared at the name
I was so surprised I could hardly breathe
Of course I had to pretend I was fine
My aunt was sitting next to me

Looking around casually
Spot
There
Look away
Look again
Look away
Look again

I stared
I couldn't help it
I hadn't even seen her in school since last term
And here she was, smiling and laughing
She doesn't mean anything to me
It's just her name
She caught me staring too

I went out to try to get you off my mind
And what name appears on a painting I immediately favourited?
Dunwell-Drayton

I miss you :'(

==

What They Don't Know

A girl sits alone
Every day at school
Nobody comes to talk to her
They think she just isn't 'cool'

She doesn't really mind
She's just that used to it
Nobody speaks to her
So she uses her time to think

What they don't know
Is she's beaten every day
They don't know about her home
They don't know she doesn't want to be alone
They don't know what's happening
They just ignore her

A boy is adored
By all of his peers
He's a star athlete
And he lives for the cheers

He's bottom of every class
But sport makes up for it
Everybody surrounds him
So he never gets time to think

What they don't know
Is he's pressured all the time
If he doesn't win a game
He's punished and hit again and again
His dad wants him to be like him
But he wants to follow his own dreams

A girl is always teased
People bully her all the time
She takes all the hits
Nobody sees her cry

She's called a nerd and called fat
She's called other names and laughed at
But she ignores people and turns away
And she'll keep on taking it and playing along

What they don't notice
Is she goes to the toilet alot
Even when she hasn't eaten
Their teasing makes her weaken
And she goes to the loo
And makes herself spew

Another girl is known
For stealing things from people
When she's around people hide their stuff
And she acts tough

What they don't know
Is that she lives on the streets
Always begging for money, food
Shelter, anything she could use
So she tries to get good grades to get a good job
So she can earn money to keep herself alive

The most popular guy in the school
Is worshipped and has plenty of 'friends'
He's a good athlete, got good grades
And can always lend a hand

What they don't know
Is that he feels so alone
He doesn't have a real family
Or a place to call home
He just wants a real friend
Who he can really talk to

A couple everyone knows
Is popular around the school
People ask how long they've been going out
And they always know the answer

They sigh and want a relationship like that
They want to be able to find someone
That they can be totally in love with
And be together and be perfect like them

What they don't know
Is that it isn't so perfect
Texts and emails and calls show
That the girl loves someone else as well
And the guy can't take it for much longer
But they keep up the act.

What they don't know
Is that she's devastated
He's angry and frustrated
And they're falling apart
In front of everyone
But nobody knows it.

Oh the things they don't know...

==

...

I don't know why the thoughts came to me
The thoughts of doing that scared me
I thought of throwing up just to see
If anyone would hear and stop me

I don't know why I'm so depressed
No, I do, I take that back
It's because you aren't here
And he doesn't understand

I try to talk to him about you
And his eyes turn cold and he stiffens
I don't know who I can talk to
Nobody else will listen

Shocking, hurtful words he throws at me
Like I just want two guys because I'm greedy
Like I just want him to dump me
So I can go running to you

Idiot, you've hurt me bad
Don't you know what you're doing?
You're the only person I talk to here
And you're knocking that trust to ruins

How can you say those things?
You said something once that hurt more than anything
I'd told you I just wanted to be with you and forget him for one day
And you said 'Oh, so you just wanna fuck me'

Do you have any idea how that made me feel?
We've been having more and more arguements
I can't take it anymore, I can't stand it
Because you say things to me that really hurt

I need to sort this out somehow
Every time you've told me to choose
You know I can't, I won't anyway
But now I'm asking you

Are you going to leave me?
Are you sick of everything yet?
Because if not I don't want you
To ever ask me to choose again

==

Voices

It's hard to discern the exact place in my mind
Where all of my thoughts come from
Sometimes they're loud; quiet other times
But all have come from somewhere in there
They make me happy, sad, excited, scared

Voices and words can be rough or coarse
Like sandpaper rubbing across a carpet
They can be loud and urgent
Like a person selling something at the market
They can be smooth and melodic
Like the tinkle of piano keys
They can be whispered and calm
Like somebody telling a secret
They can be young and vibrant
Like a child playing
Or old and weak
So the voice seems like it's decaying
They can be sharp and clipped
Like lawn shears trimming a hedge
Or even so quiet you can't hear
They can be angry and quick
Like the kettle boiling over
They can be short and raspy
Like steam coming out in bursts
They can be heavy and slow
Like someone talking about a death
They can be decisive and relieved
Like finishing a suspensful book

They can be low and frightening
Like the voices that whisper to me
Low and frightening and urgent
Whispering promises to me
Urgent and persistent and numbing
Telling me to do things
Promising it'll make me feel better
And they give promises hard to resist

Tell me will they ever go?
I dunno how you could know
But I really don't think so
They inflict the pain on me I gave into a while ago

==

Birthday Tower

For my birthday I want a big cake
That is so big it can't fit on any plate!
It will have to be delivered on a big tray
That can hold my massive cake

Mummy says she can't make one
So I guess I'll have to bake one
It will have 50 layers and lots of icing
And it will be delicious and spicy!

Mummy laughed when I told her
How awesome my cake would be
She told me I'd have to wait another year
To have a cake that is so big

But on my birthday she walked into my room
With a cake that was as high as the roof!
It almost didn't fit through the door
And when it did it toppled to the floor!

I don't want a big cake anymore
Because I'll have to eat it off of the floor
But mummy says I'll be just fine
With my favourite activity: Rock climbing!

==

On Your Way

I got kicked out, you say to me
Why, I ask, and you shrug unhelpfully
I'm not going back, I hear your thoughts
Where are you gonna go? I worry out loud
I dunno, maybe a friend's house
You tell me you got a place for the night
But you don't know how long you can stay
Later we're talking online
And you tell me you wanna stay with me
I tried to sleep but I couldn't
And my family made me tell them what's up
And next day at school I asked you
What you were gonna do
And you shrugged and said whatever
And I worried so much about you
Today didn't go as planned
On my way to dancing we had an accident
Then came the police and ambulance
And off to hospital we went
I was so scared
My dad called sweetness
And he was worried so much
And when I came home
He came over in a rush
But just before he arrived
You sent me a text
I'm on my way to parkes
And I didn't want you to go
But you were already on your way
And a quick search showed me
Just how far away
And I swear I almost screamed
It couldn't be happening
But it was and now I'm worried again
And I'm gonna miss you so much
I don't know what I'm gonna do without you
I'm gonna be worrying all the time
And something happened then
I realised
It's happening all over again
Someone I loved but didn't have
Left
And I guess that's what my subconscious picked up on
When I started refavouriting that old favourite song

Where are you? I need you
Don't leave me here on my own
Speak to me, be near me
I can't survive unless I know you're with me
...Let me be numb
I'm starting to fall...

I don't know what to do.

==

Nightmare

Jake and I are hanging out at a party or something. Hugs cos we haven't seen eachother in ages. So happy. Everything's great. He's back. Having fun.
2 girls come up to him and say hi then run off. They're from parkes. What the?
He apologises to me and follows them. He goes through a door. Can't see them anymore.
I'm alone.What's happening? I wait. 10 minutes. 20. At 25 minutes I worry. Lots.
I probably shouldn't but I go to check on him.See if he's okay. Mistake.
Went through door and down steps. Turn corner. There. Haha...try to laugh it off. Haha this is..
Stomache feels funny. Run run run away. He doesn't see me. Up steps through door crash into Amy.
What's wrong? Oh nothing. Just Jake. That's all. Not my problem.
Why what happened? Go look for yourself..
She goes and reports the same thing I saw. She's upset too.
Yeah, this is hurting.
I don't know why it's like this..
Run run run away run.
He catches up.
Grabs my shoulders.
No! I don't want this, liar! Please don't.
What's wrong?
What's wrong? Haha, funny. Not everyday I see somethin like that. I'm upset, duh.
Yeah, well. I needed to. You were being too clingy.
What? Clingy?
Yeah. Hanging off me. Wouldn't leave me alone.
But..what? What are you saying... NO DON"T

I don't love you anymore.

==

{a contest entry I won}

Challenge #2
Prize: TWO 'Portfolio' Merit Badges up for grabs.
Task: In 300 words or less, I want you to summarize what your WDC Portfolio means to you. Link your item via bitem. Rating not over 18+ Specify word count in item.
Deadline: September 9th, 11.59PM WDC TIME

------------------------

My Portfolio

When I joined WDC, I was planning to be writing stories. My first item I wrote on the spot: a poem called 'Only You'. It surprised me because I'd only ever written poems in school. My port became my emotional outlet, where I could write honestly how I felt about things and get support and encouragement from others -- people who wouldn't judge me (as only few on WDC know me in real life). My portfolio is my link to my inner self; I can write and discover how I really feel about things even if I didn't know. My portfolio has a few items with lots of separate poems in them -- collections. I do this because they either aren't being rated/reviewed anymore; I need more space to write; or I just think they should go together. I like to think that when people read things in my port, they can understand more about me and my life. I love it when people review an item in my port and love it so much they go and review everything else. It gives me a real confidence boost. If I get a review saying ‘that made me (cry/laugh/happy/sad)’ or ‘you just made my day’ or ‘this made me realise something’, it makes writing even more worth it. People ask me why I post such personal stuff for everyone to see. My answer? I’m pretty much anonymous, and I think writing is pretty much the best therapy someone can have. I need to write. Everyone has their own emotional outlet -- writing is mine. My port means pretty much everything to me. I’m sure many people on WDC would agree. The truth is... writing brings out something in me. I can’t lie when I write. That’s just the way it is.

Word Count: 300
(not including prompt or title)

==

Fairytale


I remember the day I met you
Nothing special
Standing outside the library
Feeling so alone
More than you could have guessed
I'd been broken
Laughed at
Humiliated
And you hadn't a clue
She tore me down
Introduced me to you
Polite nods
Into the library we go
Sit on the stairs
Staring into space while you talk to her
Thinking of him
He who laughed at me
Who broke me
I didn't know that what he did would soon change everything
He would change my decision
I would think of him as that one, the one who hurt me
And I would choose you

I did choose you
I was asked by both of you and I had that choice to make
And it was hurting because I'd gotten to know you
I really liked you
But I liked him too
Dare I say love? I dared
Silly me
So we skipped off into a fairytale romance
Something that seemed so unreal, so special
So unique
We were different to the others
It wasn't just a fling
We were just...perfect
At least we were for a few months
Months! God, I was already so excited
We'd lasted months
And I'd thought you might have been playing me
Seeing how long you could keep me for
Just to brag to people
But you didn't
We loved eachother
It was real

I'd suffered much
I had hurt him from my decision
But it was his fault, right?
He hurt me
So I chose you
Right?
What if... there were so many what if's
And you knew I thought about it all the time
That was when you first started
To be possessive
Jealous
I didn't like it
But chose to ignore it
I mean, everyone gets jealous sometimes, right?
Little bit of jealousy won't hurt

Soon he was cleared from my mind
I had my first kiss with you
A few days after my birthday
We were both so scared
Hilarious, when I look back at it
Not as perfect as I imagined it to be
But special
I guess I fell in love with our fairytale
Our fairytale romance

I didn't expect the hit
And trust me, it was like a slap to the face when I actually Noticed
I had fallen in love
Again
He was sweet, he didn't bully me
I was so used to people hating me
Reverse psychology? I thought
Maybe he wants to bring me close and break me
But no
He couldn't
The things he wrote
Beautiful
I mean, I was in love with his writing
But I wasn't ready to admit I loved him, too
So I tried to distract myself
Tried to distance myself
Oh, gosh
It was so hard
When he started writing To me, it was just..
Even more fairytale like
Just so romantic

What else was ther to do
It was so easy
Just to be there with him
Talking, laughing, smiling
Writing
So much writing
And I went home and wrote
And wrote and wrote and wrote
About everything
But mostly him
I didn't know what to do
He ws causing this
Inspiration
This love pouring out of me
Like a waterfall
Twin falls poured from my eyes
I was so scared
What had I done?
I'd fallen
And then I made another decision

It was too hard
I couldn't even stay away from you for an hour
It was just so easy being with you
And I was addicted, drawn in by your words
Your beautiful, sweet words
I couldn't stay away
And when you read that poem of mine
It was your turn to try
And it hurt so much
You were ignoring me
You were hurting me
But I deserved it, right?
But oh, it felt like the first time
That first guy
Ignoring me
Abandoning me
I couldn't let you go!
And you came running back
Apologies
I'm so sorry
That I made you do that

He never knew
I was going to tell him
But I just couldn't bring myself to
And then I was sick
So sick
Away from school
Away from you
It gave me time to think
I had decided to tell him
I didn't know how he'd react but
I couldn't lie to him

But you beat me to it
You told him while I wasn't there
And then he visited me after school
I told him he shouldn't because I was sick
But he was desperate, he pleaded
I was scared
And when he arrived
We were alone in my room
And I knew
I suddenly just knew
And the way he looked at me, it hurt so much
I knew you'd told him
He took out the poem
The one I'd written to you
He told me he knew everything
I was so scared
He was going to abandon me
I cried
i didn't know what t do
Never faced with something like this before
He was upset too
But not as upset as angry
And I was scared
Don't leave me baby
My only
Really?
I don't know anymore
He sighed
Looked me in the eye
He forgave me
I still cried
So guilty
At what I had done
It wasn't easy
It wasn't easy I told him
Wasn't easy
And he just looked away
I tried, I told him
I tried to stop, honest
Don't you see?
This boy means so much to me
But he couldn't accept it
Wouldn't
He left me crying there

I don't even remember what happened next
I know there were more attempts
To distance myself
Even you tried
We would both write, and then change our mind
He would see, wouldn't he?
He could see it was killing me
Killing you
But he was of the opinion it had to be done
At the cost of love
I tried to hate you
Impossible
And you left me many times
Writing to me that you couldn't do it anymore
That you couldn't make me so guilty and hurt
But it hurt more than anything
It was the worst
And at night I cried
Away from snooping eyes
He didn't understand
So after a while
Instead of hurting more
We made an agreement
We'd keep it secret
There was nothing to keep, of course
Just that we couldn't change our feelings
So we hid them
In the presence of him
And tried to think of other things
But it was hard
Difficult
How could he not see what he was doing to me?
He tried to force me
Bribe me
Threaten me
But it wasn't working
I couldnt change just because he told me to
As much as hewanted me to

Having the bond we had
It was golden
It was perfect
But not so strong as I thought
I was breaking inside
People were hurting me
And I deserved it, right?
I'd hurt so many
Just because of my feelings
Then came that night
Oh, that night
30 November, 2009
I was such a fool
I'd thought about it before
But never really done anything
I'd played around before
A scratch was the best I could manage
I didn't have the courage
But I was so sick of everything
So full of guilt
Of shame
And hurt
So much hurt
I had to drive it away
Paperclips take me away
To a better place
And tears heal my wounds
Make me clear again
But it wasn't that easy
As I said, I was a fool
I couldn't take it anymore
I chose the fool's path
Chose to lower myself even more than I already was
It was so hard
I regretted it so much
But those minutes, that half hour or more
That I felt nothing but guilt
It was terrific
Because I knew I deserved it
Oh, the guilt
Nobody could imagine a guilt such as the guilt I was feeling then
Nobody knew
And it was amazing

School
I always wore a jacket
It was like my safety blanket
So nobody would suspect the change
The difference in my stride
The shyness that I had returned to
The shifty eyes
The constant pulling of my sleeves
I was so careful
So careful to hide
I was so careful
But you saw
My bracelet had slipped down
I was leaning on my hand
English
Sub
I remember
I was just thinking
Staring into space
And the teacher was mumbling something I couldn't hear
And I heard a gasp
It ppierced my thoughts
I hit the table with my hand at the sound of it
It scared me
So much was scaring me
And the look on your face
The hurt
The pain
The question
Why?
You even asked me
Why?
I looked at you like I didn't know what you were talking about
I was in denial
No, you didn't see, of course you didn't
It was last period
The bell rang
You tried to speak to me
Or was it me that tried to speak to you?
We both ran
Ran away from each other
Ran away from the truth
The truth was hurting us
I didn't want to know that you knew
I denied
You didn't want to see what you saw
You denied
Then you were angry
You went to him
Raging
Yelling, screaming
You told him it was all his fault
You asked him how he could make me do that
How he could hurt me so much
You weren't thinking
But you had to put the blame on someone
Anyone
And so you chose him
And you ran
Tears, I imagine
Angry, hopeless, hot tears of denial
And it would have killed you inside
It would have twisted your mind
Tore at your heart
So much
And again, it was my fault

A text, a call
He wouldn't look at me
Get it off his mind, I thought
So I blabbered on about nothing
I chose any subject far from that one thing
Avoidance
You avoided me
I tried not to care
But it was so harsh
It hurt so much
Everything hurt so much
Regret
So much regret
And writing
Much more writing
Hopelessness plagued the three of us
And it was my fault

I don't remember who did it next
You or him
Either way, you both did
I'd started something terrible
A disease, spreading thorugh our triangle
It came back to me, you, him
Several times
I think you took the worst of it
And you even lied about it too
You said no
You said that you didn't
Even when you came to school wearing a jumper for no reason at all
I was scared
And when I actually saw...
Oh
It hurt
It scarred my heart
My soul
That's when it started
The attacks of guilt
The clouds of darkness
I didn't know what to do
Waves of grief washed over me
Tears drowned me
I was choking
Regretting
I was hurting
Curled up on the floor
Sobs wracking my body
Did you know?
I don't think you did
I don't think you ever knew the things that happened to me
I guess I did deserve it
I started it
So I deserved it
Punished myself over and over
Replaying thoughts, memories, voices, faces
Words
Making up scenarios
Replaying over and over in my head the scenes that I had caused
Imagining you with a knife
Anything bad
It always stole my breath away
What had I done?
I had destroyed everything
I had shattered worlds
Broken hearts
Destroyed innocence
Everything hurt
And in these attacks
I would always picture myself
Somewhere alone
Somewhere abandoned
Somewhere..
Dead
But always alone
Abandoned
I was so scared of abandonment
Still am
It is my greatest fear
So irrational
But there you go
My attacks were nothing compared to what they would turn into
Because the next year
January
Still holidays

You tried to take your life

Rope
A bed
You told me
I was again, in denial
But attacks showed me what was the truth
I saw flashes
So many terrible flashes of everything I had caused
Everything I had done to hurt people
To hurt you
How could I do that to people I love!
How could I!
How could I!
Even you yelled at me
An email
Telling me how self absorbed, selfish and stupid I was
How careless, how cruel
I read those words and shrunk
Those words coming from you
Someone I love
Someone who wouldn't lie to me...
Couldn't...
I was nothing
No one
How could he put up with me?

We argued so much
My boyfriend and I
About you
Us
I tried to tell him it was nothing
But he wouldn't believe me
I tried to tell him I'd NEVER go behind his back
Never even touch another guy
While I was going out with him
But he still didn't believe me
Oh, the tension
It was so choking
I had to get out of his jealousy
His possessiveness
But I just couldn't leave him
I'd shared so much with him
More than I should have..
And I couldn't bring myself to let it go to waste

Was that a mistake?
I could have ended it
I was sick of him putting rules against our friendship
The friendship that was keeping me alive
Sane
Me
But I just couldn't
And so our relationship got worse
Deteriorated before our eyes
And I was hopeless to stop it

One day you left
The day you left was the day I was in a car accident
It wasn't bad, but scary
So scary
And you left
You left
I couldn't think of anything but that
You left
And I would see you in class
I would start to talk to you and realise
You weren't there
I couldn't breathe anymore
I couldn't feel anymore
He was happy now
But I wasn't
I was..
Alone
Abandoned
I was hopeless
Scared
Lost
So alone
Alone...
I don't know how I kept my promise
It was so hard
But I did it
I did it because I promised you
I promised myself
Him as well
And I'd broken that promise before but I'd sworn it would be the last time
And I missed you
Miss you
So much
SO MUCH
It's crazy
The pain
The attacks came back
I wouldn't know if you were dead or alive..
Emails kept me going
Just that one thread tied to my beating heart
The one thing that let me know you were okay, alive
Not abandoning me...

It's been hard
So hard to keep going since you left
He and I got worse
I got dumped
Left alone again
Only one friend to keep me company
That one friend I also hurt through you
But she's a forgiving soul
You weren't there
But you found out
And blamed yourself
But don't you get it?
It was my fault
It was going to happen sooner or later
I knew it couldn't continue
It was too bitter
Too cold
Too cold to keep the tiny flame going
The flame he put out
But it was my fault all along

I wrote myself a fairytale when I met you
Not all fairytales are good
My morbid fairytale
Comes to an end.

==

Dreamer

If you were to enter my mind
If you were to touch my heart
If you were to cradle my soul
If you were to hold me close
If you were to kiss my skin
If you were to touch my face
If you were to take my hand
If you were to understand
If you were to make me smile
If you were to stroke my hair
If you were to be here
If you were to be with me
If you were to lay with me
If you were to whisper to me
If you were to stay with me
If you were to hug me
If you were to love me
If you were to stun me
If you were to run with me
If you were to feel my heartbeat
If you were to hear my thoughts
If you were to dream my dreams
If you were to care at all
If you were to crave my presence
If you were to desire my touch
If you were to need my existence
If you were to love me too much
If you were to comfort me
If you were to be near
If you were to just touch me
But I'm just a dreamer.

==