your anger is a gift

         I wasn't always like this...
         I was normal once... when did I become so... so angry...

         it was fifth period, crafts. I never really thought crafts counted as a real class. Not a single person in that room took it seriously. It was just an easy A to them. Look at Kevin! He has no interest in art at all, hes just here to screw around.
         I didn't know why I was complaining, I had had a crush on Kevin all year, and I loved having a class with him, even if it didn't count as a class. It was just too bad that he didn't even notice me. He was popular and I wasn't, hell I didn't even have any fiends anymore.
         We had made clay masks the day before and today we had to paint them. People were all over the room and fighting over the paint. Cheap ass school cant even afford enough paint for everyone. No wonder I was so miserable, stuck in this pathetic excuse for a school all day, with nothing but preps and jocks, and assholes like Kevin
         Kevin had been sitting across the room, but I caught him get up out of the corner of my eye. He walked over to where I was sitting. My heart was pounding, was he actually going to talk to me? no. he picked up the tube of red paint I was using and walked back to his table. What a jerk. Am I that invisible!? I yelled to him “uh hey I was using that!”
         “yeah well sucks to be you I need it now.”
         I was mad. I didn't even know why I was so mad. Maybe because I let my guard down in thinking he was going to talk to me. Or maybe just because he was such a dick... I wasn't going to just sit there and take it anymore. I was so mad I could feel my face getting hot. I walked right over to him and snatched it violently out of his hand.
         He looked back at me “what the hell!?”
         “sucks to be you...” I went back to work on my mask, feeling satisfied I had stood up for myself for once. Then I heard them laughing, everyone at his table. Don't be so paranoid, you aren't even on tier radar. They laughed again and I listened “what a bitch right!? Its no wonder she doesn't have any friends.” they laughed again, I could feel their eyes on me. I looked up and just as I had suspected all eyes were on me. I looked directly at Kevin ready to confront him, but no words came out. “duh!? Retard...” he gave me a look to say I was stupid and turned around again.
         I had had it! I picked up the tube of paint and was ready to throw it at his head. No that wasn't good enough, knowing my luck I would miss and make myself look worse. I had a better idea. I opened the tube and poured the paint in my hand. I stood next to Kevin and waited to be noticed. He turned and looked up at me, I could tell he was about to hit me with another insult but I cut him off. “ you want the red paint? Here you can have it.” and with my words I slapped the hand full of paint firmly across his face. The look of shock on his face alone made it totally worth it.
         Everyone at his table started laughing hysterically and I instantly felt embarrassed with all the attention. So I went back to my work and pretended I didn't notice anything. Kevin was over the sink washing his face when Mr Conklin came over to me. “i didn't see it happen so ill let it slide this time. Don't pull anything like that again OK?” I nodded and looked away. Tears were welling in my eyes. I was his fault he started it....
         that wasn't necessarily when it started, but it was how it did. Small little outbursts like that. I would get mad and act out in my anger. It progressed to pushing people, knocking their chairs out from under them, or I would just get up and walk out of class. It got to the point where I spent more time in detention that in class. Until that faithful day, the day I set Alicia's hair on fire... but she really did start it! And it was hilarious to watch lil miss perfects hair go up in flames... not so beautiful now are you?  But that excuse didn't fly in the principals office. Of course I was suspended. And that's how I found myself in this strange new school. Just me and my bad attitude...

         I hated having attention drawn to myself, but what else can you do being the new kid in school. Its not like in the movies where people come up to you and introduce themselves, invite you to sit with them at lunch, and become your best friend. No that only happens in the movies. Sure everyone stared, but not a single person spoke to me. It was just like back in Canisteo, I was going to be a loner. My mother told me I needed to get my act together. I was supposed to join a club or something. “find something positive to focus my energy on”
         I sat alone during lunch. Looking around I felt like I was in a movie. Even in Canisteo the clicks weren't so clearly defined.  There was that popular table, there the jocks. Even a table in the corner where the dorks with there thick glasses and pocket protectors sat. cheerleaders... hippies... goths... it was like the cafeteria was segregated. It was almost surreal. I couldn't wait to get out of there.
         I had no clue what club I was supposed to join. I had no interest in anything. I hated people. They would end up hating me so I hated them first. Who needed friends? They just stab you in the back. No one cared about me. I cared about no one.
         I had a boyfriend for a year, back before I became so intolerable. I got really depressed when my grandmother died and hit rock bottom. I took a razor to my arm. I didn't have the guts to do it, just a scratch in the end. I called him crying. He told me he couldn't handle dating me anymore. I was just a psycho, and he honestly didn't care what happened to me. Lived. Died. Didn't make any difference to him. I don't need him. I don't need anyone. Everyone could just go to hell for all I cared.
         So what stupid club should I join then? What would be something I could do without having to interact with anyone? Art I guess. I could sit in a corner and draw. I used to like art. Before I started to hate the world, so that seems like the most tolerable choice. The bell rang and the last period ended. I threw my books in my bag and headed for the art dept. I walked in the main art studio where a few people were already working on paintings and sculptures. I was instantly spotted by a tall blonde. Just another Alicia, different name, different school, same mean stuck up bitch...
         “can I help you?”
         great now I have to talk to her too.” I was thinking I might wanna join the art club”
         “well you really cant just walk in here and expect to be a member. You have to have talent.”
         starting to get mad...
         “you don't even know me how do you know I don't have any talent?”
         “your not in any art classes. I'm in every art class, its my major, because I take art seriously. You would just be wasting time and space that should go to people who actually know something about art. I think it would be best if you just leave.” and with a flip of her hair she turned and walked over to an easel and started painting.
         I bet her hair would look great on fire...
         I set my bag down and looked around. I saw a girl with long curly red hair and a tie-dye dress was watching me, I ignored her. I found a tube of black paint and walked up to the blonde. “what?”
         I looked at her painting. A still life, a bowl of fruit she had sitting nearby, so original, yes she is quite the little Picasso. Or pollock maybe... “you know that is pretty good... I was never a fan of simple still-life though. I really like Jackson pollocks style.” and with that I started to flick paint all over her painting over and over again.  She was so shocked she just stood there staring mouth open. I loved that look. I felt better so I dropped the tube of paint and headed for my bag.
         The redhead was standing there holding my bag out to me. “nicely done...” she was so calm and cool it was creepy. She didn't seem shocked or surprised by my actions. She genuinely seemed impressed. “thanks” I took my bag and started to walk away.
         “I'm Andrea.”
         I ignored her and walked out. I didn't care who she was, I was going home.
         My mother ambushed me as soon as I walked in the door. Wanting to know how my day was, did I think things would be better here? Did I join any clubs? Make any friends?
         “i started looking into art club but I don't think I would take it seriously enough. I kinda made a friend, her name is Andrea.” I hated putting my mother through everything. I didn't want to be such a terrible person. I just hated everything. I was so mad all the time, and I could not for the life of me control my anger.
         I did my best to dodge all her questions and escaped to my room. I sat at my desk and logged onto my computer. Checked my email. Nothing but spam. It has been almost a month since dad called me out of the blue. He said he would get right online and email me and we would keep in touch again. I should have known better than to believe him.
         I sat and finished my pointless homework, ate dinner when mom yelled, and got around for bed. My life was so boring and miserable. I picked out a movie and laid in bed watching it until I fell asleep.
         
         I ran to my locker between 4th and 5th period. Well I didn't actually run, I didn't care if I was late to class or not. I opened my locker and switched out the books in my bag for the ones in the locker. I reached up to shut it when it swung shut hard on its own. I stood up to look right into the eyes of the blonde from yesterday. She had backup on either side of her, both blonde.
         “I guess you blondes must run in packs in this school.” I threw my bag over my shoulder and made an effort to walk away. She moved to block my path hand on hip.
         “we have business.”
         “i have class.” I made another effort and she blocked me again. Her right hand backup reached up and yanked my hair. I let out an “ouch” more out of shock than pain. I didn't like having the roles reversed. They made a semi circle around me and tried to look threatening.
         “honestly if you guys are going to try and threaten me, pulling my hair is a little lame don't you thi...” a fist coming in contact with my jaw cut me off mid sentence. I dropped my bag and looked around. There was already a crowd gathering to watch the fight. I honestly started to panic. I had never been in a fight before, nobody ever fought back, just tattled. This was a first for me and there was three of them.
         “duck!” a guy must have yelled it but it almost sounded like it was in my head. I listened and I ducked just as she took a swing at me. “there she lost her balance, now's your chance, strike.” I knew it was in my head that time. I looked around the crowd trying to figure out what I was hearing. There were shouts coming from everyone but none as clear as the voice I had just heard.
         “your not listening! Now you lost that opportunity! Quit looking for me and focus! Shes going to swing again. This time when she does block it with your arm. She is expecting you to duck again, surprise her! Now!” with now I shot my arm up and blocked a hard punch. “swing!” I had never full out punched anyone before but I obeyed.  I swung my fist as hard as I could. It made contact but it must have hurt me as much as it did her. I grabbed my hand and clenched it close to my body, pain shot through my knuckles and up my arm.
         Next thing I knew she was charging me. And I was falling to the ground. My head hit hard and pain shot through my whole body. I thought you were helping me!? My mind screamed. “i am. Just lay still, she will only get one hit in and then she will be caught in the act. The principal is about three seconds away.”
          she hit me one last time, but I barely felt it, then suddenly she was pulled off of me. The principal had her by the arms. “someone want to explain whats going on here?!” I felt dizzy. I tried to stand up but couldn't do it. Someones arms came from behind me and picked me up and set me on my feet. “i saw the whole thing sir.” this time the voice was outside my head. I turned my head towards the voice and there he was. He was even better looking than Kevin could have dreamed of being. And he was helping me!? I started to stumble and he caught me again.
         I would be more than happy to tell you what happened but could I take her to the nurse first? She hit her head pretty hard.”
         the principal looked from Blondie to me and back to her. “yeah make sure shes alright then I want you in my office nick.” he led Blondie around the corner still holding her arms.
         The crowd of students quickly dispersed. I tried to take a step and tripped. Nick set me down on the floor and let me lean against the wall. “you don't listen very well do you? Andrea told me what you did to Gina. I have to admit you have some balls, but you really need to learn how to fight.” then he laughed as he slid down next to me. “nick.” he offered me his hand.
         I just looked at his hand then at the floor. “i think I hit my head too hard.”
         “you did. But your also wrong. You weren't hearing things.”
         “what are you talking about.”
         “there is so much out there in the world you people never have a clue about. I broke a few rules back there. But your special, so it will all work out.”
         I looked at him for the first time since we started talking. “what do you mean I'm special?”
         he leaned in close to me, looking into my eyes. “your anger is a gift danielle.” he reached up and stroked my check, it was tender from the hit but his touch almost made it feel better. “i could teach you how to use it. You just have to trust me.”
         my head started to feel groggy like I had been drugged. I shook it to clear the fog and flinched from the pain. paul stood up and pulled me up with him. “better get you to the nurse, and ill go explain to the boss-man how you are innocent and Gina just doesn't like you. She had been picking the fight and you tried to talk it out but she wouldn't listen. She heard you were an artist, better than her, and got jealous right?” he didn't wait for an answer. I wasn't supposed to answer, he was telling me the story he was going to give, to protect me...

         the nurse told me I was really lucky I didn't do any real damage when I hit my head. I didn't have a concussion and I wasn't bleeding or anything, but she sent me home just in case. Nick was waiting outside the nurses office when I came out.
         “i should walk you home, just in case.” he smiled but it didn't look quite right. Almost evil rather than sweet.
         “no thanks, I'm sure you have better things to do.” I walked past him, letting myself bump him to the side a little as I passed him. I felt a cold shiver go through my body and it got harder and harder each step I took. Until I stopped and turned to look at him.
         He was watching me walk away. A crooked smile twisting his face. He scary, like that old vampire in that movie new moon. He was trying to look trustworthy, but the look of having some power over me as well. He took two steps and was at my side.
         “of course i have nothing better to do. My number one priority is making sure your OK.”
         I stopped and looked up at him, trying to look cold and uninviting. “i don't know what kind of game you think you are playing but I'm not stupid. There were guys just like you back at my old school. I know you have ulterior motives. I don't know what you are after but I'm not interested. So go fuck yourself.” hurt them before they hurt you. That's my motto. Maybe a guy was actually being nice to me, and I acted like that? Ill never change. I just don't trust him. Or anyone. I had reached the front doors when I heard him come up behind me. He was so close I could feel his breath on my neck “ill tell you my motives, and then will you be able to trust me?”
         it felt like my heart was going to stop beating. It wasn't like in books where its love at first sight and your heart is about to burst. No this was fear. He was close enough that he could kiss me with the slightest movement. But I was afraid of him being so close. I knew it wasn't a romantic moment. He was showing me that I should be afraid of him, and I was.
         “OK” it was all I could manage. And with that he pushed the door open for me and we started walking home.

         I looked for my moms car as we walked up the sidewalk. It wasn't home, she must have had to work late today. I didn't know what to do. I was afraid to tell him to bug off, but I really didn't want to be alone inside with him. I was about to panic as we started for the front steps when he turns and sat down on the top step.
         “so lets talk.”
         “about” I was so nervous I was afraid if I didn't limit my response to one word I wouldn't be able to control my voice. And then he would know I was scared.
         “you don't have to be scared. I now you think anyone you ever trust will just hurt you. Its not true.” he reached for my arm and ran a finger gently over the faint scar I had left from the razor. “he was a jerk, and you didn't deserve to be treated like that.” He held my hand in his. “i could even hurt him back, the way he hurt you. If that was what you wanted. We can do anything you want. The five of us. We are all connected at the soul. We do things for each other. We stick together. And we want you to join us.”
         my mouth dropped. How did he even know that scar was there. Its so faint you cant even see it unless you know its there and were looking for it. And he knew how much Tyson had hurt me. And what was he talking about!? Who was he talking about? It was almost overwhelming. I felt like I was going to throw up. My heart started racing, I couldn't catch my breath. Paul jumped to his feet and looked at me head on holding me by my shoulders. He seemed a little crazed.
         “look at me danielle. You can trust me. Test me however you want. You already know i'm different, you know I can get in your head. We are all different that's why we stick together. You are different too! I told you, your anger really is a gift. You have a gift like all the rest of us. We can show you how to use it, teach you. And together we can do anything our hearts desire.”
         I held my breath and stared at him. He let his face get close again like before. But this time it felt like he was going to kiss me. He held my gaze. “trust me, trust us. We are the only ones you can trust.”
         I struggled to force myself to respond. “us?”
         he sat down, calmer now. “yeah me, and you remember Andrea?”
         “yeah... from the art studio.”
         “right, she noticed you first. When you confronted Gina. She saw your anger radiating from you like an aura. She knew right away you were one of us. That's why I protected you today. I could have let Gina and her gang beat the shit out of you. How do you think principal Bennett knew there was a fight, and then I made up the story to completely get you off the hook, Gina is suspended for a week by the way. So your welcome for that. I protected you so that you would trust us, and because i'm hoping you will be one of us.”
         “i really hit my head really really hard...”
         “you know you used to wish for this exact thing. Didn't you? For your anger to be a good thing. To be accepted. To belong.” i'm here now.”
         “your crazy is what you are.”
         “god you really are frustrating, you know that? You are starting to piss me off.”
         “yeah I do that.” I stared off into the distance,waiting for him to give up and walk away. It was inevitable.
         “dammit I am not going anywhere. You don't have to do this with me. i know you want me to fight back. To chase after you. T hats all you really ever wanted. But haven't I pursued you enough today? Come on whats the one thing you really want right now?anything, you name it and we can make it happen. We are experts at revenge. wouldn't you like to make him pay?” he glanced at my scar with the last sentence.
         “how?” I felt a sick chill run through my body when I asked. I knew it was wrong to think like that. But the thought of hurting him as much as he hurt me felt so good. Revenge does feel good after all.

         He was there to pick me up at 7 on the dot. Mom was thrilled I was going out. But I didn't tell her the real reason I was going out. He was taking me to meet everyone else and then to go get my revenge. I didn't even know how. He just told me to let him worry about it.
         He said where we were going was close so we just walked. I wasn't sure if it was cold out or if it was just my nerves but I couldn't stop shivering. Paul put his arm around me but I shook it off immediately.
         “stubborn aren't you?”
         “i don't like having my personal space invaded”
         “ha-ha, more like you liked the feeling and you were afraid to let your guard down.”
         “whatever.”
         “in your head remember.” he tapped my forehead. “this is it,” he nodded across the street. It was a teen club. It looked dirty and I really didn't want to go inside.
         “don't worry we aren't staying this is just where we are meeting.”