The Stories (book one)

Author's note: The writing improves in later stories, and is already considerably improved by the 8th chapter or so. And it fluctuates somewhat.  Don't be deterred.

Agent Juicy Potato

One day, I was eating flesh, when I felt a strange tug at one of my many tentacles. It was Agent Juicy Potato! She said, "I know how much you love flesh, but I'm going to have to ask you not to eat it in my speakeasy. It's making the customers uneasy, which is not the point of a speakeasy." I turned to my acquaintance, Telemachus, and he said "My boy, this piece is what ALL true warriors strive for," and ate some of the flesh I had been having. I said, "Great! I'll grab my stuff!" Just then, the Beethoven burst open, and out stepped a hairy Mozart. I made haste to take leave, being sure to take the delicious DINNER with me.

When I got outside, some shady characters bumped into me on their way in. I said, "Move, light, good good GOOD!" To which they responded, "Aprons aprons aprons, ZAPRONS."I realised they had me beat, so I stepped aside. Just then I heard a scream. It was one of the bar's patrons! Agent Juicy Potato was kicking out this do-badder because he was do-badding. She said, "Agent Unexpected Tree, take this fellow and give him what for." So I did. He was very confused, because that is a strange thing to be given.

I finished my meal, and headed back up into my office, conveniently situated above the Alcoholic Beverage, which was the previously mentioned speakeasy's name. In walks these three bathing suits from the third bread. "WAAHAHAAA," they said. "It's time to be quiet now," was my reply. I didn't give my reply, however, because Mr. Sleazy Cloud walked in before I could. He threw aside the bathing suits, and indicated that they would have to scrub all the floors in Hyrule, and then they could talk about Spaghetti. "Ruined the world's cities is what Ganon's up to" Mr. Sleazy Cloud told me. "It's time to go for a walk."

THE END

------------
The story of the

So there I was, sitting in my office. The words "Office of The Unexpected Tree" showing through the door's window, only backwards to me. I put some sinewy lower limbs (my own, of course) on the desk (also my own, of course). There was notn't very little business to-day. I got a call over the desk-speaker; it was my secretary, Doomsday Mouse. "Engage operation Thor's Hand," it said. I turned the lights a bit brighter. I turned off my desk lamp, it now being unnecessary. I defenestrated the nearest mouselike creature, and it landed in the streets below, atop some people's heads. They weren't very happy about that, but this was a rain-area, and the scheduled rain was taking place, so they didn't notice much.

All this was done while sitting in my chair. Well, what passes for sitting for ME, anyway. After setting up the centrifuge, all was ready... Now I had to lie in wait. I saw a shadow slide across the lettering on my door. It came from someone dressed a lot like me. Of course, everyone dresses a lot like me here, or rather it's the other way 'round. We all wear trenchcoats, and usually fedoras, even in the parts where it's not rainy. Some of the features that distinguish me from the others (as our faces are almost all obscured by darkness) are the red feather in my cap and the orange-lighted machine on my back. Many have feathers in their caps, but most of us here don't have any sort of machine on our backs. But I digress, back to the someone outside my door.

I removed my lower appendages from the desk, and replaced their position with some upper ones. I bid the stranger come in. "So, I hear you're some kinda agent," the visitor indicated. I replied that I was, in fact, some kinda agent. This was true. I asked it (the stranger having been of some gender I could not determine) what it wanted. Apparently it was on a mission to recruit fighters for some underground, illicit fights. I declined, so he threatened to kill Agent Juicy Potato, the bartender at the speakeasy downstairs. I said, "go ahead,"so it turned around and went to do just that. Unbeknownst to all but her and me, Agent Juicy Potato had found a large cookie in her bag of Small Cookies Magic (her favourite brand), so the would-be assassin didn't stand a chance.

THE END

------------
BLIMEY

Mr. Sleazy Cloud walked into my office one time, and said, "BEANS." And it was good. The Beginning. Cue the title music. With that, Mr. Sleazy Cloud and I walked out of my office. We were going to see if Agent Juicy Potato could join us in a quest to find the Soul Edge, which was wielded by Jesus. Unfortunately, we had to fight Dennis Kucinich and Lord Voldemort. She said okay, but she wanted to use the Dancey Tambourines. Sleazy Cloud said there were called Lohengrin and Siegfried, to which Juicy Potato said, "Vote Saxon." The Adventure had begun! Whoopee! Now all we needed was transportation.


We could take a bus or train or cab, but these choices would probably end violently. We decided to get mounts. I guess. But where to find such? Why, at the Place For Getting Stuff, of course. Unfortunately, this place was located in LEEDS. When told this, Juicy Potato said, "LEEDS?!" and we said, "Yes, LEEDS." We went, and Agent Juicy Potato got shoes named Zinoviev and Kamenev as her mount, Mr. Sleazy Cloud got a mobile suit (as in a tuxedo) called The Iosifovitch (which could could fly and fire torpedoes), and I got a UINDORAGON named Shillong. Off we rode into the abyss to get milk, and also the Soul Edge.


Unforunately, we arrived just in time, and took the Soul Edge for ourselves. Then we went to the store to get some milk. Agent Juicy Potato, tragically, mistook one for the other, and so when she next went to pour a glass of milk for a customer, poured a sword instead. Mr. Sleazy Cloud and I were going to do battle with some foe, but we ended up using milk to fight, and won anyway. This was mainly because our opponent was the Aegis Gundam. This situation was never remedied, and to this day, Mo sometimes pours a glass of Soul Edge for unsuspecting customers.


------------
The Biggest Ferry Tail I've Ever Seen

One day Mr. Sleazy Cloud was swordfighting with The Enemys! "You are not worthy to challenge me," was his cry. He drew his Zweihander and struck his foe across the neck with a mighty swing. His next foe tried to parry with his own sword. However, Sleazy's swing was so strong that said foe broke into many pieces. "You exploded from the force of attempting to counter my momentum," said the superior and not broken swordsdude. I hopped out from the shadows and lost the Osterhagen Key. The enemy, they turned and RAN. Then Mr. Sleazy Cloud said, "If this is fate, we have no choice but to fight." I replied, "A warrior desires a sword, and a sword desires truth."


Afterward we decided to check out a reality bomb that was said to be under construction by a team of Dalek Blockies. We didn't know where we might find such a thing, so we had to ask some shady characters about it. Shady characters can be found in dark alleys here in Capisce Town, as well as anywhere else, though mostly, Capisce Town IS dark alleys. Some buildings are merely facades to facilitate said alleys' existences. Tragedy befell! Whenever we went to an alley with the intent to ask about the Reality Bomb, the shady characters involved who were not us dropped dead shortly after, and we didn't get to question very many.


The most we got out of anyone was "Two heroes finally meet under the star of destiny," and "You picked the wrong person to fight." After a few days of inconclusive research that invariably ended in the death of those questioned, we returned to Agent Juicy Potato's speakeasy, but only to get to our upstair offices. We turned on computer and saw emails from Gordan Freeman talking about wepon. It was time to live up to the family name and face FULL LIFE CONSEQUENCES! Actually it wasn't. But we did ponder what to do next.
THE END


------------
The Soup Thickens
-No wait, is that the plot? Whatever.

There I was, in the middle of an important mission. All I had was a roomful of stuff, because I was in my office. However, this mission was taking place in CYBERSPACE. All I had to use was a Jim Dale Harry Potter Audiobook Soundboard. I figured I could talk to people who also had the soundboard, and we could discuss recent developments by Dalek Blockies without knowing anything about each other and therefore exposing possibly dangerous personal info. Sadly, the soundboard wasn't very useful due to its limited vocabulary, and we didn't learn any useful information of any kind. And then... Luigi no DIE. Then a strange fellow burst into my office!

I used the intercom to tell Agent Juicy Potato about this, and she said that she thought it was just a drunk person. However, I could tell that this person's mind had been altered by something other than drugs. He shambled remorselessly toward me and I could see that he had fire in his eyes, but not literally, at least, until I jabbed them with a lit menorah. This person had been affected by something I'd seen before. I called in Mr. Sleazy Cloud. He was already in the room.

"You should get here sooner next time," I scolded him. "Yes, well, Leeds and all that," he replied. I asked if this looked familiar to him, and he said "You don't understand!" and I agreed. We dumped the body down the body disposal chute, which was located in Mr. Divine Hare's room. He wasn't there, so I expect that he didn't mind. The body was not dead at the time of being dropped, but it became that way when it reached the bottom.

THE END


------------
Chapter 25

Our latest investigation had turned up nothing new. Someone'd wanted it not to get anywhere, and they were succeeding. Mr. Sleazy Cloud and I were just sitting at a booth at The Alcoholic Beverage, when we saw some guy come in with a bandana, pointy sunglasses, and a big smirk. He looked like he was looking to make some trouble, so we looked on. Most of the seats in the place were occupied, in most cases by patrons. Drinks, card games... Shadow Games, of course... gambling, and those sort of things were in full swing, and it looked as though this newcomer wasn't entirely interested in any of these. He fiddled with something in his pockets, seeming to take nothing out of them, then went up to a table of card-players.

"You losers look like you're having fun!" The newcomer said in an obnoxious manner. The players looked over at him, but just continued their game. "HEY!" He slammed a hand on the table. "Mind if I join in?" He was met with grumbles and a refusal. When he didn't get his hand off the table, one of those sitting there stood up and asked what the annoying guy's name was. "Smoke Rockbone!" was the answer. While this was taking place, the one who had just stood up was focused solely on Smoke. Mr. Rockbone took this opportunity to do something small without being noticed. "So you don't want me in your little dweebo party, I get it. Catch you later."

"I'm afraid you won't," scowled the interrupted game-player. "I'll" and then something flew into his mouth. He was surprised enough that Smoke could push him back into his chair, where there was now a whoopie cushion. As buttlike noises erupted from the now-sitting fellow's seat, Smoke gave a thumbs-up to everyone at the table, and backed away nodding and grinning. The patron got up, ran at Smoke, who was almost out the door, and was promptly stopped by a chair because a patron had chosen that time to get up. Smoke, still grinning and thumbing up, said "Aw yeah." He then disappeared out the door.

THE END


------------
The Deal with Mr. Overgrowth
-It's a wordplay, get it.

At last, it looked like we'd found a solution to our little "every contact dying" issue. A meeting with the infamous Overgrowth Star, a collective entity composed of intelligent plants. The unfortunate bit was that this entity had the goal of consuming everything in existence, so we had to get outta Capisce Town. We worked out a meeting place and a thing to trade to the Overgrowth to appease it. Since Overgrowth Star gets its name from the fact that the plants are mostly congregated around an extremely large star (blocking its light completely, most of the time), we couldn't exactly get anywhere close without being crushed by immense gravitation. Instead, we had to have our meeting with an Overgrowth Person.

Overgrowth People are people that have bean eaten on the inside by, shocking as this may seem, Overgrowth Plants. The plants control the body like a sort of puppet. Overgrowth is notoriously hard to kill, making it a prime candidate for what we needed. We met up at the asteroid we had agreed upon. The Overgrowth Person swayed about, surveying this place. It was very large, the place, as per request; not big enough to be a planet but big enough to put a serious crater in one. "Sooo whAt doya wanna KNow?" Said the pseudo-person with some difficulty. "It has come to our attention that Dalek Blockies have been working to create a reality bomb, or so we hear," I said. "Dalek Blockies! You can see why we'd be so concerned," Mr. Sleazy Cloud added.

"TheRe's NNo Dalek-Block-ies.... nO Reality BOmb too... It's a teeam of, ROGUE gooby-handlers... and they'rE makinngg aggooby-control devvicce,"came the warped speech under control of the plants. I inquired, "Where can we find these supposed rogue gooby-handlers?" The Overgrowth responded with a "You can, find theM att the Gooby Ffarm in, south Capisce Town.nn." It was getting rather anxious to consume the place we were standing upon, so we thanked it and departed back to Blah Key, and there Capisce Town..


------------
The Adventure in space.
-No

Agent Juicy Potato, known as Mo by those who don't know any better, saw a delightful advertisement for a Mood Ring and a complimentary examination to determine what kind of vampire she was. Mo was not, in fact, a vampire, but that didn't stop her from draining blood from people's necks when appropriate. This day she left her position at the bar of her speakeasy, and set off to find something worth finding, and this sign was not it, nor would it lead to it. Mo walked in a direction and it was westerly. She was attacked by a gang of Shady Characters. Fortunately, Mo had found a large cookie in her bag of Small Cookies Magic earlier that day, and they were easily dispatched. One of the shady characters croaked out a message. He said "The secret lies with the Magnanimous Monkey Man." Mo didn't have heard of such an entity, but since not paying attention to cryptic messages in Capisce Town can get you killed, she remembered it.

Mo came across a Forest Marton. His name was Mr. Divine Hare, and he worked in an office above Mo's speakeasy. "Cha," he expoused gleefully. "How delightful to see you today." Mo brusquely gruffed at him. "Mmwww," said Divine Hare. "I was just in the neighborhood, and I thought I would give you some kind of gizmo..." Mo wondered why he would do that exactly, but did not complain because gizmos are spiffy. "Oh, did you run into anybody on your way here?" Divine Hare questioned. Mo said that she did, actually, and recited the message that the one Shady Character gave her as it died. "Ohhh, well that sounds ominous. You should find the Magnanimous Monkey Man and confront him."

Mo decided she didn't want to. Instead, she went to the store to get her favourite brand of cookies. There she met the Magnanimous Monkey Man, henceforth to be referred to as the M^3. Mo didn't want to talk to him, but he said "I've got a seeecret! You wanna heeeear it?!" "Not especially," said Mo. Then she picked up a grenade that had just dropped at her feet sans pin, and threw into the next aisle. "Good riddance to bad rubbish," she noted. Then she left without paying, because this was Capisce Town and that was how they rolled.

THE END


------------
Chapter Tightly
-see what I did there

Mo came back to her bartending position after her short exodus. I, The Unexpected Tree, and Mr. Sleazy Cloud, moseyed on up to the bar and got real close to Mo. Real uncomfortable-like. "I'm uncomfortable-like," mentioned Mo. "Well, agent Juicy Potato, we got us a little dilemma. Y'see, there's somethin' shady goin' on, and while that's not unusual, we're having trouble investigating it," Sleazy Cloud and I expoused. There was maniacal laughter heard nearby, somewhere outside. This happens, but it usually means something bad, so it was worth noting. I ran out the door to see if I could spot the source of the laughter, but it had died (the laughter that is) and the source could not be located.

A minor setback. I headed back indoors, but something pulled at my coat. It was a strange man, who loooked sort of like a monkey. He said "I KNOOOOW A SEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeEEEEECRET!" I disregarded this wackjob and continued back to the bar, which now looked more enticing since it didn't have a frierdo at it. Mo said "I saw that guy earlier today! He told me he had a secret, too. Actually, someone else told me that he did. And then he told me that he did as well." Mr. Sleazy Cloud asked Mo to go ask the Monkey Man what his secret was, because it might be useful." "If not," I added, "then it would be annoying to Mo, which would be less useful." Mo agreed to abandon her post and look for the crazy guy who kept talking about his secret.

As it turns out, his secret was not to be heard, at least not yet, as a creature came swooping down and extricated him from his position of low potential energy. Mr. Divine Hare happened to be proximal, so he made a noise like "oooooooh." and we noticed him. The swooping creature had great wings of at least a few meters, but it was dark, so what exactly picked up the Magnanimous Monkey Man was yet a mystery. Another mystery to add to the growing pile. Mr. Divine Hare said "cha," and

THE END


------------
Agatha Christie and the Philosopher's Kidney's Stone
-I want my money back

It was a nice day. Unfortunately, that was a few months ago. Before this whole business started with the magnanimous monkey man, and his strange secret. Since the night he got carried away by some winged beastie, we've been on his trail, but since flying things don't leave very good trails this wasn't going awesomely. It was rather bodacious, however. Or should I say, MOdacious? At this particular time, Mo was not thinking about the magnanimous monkey man, as she rarely does this sort of thing. I was pondering the matter, however, and was formulating a plan with Misters Sleazy Cloud and Divine Hare. "What we need to do," Mr. Hare was explaining, "is to use this program I wrote for this robot I built and use them to find your monkey man." I writhed into a position that would help me to better see Mr. Hare's computer screen, which was in fact integrated into his person. At this time it was part of an arm.

We waited for nightfall, because that was when the abduction took place, and seemed as good a time as any. Hare's robot took to the skies, attempting to extrapolate a path based on Divine's ineffable recollection of the flight path. "Now we can, watch, what the robot is doinggg!" claimed the robot's originator. He flipped the screen over to us, to facilitate our watching of the robot's doing of the program's function. It flew high and into the abyss, whereupon it came to a mountain. There wasn't really anything there, though. It was just a mountain. "Ohhhh, I think it failed," said the robotist. "That's okay," I reassured him. "It was a small chance anyway. We'll just have to think of something else."

But as it happens, we didn't have to. Because just then, a blocky busted in. No, wait, it was something stranger than that. A stranger busted in. He was wearing a trenchcoat, as were all of us, but his was torn in places and had a lot of sleeves. And hats. And shoelaces. "I love eatsing in the corner!" said the stranger. "Me too!" cried Agent Juicy Potato. The stranger then claimed to be the Chosen One, which Sleazy Cloud laughed at. Because it was funny. But then this freaky wierdo (dare I say, frierdo?) told us he knew what we were searching for. He slammed a bandaged limb onto the bar, which Agent Juicy Potato objected to. Then he twisted himself from the waist up much farther than any human would have been able to, and looked me in some of my eyes (since he couldn't look me in all of them at once) and said to Mr. Divine Hare, "The problem here ain't Dalek Blockies, or nothing like that. It's Our Lady of the Sky Blue Fingertips."

THE END


------------
The Toiletry Kit and the Vitamins
-Curse of the Dental Floss Returns. Biden was there.

as I was walking, I saw above me an air vehicle that was about to crash. Luckily it was not the titanic and I didn't have to go to LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS. I did have to move, beotch, get out the way, and that is precisely what I did. The craft plummeted before me, and exploded, throwing shrapnel and body bits everywhere. Mr. Sleazy Cloud stepped from the shadows which were now much lighter thanks to a lot of flames. "Well, now. That was unexpected." he said. I agreed. We continued our walk, with no further interruptions. I went to see Telemachus, at his usual spot at the bar. The only bar I went to. Once there, I saw that there was a message left for me, in the form of a computerised display that would play a recording. It was left by some shady character that the barkeep could not identify.

Telemachus was not there, but Okonkwo was. Such an abstract fellow... But anyhow, the message went something like this: "Greetings, Unexpected Tree.I didn't expect you to survive and see this message, but I have planned AHEAD. Every possible contingency is accounted for. Make no mistake, neither you nor anyone involved in this investigation will survive. That is all." Mr. Sleazy Cloud remarked that this was very silly, because this person clearly did not know what they were doing. He would have done it differently, in specific, better. I tossed the message screen into the garbage, where it was incinerated. Agent Juicy Potato was annoyed by this because she could have given the screen to Divine Hare, who could have tried to learn more about whoever left it. Alas, this was inconsequential.

However, the trash did then spit out something it could not get rid of, which was a metal sliver with markings on. I caught it, and was not burned due to my lack of temperature absorbing properties, and looked at it without care. I said, "Give THIS to Hare, and I think he should be able to get to the bottom of this, or if not, get to somewhere in the middle closer to the bottom by an amount greater that or equal to zero." She said "whatever," and then I put it in Hare's mail-box. He reached into his mail-box, since he had been standing there the whole time, and took in the object, literally, since he put it into a scanning device in his chest. We awaited the outcome of his analysis...

THE END


------------
Massively Multiplayer Online Solitaire
-I'll make millions.

Another day, another thing that happened or existed during that day. That's how the cliche usually goes, anyway. And I suppose that things do tend to happen, and things do tend to exist on days. This one was, naturally, no exception. In fact, lots of things happened. For instance, I found myself in a darkened room, with a light bulb swinging from the ceiling. I was in a chair, and the room was damp and gross. Across from me was Mr. Sleazy Cloud. I noticed a red light on one of the walls, but it didn't seem to be important. It seemed like a good idea to leave this room, but then someone said, from out of the darkness, "I want you should stay." I said that this grammar was rather obnoxious, and to try to use some that was less so. "YOU'RE in NO situation to be giving ME orders!" yelled the voice's owner. "As a matter of fact, I" and then he died. Mr. Sleazy Cloud had stabbed him in the throat, and asked, "shall we go?" I said, "we shall, but there aren't any doors, nor are there windows. Just this mirror."

We looked at the mirror. I lit up the room with bioluminescence, because that's how I roll. Mr. Cloud noticed that the red light on the wall opposite the mirror was not reflected. Nor were we. Just our clothes. I saw then a scrap of paper on the table that had been between Cloud and I when we had been in chairs. I touched it, and immediately saw a large creature standing beside me. "Hey," I said. "Why are you standing there? Isn't that a little bit strange?" "The creature, who had some humanlike features, did not answer. Instead it walked through the mirror. I saw the person who Sleazy had killed in the mirror, except that he was slowly fading away. I extended a pseudopod toward the mirror, and put the paper to the glass. Said glass was not able to be moved through. "Curses, I said. If only it were that easy."

Mr. Sleazy Cloud said unto me "Well, it is pretty easy. I've seen this movie before. We just have to" and then he shot the glass with a high-powered rifle. It was actually Agent Juicy Potato's. The glass shattered. Then someone broke through the roof. It was Potato! "Hey you guys! What are you doing in there? You should come on out." "We're movin' on up," said Sleazy Cloud. We ascended by unspecified means through the hole that Potato had made, and left this silly little room to go back to the Non-alcoholic Beverage. Meanwhile, though we didn't see it, the red light blinked.

THE END


------------
What does the Pouter say about his Scowl Lever
-It's Over Nein,000!

Now this lady of the blue fingertips. Never heard of her. But, I've never heard of lots of people, so that wasn't a shock. But when this funky dude came into The Non-Alcoholic Beverage, proclaiming that our searches were for the wrong things, I was a bit annoyed. I asked where we might find this lady, and he said "Ran Ran Ruu!" while making the appropriate hand motions. I wasn't sure what to make of this guy until he pulled off his coat. It was Donald McDonald! "Moshi moshi," he said. "Incredible... He's not been gone five minutes and we've all been free yet," Mr. Sleazy Cloud phrased. Agent Juicy Potato countered with a smooth "Well that's silly." Then Donald ordered an hambaga. Agent Juicy Potato said that she didn't serve those, and so Donald hit her with an enormous french fry and left.

Well that was productive. Then I put on my sudden realisation hat. We could use the internet! That would hopefully make this lady easy to find. Mr. Divine Hare, upon hearing this idea, said "cha," and immediately began a search for Bobby Fischer. Then he searched for the lady. We were in luck! The lady had a shop next door to the Non-Alcoholic Beverage. A hot thing. Especially because the air conditioning was broken. As soon as we stepped inside, Mr. Divine Hare flew off in his flying saucer. Perhaps he was going to do something useful, but probably not. The shop was sort of humid, and had very little blue. Long cloth was draped over many of the objects in the room, for seemingly no reason. Then we saw her: The Lady of the Sky Blue Fingertips.

"Come hither," she said, "and I will tell your fortune. Give me your hand." I offered my hand, but with the caveat that she would only be borrowing it, and that I wasn't going to detach it. She said that was fine, but then noticed that I didn't have any sort of visible creases on my hand, and said, "what is this? Give me someone without freaky hands." Agent Juicy Potato's hands were pretty normal, so we forced her hand. Onto the table. Then the lady had a heart attack and fell face-first on the table with a smack. Clearly, this wasn't the person or entity we were looking for. I noticed that her fingertips were not blue, either. So much for that load of stuff. It seemed we had reached yet another obnoxious dead end. Then she sat up and looked at Mr. Sleazy Cloud.

THE END


------------
Yeah, Probably.
-Sort of, yeah.

Dawn would have broken if we were in part of town where that happened. The Non-Alcoholic Beverage, however, was located in a part that was always night. This made things rather confusing, unless you had a watch, but of course you could buy one from just about anyone. In fact, you could buy a whole lot of them. Mr. Divine Hare had an internal clock, so he had no need of such things. So, when a slimy-looking fellow showed up and offered him one, he impolitely declined. The salesthing kept pressing on, however, and seemed to feel that it was very important to make a sale with Mr. Hare. He became manic, after an hour or so of unsuccessful soliciting, and pressed Hare against the bar such that one half of him was horizontal in comparison to the other half, which was vertical. "Ohhhh," said Mr. Divine Hare. "ZA WARUDO!" said the Magnanimous Monkey Man. This was surprising, because he had ben abducted and it wasn't known that he had escaped.

"Time is stopped," he said, and all colours became inverted. He waltzed on over to the salesthing, and punched it repreatedly in any place that was exposed, shouting "futile!" as he did. Then time resumed and the colours went back to normal. The attempted salesthing exploded in a fountain of gore, much to the dismay of the bartender. "I have a SEEEEEeecCCREeeeeeT to tell you, miss Potato," the M^3 claimed. Then the lights turned off. This didn't make a big difference, since the lighting was intentionally very dim. Then, a mirthful laughter was heard. It was rather high-pitched and excited, but somehow unkind... The lights came back, and while there was to be heard a noise as of great wings, there was no Magnanimous Monkey Man to be seen! What an obnoxious happenstance! Now we couldn't talk to him, which we rather wanted to do.

"Looks like he's the magic magnanimous monkey man, since he just disappeared," remarked Smoke Rockbone, who was now standing in the room with us. "Need some help?" he inquired. "That would be lovely,"replied Mr. Divine. "And my axe," said Telemachus, who was also now there. Actually, he was probably there before and simply not noticed. It looked like the Fellowship of the thing was nonexistent, but we had some people/things that would work together to solve this case. "We'll call it the Kira Investigation," said Mr. Sleazy Cloud. "It's Settled then. We ride at dawn."

THE END


------------
The Buffstate Crispy Kids
-Oi ga! Terebi.

It seemed we had a group. We had one before but now it was bigger and had a fancy name. The Kira Investigation. But this did not serve to help us. Progress did not happen any faster than before, which made this whole thing seem kinda worthless. I was in my usual pose, reclining in my tall chair with some desk covered by myself. There was a godawful ruckus outside, so I DIED.

THE END

Okay maybe not. Luigi no die. But I did spring form the room to see what was the matter. On my way out I had to pass through the bar, where Agent Juicy Potato was busy existing. She was leaned over, peering out the door, and I asked "What's going on heeere?" in my best impression of Jim Dale. She responded "I don't know! Maybe you should find out!" I summoned Mr. Sleazy Cloud and he appeared in a number of instants. We walked out and what should we behold but the city having numerous large round machines hovering over it, searchlights sweeping independently over everything. There were bluish in colour, and propelling themselves by an unseen means. "I think I know what those are," said Sleazy Cloud. "As do I," responded I, "but what would Origin Detector craft be doing here? Surely they would be somewhere where things were supposed to be detected. Since that's what they're for and all."

He agreed, and we flew up to one of the machines to confront it. How is not going to be explained. It caught us in a searchlight eye and hummed. "Oi ga,"I said. "Take me to your leader!" Agent Juicy Potato called from below. I inquired inquisitively as to what the device was doing in such a place as this, where such a thing as it was not particularly wanted or useful. It reponded with some frequency-modulated waves of the non-electromagnetic persuasion. "A SEEEECRET! I know someone who tells us they have one of those, too! Trouble is he keeps getting captured for some reason, when the entity who does the capturing could just kill him," said I. More auditory waves from the craft. "Oh, it's okay. But you're here because you have a seeecret? That doesn't strike me as a great reason, truth be told. Unless you want to share it with someone." More waves. "Not us, huh. It wouldn't happen to be with the MAGNANIMOUS MONKEY MAN, now WOULD IT!?" More waves. "HA! Well, maybe you can help us find... Oh, you're already looking for him. Well good luck to you then! Can we help? No? Really? Well fine. I'll just have to do some kind of thing!" And then we did. We got on top of the craft and rode it on its magical journey above and among the skyscrapers. Also, Kaze Ga. In fact, the kaze almost caused us to fall off, but there were rails to prevent that sort of thing. They did not prevent us from being fired upon by miffed shady characters who didn't like our looking at them through windows in the buildings, especially this high up. But that was okay. We were going to find the M^3!

THE END


------------
Asparagalbania
-They should get Alan Rickman to do the Albanian Song

A man in a monochrome room. He is wearing goggles though he is not underwater, nor is he welding. He is writing things in the same colour that the room is in. What is he writing? It is a story. A tragic tale of a bear and flashlight police and wooden shadows. But on this day he is interrupted, because I felt like interrupting him. "HEY ILLUSTRATED! WHAT CHA DOIN'!?" he said. "I said, "that's what I was going to say. Except now you've said it so I'm not going to." "That was the idea," he replied. Now if you'd kindly step out, this is the third time now you've come barging in here today. Not exactly in chronological order, but regardless, three times." "Aw, you know me," I said, "well actually you don't, but I think you should step outside for a bit, because you see we are hot on the heels of the Magnanimous Monkey Man! We could use your help." He asked, "The WHO now? I've never heard of... whoever that is." The Detector Craft outside hummed in an irritated sort of fashion, though it was not irritated nor some facsimile thereof. "Fine, fine, let me prepare," issued from Illustrated's mouth, following which he was outside, with nothing occurring between.

As he walked up theside of the craft, the places where he stepped turned green, just like the inside of his room was. There was no residue; the places simply now were green. We flew up and out and back to Capisce Town, to our favourite bar. The craft wouldn't fit in the building, but Green would, so he accompanied us. He shook hands with Agent Juicy Potato and hers turned green. Mo goes "roxxors" in response, garnering laughter from the audience. Some stuff happened, and then we found the Magnanimous Monkey Man! He was hiding under the sofa all along. The sofa tended not to stay in one place, so we made sure to get him out of there before it ran away or exploded or something. Shouted he, "Thanks, you dudes! Now I can tell you my seeeeeecret!" "I don't wanna hear it, bub!" beamed Agent Juicy Potato. Illustrated Green walked back outside, his mission complete.

He told the Craft that the M^3 had been found, and was inside. We led him out at that time. Then the craft abducted him and flew away, much to the chagrin of all involved besides the Craft. "Why did we want to find him, again?" asked Agent J to the P. "I forgot," said Mr. Sleazy Cloud. "HEY! Now how am I going to get back home!?" yelled Illustrated Green. Smoke Rockbone laughed at his dilemma. But it was a good question, because now we didn't have a handy flying machine. But what was this? A note left on the ground. It read, "Dear Kira Investation, I've kidnapped your daughter, hahahahahahaha!"

THE END


------------
The One Where Twilight
-Crepuscular!

Lordy, lordy! Look who's forty! Not I, I passed that thousands of years ago. "Well la-dee-dah," you might say. But then again you might just be a sprig of peppa-peppa-peppamint. At the point at which the following events take place, a few months had elapsed since we visited the Lady of the Sky Blue Fingertips. The investigation turned up a lot of new things, which I won't explain but you'll be confused by not knowing them. Out on the streets, Dumbledore had set up his shop of mystical wonders. Ever since he became a vampire, he had an insatiable thirst for blood, just like me, only more necessary for his survival, and due to a curse instead of a personal choice. He also didn't like to eat people which is good because hey, more for me. But anyway, he was dealing wares fit for Stephen King short stories, with unexplained magical properties. It turned out that a while before this whole ordeal started, he'd sold a big cannister of gas to someone. a REALLY big one, which was taken from a truck. "Yup sold it to some fella a while back. Guy said he needed it for world dommination. a ha haha HAHAHA!!"(go to http://dl.dropbox.com/u/1467119/laffo.mp3 to hear his laugh) But I don't know where he is now. He just took off after we made the deal."

He was able do have directed us toward someone else, though. Someone we hadn't seen in a long time. "Just down the street 4 blocks, turn left and go past H.C. Clements. In the alley you will find the bearer of great hidden knowledge. When we got there, what did we hear but a familiar voice proclaiming "I've got a seeeeEEEEcreeet!" Then he told us the secret. It was whelming. Armed with this knowledge we sallied forth to seek our foe. But someone had been watching. You have to be careful about that sort of thing in a place like this. And we weren't, so we were caught with our trousers up, but not figuratively. This spy ran off into the night at a faster speed than we could catch up to him at, and presumably went off to do something bad.

We went back to the hotel so Agent Juicy Potato could get her BEAUTTITUDE SLEEP! All that could be heard was the sound of Mo snoring obnoxiously. So inconsiderate. The room was dark, which was nice because bright lights are annoying. People apparently also think that darkness is a good thing to sneak around in. In addition to the snoring, soon could be heard (a) new sound(s). A soft pitter-pat of feet. An additional breathing pattern. A heartbeat. Blood flow. Blinking. Friction between clothing and skin. It was such an obvious presence, even disregarding the fact that I could see it unsheathing a knife over the sleeping bartender. Before the intruder could stab the agent, his motion was arrested by grabbing extensions from at least 4 different sources, one of which turned him green. With a thud was thrust onto the ground, snarling, he. There was no escape. He would have to answer to US.

THE END


------------
Mr. Zigglesby and the Fan-tastic Voyage
-Sounds pretty cool... yo.

"You can run, but you can't hide!" Telemachus said stereotypically to Pollonius. "And your little dog, too. But take heart, for I shall be each day thy daily bread." Pollonius was, understandably, confused. And a little aroused. Or at least he was roused, because he had been asleep. "WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM!?" cried he. At that moment Clavdivs came crashing into the room, and drunkenly sashayed over to Telemachus. Somehow. "Yaknow what youshould do... is... Lemminkainen... and then you... zzzz." Fortunately this zzzing was not caused by the minuscule, explosive creatures known as goobies, but was instead an onomatopoeia for snoring. Telemachus realized that he wasn't getting anywhere with this line of questioning, so he stepped over the sleeping Clavdivs, tiptoed past the snoozing Clavdivs, and walked under the napping Clavdivs. As he exited the room, he closed the door on his way out, which is a redundant thing to say but not to do.

The apartment building was left by Telemachus, left being a verb, past-tense, and not a preposition. You see, he had been in an apartment building, because that's where Pollonius and Clavdivs, the Jonas Brothers, lived. I'll bet you could have figured that out on your own, but I can never tell with you sometimes. The place was lit up with pale blue lights, casting tall shadows along the outside walls of the adjective noun. This left the gates as silhouettes to any passers-by on the outside, the ranks of which Telemachus now joined. "Those two lameazoids didn't turn up anything that wasn't SUCKY huh? BOY you are PRETTY bad at this whole 'useful' thing." This little barrage came from none other than Smoke Rockbone! "And I'm supposed to believe that YOU'VE managed something better? I'm not falling for THAT one again."

"Oh, I think that's where you're wrong, bud," Smoke countered, tripping Telemachus and leaning a hand against the fence. "See, I'm not such a sucker. I pursued my targets until they gave in. And I think I found some info that might even approach the level of the Magnanimous Monkey Man's secret. Want me to tell you what it is?" Telemachus, expectedly, said, "Well, yeah. Of course I do." "Tough," said Smoke, just as expectedly, walking away. "That guy is a real jerk," thought Telemachus to himself. And he was right. However, he might have really been on to something. But would he be willing to part with the information, if it really existed? Or would he string along anyone who would be interested until it got boring? (hint: it's the latter) If he was going to find any more LEEDS, Telemachus would have to double up his efforts before Mr. Rockbone used up everyone who knew anything about the Kira Investigation.

THE END


------------
I don't think every kind of cheese
-ultrax wiss

A slimy day in the neighborhood, especially with these were-rappers around. They kept were-rapping in the streets, yo, wearing their hoods in da hood like some kinda hoods. They were almost as bad as the Jampires, but more sparkly because of the bling. As Smoke Rockbone walked past a few, he made sure to trip them. "Yo man, you lookin' for a fight?" "If I was lookin' for a fight, I wouldn't look at you. See? I'm not even looking at you now." And he wasn't. He didn't once turn his head to view his victims. Ordinarily, this would have led to his being bludgeoned with a giant gold tooth or some such nonsense, but he held out a silver mistletoe branch and the were-rappers backed off. "That's what I thought," he smirked. As he walked away his hands went into his pockets, which contained further defenses that he didn't immediately need to use. "Aw yeah," said he.

"Psst." The shady character pssting was ignored. "PSSSST!" It walked aside Smoke, staring intently at him. He didn't alter his course or use sonar to map the seafloor or detect enemy submarines or mines. The shady character then stood in front of Mr. Rockbone, at which point he was trampled over. This made aseries of hilarious squishing and farting noise, which Smoke laughed at. "Yeah, well I didn't think it was so funny," came the response from the tramplee. Just at that moment, Smoke saw an opportunity he couldn't pass up. A few mooks in trenchcoats were making some kind of a deal, and he just barged right on through, making a big racket and causing them to drop the things they were trading. This called notice to them and passers-by decided this would be an excellent opportunity to swoop in and steal their stuff. "Aw yeah."

Meanwhile Telemachus was on his way back to Kira Investigation Headquarters with a lot of thoughts on his head. They pestered him relentlesly and he pestered right back. He ended up so distracted that he wound up in LEEDS! But he didn't want to go to LEEDS. It was fortuitous that he did, because there he saw an event which would shape the future. A vampire, and an old, robed man met in the street. A neck was bitten. A new vampire was created... And subsequently, the less recent of the two passed away violently. "Hello, Telemachus," greeted the new vampire. "My name is Dumbledore."

THE END


------------
Let's move to Africa
-IT BEGAN IN CAPRICA

"Dumbledore," said Telemachus. "That's a strange name, isn't it?" "It depends what your definition of depends depends," said Dumblediaper. "This will be an educational eperience. It'll be great." He pulled out his wand. "Abracadabra!" He shouted at a particularly grim looking valentine, which said "elbow valentine Ginny weeeeeeeeeasley." Telemachus was not amused. "That's great, he said, but I'm not amused." "Oh..." said Dumbledore sadly. "Why do I even bother." Telemachus just wanted to get out of there, not realizing that Dumbledore was significant to the plot. He slinked away, but Dumbledore turned into a slinky and slinked even better. "You can't escape," he said. Obviously the antecedent here is Dumbledore, but if you want to imagine that it was instead Telemachus, you are welcome to do so. "Fine. What do you want?" questioned Telemelly. "I want to see you sweat," replied Dumbledore. And then Telemachus sweated. "Yes, that's just what I was looking for! " cried Dumbledore, who caught some of the sweat in a jar. "Now I can complete my goldfish potion!" Telemachus said "you mean like the fish?" and Dumbledore clarified, "No, like the crackers. Not like you and me is crackers." "Hey, I need to get going," cried the other. "TAKE ME! TAKE ME WITH YOU!" pleaded the wizard neovampire. "Ok," said Telemachus plot-advancingly.

On their way back Telemachus used Telemetry to find the Kira Investigation HQ, which was of course The Non-Alcoholic Beverage, which was not in LEEDS. Upon his arrival to this fine establishment, he was greeted by a fine Agent Juicy Potato. "Whatta YOU want, she yelled? And what's with this hobo?" "I am a Wizard, m'lady," answered Dumbledore. Down the stairs came Mr. sleazy Cloud, crying "There sure was a lot of chicken!" "I don't care, " said Agent Juicy Potato. "Not about either of yas." "Please, your omnipotence, has mercy!" Dumbledore requested. "I must needs help you with the Kira Investigation, which I know about because I am magical. Also, because people have been mysteriously dying, and have been doing things quite out of their character, and my investigation has lead me to learn about yours. And these Jampires and Were-rappers have been acting up way more than usual. I myself fell victim to a vampire attack, which is not quite related, but possibly noteworthy"

"Shut up, " Ajent Guicy Potato. "I'm sick of your exposition. Don't tell ME what the plot is." Unfortunately the plot became more convoluted just then, when a gray creature wearing a loincloth crashed through the doors screaming. It tripped over Smoke Rockbone's outstretched leg, which had been poised for just such an occasion for a few minutes now. "Aw yeah. First time I ever tripped one of those guys. They're just so SHORT." "A kobold?" said Dumbledore. "Really? why, what is one of those doing here?" "Lyin' on the ground, ya dope." Said Smoke.

THE END