After You Were Gone

Life without him:

“You were a good girl this time Addie,” he stroked my head with his nasty, controlling fingers, his tone mocking and dictatorial. ”In fact were so good that I don’t have to sedate you” his mouth formed into sharp white images, blood dripping down his chin and satisfaction screaming with his laugh. Looking deep into his crimson blazed eyes, I struggle and reach for my consciousness. Weak and defeated everything goes black.

The present:

“Addison it’s time to wake up honey-bun! It’s time to take your test!” a familiar face pops into my room. Fire-burning hair barely covering her head, eyes a hazily mash of freshly grown grass and the mushy, brown sky during the winter. Her skin covered with little brown dots misshapen, almost a complete mirror of me. “Sweetie, it’s time to get up now. We have already set your clothes out so you can get dressed” she softly places her hand on my head and her mouth formed into sharp white images, blood dripping down his chin and satisfaction screaming with his laugh. I screamed inside shaking my head from the memory of him.”Ok, mom I’m up. Can you please leave so I can get dressed?” I say wiping the sleep from my eyes. ”Of course sweetie, and remember we love you!” and closes the door behind her. ‘If only she would say that she loved me. Then I would know it was her and not them,’ I thought while pulling the brightly colored shirt over my head. You see I live in a place where the world is not my safety. I am not the only one in my head. Every person in this cruel world that we live in is programmed to think certain thoughts. There is a group of people who enforce this and inject a serum to monitor and to change our thoughts. They call themselves the committee. No one knows who they are. In fact they never show their bright, shining faces in public. I am one of those lucky few that has been able to speak to them face to face, and that wasn’t because I was some good-little girl. I am what they call an outsider, an outcast. Simply put my brain is immune to the usual injections they give people. My anti-bodies are way too strong for any normal shot. I even get special treatment. I’m so special that I wear a silver, steel looking, cold band around my skinny, little wrist which monitors my every move. I have had them since my first breath and will keep it even after my last. Today I sit with no thoughts, no pain, no feeling. My hands tremble and unsteadily move, my hair a big matted mess, my eyes a glassy mess of confusion and fear. Today it’s my turn. Today, it’s my fate. This might be the last time I see the sun rise.

Life with him:

“Ready or not, here I come!” a man with dark brown, tousled hair, eyes earnest with the deep blue sea, smile warming every aspect of my being. “Are you here? Nope. Are you here? Oh, I found you Addie!” big strong arms are at my sides, lifting me into the clouds, effortlessly smiling and laughing. Yellow flowers flow along my cloth, dancing with the force of the wind. “You found me daddy! You found me! I knew you would!” my teeth shown every missing gap in them. “When someone loves you as I do our hearts are connected. I will always sense you because I love you” noses touching his deep sincere eyes look at me with admiration and all the love in the world is directed towards me.

The present:

Hands cold and clammy, feet unable to stand still, I stand in line. The people around me have no expression. A whole wall of people with a blank cold stare, arms against their thighs and completely still. “Addison Matthews, Matthews, Matthews?” the sound comes from above, monotone with every syllable except the last. Two women in white jackets, white masks over their mouth, gloves on both hands, hair dull and pulled back and eyes hidden behind black goggles, extend their arms out towards me. A hesitant moment passes and I gently place my arms in theirs. I can see them more closely now. The dark essence and aura that surrounds them struggles to swallow me. With every swift turn and shake, I feel the bottomless pit which is my stomach and remember today I won’t get to eat. Images are a blur of nothing but white, and nothing I can make sense of. And then there is this deep pull within me and then we stop moving. My body throbs with the grip they have on me. Before me stood a spout used for a shower I believe. “Remove your clothing” and I did what they told me.

Life without him:

My innocent eyes scanned over the paper in front of me. His words echoing in my head, “Remember my love; you are your own person. Don’t let them take who you are.” His crisp and clean voice whispers in my ear. The words start to become blurry, heart tearing into shreds, salty water coming from my glassy eyes. I can’t do this. I just can’t do this. My will-power has sunk deep into my consciousness where my thoughts are rabid and my feelings are insane. I’m a coward. I’m a lying cheating, stupid coward. “You must be a good girl Addison. For your father’s sake” my mom chimed into my thoughts. “I will never let them take me daddy. They will never take me.” My arm reaches out to the pen, gripping it tightly, my chest rises and falls and I sign my name on the line.

The present:

“Miss. Matthews, it has come to my attention that you have been labeled as an outsider. Is this correct?” placing his hands on my shoulders as I look up at him. His deep blazing crimson eyes show my guarded expression. I feel my head nod up and down unable to speak for fear my voice would sound more like a croak. “And you are on the right medication correct?” his hands become tighter around my shoulders. I must have nodded because he went on to the next question. “And you are the daughter of suspect 36502 also known as Benjamin Matthews correct?” his eyes growing deeper seeping into my thoughts. “And have you or have you not been having memories about your father?” his eyes shown wide now. I suddenly feel pressure against my cheek. A loud slap follows with unrealistic pain. I bite my lip to resist from screaming, blood streaming into my mouth. His satisfaction screams with his laugh. “Now, now my dear Addie, don’t make me sedate you again. Last time was so unfortunate. You really are a poor soul, following after your father and all. Such a shame too, you would have made a beautiful committee leader” his finger ever so softly strokes my cheek that now I know is beat red. His body whirls away from me but appears again right before me with a syringe in hand. “This will fix you right up my dear Addie. No more worries my dear. You are safe with me,” reaching for light, I quickly fade away.

Life with him:

Green surrounds me, legs spread evenly apart and I play with the stripped bouncy toy. I lay my head back to look at the clouds. I feel for my clothing; pretty, pink roses cover every inch of me. My red perfect ringlets surround and frame my pale face, and I’m completely still. No movement, no feeling. Everything is just still. Goosebumps gently creep up my skin. I feel the cold wind brush against me. I look up to see what was wrong. The red monster stands before me, making a loud, obnoxious, siren noise, and roars to a stop. Two tall, dark haired men step out from the creature; blank expressions cover every inch of their face. I feel a pounding against my chest. The monster’s minions walk right past me, not even acknowledging my existence. My legs pick up my weight, dragging me toward their direction. The minions don’t even knock on my door, they push through it and disappear into my house, and I just stop. Frozen with all my being, afraid to do anything else, but I don't hear silence, I hear battle and war. I hear the bullets hit the body, ever so slowly digging into the skin, piercing each organ in its way; the red satin pouring over the white, the faces shown nothing but ice. And then there was silence. Objects in front of me twist and whirl taking me off balance. I find the strength to at least sit up and watch as a bloody figure becomes devoured by the monster. The monster roars to life with content and quickly runs away. I find myself next to the deep red trail, crawling to find its end. And when it does end I look up to find my mother blank face and no expression. “Your father is gone and is never coming back,” she states blankly.

The present:

My body breathes in air, 10,000 pounds weighing down my chest. “You are better than this Addie,” his voice echoing through my head. I lift my head to see my surroundings, everything white; all but one window which looks to be two way. The test is over and I have failed. Just like my father I have failed. A door opens interrupting my thoughts. “Hello my sweet Addie. We hope your stay here has been a comfortable one. Because, my dear this process can be quite agonizing. And we hate to see our own daughter suffer the same fate as us. But it seems it’s the only way my darling,” his smile shone through like the sun. It used to be comforting, warm and soft; until they changed him into what I’m changing into right now. I search deep into his eyes for any inkling of the father I used to have. Deep and dark and the Devil comes out to play. No sun, no light, just black. And then I knew what I had to do. “We will leave you alone, my dear. It will be easier for you that way.” He gently places his lips against my forehead; the softest pressure is felt. Only a cool breeze is left behind. My arm reaches out to grab the sharp, silver scalpel. I look at my reflection, dirt covering my face, no fear in my eyes. My hands lift the tool facing me. “Remember my love; you are your own person. Don’t let them take who you are,” the last things I think about before I swiftly pull the scalpel towards my heart. But then I stop; and I can feel, feel the pain I would cause my father. “Nothing worth having comes easy,” he would say to me. And my hands rips through the invisible restraints, destroy the bands and my body limps to the exit. And I slowly open the door; the door to my new life, the door to the beginning.