Storage

Messed Up

You say I'm messed up
That I care only of myself
That I don't see others feelings
That I don't care about anyone else

Yeah, I'm messed up, but I don't complain
I care for others too
I notice how they're feeling
And try to help them through

You tell me I'm a bitch
You tell me I'm mean
That the only things I notice
Are things that effect me

I can be a bitch
I can be mean
But I notice
Plenty of other things

You tell me I don't see what others see
That I don't even bother to try
You tell me the same thing again
That I don't care of others lives

I imagine every single day
What it would be like
To live a day as another person
And experience different lives

You say I surround myself with people who care
Just to satisfy myself
You say I don't even care that they're there
Just that I try to make their lives hell

I do like to be in company
Yeah, to satisfy me
But only when I can't pick myself up
And they lift me to something called happy

You say that I'm hurting people every day
That I lead them around like fools
That seeing me makes them feel that way
Like they will never hear the truth

Yes, I hurt people every day
But I try my best to avoid that
I'm honest in everything serious I say
But I guess you don't see that

You tell me I'm self absorbed
And I'm fucked up and selfish
Well you know what? You're wrong.
You don't know anything.

I suffer almost every night
Feeling a different kind of pain
It's the pain of loss and hurt and shame
But I guess, if you think I'm incapable of feeling
Then you've never felt this way.

===

Forbidden

I love you, he tells me
Forbidden, I tell him
Forbidden? He scoffs
I know you want me

I love you too, I think
But it's forbidden, I know
Forbidden, I know
And yes, you're right

Don't love me, I plead
It'd be so much easier
If not for you,
At least for me

I wouldn't need to worry
Or be so torn between
Two I love
Two I need

Forbidden, I tell myself
I will not cross the lines
Forbidden, a voice echoes
It will not fade

I love two, one I'm with
I want them both,
But it's forbidden
It's forbidden

One tells me, leave
You want him
Go, be free
To make choices

One tells me, leave him
You want me
Be with me
Love me

I tell the one I'm with
I love you
I'm making a choice
To be with you

I tell the other
I love you
But we're just friends
That way it will stay

I love you, he says
Forbidden, I say
Forbidden? He scoffs
I know you love me

===

Look At Me

I miss you
The way we were
A few months ago
You used to look at me
And know everything

It's all changed
Because of me
I looked away
I didn't want you to see
But you did anyway

You saw something I couldn't
Something beautiful
And slowly I fell
From myself
I fell so far

And before I could say
What the hell's happening
I was lost
Drowning in my tears
And your pain

But what happened?
You loved me
And tortured me
And taunted me
And hurt me

And I loved you
Knowing it was wrong
But I did anyway
It was too strong
To resist my minds whispers

I hurt deeply
A scar turned into a crime
Pain everywhere
I was numb
I wanted to be alive

And at the same time
I felt dead
Like I was invisible
Did anyone notice?
I was a good actress

How could someone look at me
And see all the pain I'm in
With a single glance
You could take in so much
It's breathtaking

The amount of love Ihad
It was destroying us all
I was sharing it out
And it was wrong
It got torn

You hated each other
I hated that
Then you stopped talking to me
And committed your own crimes
And I cried

I suffered every night
The nightmares tortured me
When I even got to sleep, that is
Because usually I was awake
Crying and trying not to scream

I'd be playing memories
And imagining what you did
I thought of all the possibilities
And I clawed at myself
And I tried to forget

But nothing's that easy
It's still there
But this time another is involved
Someone who I fear loves you
As much as I once did

Poor girl, I imagine her tears
I imagine her wincing in pain
Just at the mention of your name
Never wanting to see your face
But also wanting to see you again

She'd be so terrified
She'd think she'd done something wrong
Poor girl, I cry
She won't last long
Or maybe she'll be strong?

I long to be there for her
But it hasn't even happened yet
The deadline is 2 fortnights away
But I wish it was sooner
I'd get it over with

How can you hurt someone, you ask
I do every day
And you think I have no feelings
But oh, I wish that was true
Then I wouldn't be this way

The pain surrounds me
A boy haunted me
You tortured me
He loved me
He comforted me

4 people I loved, and love
Once long ago, now gone
Once not so long ago, now torn
One still here, hurting
And one still here, waiting

What do I do
I dream of impossible things
A different plot every night
Involving you, them, her
And me, in the middle

Torn, I can't decide
I love you all
So what do I do?
Whispers call to me
They want me to destroy my possibilities

Punish yourself, they tell me
If you do you'll feel better
Hurt them, they tell me
Kiss them, Love them, Betray them
They tell me

Dreams call to me
What if this happened...
I dream of kisses
With people I shouldn't be kissing
People who want me

And I want them
I dream of futures
Different with each of them
1, 2, 3, 4
I've moved on from two of them

But what about the two left?
One I'm with, so beautiful
One I'm without, also beautiful
Both sweet, both sincere
Both comforting and always near

But if they were me, what would they do?
One suggests I move on, be free
One suggests I be sneaky
One says kiss me
And the other says leave me

Both so tempting
I couldn't leave either of them
But imagining him by my side
Imagining being with him
That's tempting

Then again, being with mine
That is so beautiful
No one can take that away
If it was ever broken,
It would be done by one of us

Comfort me, I long for your arms
But it's forbidden, but still I wish...
No, I think, it's wrong, don't look
Or you'll get lost and fall more
But I can't resist

Daydreams of you and me
Laying down or speaking
Or just of you holding me
Or of me crying
As you comfort me

Dreams, no sense at all
A love triangle and I'm the victim
A decision to make it's urgent
As one waits for me willingly
And one is unwilling to share

How does this work?
I wish there was a way
That I could be with you both
In a different lifetime
Maybe one as a brother

I don't know
And then I think of her
And him
And it hurts
I'm not jealous

I'm concerned
She'll be just like I was, am
Will she suffer as I did?
No! The thought is too horrible
I will not say it aloud

Shall it be true, I will suffer with her
I will feel her every pain, ache
Shed her every tear
Feel her every fear
Does this never end?

I'm ranting, yet again
Who am I talking to
Each time I say 'you' it's a different person
Jake, Albert, Jesse, Mitch or her
Maybe even me

What am I saying?
Tell me you love me
Tell me you need me
And hold me and comfort me
And let me fall asleep

Who was that
I think it was him
The forbidden one
But I guess he is always on my mind
My secrets are hidden deep

He knows everything
So does he
And him
Jake, do you still love me?
Do I care?

No, not really
I just miss you being there
And writing things so meaningful
The way you made me feel beautiful
Gifting me with confidence for myself

And Albert, do you love me?
Silly question, I know you do
And I know how you long for me
Trust me, I want you too
But it's forbidden

Imagine us
What if, maybe
That's always what we talk about
The double meanings
Like hugs don't even matter

But again you also help me
Comfort me, save me, help me
I always plead
And you always do
And how can I thank you?

I've told you so many times when I've wanted to die
To hurt, to punish, to run, to cry
And you tell me it's alright, no need to cry
And you tell me you wish you could be with me
And you tell me nice things

A few times you suggested being sneaky
But we both know I wouldn't
Even if I wanted to
You stopped flirting because of that
Did you give up on me?

No, that can't be true
You're always worrying
Asking me if I need to rant
Asking me how I'm feeling
What I'm doing

You listen to every word
And you don't judge me
I tell you everything
Same as him
And you both help me

You, so willingly
I know you wish to be there when I cry
To hold me when I wanna die
You've told me a few dreams
I dream of it too

It's wrong though, forbidden
We both know it
So why don't we get over it?
Because it's not that easy
I love you, you love me

So much thngs I think about
If I send you this poem will you start to doubt?
Maybe I will stray after all
But then, if I did, I'd likely fall
Again into a world of punishment

Because hurting 3 of you would destroy me
If it ever happened again
I would very likely contemplate it
The voices would haunt me
Unless you could erase them

I read over what I've written and I think
This is my writing
Whenever I write it flows
I don't even consider what to write
It just comes out

Without me noticing, I've written this
Will you read it?
Who is you, anyway?
Many people
Myself, even

Again, I wonder
How does it work?
Writing without thinking
Reading the words
And gasping at the truth that comes out

The secrets all come out
The poetry flows
As you read this you wonder
And I wonder
And it slows

Slowing time, you'll think at night
You'll wonder what this meeans
And so will I
But for now I'll leave you with a thought:
Do you really love me, or is that what you make yourself believe?

===

Wonders

I wonder of so many things
Reading, writing, dancing
Stories, ideas, people
What I'm becoming

When I look at you I wonder
What do you wonder about?
Do you still think of me?
Or maybe...
Well...

When I look at you I wonder
Do you remember the notes? The poems?
The ones safe in my draw,
Hidden in my pencil box...

I still read them sometimes
I take them out and read them
Sometimes I cry
I miss the way we used to be

But it's all for the better
You've found a way out
Through someone else
You can be with and cherish

And I sit here, wondering
Stuck in my own creations
Stories, poems, dances
All choreographed by me

But it is not only you I wonder of
There are many different people
There's some of my friends, my enemies
Even people I'm just curious about

When I see this one girl
I won't mention her name
She draws me to her
I'm insanely curious

I wonder why she does things
I wonder what she wonders
I wonder why she seems so sad
And what she thinks about when she thinks nobody sees

I was sitting with her the other day
With a few other friends
She was listening to her ipod
Staring off into space

She had been talking, but suddenly stopped
As others continued around her
I watched her and wanted to comfort her
She looked so lonely

Maybe it's just me?
Maybe she is happy
But she's another I think about
I wonder what she wonders

There's also, of course, the obvious person
The one I've chosen to be with
He adores me and loves me, and I've no doubts
He'll always be there for me

But I've always caused him so much pain
Through all of my wondering
I wonder of you, of her, and the other him
And this is the cause of his suffering

I wonder of the other him
I know he tries to resist
But resistance is so hard
I should know

He tells me things, I tell him things
He listens, I tell
My own tells me I shouldn't
But that's like what you did

How can you resist a person
By avoiding all contact?
It only makes it harder
The hurt makes it so hard

And also so much easier
To fall so much deeper
Because you watch from a distance
And their hurtful looks...oh the looks...

Like when my own hugs me
And I gently pull away
I say I'm tired
But...truly...

I'm scared
I'm scared he notices
Because I've seen the looks of pain
He takes a glance and looks away

Trying not to feel the pain
It hurts
And he doesn't even know
But it hurts

I think of what could've been
If I had chosen him
How different would he be?
How different would I be?

Would things be sweeter? Happier?
Or maybe sadder
I hate to think these things
But sometimes I can't help it

Urges get hard to resist
Hugging, writing, dancing
I write of things like this
I dance, stamping in anger or depression, or flying in happiness

I wonder what people wonder
They wonder what I wonder
But most of all I wonder...
What is this 'what if' that makes us wonder???

===

Peace

Can't breathe
Need peace
But you stole
That piece of me

You took it
You tore it apart
No more peace
No more sanity

Try to forget
End up regretting
Not remembering
Then it all floods back

Immediately the pain
It sets in and spreads
The hurt is unbearable
But it's just a test

Can I withstand the temptations?
Of the small shiny things
The voices whispering
And things grabbing at me

Just want peace
You stole that piece of me
But I don't want it back anymore
Because it keeps you happy

==

Dance Above The Rainbow

You gotta look straight forward
Never look back
It'll kill you

You gotta dance your heart out
Never look down
It'll trip you

You gotta find that place
Never stop looking
Or you'll lose it

You gotta win the race
Don't hold back
Or you'll lose

You gotta see that rainbow
And dance above it
You'll love it

You gotta stay out of reach
No one can touch you
No one can hurt you

You gotta dance above that rainbow
And blend with the colours

You gotta stay on your toes
And jump high
Aim high

You gotta do your own thing
And know it's yours
And own it

You gotta find you're passion
And become it
Live off of it

Dance above the rainbow
No one can reach you
Touch you
Hurt you

Dance above that rainbow

==

Unknown Disease (UnEase/UE)

I have an unknown disease
I nicknamed it UE
That stands for Un and Ease
But back to my story

I have an unknown disease
But I think I know what it is
The thing that bugs me the most
Is that I can't confirm it

UE follows me everywhere
And can spring at the worst of times
I get so low sometimes
And other times, so high

But I don't take drugs, or drink, or smoke
I mean high as in really happy
I've ome to know this as
The good part of UE

But when UE's bad side shows
It's best to stay away
UE taunts me and teases me
And knows no boundaries

UE has an effect on my life
UE worries me so much
Like when I'm sad and all by myself
I think of a cold touch

Not of a person, no
But of something sharp and silver
The thing I used to use a while ago
Trying to release my feelings

UE reminds me of those times
And everything I feel bad about
And all my loved ones who know nothing
And UE fills me with doubt

UE taunts me with the memories
And tempts me with the thoughts
And I try so hard to resist
I cannot break the promise I made

I'm a few months free of that horrible thing
Something that almost destroyed me
And my loved ones
And my self esteem

But UE's still there
Planting the thoughts in my head
And they grow and grow
And fill me with dread

So when UE decides to be nice
And I have a massive high
I feel like I can do anything
And I become careless and I, of joy, almost cry

I think I know UE's identity
Not depression or anxiety
Bipolar, that's what I think it is
But can you confirm me???

==

Maybe One Day

A nice girl, a hated guy
Nobody ever wondered why
He would go off alone and dream in his own world
Or she would sit by herself and write

A pretty girl, an unpopular guy
Nobody ever wondered why
She would spend ages by herself
Or he would sit in a corner and draw

A beautiful girl, a beautiful guy
Very beautiful people inside
They don't take for granted the lives they're living
Loving, caring, creating and giving

A nice girl, a nice guy
Nobody suspects their tie
They're bonded in a way nobody can bond
They live off each others energy and stay strong

An optimistic girl, an outcast guy
Nobody would ever suspect hidden in their goodbyes
Is a special hello that spells out so much more
And as one war ends, opens another door

A girl called Amy, a guy called Jake
Nobody could understand what it takes
For something so complete to be found
Except for the one who helped them come 'round

A girl called Amy, a guy called Jake
Maybe one day, she dreams, just maybe
Maybe one day, he wonders, just maybe
A guy called Jake, and a girl called Amy

==

I'd Love To Know

I look into his eyes and think
Am I just dreaming?
How can something so perfect
Be real?

And then, I wonder
He's stayed all this time
He must love me truly
What I was looking for, wasn't it?

Yeah, well.

I'd Love To Know.

I'd love to know
The things he thinks about
The dreams he has
The feelings and the wonders

I'd love to know
Just what he thinks of me
Just how he puts up with me
And all the crap I've put him through

Like falling for other people
And writing depresssing things
And doubting him
And questioning

I'd love to know
How he does it
How does he still love me
After everything?

I'd Love To Know.

==

Broken

False friends are everywhere
He wasn't false, I know he cared
He left because of what I said
I feel so guilty but I deserve it
Maybe I was falling but I don't think I was
Jesse thinks I'd fallen but I knew that I hadn't
But it tore some of our closeness anyway
And Jake has decided not to stay
Dear myself, please don't cry
It won't come to anything
So why am I crying and choking too?
The only thing I regret
Is trusting you.

==

Grateful


What's that, you ask
And I look away
Let me, you plead
No no...okay

I say, it was a while ago
Was feeling down
Was feeling low

You shake your head
This isn't you
Hang on a sec
Here's the truth

He wrote a piece
Nearly brought me to tears
It told me of caring
To forget my fears

That people did care
I wasn't alone
I am so grateful
You have shown
I'm not alone
I'm not alone

==

Dreams

Dreaming for me is an escape
From some of my real world's nightmares
But sometimes dreams are not what I expect
They are surprising and hauntingly expressive

Sometimes I wake up and I find
That the dream I just had was great
Then I think a little more
And I realise what it means

How do you comfort yourself
When your subconscious is telling you
That there is nothing else
That you can't or won't do?

I get scared sometimes of the dark
Afraid to fall into myself
I finally go and wake with a start
In a new day with a change of heart

My life has been overcome
Being lead by my dreams
I make my choices based on intuition
Dreams are a big part of that

So why am I telling myself
Not to listen to them
When some are so real
Even predictive?

I don't want them to take over
It might just break my heart
Dream or nightmare, I don't care
Please don't take over
I want a fresh start

==

Nightmare

I was in a room
Holding a bottle of pills
Small and round and pink
Like musk lollies
But smaller
The only label on the container
was 'Goat'.
I was alone.

Apparation of Jesse, sad Jesse
He played me a memory
That never actually happened
Of a conversation with Mr Heininger
He was explaining what certain pills did
The ones in 'The Shed'
Explaining what the 'Goat' pills did
And it was so horrible
I won't go into detail
But basically..
He said each pill had the same effect
It would basically make the goat feel like
it was being strangled
Fighting for air
And hurting so much.

The 'memory' video faded
And the jesse apparation looked at me sadly
And disappeared.
I was alone again, with the pills.

7.
I poured 7 of those pills onto my hand.
I didn't really even think about it
It just kind of happened.
I swallowed them all quickly
And then I cried.

I don't remember how long I cried for
but I remember the apparation appearing again
and holding me and rocking me
and putting me to sleep
and he disappeared
just before i fell asleep.

Then I was in dance camp
Me, Sam, Emma - The Triple AAA's
Hannah and Rhianna
And Natasha.
Tash was teaching them a game
called 'Shame'
Where you did everything you could
To hurt someone emotionally
And show off your scars
'Who can get the best scars? Meaning deepest, ugliest.' she said
I slapped her
'You're sick, you bitch' I said
And disappeared

I disappeared into a different dream
One I'd had before
The white room, with Him
Leaning against the wall, looking at me
'Noooo....' I didn't want this dream
It would be all too sudden before...

But then I was gone again
Back to the school
Around the science block watching a girl cry
She looked so torn, broken, lost
and I reached out to her
And touched a window
She looked up
'Be with me' she said
'What's wrong?'
''Can't you see?? It's everything!'
'Tell me what's wrong'
She screamed and tore at her hair
'EVERYTHING IS WRONG!'
'Why?'
She calmed down and sank to the floor
'Because..'
I waited
'Because he loves me.'
'That's bad?'
'Yes!'
'Why?'
'He deserves better'
'Why?'
'I love another'
'Who is he?'
'Which?'
'Both'
She looked at me
'Him..and Jay'
'Jay?'
'You know...'
Oh shit
I do know
'But...'
'And Al'
Crap
'Who ARE you?'
She screamed
She glared at me
And ran at the window
And I realised
I was looking at a mirror.

The next thing was me
I was dying
In Al's arms
I could hear him crying
And then I was gone
And he wouldn't stop
I couldn't stop him
I begged him to stop but he couldn't see me or hear me
And then I saw Jesse
He was staring into space
Then he got in a rage
He threw everything he could
He cried and screamed
And blamed himself and everyone
'I hate you! I hate you!'
He was yelling
At himself
He hated himself
Around the corner was Jay
He was watching, but then walked away
And took out a knife..
And scratched my name..

Then and only then
I woke.

==

Go


You may or may not actually love him.
Or just believe you do.
But you'll have to prove it to me.
And the best way to do that
Is to
Let
Him
Go.

==

Endless

I'm thinkin' harsh thoughts
Towards the people I love
I want to hurt them
Like they hurt me

It's a dream of sorts
I can't fight, I'm not strong enough
I want to stop them
But they can't see

I'm stuck in a black hole
Dark, deep, endless
Nothing to see here
I'm crying, friendless
No one to turn to
I'm stuck in a black hole
Endless
Endless

They put me down all the time
It hurts more than they realise
My old best friend just hates me
I don't want to live this life

I think they do it mildly
But it hurts so deeply
My old best friend doesn't care
She doesn't see

I'm stuck in a black hole
Dark, deep, endless
Nothing to see here
I'm crying, friendless
No one to turn to
I'm stuck in a black hole
Endless
Endless

I think I'm going under
I'm being pulled in
My screams as loud as thunder
My tears are flowing

I don't think I can take this
Somebody help me
Bad thoughts swirl round my head
Why can't anyone see

I'm stuck in a black hole
Dark, deep, endless
Nothing to see here
I'm crying, friendless
No one to turn to
I'm stuck in a black hole
Endless
Endless

How can they not realise
The dark pain I'm in
I'm thinking of hurting them
Like they hurt me

I can't take this life seriously
It must be a joke
I can't believe that no one sees
How I can't provoke

Falling into this black hole
Dark, deep, endless
Everything happens so fast
I'm crying, friendless
No one left to turn to
I want to hurt
To escape the pain
Maybe to you it doesn't make any sense
But it does to me

I've fallen into the black hole
I can't get out
And nobody bothers trying to save me

Endless

==

Pause

I'd almost made the decision.
I started to stand, and

Pause.

I sat back down and stressed.
I started to sleep, and

Pause.

I sat cross legged and fretted.
I started to stand, and

Pause.

I lay back down and regretted,
All of my life, and

Pause.

Decision was half made, but I couldn't do it.
I started to cry, and

Pause.

I bit my nails and bled.
I started to hurt, and

Pause.

I wondered, 'what time is it?'
I started to yawn, and

Pause.

I looked at the clock and gasped.
Almost 6am, and

Pause.

Time froze and I started to spin.
I looked at the ground, and

Fell.

I stared at the ceiling.
I started to stand, and

Pause.

==

Look After Me

Maybe you don't realise
But you're the first to understand
The first to look me in the eyes
And help me find dry land

If I had told you earlier
Maybe you would know
You're not so useless as you think you are
So stop thinkin' that you're no good

You're the only one who gets me
The only one who can feel what I feel
The only thing you don't know
Is how much I love you
'Cause I could never find the words
You're the only one who knows when
I fake a smile or fake happy
Please, please look after me

Maybe you think you're stupid
But you are nowhere near
You're not but you don't know it
You think I can't hear

Those thoughts you hide away inside
The ones which you don't want me to know
You think somehow they'll hurt me
But the truth is I'd rather know

You're the only one who gets me
The only one who can feel what I feel
The only thing you don't know
Is how much I love you
'Cause I could never find the words
You're the only one who knows when
I fake a smile or fake happy
Please, please look after me

And if I fall or shed a tear
Just hold me close, just hold me near
Don't think about what people might hear
Just please, please look after me

==

Cryin' Myself to Sleep

Why did Mitch leave?
Involuntarily the question popped into my head.
The backs of my eyes started to sting.
Oh no. Not again.
Why did Mitch leave?
I covered my ears.
My head started to ring.
I tried not to hear.
Why did Mitch leave?
Tears formed in the corners of my eyes.
My body started shaking.
Sobs wrenched my body as I started to cry.
Why did Mitch leave?
I curled up on my side.
My heart was aching.
He made a promise but he lied.
Why did Mitch leave?
Tears were streaming down my face.
I can't understand myself.
I was a disgrace.
Why did Mitch leave?
I cried myself to sleep.

==

Start Believing

Yeah, I know how you feel.
It doesn't feel real.
But your heart will be healed.
Because I'm right here, so start believing.

Yeah, I know what it's like.
That feelin' inside.
When you realise it's right.
And I'm right here, so start believing.

When you ask a simple question
Like 'do you love me too'
I can't help but start freakin' out
But I know that you're true, yeah

This time I have a choice
And the only way to find my voice
Is if I know it's true that little old sayin'
'All you have to do is start believin' '
So tell me, do you truly see
What you mean, how much you mean to me
Do you believe, 'cause I believe
So start believing

You wrote me a letter
I couldn't believe my eyes
'cause it was a huge confession
Of what you feel inside

I tried to explain
I couldn't find the words
Your love brings me so much pain
But I know it could be worse

There was once a boy I loved
He told me he'd be there for me
And then he up and left
But I know you won't do that...
I hope you won't do that...

This time I have a choice
And the only way to find my voice
Is if I know it's true that little old sayin'
'All you have to do is start believin' '
So tell me, do you truly see
What you mean, how much you mean to me
Do you believe, 'cause I believe
So start believing

So for once I'm opening my eyes
Against the brilliant blinding white light
Of love and all the beauty it hides
And for once I feel no pain

So the only way I'll ever know
Is to break my guard, let myself go
To not be so damn scared of you
What power you have over me
And the damage you could do

This time I have a choice
And the only way to find my voice
Is if I know it's true that little old sayin'
'All you have to do is start believin' '
So tell me, do you truly see
What you mean, how much you mean to me
Do you believe, 'cause I believe
So start believing

Now, thanks to you, I've found myself
I've let him go, I just needed help
From that little old sayin that I finally know is true
'Just start believin' ' Well now I believe in you
So tell me, do you truly know
The love I have, that I've never known
Till now

I love you
And at the start I didn't even want to
How dumb is that because I love you

So start believin'.

==

You Know You Were Meant For Each Other

You two were meant for eachother.
But you're stuck with me.
Don't lie, I know you still love her.
So why don't you follow your dream?
You tell me that we're perfect.
You tell me you want nobody else.
But I know the truth.
And so does she.
You're just lyin' to yourself.
So why don't you
Break free.
Get away from me.
You know you
Want to.
So why don't you leave?
You know I
Love you.
Buts so does she.
And you know I'd rather die,
Than be fooled by a simple lie,
To believe it's true, it's right,
When it's not.

==

Grandad, Don't Leave

Grandad, don't leave.
Just stay here a little longer.
I know I'm being selfish, but please.
Just a little longer.

Grandad, don't leave.
Just be a little stronger.
I know it's your time, but please.
Just a little stronger.

Grandad, stay here.
Don't die, please don't die.
I know you have to go.
But not yet, don't die please.

Grandad, stay here.
Don't go, please don't go.
I know you have lung cancer.
But not yet, don't go please.

Grandad, I don't care that you aren't really my grandad.
To me you never haven't been.
So stay just a little bit longer.
So I can say I love you.
And kiss and hug you.
And tell you that we'll meet again soon.
In a hundred years time.
So goodbye.

==

Lung Cancer

Burning, acid, eating you up
From the inside out
Hot, electric

Scolded, yelled at, I told you to quit
Now look what's happened
Crying, you're dying

Heartbeat, slowing, please don't leave
I know I called you grumpy
But stop, halt

Happy, smiling, you're happy to go
Too happy, I reckon
Not worried, not bothered

Allowing the approach
Of maybe another life
That might offer new opportunities

But right now
You're enjoying every moment
In the prescence of family and friends
For our sake

Thank You

==

I Never Said Goodbye

When I looked at your skinny body
I almost screamed out loud
Why is this happening to you?
You looked so happy
But that's because of the morphine
If you didn't have that
Then what would you be like?
I hate seeing people in pain
But you weren't
Yet I was
For seeing you that way
As happy as you were
Lung cancer...Pallative care...
You're so skinny...
I hated seeing you like that
It was my last chance to say goodbye
But I never said goodbye
It was too hard
Instead, I told you
That I'd see you later
No matter how long it takes

==

Winning the Battle

I look into your eyes
You're happy as ever
No surprise
You're on morphine
At least you feel no pain
And hopefully it will be that way
When you cross over into glory
Winning the battle
Of lung cancer
By moving to a beautiful place
Where no illness exists
Where you can reunite with loved ones
Leaving some behind, but we'll soon realise
Why should we be crying?
ou've been riding on your dreams
Knowing that one day
You won't wake up
But you will be in a better place
You're happy, that's all that matters
Why should we be crying?

==

Slowly

Everyone ignores her she's in her own cruel world
But no one even guesses at all those thoughts that swirl
Round and round her head she has so many bad thoughts
She's becoming depressed
But no one notices at all

Slowly, slowly she's falling
Slowly she's dying
Hiding her tears
Slowly, slowly she's calling
Slowly she's slipping
Into her fears

But no one hears

Her brother's ex is pregnant
Her dad took his life in June, our grandad died
What the hell is happening
It's all a mystery
Crazy thoughts swirl round her head
So many people end up dead

Slowly, slowly she's falling
Slowly she's dying
Hiding her tears
Slowly, slowly she's calling
Slowly she's slipping
Into her fears

But no one hears

Shall she think about it
There's no doubt about it
She may fall victim to it's cries
Says she doesn't deserve to live, she should die
But it lies

Slowly, slowly she's falling
Slowly she's dying
Hiding her tears
Slowly, slowly she's calling
Slowly she's slipping
Into her fears

But only I hear...

==

Fall

And tears form in the corners of her eyes
Nobody knows they can't hear her cries
And everything she hears reminds her of him
So everytime she wakes she dreads what might be seen
She listens to her friends' advice and counsellor's as well
But nobody can help her it's like she's under a spell
She can't believe what's happening and she doesn't want to share
People wonder what is wrong but they don't really care
She hides in day and cries at night but sometimes she can't help
The tears that form in the corners of her eyes because sometimes they need to
Fall.

==

Thoughts

Sometimes inside her head she screams
While outside she fakes a smile
She know's that nobody understands
Who do they think they are?
They tell her it'll be fine
They don't get her pain at all
Nothing can get rid of the voices in her mind
Nobody can stop her fall
Can anyone stop the thoughts that lurk
Waiting to jump out in the blink of an eye?
Stop them before everything is against her
And she runs out of time

==

Sense

I close my eyes, can't help but see
Visions of pain and misery
My best friend's tears form in my eyes
I know the reasons why she cries
I experience things as though they're mine

Sometimes it's so hard to live a life.

==

One Step Forward, Two Steps Backwards

This is how my world goes 'round
One step forward, two steps backwards
When a beautiful thing is found
And then it is taken away

This is how my world goes 'round
Two steps forward, three skips backwards
When I help others feel great
And then I am left in the quicksand

This is how my world goes 'round
Making other people happy
But then I realise
Just how sad that makes me

This is how my world goes 'round
Being happy for others
Then realising what others think
When they think of me

This is how my world goes 'round
One big smile, two deep scars
Well, not literally
Just in my heart

This is how my world goes 'round
Three great days, and a month of depression
Thinking about what I didn't do
And the things I did wrong

This is how my world goes 'round
One step forward, a smile, then a frown
A friend brings a smile, a thought brings a frown
Then something picks me up again

This is how my world goes 'round
Friends tryna help, making me smile
Thoughts tryna convince me that I'm worthless
And one step forward, two steps backwards

==

Escape

I packs my bags
Ready to leave
Get in the car
And arrive excitedly

I rush through the door
And into the hall
I put my bag down
And says hello to all

I unties my shoes
and put a different pair on
I sit in a circle
With some of the others

We stretch, and chatter
Talking of displays, comps
School, other people
Random stuff

Then up to teach
The girls stand in a line
Either behind me or in line with me
And I shows them how to dance

Step by step, I say
Don't worry, you'll get it soon
Just keep practising
And it'll be perfect

Now it's my turn
I'm practising with her team
It used to be just the triple AAAs
But now it's just Sam and me

The 4-hand, 2-hand
Used to be 3-hand
Now a 6-hand
So many dances

Then it's solo's
Each person individually
Take their places in the hall
And practise with their small group

Hard shoes, soft shoes
Socks and sock glue
People and music
Irish Dance
One of my happy places

==

I'm Sorry

I made a promise about 5 months ago
A promise to you, him, sweetz and I
I made a promise that never again
Would I do something so fucking stupid

There have been times since then I've felt
So much happier then before
But the other extreme follows closely
And my mind and heart and soul fight wars

My mind says don't be stupid
My heart says think of the others
My soul just doesn't give a shit
It's already torn to pieces

I thought of the others, oh yes, I thought
And I cried and I cried and I cried...
Crying didn't seem to be enough
And little things added up

Things that my family do
Things that my enemy says
Things that I know are wrong
Expectations I don't live up to

My sister, she tears my insanity bit by bit
And when I complain of it
I'm told I'm a little bitch
And that I blame her for everything

My family, they never listen to me
If they do they get the wrong idea
I try to explain and I say something wrong
And it all ends in crying

My enemy, oh, there's a reason
She does the most obvious things and denies them
She spreads the worst rumours and denies
Denies everything she knows I know she does

Things I know are wrong...God, so many
Like wanting so much
And hurting people
And being so fucking greedy

How can I stop
I can't control myself
My feelings wrap around me
And choke me until I can't deny they're there

And I do deny things
But for other peoples sake
I try not to feel
And then I'm slapped in the face

At dance we were listening to a cd
On 'How to be a Champion'
It's meant to be inspiring
And it was very funny

The narrator says:
'You are not what you think you are; what you think, you are.'
The power of punctuation and emphasis
It actually makes sense

I'm sorry, so sorry
I couldn't help it
I got so close the other day, and today...
I couldn't stop myself.

Just don't give up on me, please??