Letters From a Lost Girl

November 9th, 2039

I have discovered my mind. My mind is on fire. On, and on. Going and going. Deciding on decisions, on consciousness and on life itself. I am alive with the energy of my thoughts. I let them swallow me, consume me and spit me out for the rush of what I can discover within my own mind.

I don’t need anything else. How could i? what else is there to need? my own mind can provide me anything. What use is there in the human search for fulfillment and satisfaction? The hopeless quest for meaning in life has lost all appeal now that I have discovered the infinite quest for meaning in the mind. Nothing can compare to creating a possible answer, then the rush of disproving that very thought. Social interaction is petty and worthless, unnecessary waste of time that must to be spent elsewhere.

I can thrill myself by trying to think about nothing, laying still an flat, emptying everything. I enjoy the rush of the fear when I stop thinking. almost like I don’t exist. Then I jolt awake, thrilled with the ability to come back from nothing.

January 2nd, 2040

I don’t exist. I used to have my thoughts. But even they are lost now. Even they have left me. I cant imagine how I used to enjoy this. I would always be able to stop it though. I could open my eyes or brush my hands against my sides and id be back. Now that rush is gone and the fear has taken over me.

I have locked myself in an unending cavern of possibility. This hole that just keeps going.

Now my mind is burned out. I cant escape the emptiness that I have created.

March 24th, 2040

I want to get up, move, scream, try something to bring myself back to life. Part of me wants to see how long I can do this. Push the boundaries of existence and tolerance. How much can I take? How far can I lean out over the edge before I fall?

They egg me on. They enjoy the thrill of my fear. Part of me enjoys it too…and part of me wants it to stop. But then They are there, telling me to continue, to keep pushing the boundaries. And They’re excitement makes me forget wanting to stop I want to be with Them. I have to keep going.

It is a dangerous game, but I cant seem to stop myself from dangling. I’m terrified of the fall, of the crash, but there’s an exhilaration to pulling the chute at the last second. Except its so real, and I don’t know that I have a chute to save me. Its not that I have some kind of faith that there is something to save me. I just don’t know. Part of me hopes there isn’t.

May 14th , 2040

I have pushed too far. They are angry with me now. The part of me that wanted to keep falling has gotten smaller and smaller. The part of me that I think is real life is growing again. Telling me to stop. I want to. I’m scared of them. I was falling with Them. But now I’m falling too fast and I cant get rid of them. They are getting louder and louder, filling me up and consuming me, like my mind used to. But there’s no rush in this, no excitement. Only fear. No, the thrill is gone. It isn’t fear anymore. Just terror.

I am begging Them to let me go, but they are holding on too tightly, and it hurts.

May 30th , 2040

They stopped yelling. It is worse now. Just hissing, growing, spitting noise that hurts my ears more than the yelling. They are crawling inside my face, my skin. I think there are scratches on my face from where I have tried to dig Them out, but They are too deep inside of my skin to get out.

June 6th, 2040

I think I have been screaming. People keep knocking on the door, trying to talk to me, trying to help me, reaching out, trying to pull me out of this hole. I don’t know theses people, but they hold out their arms…Grab onto my hand.

I am trying to reach back but They wont let me, They have so much control. Soon ill be out of reach, and it will be too late. Ill be so far gone that even if I could reach back, it wouldn’t make a difference. I hope they let go in time, I don’t want it to end like this.

June 12th, 2040.

They have a firmer grip than ever. I can hardly move on my own, they control everything I do. I cannot see, or rather I cannot trust what I see. I know my mind has the power to change what is around me, so they must have that power too. I do what they tell me, but I don’t know what it is. I am not moving myself, they are doing it for me. I don’t think I have left the house in weeks, maybe even months. But there are these blank spots in my memory that I cannot explain. I am terrified of these lapses in memory…who knows what I may have done?

June 15th, 2040

I have discovered that sometimes I can hide from Them. There is a place in my house where They cannot find me. Or at least not right away. I can create a few moments of peace here, and each day I go, planning on how I will be rid of Them. It is these moments each day that keep me going. I know that soon I will be free. I need to find where They are, and then I will be able to get rid of them. I don’t know how yet, but I will do it.

July 23rd, 2040

I think I can find a way to escape Them. I haven’t been writing because I think They can read some of it. Not all of it, but I know They can see it, and I know They are suspicious. I have to be very careful.

I found where They are. It is my blood. I know because I fell yesterday, and my leg began to bleed. As soon as I bled I felt better. That’s where They must be. I just need to be rid of Them.

July 27th, 2040

I know what I must do. I have been planning it and I think I can do it. My freedom is so close I can taste it, I can see it. But I must be careful. I don’t want them to see my hope, my excitement, so I am as obedient as ever.
Tomorrow is my escape. I am ready. There is a glass window in my place where I hide. I broke it yesterday,  and the glass shards sliced at my ankles. I didn’t feel the pain, I felt Them leaving as I bled only a little. Soon I will be better. Soon I will be free, ready to rejoin the world the way I once was.

July 28th, 2040, 2:36 pm

I write this in my final moments in this prison. I have escaped, I only have a few minutes. They will be angry with me when They find out what I have done, but it will be too late for Them by the time they realize. I will be free of them. I can hear them coming as my heart races with the prospect of my freedom. They are here now, but I am ready.

July 28th, 2040. 7:29 pm

I am back again, and They know what I am going to do. They rush towards me, getting closer as I take the biggest glass shard in my hand. It slices my palms as I grip it tighter. My hands are wet and warm, sweet and red with blood. As I bleed I can hear Them scream with rage.  I move the glass down my forearms, feeling a pinch that lasts this time. I am cut and it hurts, but the feeling of Them leaving me makes me forget about the pain.

They howl at me, cursing me. I know that I am being freed. I take the glass in my other hand and repeat on my other arm. Both of my arms are bleeding now, and the blood is rushing out, red spilling onto the cold black and white tiles of my kitchen. They are trying to stop, but the blood is coming out too quickly.

I smile, knowing I have conquered them. They are gone, forever, I will never let Them return.

July 28th, 2040. 7:48 pm

something isn’t right. I can see life in front of me, but I cant reach it. Im falling, the world is darkening and I feel weak. It has been so long since I was truly alive, that I cant even remember it. Is this what it feels like?

I take solace in that there is peace. It is quiet in here, and cry with joy. I am free.



July 28th, 2040. 7:50 pm

I understand now, this is the price of my freedom. I am fading, I should have known that They wouldn’t allow me to escape this with no consequences. I wish I had stopped sooner. I knew it would be too late for me.

It is dark now, too dark too see, and I can hardly write anymore. I wish it wasn’t like this, but there is peace.

Peace, at last. Oh, sweet relief…