Poor Wally

With rosy cheeks and thumping head
Wally coughed and whined all day,
while the missus worked around him
in her own indomitable way.

Wally said “I don’t need no tablets,
or a doctor to tell me what to do.
‘Cos even blind Freddie in a blizzard
could see I’ve got the flu.”

He coughed and then clutched his chest,
“Struth, I’m havin’ a heart attack!”
The missus gave a knowing smile,
before slapping him on the back.

“Jeez, you’re a heartless bitch,
a man is in his death throes.
You’ll be sorry when I’m gone -
how you’ll manage, God only knows.”

Many answers came to mind
but the missus bit her tongue,
she gave him time to sulk a bit
before saying “It could be a collapsed lung.”

Well, Wally went as white as a sheet,
his chest was feeling tight
and he was having trouble breathing.
Lord, the missus was probably right.

“Don’t worry Wal, you’ll be right.”
She took him by the arm.
“Just lay down here, breath real slow
and try to relax and keep calm.”

“Keep calm!” he cried, “You’ve got to be jokin’
when each breath could be me last.
You’d better get the doctor in -
I think I’m fadin’ fast.”

With the pain in his head getting unbearable
Wal moaned, “I’ve probably got a tumor.”
The missus managed to choke back a laugh -
Wal wouldn’t appreciate the humour.

“You should’ve called the ambulance,
the doctor will be too late.
Jeez, perhaps you’d better call Frank,
so I can say ‘see ya’ to me mate.

And the kids - Gawd it’ll break their hearts
if I pass on without saying goodbye.”
He gave a sob at the thought of it all.
“No, I couldn’t bear to see them cry.”

The missus gave his arm a pat
and reassured him he’d be all right.
But Wally scorned her comforting,
muttering “I’ll be lucky to last the night.”

When the door bell chimes finally rang
they sounded like a death knell to Wally.
Then seeing the doctor was a woman
only made him more melancholy.

The doctor flashed a weary smile
“Now tell me, what is the matter?”
So Wally announced his own diagnosis
in the most graphic type of patter.

Her eyebrows soared and eyes grew wide
when he told of his heart attack.
But it was the collapsed lung and tumor
that really set her back.

The room grew deathly silent
except the sound of Wally trying to breath
but when the doctor smiled at the missus,
Wally was aghast and started to seethe.

“There’s nothin’ funny about dying!”
Wally shook his pounding head.
“What sort of doctor are you?
Haven’t you heard a word I’ve said?”

The doctor’s bedside manner
soon calmed Wally into lying still,
and from a bottle in her medicine bag
she brought forth an appropriate pill.

“Gawd struth! Is one pill all I get
for both me head and heart?”
The doctor nodded sagely
and said it was just the start.

“It will fix you head, you’ll see -
take the swelling from the brain.
Take one every four hours,
and you’ll be right as rain.”

“But what about me lung and heart?
A man can hardly breath.”
She nodded and dived again in her bag
a miracle to retrieve.

Now Wally we must work quick,
there’s not a minute to waste
so you must take this medicine -
even though it’s got an awful taste”.

Well, one swig and Wally caught his breathe,
it was the foulest taste he’d ever had.
The doctor told him to drink it all -
surely poison wouldn’t taste as bad.

“It contains ammonia,” the doctor explained
“to ease the tightness in the chest.
With such a serious condition Wally,
You have to have the best.

So every four hours for at least a week,
or until the pain has gone,
make sure you have at least 20 mils.”
With a smile she left Wally alone.

The doctor gave the missus a prescription
for more of the medicine for Wally’s flu.
The two women smiled at each other,
the words between them, very few.

Two  days later a miracle happened,
Wally said he never felt better.
“No doubt about these young doctors,
jeez, they’re bloody clever.”

The missus knew the aspirin
had fixed the headache that first day,
and that the awful tasting medicine
had, not surprisingly, kept the heart attack at bay.


So Wally bragged to his friends
how close he’d been to death’s door.
“The missus thought it was just the flu,” he said,
“but I knew it was much more.”

The missus only smiles and nods
and keeps that medicine handy.
When she occasionally offers Wally some,
he says, “Lord no, luv. I’m feelin’ fine and dandy.”