Living In Hope

My story happened in Sept. 2007.. the fourth to be exact. My son was 15 and always had to deal with asthma, so it wasn't out of the ordinary for us when he woke up in the middle of the night saying he was having an asthma attack. We did what we did all those other times since he was one years old. We took him to the emergency department, they would treat him and would go home.



This particular night was different however. They kept treating him and put him on oxygen and admitted him for the night. Two hours after he was on the pediatric floor he went into a complete panic. He was trying to tell us he couldn't breath anymore! He was rushed to Intensive Care, where they tried different things. His hear rate climbed to 167. They then started an I.V. and administered drugs to relax his lungs hoping he would calm down enough to allow oxygen into his blood. His blood gases should he was only breathing carbon monoxide. My son was fading in and out and very weak. My husband and I on either side of him holding his hands and telling him to focus on us. It wasn't long that he looked at us and whispered, "Mom, Dad, I love you both very much and you are the best parents anyone could have, but I am tired now and I think I am dying, I just want to go to sleep."



He drifted off into exhaustion and I lost my mind. I didn't have time to collect my thoughts about anything. They called a code and started his heart again. Then they put a tube down his throat to help him breathe and hooked him up to a machine.The doctor told us it would take 20 minutes before they knew if his body would except the tubing and the machine to breath for him. It was the longest twenty minutes of my life. Of course this machine was not working hard enough for my son so they brought in another larger machine and put him in an induced coma. They thought is they didn't his heart would stop again.



The doctor called us in and explained that there was nothing more he could do. It was in God's hands. He told us to call our family and make any arrangements necessary in case my son didn't come out of it. What do you say to that? As a mom I have always fixed everything from scrapped knees to homework to anything else a mom would fix. Not this time. I was a mom about to lose my only child. A child full of life and dreams, a great outlook on life. I went in to see him and cried so hard I thought my heart was breaking inside of me. I whispered to him, "Honey there is an angel on your shoulder above your heart and I know that angel will take you home to us or home to God.Don't be afraid to leave if you can't hold on.I love you and will be here waiting for your smile again."



Three days later they had to take him off of life support and pray his body would kick in and start breathing on his own. Another long wait of desperation filled my heart. He pulled through!! I was overjoyed and wanted to scoop into my arms. I couldn't of course but I did pass out right there. From the stress or relief, I am not sure. When I woke up I thought I dreaming and that he wasn't okay. He was put back into pediatric unit that day. He really didn't know what was going on. Thank goodness. However we were only there for three hours and it started again !! The panic in his eyes and sure terror kicked in. We screamed down the hallways for help and the nurses couldn't believe we were doing this again.



Back to Intensive care he went. They put him on a Bi pap machine hoping to force air into his lungs. It wasn't helping and they couldn't put him on life support again or his body would have just given up completely. This time they started him on IV again and gave all kinds of medication. His body was getting stiff and he was crying without the noise, just the tears from his face. They then mixed helium with oxygen, knowing that helium is thinner than oxygen and may help to reach his airway. This went on for three days. My husband and I didn't sleep one day. Eventually my son pulled through again but left with some damage that we thought would be forever. He had a reaction to the medication and was talking like a baby and acting like a five year old. I thought , "My god, I have to take him home like this." Another day of crying and heart ache.



Five days later my son just snapped out of it like it was nothing at all. He wanted pizza and coke and a video game. I laughed, cried and squeezed him so tight. We left the hospital a week later and he never spoke of it at all and didn't want to. I would cry myself to sleep for the next six months. He was tutored at home for a year and went back to school in Sept. 08. He was never the same after that ordeal. Nobody could tell me what was wrong. He was angry all the time. Acting out of character.I was heart broken, watching him suffer.



To this day we are coping. He has been in ICU twice since and now he is dealing with it all. Post traumatic stress syndrome. We live in hope everyday that he will recover and be able to put this behind him and have a happy healthy life. Nobody explained to us that PTS can take over down the road or that he should have had counseling after such an ordeal. You can't take one minute for granted. Life can toss some major curve balls and man if you don't catch the ball, you fall and fall hard.

Love your children and each other, living on hope is what we all must do.