Free

I finally stopped to catch my breath. Panting, I staggered toward the bench.

It was almost seven in the morning. If I were not in the Athletic Meet, I would have still been in bed instead of compromising my sleep. The sun had not fully risen and I was already soaked in sweat and warmed up for my event.

Warmed up, but not prepared.

Why the heck did she have to put me in this week’s meet? My coach’s overestimation of my abilities would soon be rewarded with disappointment. My run-up was fine, so was my takeoff, but my landing was definitely not.

I looked up towards the heavens, looking for an answer. The sky, with the coming of the sunrise, was a dark black with a hint of gray towards the east horizons. As my head declined, it was then I saw him. What caught my attention first were his eyes. I forgot everything as I gazed into his striking blue eyes, sharp and piercing. He came and sat next to me.

“Hey,” he said casually. “You’re an athlete too? I noticed you jumping. Here’s just a little suggestion. You have a good run-up and a strong takeoff. Very good, but if you could just stretch your legs when you land, you’d land much further.”

I stared sat him dumbfounded. Was he really speaking to me?

“Y-yes I know. I mean I didn’t know just know but now I know because…yeah thanks.”

His presence somehow lingered within me after he gave me a spellbinding smile and jogged away.

The dark blue sky soon became baby-blue with the coming of sunrise. The sun rose with a glorious conflagration of orange and gold as the moments passed. Within those moments, a newfound passion began to burn within me that was a warm and blissful passion even richer than the sunrise.

Focus! I mumbled to myself. I was in a sports meet!

                                                                                *

I ran, took off, and landed. I had taken Cal’s advice and made a perfect jump. I landed a distance of five point two meters. “Yes!” I heard my coach’s cry of joy.

When I headed towards my coach, she was beaming at me and grinned proudly. “That was a splendid jump!” She exclaimed. I felt a warm rush inside. I was intoxicated by my success, but did not forget Cal.

His searching eyes met mine and he soon appeared beside me. “That was a beautiful jump!” He congratulated, smiling. “Very beautiful,” he murmured dreamily as his blue eyes stared into mine.

That was how I met Cal. We soon met up to train together.

Cal. He was everywhere. I constantly thought of him; when I was running, jumping, talking, being chided, when I was taking tests. I even dreamed of him. And he was always there, encouraging me, driving me on. I always gave my best for every jump attempt. For Cal.

Most of all, I saw blue, the color of his eyes. The color of those eyes that teased me, that penetrated deep into my heart, and told me he loved me. He was masculine in every way, his body, his voice, his smile; but the expression of his blue eyes as he looked ay me was always so gentle, so heart melting. I saw the color blue when I read my textbooks, ate my meals, talked to coach. I saw blue even when I was on the scarlet track.

On my sixteenth birthday, he took me to the lake. The water was a breathtaking clear blue. We spent the afternoon gazing at the water under the azure sky, and then swam hand-in-hand among the rays of sunshine in the lake. Underwater, he pulled my body close to his without a warning. My hands caressed his bare muscular arms. The cool water made me cold but now I felt warmth radiate from within. Suddenly, I felt momentarily breathless. Perhaps it was because we were underwater. Or it was simply because he had pressed his lips against mine.

That’s cal. His ideas were always so novel and he was full of surprises.








He spent a summer by my side and filled my days with endless wonder. However, good days never last long. He was gone when autumn came; his family moved overseas. I spent the days watching the dying leaves fall and braced the harsh winter wind alone.

I simply couldn’t forget him.

I would never forget how we gazed at the sapphire evening sky together, with the hope of what the next day might have brought to us. With him gone, his presence was replaced by tears as I looked at the desolate blue heavens and prayed for his return. With him gone, the clear blue morning sky had become an empty heaven and only made my heart despair.

Though he was no longer beside me, the bluish tinge of his skin underwater would never be erased from my mind.

With him gone, my life became colorless. He left me nothing but an empty chamber within me. I had nothing to live for, nothing to fight against and no one to fight life’s challenges with. There were no longer any clear blue, piercing eyes to tease me, to cheer me up, to tell me I was loved. Yet I dreamed he would come to me, and we would live the years together. However, there are dreams that cannot be, and there are storms we would not weather.

Cal was a godsend. He was funny and warm. He was gentle yet protective. He never got too jealous. He was the first to make up after a tiff. The days when he was around were probably the best days of my life. He was all my pleasure, my hope and my song. I did my best for him, and him, me.

And then he was gone. Just like that. The days with him were so blissful I never expected parting. It just came without a warning.

Without him, the world around me changed. The skies were just empty havens. Trainings were meaningless. Laughter was mere cries. Smiles were just emotionless expressions. I no longer laughed. I no longer cried. Jumps? They meant nothing to me anymore. Three hours of training three times a week merely exhausted me emotionally and physically. Whatever coach told me, I would just forget it soon. If I had made any improvement sin my jumps, they were imperceptible. Without him, nothing else mattered. If I put effort into what I did, be-it homework or training, I would just feel tired. I no longer felt the satisfaction of success and effort. What was the point of effort if Cal was not by me to celebrate the triumph? I knew all along my underperformance but I was tired; too tired do those things which no longer gave me satisfaction for the effort I put in.

My heart still ached over Cal. And the tiredness I felt at the end of each day only tormented me further.

Why? Why had fate allowed me to meet him? Providence had arranged for the most blissful days of my life and then mercilessly took him away; away from me. Why did that happen to me? I was left with nothing except my worthless life! What did providence expect me to do with such a fate?

Without him, my pathetic world went on turning. A world that was full of fatigue and sorrow from living but empty of happiness.

When would it end? Could providence end that journey please? I had no idea how long more I could go on like that. Like a living corpse.







It was spring. I was taking a walk since midmorning alone.

The fragrance of spring pervaded the park. The larks sang. The thick fluffy clouds were bright, set against the clear, rich blue sky. It was spring and the flowers danced along to the wind's whistle while the leaves rustled in applause. There were sundry flowers, all in full bloom, in the prime of their beauty that nestled among the lush green leaves of the thick bushes. There were so many shades and hues of the colors I beheld. I saw crimson, sapphire, emerald, gold, pearl, mauve, violet, amber, reddish brown, dark purple and stark white. Yet everywhere I looked I still thought of bright blue, the color of his eyes.

I ambled along the lane, and suddenly I realized that my surroundings had become rather dim. I looked up. Dark, ominous clouds had gathered so quickly, and with it came the rain, which poured down heavily without a warning unsympathetically.

The fat globules dripped endlessly down my face. When would the rain stop?

I was nothing to shelter myself from the rain at all. I had not expected it for the sky seemed so clear that morning. I had no choice but to walk in the rain all the way home. It was a tiring journey walking in wet clothing that weighed you down but what else could I do?

Shivering, when I thought I could no longer take another step, my house came into view. Thank heavens! By the time I reached the doorstep, I was soaked to the skin. But the rain had finally stopped. That sky was no longer dark and gloomy but azure once again. Towards the east, a rainbow arched peacefully across heavens.








There was once a girl in her school’s jumps team. She could have been a better jumper but she faced a problem. She simply was not living. Yes, blood flew in her vein and her heart pumped; yes, there was a time when her life was worth living but she had become a living corps. She lived in an infernal realm where she was half dead, half alive; half asleep, half awake.

She had entered the school jumps team in her second year. She could jump, but somehow she performed better during practice instead of competitions to the fury and frustration of her coach. However, being a living dead, these failures did not motivate her as how it would to another individual. However, her coach was understanding and believed in her up till her fourth year though her performance remained infuriating.

One day, the captain of the jumps team spoke to her. She gave the girl a harsh reprimand, but necessary.

“For the second time, are you doing long or short run-up? Meg, I have been watching you for the past few months; I don’t know what happened to you but look at what you’ve become. I don’t see any effort in your jumps, you seem to be in a world of your own, you are barely improving and even your juniors jump better than you now! I don’t mean to be rude or mean but yes, your life is rather pathetic now don’t you think? You are simply wasting your time training if you go on like that. You will end up nowhere if this goes on. Whatever had happened to you, it’s time to wake up.”

“And if there’s anything obstructing you from waking up from this plight you’re in, it’s yourself,” she added acidly.

The girl contemplated those words, finally waking up and coming to her senses. Yet, heaven made a sport of her.

Upon waking from this nightmarish state of being half dead and half alive, she found herself in a quagmire. It was as if she had woken from a dream and found her self standing in a pile of filth. Only just after a few days following her awakening was she told the news. It seemed to be only the day before when her coach told her.

“Meg? Erm… M-miss Chan wants to see you. Yeah,” Victoria mumbled.

“On Wednesday I will be conducting a trial for you and Victoria for long jump.”

She thought all right… that would be interesting… Her coach seemed to have read her thoughts.

“The girl who would out jump the other will be in the Nationals, okay?”

No wonder. No wonder her intuition told her that Victoria had been told something related to her self when she walked past. No wonder she could not look her in the eyes. No wonder she felt a sense of foreboding when Vera called her to the coach. One could never mistrust intuition. It was scary how accurate intuition could get.

The girl finally saw the truth behind everything. Why on earth had Victoria started doing long jump? She never contemplated that. She at last realized that Victoria was up for replacing her as one of the three long jumpers. The school had had enough of her mediocre achievements and minimum improvements. They would wait no longer for the day when she would perform the long-awaited miracle.

She had finally come to her senses. She was ready to become to the athlete she once was. She was prepared for training. One again she wanted to improve, to do well, and to succeed. Yet she had only a few days to catch up with Victoria’s performance. How will she manage such a feat? Why did providence torment her so?

                                                                                    *

I walked onto the running lane. Victoria had already landed a great six meters, something I had never achieved. It was my turn.










I failed in my trials with Victoria and did not make it into the school team. It was my last year. I was sad; I actually felt an emotion. I cried; I actually cried. I sobbed my heart out but after that, my heart seemed lighter and I felt carefree, something I had not experienced for a very, very long time.

I was free. Free from the cage that kept me in an emotionless land. I was free to live again. To cry, to laugh, to do my best and feeling superb at the end of the day; to live and love my life again.

I still thought of Cal and a part of me would always be with him but I no longer felt any ache within me, nor tiredness. I felt reborn.

Trudy’s words were imprinted firmly in my mind.

One night, I had a strange dream. I was soaring above the land in the boundless heavens, past the tallest trees, through the valleys, and among the clouds. Most strange of all, I felt as if I were really flying; flying away from some godforsaken hellhole, towards the rising sun.