Man Marries Fish!

FRONT PAGE BREAKING NEWS:



MAN MARRIES FISH!



         In the town of What Cheer Iowa, a man by the name of Omar Albarweasel married a fish.  He taught the fish how to walk, talk, and use the restroom.  He had left his first wife, who was a human, because the fish was “more of a friend to me than my wife.”

         He started fishing when he was three years old.  Omar’s dad took him to spend some time with him and at first he didn’t like it.  He didn’t actually like fishing until a year ago when his dad won the lottery.

         He said, “How could my dad do that? Just go out and win the lottery? What a horrible thing to do!”  He figured he had to do something to get his mind off of it, so he took up fishing and it took his mind off it really good.

         He grew up all over the United States.  His parents never really liked to stay in one place for more than five minutes, but it was absurd to move every five minutes; so they moved every two years.  He’s lived in Why, Arizona, Half.com, Oregon, Butts Corner, New York, Fannie, Arkansas, Unalaska and Dead Horse, Alaska, Butts City, Idaho, and Bear Butte, South Dakota just to name a few.

         He met his former wife, Bonefa Latefa Sharefa Jackson, in Sweet Lips, Tennessee in 1996 while getting lost trying to get to the Grand Ole Opry.  They fell madly in love and were happily married a year later.  They had six kids altogether.  A boy named Yolanda and a girl named Jehoshaphat that were two years apart.  Then they were surprised by twins a year after Yolanda was born named Darquisha and Rentandre.  Then they adopted twins Leelee and Bonefa Number Two, just called Number Two for short.  The Albarweasel house was quite a household a few years ago.

         Shortly after his dad won the lottery, Omar decided to take up fishing.  He said, “The thrill of catching that fish that you’ve been waiting for all day just takes your mind off the things that went wrong in your life.  It’s exhilarating to wake up from that four hour nap because you feel that tug on your fishing pole.  Man!  Does it ever take your mind away from your worries!”

         On July 1, 2004, Omar caught the fish of his life.  He caught it and was going to put it back in the water when he got a glimpse of a little purple and red patch of scales on the fish.  “It was the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life!” He said.  After an hour the fish was still breathing.  It was the weirdest thing he’d seen before.

         He took it home to show his wife and kids.  He was sure by the time he got to his house the fish would be dead, but he was surely wrong.  Bonefa didn’t like that thought very much and told him to get it out of her house.  All the kids, except for Number Two and Yolanda, thought it was the “shizznay”.  He spent his days with that fish teaching it how to walk and talk and he spent his nights sleeping in a tent in the backyard with the fish.  After a week of it, Bonefa told him that it was either her or the fish.  Omar chose the fish, saying “I’m gonna miss her.”  He named the fish Jeanie Darcy.

         He married Jeanie Darcy on July 15, 2004.  After they were married he taught it how to use the restroom, because he was tired of finding wet spots all over his kitchen floor.  They enjoyed their honeymoon in Romance Missouri, where they secluded themselves in a two star hotel, because that was all they could afford.  His dad would not support him in this decision, and according to Omar, “I didn’t want my dad’s support for this wedding anyways.  Who wants to use that filthy money that he won from the lottery?  Stupid filth had to go and win the lottery; I can’t believe the nerve of some people!”

         A sad day came on July 29, 2004 when Jeanie Darcy died.  They were walking to the annual “Perfect Day” Parade.  They had gotten into a little bit of an argument before they left, so Omar was walking a little faster than Jeanie.  In order to get to town they had to walk across a bridge that goes over the Nishnabotna River.  Omar turned around and didn’t see Jeanie anywhere.  He walked back to the bridge and looked in the water, and there was Jeanie.  She had drowned in the Nishnabotna River.  His reply to her death when asked, “Well, fish scales are an ingredient in most lipsticks and I didn’t really like girls that wore lipstick, so it’s all good.  Just time to simma down nah.”