I'll See You Later

Through my first 34 years I have experienced my fair share of loss. The people closest to me seem to have disappeared while I was very young. I realize that everybody goes through these things. But for some reason many people tend to forget. I am no different there are times when I forget the times i had with these people. It takes me a minute to stop and think about them. I often wonder does it make the way I love them diminish at all? Does it taint my memories of them? I often wonder this. I am still not sure, they are not forgotten I know this.

I will share my thoughts and what I was taught about losing someone dear to you and the stories that came with them. I am sure as I write this the emotions will come up again, but that is okay. It will just prove to me that they still exist in my heart and soul.

When I was younger my mother told me that even as a person dies they come and visit us one last time. They come to our dreams and bring us to them and we spend that last moment together. We are not to go with them, some of them might try to do so, but we needed to turn and head back. And even as they do pass on they are never truly gone they move on to another realm that is full of spirits. This had a lot of effect on me, even to this day with my mind set on energies and the lives we live. I would like to share my experiences as much as I can remember them. Again they might be painful at moments, but I feel that it will be fine. The pain will subside with a tear or two or a thought.

I was very young when I went to my first funeral. I did not know her very well. She was a great aunt from Morson, Ontario. I do not remember much about her, but it had a lasting profound effect on me. The funeral was held at night, or maybe it was a viewing. Either way I remember her laying there as though she was sleeping. My mother looked at me and she seen the concern on my face. She leaned over and let me know that although she was gone from our existence we should not mourn her. We should remember her as she was while she was alive and know that she has moved on to a stronger and greater place. And we should not cry for her passing, for she had lived a long and good life. We needed to be strong for her, she had one journey left to encounter, and it was a tough journey and she needed our strength to help guide her. Although I did not know this woman in life I knew her in death and in doing so I was determined to be a pillar for which she could draw her strength upon. I held fast and unfazed by everything that happened that night.

Later on after the viewing, our family held a a feast. I had never seen so much food for so little people. The first two plates were made and set aside for the creator and for my great aunt and her journey. I remember thinking and asking my mom if a bear would come and eat them. She said one of many spirits might come and eat this food. the one will be as thanks for our creation and what the creator has given us. The second will be to help your aunt on her journey. Even back then this made sense. I can say I was tempted to sit and watch for what form this spirit would take to eat this food, but my mom warned me. They would not take kindly for the intrusion and might just take me with them on my aunts journey. That was enough for me to sit down and wait for the others to finish dishing up for the elders. It was then time for the children to dish up their food.

My sister and I were the only kids to attend with our mom and I noticed a general lack of any young children. I asked my mom why this was. She explained that, most children cannot come because the spirit of my aunt might want to take someone with and children were even more susceptible to being taken with. They lacked the knowledge or understanding to keep put when the path set out in front of us is set by the deceased. I asked her why she brought me. She told me that I had a good understanding that this is where I belong and I was strong enough to help my aunt and not go with her. I asked how she knew this and she just told me, "A mother knows."

Now this is the only thing that confused me, how did she know? this question could only be answered after I had children of my own and you can sense things about your children that most cannot even speculate upon. Soon there after as things were winding down a man walked and was talking to my mother. I could not understand anything. I later learned they were speaking Ojibwe and that man was a medicine man. He was coming to my grand parents place to "bless" the house so any bad spirits would stay away. I do not remember much after that or even if I had dreamed that night. I assume I fell asleep not long after eating and walking through the door of the house.

The next morning my mother seemed well rested and my sister had a look of concern on her face. My sister told my mother that she had a dream of our aunt and she woke up on the floor in the morning not remembering how she came to be there. My mom told her that while she was sleeping she was probably tempted to go with her aunt. My mom had a look of concern after speaking to my sister. She was about 15 at the time and had never been to a funeral before. So my mom took her aside and talked to her, I was too far away to hear anything. But I could see the expression on my sisters face go from concern to happiness. I assume that my mother told her while she was tempted, she held strong and stayed here with us. It was with this I think my sister became happy. With that done we spent another couple of days with our family in Canada. I really do not remember much more. It was the journey that sent my aunt to the spirit world that was on my mind at that time. That and my mother instilling in me a confidence that lasts to this day, but after a few of years, this would be tested very thoroughly with losses of some very close people to me.

In the winter of '85 and '86, as problems with in our family mounting. Foster home, drinking, prison, and what not were hitting us hard. Those are stories for another time. We were about to experience a series of deaths that would forever change our families lives and my outlook on life.

The first happened in early December, our aunt, my mothers sister, was murdered in Ontario. Now with all the problems and us being away from her. It was tough, we could not be there for each other as we had in the past. My mother turned even more towards the bottle. I was not sure what to do. The only thing I could do was look upon what I had learned from my mother.

We were in a foster home at the time and we were unable to go make it up to Canada for the gathering with other family members. It was up to them, but my uncle decided to give us a call and asked me to do one thing. He asked me to leave two plates out that night before we at dinner. He said while they were doing the same it would help her. He also told me to be strong for my aunt and my older brother and younger sister. He was told by my mother a few years earlier how I handled myself with my great aunts passing. He thought I was the best choice for getting the family with me through this. I was 9 years old and thought at the time this was a lot of responsibility for me. I went ahead and brought my two siblings aside and told them what I remembered about our great aunts passing. I am not sure they understood or if they thought me full of b.s. or not. But I told the stories as best I could.

It was enough for my sister to start asking questions and I answered them as well as I could. My brother who had shut himself off from practically everybody by this time said nothing and went back into his room. I think it helped my sister for me talking to her though. She was was wearing a smile after I talked to her. I know I did add a few things that were not told to me to make her feel better. That night again I do not remember if I dreamed, those are to come though, my sister did though.

She told me she seen our aunt sitting playing with toys on the floor. She told me sister to come sit down and talk. Now my sister did not tell me what had been said, but she did tell me that after everything was said our aunt gave her a big hug then walked off. When my sister turned around she woke up. She said she remembered the feeling she had after the dream. She said it felt as though her head was floating and she had a warm feeling within her. I can say this as bad as a death is it brought us two closer then we had ever been. It gave us some strength for what was coming up.

About a week later we were sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner and the phone rang. It was a guard with the Stillwater prison, where my dad was staying, after a minute or two my dad gets on the phone and starts talking to Lee(our foster mother) and explains to her that he has cancer. She looked at us kids and started to cry. She knew that this news was going to be very devastating. We had no idea who was on the phone we just witnessed her crying, George(our foster dad) asked her what was wrong she shushed him and gave a head nod towards us. I am not sure if my brother or sister caught this, but I did and worry welled up inside of me. Something that made Lee cry and it was about us, was potentially earth shattering.

After a few minutes Lee handed my brother the phone. I did not hear what was being said, but again as with Lee he looked over at my sister and I and he started to cry. Oh no, I started to squirm a bit in my chair. If I knew one thing for sure it was that I had never ever in my life seen my brother cry. So this worried me even more. With my stomach in knots, my brother held up the phone and told my sister to take the phone. She went to the phone already crying, because of the fact she had never seen our brother cry either. She took the phone with tears rolling down her cheek and past her chin coming to rest on the white blouse she had been wearing that day. After a minute or so I heard her say good bye and she loved our dad very much. She turned and was about to motion for me to take the phone, but she did not seem to have the strength to hold it any more and it dropped to the floor. With that she ran off towards her bedroom and my brother took his place at the table still crying. I stood up and walked towards the phone.

As I bend down to pick up the phone I notice a tear on my cheek I did not even notice I was crying, but I could feel my stomach in knots and my heart tied up with it. Tears became so thick I could see nothing but them in front of me. I raised the phone to my ear and very weakly say, "hello." After a second my dad who was audibly shaken and crying. I had only seen him cry once and that is when we went to visit him at the prison. I remember that very well, because I still did not understand why a person I loved so much had to be taken away from me. Another story for another time.

I just listen to him and he explains that he has cancer and that he might not live. I was expecting bad, but this was so horrible I dropped to my knee and started to cry even harder. I am not sure how or where all these tears we coming from. By this time a puddle had formed at my feet from the amount of tears I spilled. I am not sure how long I was sitting on my knees, but by the time I was able to stand again my sock was soaked in my tears. My dad had asked me to give him a minute and that he had to tell me something very important. Something I had to do for my brother and sister and for myself. My father was not a very spiritual person, but he heard about our aunt only weeks earlier and knew that these two things might break one of us. He told me I had to be strong for my brother and sister and for myself. I was still unable to talk and only nodded to his words. In a stern voice he asked, "Do you understand." I was able to in breaking and hardly audible voice say, "Yes." I told him I would see him later and that I loved him so dearly. Then handed the phone back to Lee. Then turned to Pat and waved him over, but he could only sit there not moving. I walked out of the kitchen past the living room and towards the hallway leading to my sisters bedroom all the while being very careful where I walk the tears were still pouring out of my eyes and it was hard to see anything.

As I came to her closed door I listen and I can hear her asking herself, "Why, why her?" She was 7 years old and had experienced almost as much as I have, but her innocence was even more so then mine. I was 9, but I was a very experienced 9 and with that I composed myself and dried the tears from my face as best I could, for they were still coming out. I decide I need to go in there if nothing else so I can hold onto something I care for as much as anything else in this world. I walk over to her and could not even bring myself to say anything. I could only grab her and start crying again. We sat there getting her beed all wet with our tears or a good hour.

When finally I was able to stop I took her hand and looked at her and as genuine as possible told her that everything will be alright. We still had each other and as small as our family had been reduced to in this house. We were still a strong family. And we needed to be strong for each other. We can still cry there is no weakness in emotion or tears shed because of them. I give her one last hug before I head out the door. When I make it to the door to my room I notice Lee sitting there by herself waiting for me to come over. I could not do this and off to my room I went. As experienced as I was, I was just as nieve. I could not bring myself to go over there, because I still felt betrayed by the world and the adults in it. She being an adult I turned my back.

I sat in my room or a long time just remembering a lot of things from my childhood and the memories I had of my dad. All the memories that hold a smile on my face and even the times where I was sad. Through all of that thought I still could not wrap myself around the fact that he would eventually be gone. My mind could not, but my spirit could and I fell asleep crying. My thoughts of him brought dreams of him and the things we experienced. I woke up the next morning, pillow case stained with dry tears. I knew it was time to get moving again. There was not much I could do but go back to school and on with my life, but never forgetting who I was and where I came from.

Now it was tough getting through it all, but we did and we were going strong up until about a month later when again the phone rang. We were expecting to hear from our father, but this time it was a call from Canada. I answered thinking it was our dad, but on the other end was yet again my uncle. He said that I should sit down and talk to him a for a little while. I turn and flip the chair out from under the table. I hope up on it and listen to him. He tells me a story about when he was younger. He goes into how their family was as fractured as ours was now. He told me about how they were forced into boarding schools and while there their grandparents had passed on. By this time I had started to cry, because I could sense what was coming. I was not really in the mood for anymore stories, and asked him to tell me what happened. After a short pause and a deep breath. He tells me our grandmother had just passed away.

Now she had been sick for a long time with liver cancer. We had not heard about this. He explained that they had not told us, because of everything we were experiencing. It was a shock for sure and yet something else that tested our resolve. It did not matter I again started to cry so very hard, this time though it was as though the world stopped moving and all that was in it was me sitting there with my head down and tears pouring from my eyes. It was as though this barren world decided to sit right on my chest. It was hard to breath and things around me started to go black. It was though something was pulling me away from the things I loved most.

It was right then and there that something inside of me came to life again. My mom's words from years ago hit right square in the chest and broke away what ever weight was there. Everything she had told me while we were at my great aunts passing, was going to help me through this. The sadness was still there that was hard to shake, but the tears we not. I remembered what my uncle told me before. I asked him what he wanted me to do. He just asked me to stay strong for my brother and sister again. The next night before everyone else dishes up for dinner to set aside two plates and put them outside for the creator and grandma. I said I would do this and I would be there for my brother if he wanted it and our sister and after all she had been through was starting to wear on her.

Before all this pain had happened within just over a month. She was still a happy girl and was the only one of us that came into this foster home and felt she was a part of something. She would give them both hugs and kisses before bed and tell them she loved them. She would help Lee out with everything she did. Lee was even teaching her how to paint and my sister loved this. But soon after the news of our dad had come to us, she seemed to have lost that spark that gave her so much energy.

She would get up in the morning and just seemed like she was not all there. Like when she heard the news a piece of her had fractured and had become lost. It was tough to see her like this, but she did not want to talk about anything and would rarely let anyone in now. The only time she would laugh or smile was the rare time our mom or dad would call. I did not know how much she could handle.

We were not going to go to the gathering again it was just not within our reach. My sister had not seen me break down like I did she was in her room. My brother the same, and with him I knew just what he would do. He would become even more shutoff from everyone. With the days closing in on our father I knew what was going to happen. We would cease bing a family and just become shut in within ourselves. I was able to share with most anyone, in our family or persons I trusted, that would listen. That is just who I was and my sister would open up to anyone, well up until a month ago. I was so fearful at seeing where this event and the upcoming one with our father would take us.

I was assured that our little family would make it out of this by my uncle. I believed not just in his words, but what was inside of myself. I knew that eventually we would be a family once again. I was just worried how long that would take. After all was said and done my worry and sadness still there I gave the phone to Lee and explained that it was my uncle.

They talked for quite a long time. Then Lee called for my brother, when she did that I retreated to my room. I knew what was going to happen. I did not want to see it with either my brother or my sister. I could hear one door slam I jumped a bit and knew my brother had been told. I held back the tears. I thought about what this was going to do to my sister. Still held back the tears. A few moments later I heard my sisters door slam. It had been done. The small family that we once had in this house became broken and folded in on itself for now. I cried myself to sleep again that night, but this was different.

I did dream of my grandma that night. She waved me over and I went to her and hugged and kissed her. She did not say anything but started to walk. Now I know what my mom had told me, but she was not there to take me, she was there to help me. We just walked not saying a word. She looked at me and I her, the look in her eyes were so caring and thoughtful, I could see her message within them. My grandson, as she called me when I was able to see her, be strong for those around you and keep an open ear and an open mind. With that she told me to run home now without a word spoken. I woke up and sat there for a few minutes and it was that when I knew that everything was going to be alright in our family.

A few months later in April our father passed away. And as expected our family was again pushed further from each other. But I did not cry for that, I cried remembering and celebrating who my father was and the few things he was able to pass on to me. My fathers funeral was the last one I would attend. I never say goodbye, it is alway I will see you later. The people that I have been close to have after my grandma, have visited me in my dreams and filled me with hope and happiness and most of all strength to go on.

I have lost hope at times and lost my way, but in the end my family is no longer broken and all the pieces seemed to have been lifted back into place and we have nothing but the future to look forward to.


Cameron Ellis Ostrander


For,
My older sister Eileen, who was taken from us much too early
My cousin Chris who disappeared from sight with the words "I will see you again brother."
Amy for your strength in keeping your family together and in doing so becoming a part of ours
Peg you truly were a great woman and taught me a lot in the short time I knew you
and to all my family that I have lost over the years, this is in the memory of all those that came before me.

A very special thanks to you Patti.
Your strength, inspiration, guidance, and most of all friendship helped me to write this out. I thank you and hope you do not change. you truly are a great and wonderful woman.
-Cam