Where Are You Going?

"Just where the hell are you going?"

You have always been like that. Without a word you're gone. I really got accustomed to seeing your back, walking away. I'm almost getting used to waking up in the middle of the night without you by my side, your pillow, the one I’m embracing instead of you; your scent and warmth, the only comfort that I can reach.

"Just where the hell are you going?"

All the anger and hurt that I felt during your time away will be washed away with just a simple kiss, a single touch, and my defense breaks. You have that much power over me. You have that MUCH power to hurt me.

"Just where the hell are you going?"

Surprisingly, I didn't cry even once every time you go away. Maybe I have always known you'll be back. Subconsciously, maybe I was thinking that you have something very important to do, a world to save, a point to make that is why it's easy for me to accept that you're suddenly gone. And that maybe tomorrow you'll be back.

"Just where the hell are you going?"

Once, I finally got the courage to ask you this. You smiled then closed your eyes and didn't answer. I wondered at that time if I'll even get an answer from you. I wondered if you really trusted me enough.

"Just where the hell are you going?"

The day after the night I asked you this, I found myself alone in your bed, again. That time, the usual sense of loss overcame me, followed by some tears for the first time. I felt that, at that time, you were really gone. No more coming back. An end. I cried and cried until my throat hurt a lot. I wanted to scream, shout at you, I wanted to hurt you, make you bleed, forever running away from me. I wanted to make you feel how hurt I was every time you go. I know it's useless, but I have to cry, for the sake of me finally able to cry....

"Just where the hell are you going?"

Five years isn't it? I can finally smile. I was right. You never returned after that day. But then, I never stopped hoping that one day, I'll see you walking towards me again. I lived for five years without you, but before that, I lived with you my whole life first. We met accidentally during prep school, and since then I have always looked up to you and you have always tolerated my relying on you. So please don't blame me for never doing a good job at surviving without you. After all those, it really was hard to face forward and keep moving.

Just where the hell you're going, I would never know. You have always been so quiet in your own world that I was never able to join you there. Maybe it's my fault for not forcing my way in, or maybe it's yours for building such a strong wall that no one can break. You have always been restless, always wanting something, that is why I was never able to keep up and run with you. I was not even able to stop you. So now, that finally, I am facing you again, I swear, with all the tears that I wasted before, I am not letting you go. If I have to follow you, run with you, I will. If I have to smash your defense into bits, I will do so with my heart as the hammer. I am not letting you win this time. I will hold those hands tight and seal it with all that I have. I swear  I am not letting you go.

Obsession? Maybe.

All I know this time is that I want to ask you another question. There are a lot of things that I want to ask you, but the most important question is really hard to let out.

"Will you marry me?" - When I ask you this, it doesn't mean to be today, now. I just need to hear you answer yes, and I'll be fine. I want to be sure that tomorrow, the next day, and next month or next year, you will still be with me. I just want to know that this time, it's for real... and that I'll have you for keeps...