Afraid

So what if I’m afraid of the world?
I’m different. You said it yourself.
Maybe I just can’t face it. I was bred for a gentler place.
Call me weak. Call me stupid. Call me emo.
Maybe I am those things.
The one thing that I am not is yielding.
I refuse to give up my mind to a ravaging world.
They won’t appreciate it anyways.
I refuse to let my life be lived for me by the rest of the world.
They’ve screwed up enough.
From war-torn highways to the vents of the cauldera,
Between the frigid north and the scouring winds,
Somewhere in this heartless, wordless world, I must find a home?
I think not. Such a laughable concept
Of me choosing to stay when I can always go!
Once my life is done and what’s needed of me is finished,
You can look for me Somewhere Else,
But I will not be here.
I will not listen to the gunshots on T.V.
I will not hear the cries of Haiti.
I do not leave you alone with it all,
I will be with you, I just will not take part.
Look for me Elsewhere, I promise I’ll be There:
Where Life and Death and I can meet and we can share
The stories of our past eternities
Cause I may be gone from here, but they will not be.

This world will need to do more to win me.
They can take everything away
Like they have already.
I’m losing everything I have,
But I will not lose my mind.
I refuse to lose my mind any longer.
I refuse to give in to fear and loathing.
This is my mind, and it is mine.
You don’t see it all. No one sees it all.
You didn’t live my life through my broken eyes.
You didn’t see your family rot and fall away.
You didn’t see your brother leave one day.
Your mother didn’t leave you for a drink.
You didn’t see the needles in the sink.
You may have seen my life, but you never lived it.
You watched it through your eyes,
But you were blind.

If I did not open up, it was not because I didn’t love you.
I do love myself, so don’t think otherwise.
I am simply tired of wasting time
Doing what I “need” to do and not what I need to do.
There’s things inside me dying to be seen.
People see me and see a good girl.
They see someone who wants to succeed.
They don’t see my real ambitions.
They don’t see my fate, my dreams.
They don’t see the screaming child inside, longing for a home.
They don’t see the careworn mother inside,
Bent and broken, leaning on a breaking cane,
Hoping someday the world will change.
They don’t see the sister,
Weeping for her brothers who can never understand.
They don’t see me searching for the sister I had but lost.
They don’t see me crying out in pain.
They don’t see the dawning of my days.
They don’t see the tears that fall.
I’m careful and I catch them all.
But I believe that somewhere out there,
There is a reason for me.
I believe that there can be
A destiny.

So what if I’m afraid of the world?
I will not live in it forever, I can promise that
So I’ll do what must be done, and that is that
And I will not complain, I just won’t stay
Cause somewhere else there is a destiny
For me, and you, and everybody who
Believes that there’s a reason and a rhyme,
Not necessarily a Sacrifice.
For somewhere else there is a destiny
For him and her, for you, and one for me.
But who can say that there’s a reason why?
A reason why the sky is blue.
A reason I was made for you.
A reason everyone has gone,
Their own small lives to carry on.
A reason things can make us cry.
A reason there’s a reason why.
A reason “reason” doesn’t hold
Me down as I have gotten old.
You are left and I am right:
Not wrong, just in a different light.
A reason life can carry on
When all the world is facing dawn
With long-faced sighs and heavy brows
And questions about “Why” or “How”
So somewhere else there is a destiny
For him and her, for you, and one for me.
But reasons why cannot be all we see
But wherefore, how, and what has come to be.

Perhaps the world itself has a destiny.

However…

I’m not made for this world.
I’m bred for a gentler place.
A different world, a change of pace.
With no more war, or climate change.
More sunrise and less staying up late.
Maybe children shouldn’t be afraid.
Maybe we will outlive the ten plagues.
Maybe we can cross the sea one day.
Maybe you will see when I escape.
Because, now, I refuse to be afraid.