"An Evening With Bigfoot"

An Evening with Bigfoot          



It was a heavy knock that startled Tim out of his easy chair. He wasn’t expecting anyone and frankly he was offended at this intrusion. He never expected any visitors, ever.

         “Just a minute,” he shouted impatiently. Tim resurrected himself from the easy chair and brushed the potato chip crumbs from his shirt. On his way to the door he stepped on an empty beer can he had tossed into the living room floor. It was painful and he mentally cursed himself for being such a filthy goblin of a man.

         There was another knock: Thud, Thud, Thud.

         “Just a second damn it,” Tim shouted this time. The person on the other side of the door didn’t respond. He was never nice to these kids selling candy bars just so they could go on a vacation to Washington D.C. He was sure that was the situation.

         He opened the door without using the peep hole—big mistake. His mind rumbled with terror. The beast looked to be smiling, but Tim would only think of that later. The visitor’s long coat of hair was raggedy and his head stretched above the top of the doorway. The shoulders were also quite wide. All Tim could think was that these monsters were supposed to smell really bad, that was the warning sign. But he smelled nothing at first.

It was a full minute before either of them said anything. Tim was petrified with fear and the beast seemed to enjoy the quiet. “This is strange for both of us, believe me,” the beast said. The voice was deep, as if his whole body was engaged in the act.

         “No worries friend,” Tim croaked. He surprised himself by being able to talk. People were supposed to pass out or vomit in these situations. “I’m just happy you haven’t ransacked my house yet.”

         The beast let out a thunderous laugh. “Oh, I understand. In this day and age my kind doesn’t exactly fit in.” Tim noticed the beast was speaking in a thick southern accent. He sounded like a country singer straight out of Nashville. Tim wouldn’t have expected the Queen’s English, but this was a little much.

         “Yeah, I bet it’s hard getting out anywhere being…well not exactly of the human race.” Tim’s words weren’t coming easy. But surely the beast understood this wasn’t a normal conversation. “Why did you stop here? My next door neighbors have a pool and a trampoline.” It was as if Tim was inviting him to head next door.

         “You have a house on the edge of a tree line my friend, and behind that some mountains. I halfway thought you might have gotten a visit from one of us before, considering the favorable terrain.” The beast pointed out towards the mountains in the background of Tim’s house. Tim took a whiff, trying to detect the odor these creatures supposedly had. He detected a peppery smell, but it was faint.

         “I guess I’m asking for uninvited guests then,” Tim decided to agree.  “Next I should expect aliens in the middle of the night.” He supposed the thick tree line against the house did make it convenient for unexpected visitors to approach.

         The beast gave a look that said: don’t even joke about them. “I’ve been hanging out in the area and thought you might like some company.”

         “I guess I must look lonely. The family next door invites me to their barbecues every once in the while.” Tim knew how pathetic his life must look to an outside observer. He gestured for the beast to walk all the way in. They then sat at the dining room table, without either of them suggesting it. 

         “Do you mean the Carter’s or the Taylor’s?” The friendly beast asked. He pointed at the house next door, the Carter’s, then across the street to the Taylor’s.

         “How do you know the neighbor’s names?” Tim knew he should not have been surprised, shouldn’t be surprised about anything ever again in his life.

         “I go through the mail at night, when it hasn’t been collected,” the beast gave a guilty look that was magnified by his gigantic face.

The beast and Tim burst out laughing simultaneously. Tim loved being able to laugh so freely with a creature that could tear his legs off in ten seconds flat. He wondered how long he had been watched by this beast. Hopefully, Tim hadn’t done anything embarrassing while being watched. 

         “Yeah, I guess they’re worried about the wrong things,” Tim said. He was slightly uncomfortable, but the beast’s slow and awkward movements made it hard for him to feel threatened. The Southern accent gave him a very human quality, making the encounter seem more normal. 

         “The mail is interesting,” The beast continues. “My kind has to do what it can to stay occupied. It’s not like we can jump in a Hummer and go to the movies whenever we like. We live through humans these days.”

         Tim tried to think of something flattering to say, “You guys used to be top dogs on planet earth I guess?”

         “Yes, Tim that’s one way to say it,” the beast said seriously. “Tim I need to ask you something.” The beast’s smile flattened. Tim’s heart skipped a beat. “May I use your restroom? It’s horribly cold on your rump going outside in the breeze. I could give you details but…”

         Tim shook his head as if to say it wasn’t necessary. He wondered what other hardships these polite creatures were forced to endure in the wild.

The beast disappeared into the bathroom (he knew exactly where it was), ducking in the archway and closing the door behind him. He then turned the fan on. A variety of grunts and mumbled words in a language Tim didn’t understand came from his bathroom. This lasted for maybe three minutes. Tim heard the water running from the sink and then the beast emerged with a smile.

“I Love human comforts,” the beast commented. “There was a time when my people desired to advance, build indoor bathrooms and such.”

Tim guessed that these creatures had probably once dominated earth, but for whatever reason they fell behind in technology and their population dropped. Every extinct creature on earth had that story to tell. 

“It’s as if you’ve become a race of spies,” Tim said, trying to make a clever observation.

The beast nodded his head yes and sat back down at the table. “True, but the pay is really bad. You folks have it good. I could tell you about times on this planet when there were a thousand different birds large enough to come swooping down from the sky and eat mammals like us.”

“I’m glad I missed all that. I don’t even like the minor inconvenience of that little white bird poop on my windshield in the morning before work.” Tim pointed towards the driveway as if to remind the beast where the vehicles were parked. Tim owned a Jeep and a Toyota hybrid.

“Try having it all over your face in the morning if you were unlucky enough not to find a cave for the night.” The beast made a motion as if he was wiping his face.

Tim didn’t know how this encounter would turn out, but he felt like after tonight he would have less room to complain about anything ever again. “So why visit me now?” he asked, uncertain the question is friendly enough. When a creature this big is sitting across from you at the dinner table, it is wise to keep the highest standard of manners. 

“I would like a nice home cooked meal,” the beast responds enthusiastically. He was like a neighbor’s child stopping by to ask the usual simple favor. “I can repay the kindness with information. It’s not in my blood to ask for a handout, but you must understand how hard it is to get proper cooking utensils out there.” The beast’s yellow eyes had a sudden sadness as he turned to stare out the window. Tim got up and pulled the curtains closed, just in case hunters lurked in the distance.   

“Information?” Tim asks, intrigued.

“Rather serious info I’m afraid,” the beast’s voice lost some its character, slipping into a monotone. Tim liked the beast as a cartoon-like character. 

“Please, I’m a grown man. Just say what you have to say.” Tim didn’t really want to hear the news, but he knew the sooner he had it the faster he could mentally digest it.

“People have been watching your house, and I’ve been watching them. I don’t know who they are. They’ve been here three times as far as I know, always just sitting at the end of the block with their binoculars. I wouldn’t need to be a Sasquatch to spot them. Believe me; these guys haven’t been to the CIA academy.  I just mention it because you seem like a nice fellow, and because I would like a pleasant meal—a meal that I haven’t had to chase up a tree or set a trap for.”

Tim, as expected, was at a loss for words. He had never seen anyone suspicious in the neighborhood. There was the occasional egging of a vehicle now and then, likely by the kids living in the area and looking for a cheap thrill after raiding mommy’s medicine cabinet. Tim vowed to be more vigilant

“I would like to fix you that meal my friend. You’re lucky tonight. I have some very juicy looking steaks in the refrigerator. I could season them up; maybe bake some potatoes in the oven. How does that sound?”

“It would keep me from eating you Tim.”

Tim gave him a look that said don’t be serious. The beast returned it with a smile. “I can’t fool you Tim. I guess you figured out if I was that hungry I would have gobbled you up by now.

“That’s the logical thing. After we eat I would like to hear more about these men that watch my house. I might even like to enter some sort of partnership with you. If you could watch the house I could cook for you, let you watch TV, that sort of thing.”

“We might be able to work something out Tim. I don’t have any travel plans. I’ve lived in the mountains around here for almost eighty years actually.”

“I don’t even know what to call you.” Tim was embarrassed he hadn’t asked before. This kind creature was going to look after his home and he didn’t even know his name.

“Those of you I know call me Hector.  I go by other names among my people, names you would twist your tongue trying to pronounce.” The Beast sat up in his chair, making a creaking sound as he did so. Tim hoped the chair would hold. He knew Hector might be angry if he fell through it.

*

Hector enjoyed his human, home-cooked dinner immensely. Tim could tell by the satisfied smile on his new friend’s face, and by the moans he let out with every bite. It pleased Tim that he could make this fellow member of planet earth happy.

         “Tim I have to say that was one hell of a meal, and very filling. I won’t be chasing any terrified deer through the woods tonight. So consider your humanitarian efforts satisfied for the day.”

         This pleased Tim a great deal. He rarely played the part of host and when he did the guests were always human. Despite having no time to plan he had pulled this dinner together and his furry friend enjoyed it. “I’m sorry I don’t have anything for dessert Hector. I haven’t made it the grocers all week.”

         “I know you’ve been busy Tim. That pharmacy you run must be quite a handful to deal with, with everyone taking as many pills as they do these days.” Hector gave a disappointing look and stared down at the table. Tim wondered if Hector’s species might have better ways to cure ailments.

         “My life is pretty boring Hector. I would like to hear more about what it’s like to be one of you though.” Tim secretly wanted to know how Hector’s kind eluded humans all these years.

         Hector stood and motioned for Tim to join him in the living room. Tim thought if he had any manners he would have suggested it in the first place. These uncomfortable dining room chairs were probably similar to something Hector had to endure out in the wild.

         “Believe me—I’m fully aware of human detection equipment. I’ve stolen many issues of Popular Mechanics out of many mailboxes. We have to keep up on technology to stay one step ahead of the game, otherwise we would be caught.”

         It struck Tim that he had in fact been missing magazines and pieces of mail in the past. He wanted to ask Hector about it, but thought it unimportant. He felt bad calling the post office and giving them “the business” as it were. He couldn’t very well call back and tell them Bigfoot lived in the woods behind his house, and that he and his friends were the ones to blame for delivery problems.

         “That seems like a tough life—staying one step of the human game I mean.” Tim looked at his computer tempted to offer Hector a ride on the internet. Perhaps Hector’s species had a network on the internet, the same way spies and terrorists do.

         “It was never in our plans to roam about the earth as your people do. We’ve had to hide to survive actually. Those dinosaurs were quite a menacing bunch, and fast runners from what I understand. It was well before my time thankfully.”

         “Yeah, all we have to worry about is the occasional shark attack. Times have certainly changed on our planet.”Tim thought if he and Hector were of the same species they might be best of friends. If these creatures were all this friendly, then maybe mankind would take special pains to preserve them. Look at how good the dolphins had it.   

         Hector directed his attention towards the lifeless flat-screen TV mounted on Tim’s wall. He got up and walked over, the wooden floor creaking below his feet. Tim was more confident about the floor than the dining room chair. He guessed the beast’s weight at well over four-hundred pounds, though it could have easily been over five. “They’ve gotten so small, like everything else I guess,” Hector said reminiscently, rubbing the screen with his human-like hands.

         “How many like you do we have around here?” Tim asked, hoping he wasn’t being too nosy. He wanted to be Hector’s special human friend and not offend him in the process. Hector directed his attention from the television, obviously interested in the question.

         “I would guess a hundred in these mountains. I don’t know for sure; we don’t have a census or anything.” Hector stepped away from the TV.

         “We can watch whatever you want,” Tim offered. “I have over five-hundred channels, including the dirty ones. I can’t imagine you would be into that sort of thing. But I’m not the type to judge a fellow.”

         “We could watch Monsterquest,” Hector suggested.

         “You like that show?” Tim asked, surprised.

         “Me and my friends broke into a timeshare and watched it one night—lots of laughs.”

         There was a distant howling coming from the mountains. “Is that a friend of yours?” Tim asked. Hector went to the kitchen window and peered out. He stood motionless for a minute.

This was the most significant thing that had ever happen to Tim and he couldn’t tell anyone. Telling would mean betraying Hector and his kind. Not that anyone would believe his story. Tim, like most, dismissed Bigfoot sightings. He had previously believed sightings to be the result of severe alcohol and drug usage by hunters that had simply mistaken a bear for something more exotic. Tim wanted to tell these people that not only were they right, but that these marvelous creatures could speak English and enjoyed watching television.

         “No one I know,” Hector didn’t sound so sure.

         “I guess I shouldn’t assume you know every furry little bastard crawling around out there. I’m sorry Hector.” It wasn’t like there was a book on Sasquatch etiquette Tim could buy. He had to feel his way through this. It was more awkward than meeting random girls at clubs by a long shot, not that he had ever been big on that.

“Tim I appreciate your hospitality. You wouldn’t believe some of the less friendly reaction I’ve gotten over the years. I’ve probably been assaulted with every weapon in the human arsenal. I will tell you bullets don’t hurt near as much as swords. I’m glad those days are over. With those words of wisdom I must leave you.

There was so much Tim wouldn’t to ask Hector; but like most situations in life it was hard to rise to the moment when needed. He supposed preparing a meal and having a decent conversation with his new friend could be counted as something.

Tim waved at his giant friend as he sprinted through the back lawn and hurdled over his privacy fence. He hoped to have many more polite evenings with his new companion.

*

When Hector got deep enough into the woods he picked up Lila’s scent. It was strong and he loved it. Her shadow closed in behind him and he turned, smiling with good news to tell.

         “Are we in or what?” She asked. Her fluffy face looked spectacular illuminated by the town’s light.

         “He’s agreed to cook for me. I haven’t mentioned you yet. You know these smaller creatures are a bit skittish. Let him get used to the idea man isn’t really top dog on planet earth. I should be able to introduce you in a few weeks. You’ll like him. He cooks one hell of a steak.”



END