"When Love Changes Shapes"

“When Love Changes Shapes”

It’s been almost a year since they’ve made love. Peter pressed his head against the window and calmly stared down the road. His wife was a nurse at the local hospital and was working insane shifts. He knew she would be home earlier today so he started to run the bath water, poured her a glass of wine and dropped a xanax in it. Usually he wouldn’t go about it this way but he needed to touch her and feel her just once in a while, no matter what the stakes were. Twenty years of marriage equal too many years of misery. Peter had always wondered what his married friends were talking about. They’d always say, “Man I don’t get laid anymore” and “ I practically have to cheat to get any.” But he’d never once thought of cheating. He loved his wife and he knew that she loved him but the hours apart had finally begun to take their tole. Every time he drove to work he’d catch himself staring at some beautiful woman and he’d force his head to turn straight and keep driving. These weren’t things that he liked to do. He loved the fact that he was loyal to his wife and didn’t want anyone else but her. But now things were changing.

Peter heard the car door shut and turned off the bath water. Sat down in the dining room and prepared for her entry. He could hear her talking on the phone and hoped from the bottom of his heart that she didn’t have to go back to work. Mechanically he picked up the paper just as he always did and laid back in his chair. Good evening beautiful, he said as she opened the door. Good evening, she replied. He peered over his paper and saw she picked up the glass. Do you have to go back to work babe? No Peter I don’t have to go back to work, she said annoyed. Well I ran you some bath water if you’re interested? If not I’ll let it drain. Just leave it she said. Peter stood up and walked to her, wrapping his strong hands over her shoulders, he said, I love you angel. She stopped for a second and took a deep breath, I love you too Peter. Never once did she take her eyes from the glass, she just continued to sip and think. Peter didn’t care though; his happiness existed inside of that little pill she was drinking. The reasoning behind this was that he had seen her on xanax before, she was someone totally different. She actually wanted to hold him and kiss him and love him.

He moved to the other side of table and sat down. Her eyes still didn’t move but he stared at her anyway. He thought to himself, I wonder if she remembers the first time we said I love you? I do. Sitting on the back of his dad’s old fishing boat, letting their feet dangle in the cool water, hands never separating. To some it would seem kind of cliché but to Peter it made him warm all over. Almost the way an alcoholic feels when they get that first good shot of liquor. That’s the way he felt then when she said I love you before he even knew that the feeling he felt was in fact love. He smiled and pressed his back against the chair, moving the table slightly forward. She looked up and saw his eyes looking at her, saw that boyish smile across his face and said, What the fuck is so funny!? He stopped smiling abruptly and said, I was just thinking bout the first time we said I love you. Oh really she said and sat the wine glass softly on the table. And it makes you smile Peter? Yes, he said, It does make me smile. I wish I could smile when I thought about it, she said, gazing out the window, she continued, instead I just feel numb to any feeling. My love, said peter, you can still feel you just have to work with me to try and fix this, I feel so lost without you and the sad part is that you live with me. Peter, she said, I don’t think we can fix this, I just don’t think we can, my love for you seems dead. Peter laid his face into his hands and watched the blackness fill his eyes. He felt tears swell and dissipate all at once. Even if she did leave him why would he care? She hadn’t been there anyway.

He heard the table chair slide back and he looked up at her. What is it that is so broken? He said. Me Peter, it’s just me. You would never understand, peter, you are the most loyal and loving husband anyone could ask for and I am just a liar. How so my love? How so? She paused for a moment and picked up her glass, tilted it backwards and let the rest of the drug fall into her system. Peter, I have been living two lives for the past six years, I have found myself in love with another man. Peter’s initial feeling was that of rage but he felt his heart begin to slow and knew that he couldn’t feel anything but sadness. His eyes swelled with tears and she didn’t even as much as rub his shoulder. She walked back to the bathtub and slid out of her clothes, he heard the bath water move as she lay down inside. Peter stood and walked to the kitchen, poured a double shot of whiskey and threw two xanax into his mouth and chewed them up. The drink came afterwards and it warmed him from the inside out. He closed his eyes and imagined that feeling coming from anything but whiskey drinks. He imagined a child of his own, even a dog, both of which his wife had never wanted. But being the loving husband that he was he never once tried pushing the issues. He just kept right on living and trying to love her no matter what. But this, this feeling that he felt was overwhelming. For six years she kept this from him, six years she had been with another man. This feeling of sadness was changing, he felt it swell and burst inside sending out little emotions; betrayal, jealousy, anger, fear, rage. They all fell inside of him and he couldn’t take the feelings anymore.

Peter opened the bathroom door just enough to see the reflection of her in the bath tub. He saw her breast laying there above the water and longed to touch them the way this other man had, just once more. His right foot pushed the door open and her eyes opened wide. Dear God Peter! You scared the shit out of me! He said, I did not mean to love. I just had to see you, once more. Where are you going Peter? she said. My love it is not where I am going that you need to worry about. She sat up slightly and said, I do love you peter I just never felt like you loved me. That is why I was with him, she said. You’re apology isn’t going to fix anything, Peter said. He pressed his hand down on her face and forced her head under the water. Both of her legs were kicking, throwing water all over the bathroom. She was screaming and gagging all at once and Peter never once flinched. His eyes stayed the same color, his face never strained but he felt it in his heart, these feelings that would not translate. He knew that after this everything would be better. He wouldn’t have to see her face and now how much they had both fucked up by getting married. This was it. His arm loosened it’s grip and he pulled it away from her face. He stared down at the lifeless body and he felt warmth throughout his own. She had always been a lovely girl but not the one he loved. For ten years or more Peter had a secret of his own. Ten years of lying makes for too many years of misery.
He walked to his bedroom now and layed across the bed. The calming chemical reaction helped him to ignore the obvious stench in the house. He closed his eyes and pictured her face but the one he loved once not the one he faced. It was her stuck inside his sightless gaze. Simply there to remind him of the old fishing boat, the cool deep water, the hands that never separate. She was there alright and she was right in his way. He couldn’t remove her because she was his wife. She had been there all this time and the woman he wanted now wasn’t alive. She was simply there to draw him away. Simply there to show that love can change shapes.