Final Dive

It's just like when you first dove off a diving board, the fear, the uncertainty. You look out the window, down to the ground and you realize again that you fear heights. You've always feared heights. But now, you push away your fear, just as you did when you first dove off the diving board, because you know that it’s over. You don't allow your fear of heights to deter you because your fear of being trapped is greater. Twenty minutes ago, you decided. It wasn't a sudden decision; your thoughts had been speaking to you for months now, but twenty minutes ago, you knew for certain. It was time to quit. It was time to run away. It was time for it all to come to an end. You know your decision is selfish, you know that your decision is final, but you don’t care. There is no way out for you. You have no plan for your life, no passion, no desire, no meaning. There is nothing. You have no friends. There are people around you all the time, you have a big family, but you don't talk to them because you are being judged. They are judging, giving unwanted advice and trying to help, and they are judging. You don't like being judged. As a matter of fact, you hate being judged. Everyone around you is judging you and it is driving you crazy, crazy enough to momentarily forget your fear of heights. You know there is no way out and you know that, with one dive, the judging will stop. You don’t need meaning, or passion, or desire or friends or family. One final dive and all the rest are unnecessary, irrelevant. You look out the window and prepare to dive. You have already calculated it all, just like you always do. You are not far enough up to just jump; that will lead to broken legs and more judging, but if you dive, it will be over. All of your anguish will be over. So, you take a deep breath and bend down into your diving form, just like you did when you first dove off the diving board, and then you dive one last dive.