the day it all changed...

The Day It All Changed

Every day was becoming a nightmare, each one worse than the next. I knew it was going to be soon, when my whole entire world as I knew it fell apart. There were stresses in both home and school; I could just about cope exactly the way it was. In fact school was not the problem; it was home I had to worry about. Anything that stressed me out too much, my mind would defend me not in the best way either, it just blocked it out, forgot it as it were, well depending on how serious it was, in my case it would never be forgotten. I just could not cope; it all scared me, just that little too much. I didn’t know where to go, or what was my next move.

I was sick of playing ‘the game’, the game of life that was, like I’m not suicidal or anything, but it’s just too much for me to handle right now. Really, there is only one thing I want out of life, it’s simple, I just want to be… happy. It just seems everything I do, I destroy, everything I care about leaves me, in one way or another, anyway.

I’m the master of disguise only one person knows how I really feel, who I really am, and that’s me. That’s not deliberate either, I want to spill my guts and just tell everybody, but the truth is I don’t know how. It absolutely terrifies me, I’ve always carried a secret around with me, I’m not sure if I could cope without one, it’s like everything you know being torn away from you. It’s like my little layer of protection; if nobody knows then they can’t use it against me. I do tell people stuff, but dribs and drabs, not enough for them to throw it back in my face. I don’t really trust people, I guess never being accepted as a kid made me that way, I think it’s all an act the way everybody acts around me, the things they say, everything. I know it’s not healthy, or right for that matter, most ‘normal’ people say what’s on their mind. But then, saying that, what is ‘normal’?

I have a really big family, three brothers and four sisters. We try not to argue, but in our circumstances it’s hard. I’m the second eldest, my brother Damien, or Damo as we call him, usually looks after us when he is not at work. If he is then it’s my job. Emmett and Jacob are twins, they literally epitomise the whole terrible twosome idea. Being the youngest of us all they get away with murder, when mum is in charge that is. But they are really cute when they want to be, they are nearing eight now. Jenny, Lucy, Rachel and Samantha are my four sisters. Jenny is 12 the youngest of my sisters there is a year between us all, Lucy is 13, Rachel is 14 and Samantha is 15 and I am 16. 

We all work together to keep the house running. I juggle school and work as does Sam, Damo works full time as a bartender. The younger kids clean the house and when Sam or I get home we cook. Our mum can’t work you see, she is ill, terminally ill. She has cancer, but she refuses to go through chemo, she says ‘If it is the gods will that I should die, then so be it.’ There are only a few days left now, possibly two weeks at the most. But she is not looking good; I suppose it won’t be too long now. Hopefully, she can hold on until Damo is at least 19, then we won’t all be put into care and split up. Well, we will have a bigger chance of it not happening, anyway.

It’s not what mum wants, social services have already come round a number of times, but mum insists that her dying wish is to have all her children together in their house. Reluctantly they oblige, but persist to persuade her into letting them take us. But there is no danger or neglect here so they really have no grounds. Luckily for us we get to stick together.

School is my sanctuary, the one place I can occupy my mind for a while, unfortunately it’s not long enough. Coincidentally I also get a few hours away on the weekends for work, again it’s really not enough, but I get more time away than the little ones get, so I accept it with open arms. I try not to think about mum that much; it just distresses me.

Although I allow myself an hour before I go to sleep to get all emotional and such. Just as long as it is quiet enough that Jenny, Lucy and Rachel can’t hear me next door and it does not affect Sam, who is just across the room. We all cope, just.

Damo, Sam and I bring in enough money to run the house, along with the benefits mum gets; it allows us to live comfortably, well within reason. Basically the bills are paid, there is enough food for us to eat whenever we are hungry and we can have little luxuries now and then too. It’s adequate, for us anyway.

We all know mum cannot recover, but we still pray she gets better, we have hope, and there is nothing else we can have. We just hope god wants to spare her and us, from her pain and us from our grieving.

But then it all happened too soon, just as I put my siblings to bed, said goodnight to everybody and went to kiss my mother on the forehead she looked at me, and that look said a million words, held a million memories. And then I knew.

I knew she had had enough of fighting she had accepted her fate. I was not ready to say goodbye or to admit this was the end, but I had no choice. Just like she had told me when she was diagnosed, ‘Life is part of death, and you can’t have one without the other.’ And it was true. I got into bed beside her hugged her and cried, I cried all night. I could not stop not even when Sam came in to say goodnight, she too got ‘the look’ she simply kissed mum on the forehead and got in on the other side of the bed. We never actually said the words Sam or I but everyone understood just the same. And that was the day, the day my whole entire world as I knew it fell apart.