Frightened by Her Professed Love

PROLOGUE

“There are two types of bird lovers in the world. One type buys expensive birds, clips their wings and locks them in a cage to be admired and "possessed". Another type of bird lover can spend hours knee deep in muck or in a bush waiting to catch a glimpse of a bird free and happy in nature. The bird's freedom gives him happiness."

-          Unknown Author

"Possessive love is an oxymoronic term.” I feel that the words "possessive" and "love" can never go together. If you are possessive about someone you love, you are restricting the movements and behavioral attitude of the person you claim to love."

-          Unknown Author

Conscious of an extortion of a kind short of illegality, I lay dumbfounded by the actions that make no perceptible sense. From the confrontational reveal, defining “unfaithfulness” regarding carnal pleasures ensued.

[adj] having sexual relations with someone other than your husband or wife, or your boyfriend or girlfriend

I have learned much in this personal life endeavor, especially given my professional pursuits which found more importance seemingly a lifetime ago.

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He pierced the exterior I called my innocence. From the beginning, he was no threat. Convergent paths at an inopportune time, he parked himself in that passenger seat of that American auto not wanting to leave my presence for fear that the first viewing would not blossom thereafter. I sat staring at him amused at the disparate lives we lead. All facts were revealed with such urgency and resolution that no questions were left unanswered in just the first few hours spent.

I had no attraction save the ease of speech I discovered with this masculine man. Through time, I saw no sex; gender was simply a word describing the presence and absence of the “X” and “Y”. He often held me close as the contours of his solid chest met my soft one never missing a resultant emanation of an indescribable, intense rise in his bodily temperature.

This “bird’s freedom” gave me such happiness. There were no restrictions in his movement and feelings and his love for me was transparent within the first hour. Having chosen a sheltered life in academia, my virtue remained intact. Akin to the most Taoist of them all, carnal pleasures certainly existed in my reality, but I operated “instinctively, intuitively and spontaneously [l]ike a child” who is “unaware of his innocence and his virtues.” My compassion was as natural to me “as breathing,” and, as such, I was “unaware of it as” I was of my “own breathing.”

Our unified path was complete with distinction. Over time, the poison words from another became insurmountable as distinctions became magnified. Through him came the words of another as I was not permitted to mourn my beautiful child of love. I anguished under the showering water with my own shadows of darkness nudging me ever so slightly to that ominous edge. My own steady agent struck the entrance in time for my salvation. His peaceful blue eyes pierced with concern and weighted love. The agent knows. His resolve becomes stronger as he replays the words lovingly spoken, all the while witnessing the nausea. He keeps quiet and waits. Tenacious to the end, he moved on to diplomacy of the land of ancient Ottomans where two continents meet.

Unaided in grief where so much help existed, that man represented misguided understanding. Having met with his own life’s cruelest sorrows, he offered genuine words of empathy transforming, in due course, to the uncaring repeated words of the other. Nearing thirty full moons, my loss grew larger – no end to my bereavement, and no resolution to that man’s convinced perception of two lives lived, I conceded defeat.

As the wise sage of Tao exclaim, the peaceful warrior I became.

There is no greater illusion than fear,
no greater wrong than to prepare to defend yourself,
no greater misfortune than having an enemy.

Whoever can see through all fear
Will always be safe.

-          Unknown Taoist Author.

Throughout the years, the deafening words of a masked comrade of this man transformed into obscurity, tolling up contrivances beyond discernment. How I often prayed to be left in peace and implored movingly to be left a broken innocent. Such pleading penetrated those listening ears, but unraveled to spurious vows. I moved with a heavy, dreadful gait of mourning over actions of an authoritative kind, not yet commenced. The masked comrade brewed in hatred over my existence and carrying forth plans for my pain. No meets, not even an acquaintance, and no priming to my induction into the depths of her obsession. A clear path to my own sanity transformed the innocent to the peaceful warrior.

The sage is a man of peace. Yet, he carries within him the formidable qualities of a warrior. He abhors weapons. He detests warfare. The great warrior, according to him, is the one who has avoided conflict and has never had to use violence. As a warrior, he has learnt the art of subduing his adversary without humiliation. He has the courage of someone who has conquered himself. He is able to face impossible odds and the worst adversaries with grace and courage. He is no pacifist. When left no other option. He will fight skillfully and dispassionately, but he will not rejoice in victory, for he sees victory parades as the gory exultation of ignorant butchers. Nor does he fear defeat: it does not carry the sting of humiliation to someone who has very little ego to hurt.

-          Unknown Taoist Author.

The scale of justice was repressed on that month only to confound and sting the scorpion when that man awakened from his raw slumber. The first day of Kwanzaa symbolized the re-reaching of souls.  From the horns of the Capricorn to the grace of the Virgo came forth a bewildering time, when that man compounded numerous untruths possessed by fear that sordid knowledge would be dropped at my door. The masked comrade perpetuated exertion over that man with increasingly disparaging efforts. He felt his prison beneath erratic extractions, retractions of dominance and submission. Through his fear and her desires rested the lives of my “ying” and his “yang”.

Oscillating between feigned and superficial genuine acts of contrition to professing abhorrence to that man, the masked comrade undertook no direction towards betterment. I prayed for her deliverance from suffering, all the while grasping with the reality her vacuous humanity in my regard. Fixating on the fan above me, I lay in the dark with intangible tears of sorrow for this masked comrade’s anguish. I felt neither pity nor disdain for this woman who sought a terrifying form of love wrought with ominous control over that man she had unquestionably uttered and demonstrated, corporeally, her affections.

Absorbed for a full moon commencing on justice’s influence, the masked comrade battled inexorably until that man relented in exhaustion. Droning incomprehensible pledges, he lay numbed by existence as she compelled his word. Carnal acts captured in time as her lips met his lower extremities. His grief quelled in these moments of foundation-less sessions. Towards justice’s conclusion and through the scorpion’s beginning, middle and end, the captured acts exposed a slightly cracked mask of the comrade who frantically reacted to obscure the face of truth. His wound roused with prickling sensation while her efforts to deaden failed. The cloud of drowsiness dispersed and he stood straight in dreadful realization. What sordid acts had he committed his body? Whose possession did it lay since the month of justice?

Slow realization developed from remorse. That man quivered inside as the faulty mask began to rupture and glimpses of the inside revealed an extortionist of love, affections and friendship. The masked comrade’s apparent intent lay forth by her threats “to expose embarrassing information about them”. That man vacillated between fear, contempt, and confusion. Noting the deleterious corollary over eight full moons and remarking on the difference from his former self only to be told of the industrious use of time.

The masked comrade affected concern over that man’s biological incontinence caused by the stress of her own doing. The bull rose first this year and could not be halted by the twins; only to be diseased by cancer until no further spread could be tolerated by the lion. Authoritative powers took reign, fracturing the already cracked mask and uncovering a dismal figure that lost the acquired power over that man who feared the extorts of her words and lascivious images. Control lost and contrived threats to her and her own children’s lives, she swore “the truths” of her words to a stranger held more significance than the lives of the three beings.

Confessed occurrences beginning in the month of virtue were revealed by that man who carried such weight beyond humanly possible. He led me to the depths of my own grave with his confession. Explanations of the insanity of his actions through eight full moons began clearing the senseless actions he previously demonstrated. His fear twisted and formed by the uncovered dismal figure sunk my stomach in great sickness beyond description. Anger formed from this sickness, and then simply, pity.

That man became my man in his increasing recovery of self, power, independence and fearlessness. The stress that caused the incontinence cleared in less than a quarter moon as his health was so warmly returned to him. I cupped his face, barely able to look at him straight through tears and heartache; I declared no dismal figure should ever take hold of his life again to such deleterious consequence. Our months of justice and scorpions resulted in unspoken deceptions and destruction to self which can only be rebuilt on a better foundation. A perceived unfaithfulness occurred during a time in which cannot be defined to have occurred. That man and I were lost in the depths of our own sorrows. After being turned away, his sorrow was revealed to a dismal figure who believed in a reality that was voiced could not occur. My own warnings of this fact sat on deaf ears. She entered a relationship of the tactile kind with full knowledge that a love from that man could not be obtained. He turned his faith to a failed friend who had no intention of remaining such. His cries of depression, heartache and pain landed on a masked comrade displaying no understanding or empathy – only anger and loathing for the feelings he possessed for me.

Comprehension of the betrayal lay not in the unfaithfulness which never occurred since the definition outlined in the prologue claims to be, “having sexual relations with someone other than your husband or wife, or your boyfriend or girlfriend”. The figure lay next to him with yearning to hold him only to cause him to turn his back with an explanation of the inability to sleep. In her own words to me, he refused to kiss her lips. By her own professing, this figure permitted a cold, uncaring taking of her body by a man she claimed unilateral love. That man confirmed the relating of the incidents and added a further explanation of it being just a body that quelled his pain – an unsympathetic, cold taking that released the pain he attempted so hard to dispel. The figure was happily obliging in this endeavor.

KNOWLEDGE – I possess the knowledge that I hope will assist the dismal figure in her efforts to move on. I write in sarcasm with the following: I will provide no appreciation for the many attempted efforts to inform me of lascivious acts with a man that was not committed to me nor me, him. What that man does outside of his commitment to me is of no consequence as it should remain.