Revelationns

It was cold. Dark. And snow falling everywhere around me.

Despite the sound of the heater in my room, the songs drown it out.

I was babbling. Just simply talking about anything that pops up in my head.

I didn’t want to lose control. I stop and check. Good. I wasn’t mad…or sad…just simply emotionless.
That’s what I wanted…and it work. So I continued.

Socrates and Plato came into my head then. Talking about the word philosophy. I word I could not say at all. Until later the next morning.

I told him I can talk like that forever and forever. I ask him, “You don’t want to change how I talk?”

“No, it’s your choice,” he said through the phone.

I can imagine him here, right in the room besides me. His spiky hair, his eyes lighter than mines. His tall dark body simply staring at me with seriousness yet I knew it was gentle.

I replied, “Everyone has a choice; what people do affect other people you know?” “I can’t change how you talk, it’s your choice right?”

I remember I ask him so many times if he understands. Deep down I know he does. He always does.

But I wanted to be sure. I always doubted myself that it’s a habit. I know I shouldn’t but the circumstances of my childhood made me doubt myself.

His simply words can easily defeat my complicated ones. His actions shape my feelings. Does he know that? I’m sure he does.

Bolero

Yoru Tsuki

Wedding Dress

Mia

Sin

Wasurenaide

Songs playing in the background. Calming my senses. I don’t want to break down. I’ve always been strong. Nothing had ever affected me so much like this. Was I really being strong? Or just running away?

My boyish nature and my solitary road have made me have no feelings at all. I will not easily cry I kept a few friends. We’ve been through a lot together until growing up has made us separate. I know the most that I was the most affected.

I was sensitive. He knew that. Through all my punches and kicks. He knew I was just acting happy for others sake. He saw through it. And I hated it. “Please don’t act with me, you can be yourself,” he said and I sigh.

I needed to know. Does he really understand me?

“Do you understand?” I had asks. I can imagine him nodding his head. I just saw him five hours earlier. It was almost 11. It was quiet besides the songs playing on my laptop. I wanted to know. I needed to know.

“I always had…I know what you’re going through. You want to help me, but I’m not letting you. You’re hiding your feelings by talking like that. You’re acting happy when I know you’re not. You’re mad…and sad aren’t you?” he asks. But he already knew the answer.

Because I started to cry.