Friends til the end

So there I was, standing in an isle at the grocery store when my soul plunged out of my body. In an instant everything went silent. Children were screaming in shopping carts, women were talking on their cell phones, but I heard nothing. Imagine for a moment that you are standing in a very large room filled with people. Everyone in this room is talking and yelling all at once, but you can’t understand what anyone is saying because everyone is trying to be heard over the person standing next to them. Then all at once all of the deafening noise dies, as if someone muted your life. Everyone in the room is still standing next to you, desperately trying to speak to you, but you can’t hear them anymore. This is what it’s like when your soul dies. In case you were wondering, there are some pros and cons to knowing what this feels like. The cons are simple and obvious; you will never experience any real happy or positive emotion every again. The pros are not so obvious, and most will never realize they exist until they have been there. You see, not many people can say that they feel the way that I do. I belong to an exclusive organization that most will never be able to join. Unintentionally and against my will I have become different and special. But do not misunderstand this boost of confidence; it took me a year to get where I am. I had to go through much, for lack of a better word……soul searching, and I dare say that someone even had to die for me to be happy again. Don’t judge me, if it came down to your life and happiness, you would have done the same thing. What I had to do was not an obvious solution, but I think the good ones never are. The good life changing solutions always take some imagination.

By now you may be wondering why I am writing you this letter. You and I haven’t spoken in over a year, and out of the blue you get a letter from me. I know it seems strange, but I need your help. You may be the last friend that will understand what I am about to say. I couldn’t imagine trusting anyone else in the world with my story. Before I begin I want you to know that I love you, and I always will. Once you are done reading all of this, and you do not feel the same I will understand. I will continue on with my life, and I will wait until the moment comes when you love me once again. Having said that let me start at the beginning.

One year ago today I realized that somehow during the events in my life I had become afraid of the world. I couldn’t do anything without having a panic attack. I could no longer go shopping, or eat in a restaurant, or see a movie, or hear the ringing of my phone without wanting to jump out of my own skin. My biggest fear became being alone. I became afraid that if I was alone, I would stop existing. Everywhere I went I felt like I was being followed by a black cloud that carried only passengers filled with sadness and despair. If I was alone, I would have no one around to save me from this cloud, and I would eventually be sucked on board with everything else it touched. If I was forced to become a part of this cloud then I would no longer be able to exist as a person. I would just be the shell of someone I once was, a stranger to my family and friends. You have to understand that I did what I had to do so that I could survive! I realized that I needed to take control over my life. I needed to save myself, because I could no longer tolerate being a victim. I couldn’t bare it for one more second. That day when I was standing alone in the grocery store my whole life came crashing down around me. I never thought that the cloud would find me while I was buying bread. At the time I didn’t know what was going to happen and I have to be honest with you, I was terrified. I realize now it was the best thing for me. I was like a snake shedding my old tired skin, only to reveal a bright new set of scales. With my new skin came new thoughts and ideas, and with my new thoughts and ideas came a new way of life. I found myself thinking of the old saying, “what does not kill you only makes you stronger.” I realized I needed to face my fears. But how long would it take someone to face all of their fears when they’re afraid of everything? I wasn’t willing to spend the rest of my life trying to become normal again. I needed to go straight to the top of the list; I needed to overcome something huge. I had to do something that most people were scared to do. If I could do this one thing then I would have to upper hand on most of the world. If I could pull it off, it would no longer be me that was afraid of the world; it would be the world that was afraid of me. As soon as I knew what needed to be done, the solution covered me like a warm blanket; I needed to kill someone. If I could find the courage to kill someone, there is nothing else in the universe that would frighten me. However this was a very large adventurous step for someone that rarely leaves her apartment. For years my entire life revolved around books. I would read other peoples stories, and pretended that they were my own so that I wouldn’t have to go out and interact with other people. Creating my own story was going to take very careful planning, because I had very little experience living my own life. I had no idea what I was, and was not capable of. I had no idea where my line of potential was drawn. In case you were wondering, let me tell you something about potential. When you were younger, whoever told you that you were capable of anything was an asshole. People often say things without thinking about their meaning. I wonder if I told this person that all I really wanted to do was kill someone, would they still support my length of capability. I bet they would become more specific with their claims.

The next morning I woke up and immediately noticed that my life had changed. I felt completely numb. I drank a cup of coffee and got ready for work as usual, but it was like someone else was doing these things. I couldn’t taste the coffee going down my throat. I couldn’t feel the water of my shower beating on my skin. I felt like I was dreaming, but I knew that I wasn’t going to wake up. For many days I felt nothing, and I began to wonder if I never woke up would I be able to survive in this new world. Is having common human emotion really that important? Could I turn feeling into the appendix of the emotion world? Could I rip feeling from my body and then sow up the wound? Maybe I could pretend like it was never there. If you had to choose between feeling sad and scared or not feeling at all, which would you pick? This was a decision I needed to make. In the end, I chose to be numb, I chose to commit murder, I chose to start a new life. The thing that scared me the most was as soon as I made this decision I knew who I needed to kill. It came to me effortlessly and without thought, as if it had been on my mind for years. I decided that I would do it that evening. Why put my life on hold any longer? I waited until it was late and then I snuck into my victim’s house with the spare key she kept hidden under the welcome rug. She was lying in her bed and I could hear a small and charming snore coming out of her mouth. I walked over to her body and watched her sleep. Against my will I began to cry, there were no sobs just tears. I was so happy and grateful for this moment I wanted to remember everything about it. I brushed her hair away from her eyes, and then I secured a pillow over the top of her face. I stood next to her and waited for that charming snore to turn into a scream, and for that scream to turn into silence. Once she was still I returned the pillow to the bed, I shut her eye lids, and then I left the house the same way I came in. When I got back to my apartment I took a shower, and for the first time in many days, I felt the water hitting my skin. I took a deep breath and felt the steam from the hot water going into my lungs. When I exhaled I felt relief, and at that moment I knew I made the right decision. The next morning I woke up and took a trip to the book store down the street. I walked in and donated all of my books. I know it sounds weird, but I didn’t want to be surrounded by other people’s stories anymore; from now on I had my own stories.

So that is my secret. I don’t expect you to truly understand my reasoning for what I did, nor do I expect your approval. I do expect your discretion, because you are my oldest and dearest friend. I created this email account for you special for this particular letter. Though I greatly doubt you will ever check it. I have to admit this confession is more for me than it is for you. Someday I know you will forgive me, however, I doubt that day will come within my life time. I feel like I should tell you that I am sorry, but the truth is I’m not. I could lie to you and say that I am, but what would be the point in that? There is no reason to lie anymore. The truth is now out, and I cannot suffocate it like I did you. I know that it doesn’t matter now, but I want you to know that you looked beautiful. Never once was there any sign of fear of pain on your face. Your grave is beautiful as well. I don’t know if you notice, but I bring you fresh flowers as often as I can. I regret that it had to be you, but you were the only one that I knew that was just as secluded and scared of the world as I was. I knew that you had no plans of trying to better yourself. Don’t feel bad about that, it’s not your fault that I was the one with the epiphany. If you would have had the idea first you would have done the same to me. In a way, by doing all of this, I was saving your life as well as my own. I am no longer afraid of anything or anyone, and now neither are you. Because of you I can now live my life. Because of you I am the person I have always wanted to be. Thank you.
Your friend
K.


word count: 1980