Thanksgiving guest

“Have some more stuffing!” Aunt Selma insists, heaping another helping on my plate.
“I couldn’t possibly…”
“Oh, you’re too slim! You need to eat once in awhile!”
“I’m going to have to pop my button, Aunt Selma”
“Haha, just make sure you fasten it back up!”

The doorbell rang. Aunt Selma shuffled over in her slippers. “Oh good! It’s Ben!”
Ben and his guest enter the foyer. I knew who his guest is by his voice. I cringed.
“Hel-lo Jerry.” That aggravating tone again.
“Hello Newwwman.” I shot an aggravating tone right back at him.

“I see you received your shirt.” Newman remarked as he sat down across from me.
“Yes, thank you, but I did notice that the shirt went from a size medium to an extra large and I had to wonder how that happened.”

“I wouldn’t know Jerry, after all, you were the one who left your shirt in the laundry room, anyone could have tried it on. If you weren’t always so concerned with showing off your physique, most people would just be grateful to have their shirt back. Newman’s face was contorted into a smug smirking sneer.

“Newman, you know it’s my shirt, you know it’s my favorite shirt, so why you didn’t return it to me when you found it in the laundry room leaves me to question your integrity.”

“I have plenty of integrity Jerry, plenty!”

“You have plenty of something Newman, and you forced it into my shirt! If it weren’t for Kramer seeing the shirt in your apartment I wouldn’t have it back now would I?”

Aunt Selma and Ben returned to the table with their plates from the kitchen.

Ben pointed at Newman with his fork. “Oh, so you two already know each other?” Ben continued. “Newman and I went to the same grade school, we bumped into each other at the gym! I saw this guy and I notice his shirt, and I say to myself, ‘Hey! Jerry has a shirt just like that! And then I notice it’s Newman from the old days! How about that?”

“Yes, how about that?” I raise my eyebrow as Newman glares back.

“Oh isn’t that funny! You two have the same taste in clothes!” Aunt Selma offers, making polite conversation.

“Well that explains the odor.” I said as I rose to leave. Aunt Selma and Ben looked to each other for an explanation, and Newman remained mute.

As I began to excuse myself from the table, I realized too late that I forgot to secure the top button to my jeans as Aunt Selma had warned me earlier.

Newman let out a hearty laugh when my jeans popped open. “Looks like you have plenty of “physique” to force into those jeans Jerry! A confident person would have no problem with a more comfortable size!”

“Jerry just loves my stuffing!” Aunt Selma explained to Newman as she brought my coat.

“I can see that Aunt Selma! Old Jerry here is a real stuffed shirt or should we say he stuffs his pants?” Aunt Selma nods and pretends to laugh, too innocent to get the reference.

“Good night Newman” I say as I walk out the door, giving Aunt Selma a hug.

“Good night Jerry!” Called Newman, stuffed with smug, and far too happy.

Newman!