The night the world went away

THE NIGHT THE WORLD WENT AWAY

By Daryl Mc Shane

It was a Tuesday. I think!? It might’ve been a Wednesday, I always get them mixed up because they began the same. I suppose that could be said for every day of the week, or of my life. They all began the moment I woke up from the night before, even though some of those nights seemed to last forever, like the night Rebecca left me.

I sat in the dark that night for what felt like an eternity, wishing and praying to Gods I never believed in before, to stop the pain, to stave the heartache and let me be happy with her. That was never to be. I woke up here alone.

Now, I’m surrounded by space, a great white nothingness all around me. It’s frightening, but comforting in the same instance, the feeling that nothing exists, but the ability to see what is coming from miles away. Of course in the great white nothing, there is nothing coming, I suppose that’s the beauty of it. No surprises.

The greatest surprise I ever received was years ago, when I was a child. When the world was still here. It was a huge box in the middle of my living room, filled with newspaper cuttings to fill it up and the book at the bottom, one I had wanted all year. I came from a poor family, so even the smallest presents were perceived greater when covered with exaggerated wrapping. It was my parents way of saying there was more to it than just the present itself, they had spent time, energy and love presenting me this book. Though others, the greedy or overly expectant people might not think the same way. My parents always made me feel so special, they always made sure I felt loved. I miss them now more than I have ever missed anyone, even Rebecca.

A sound, a noise, a breeze, anything, give me anything. The nothingness responds with nothing. I scream, well I think I’m screaming, but I cant hear my voice, only my thoughts. The great white nothing can be a little boring sometimes, and very lonely at others but it‘s worse when its both, which is every passing moment.

Rebecca. She was gorgeous, though I struggle now to remember her face, the great white nothing is stealing her from me. It tries to make me forget her, make me move on from that point in my life, but I don’t want to forget her. I still want her. I refuse to move on.

A heated discussion. I made a mistake I did something bad but for the life of me I can’t remember what I did. I’m watching the whole thing in third person, watching the vein on the side of my head throb, and her screaming at the top of her voice at me. She’s crying, and then I start shouting back. I never realised how scary I look when I shout, I never realised how scared Rebecca looked when I shouted. Remember her face. Don’t forget her. She was right to leave me, I didn’t deserve her. Was I really just watching that, or was that in my head? I don’t know.

I’m startled by something, was that a noise, what does a noise sound like, I ask who’s there, the nothingness answers no one, but a word was never spoken. I feel like I’m spinning around endlessly, but it’s hard to tell, there’s no distinctive markers, no way of telling which way is up, there is no north and south. Just nothing. This place is driving me insane, why did she leave me? Why am I here, in the great white nothing. I don’t belong here, I shout and roar this over and over again silently. Rebecca. Why? Rebecca, why?

I was so angry that night, she was so angry that night. I didn’t mean to hit her to the ground, I didn’t want to slap her, but she made me so angry.  Anger is pointless in a place like this, nothing to vent it on, nothing is the only valid and useful emotion in a place full of nothing. You don’t notice the emptiness then. I hear the clatter of the cutlery as it fall down beside her. I heard that, I know I heard that, but from where, I can’t even see the kitchen in my head. I can’t remember what she looks like at all now.

That was the night the world went away, but I remember the moment. I remember her shouting at me, a flash of steel in the light, she was so angry, I remember a pain in my neck then sitting in the dark that night for what seemed an eternity. I thought I could hear her crying and shouting my name, but then I woke up here in the great white nothing.