Cody's First Camping Trip

(NOTE:  V= Ventriloquist, F=Puppet)

V. Evening ladies and gentlemen
F. Yes! Ladies and gents. . . .  and anybody in-between.
V. ( looking around) Can you see anybody you know Cody?
F. I can see one or two I’d like to know. . . he looks nice Coooeee  (blowing kisses)
V. What?
F. Oh! isn’t he dreamy?
V. Dreamy? Cody, I don’t care if he’s unconscious. We’re here to entertain  . . . .  What is it with you? . . . your like a bitch on heat, calm down get a grip on yourself.
                                (Pause for laughter)

F I know . . . I’m just a sea of raging hormones.
V. ( Sympathetic)I know exactly what you mean Cody . . . I used to be just like that myself, a sea of hormones. . .
F.  . . . .and now the tides gone out. (Laughing) do you get it?(laughing)
V. (Sadly)Not as much as I’d like to.
F. It’s more like charity work for you now isn’t it?
V. Charity work?
F. All donations gratefully received. ( laughing again)
V. ( Annoyed)You go to far sometimes, I didn’t come here to be insulted.
F. No? . .  Where do you usually go?
V. Why were you late tonight? I had to wait for you, you knew we were going out.

Copyright 2009 Steven J Rauscher All rights reserved
F. I was playing cards over at (name) house.
V. What were you playing?
F. As a matter of fact we were playing Poker, GAY poker to be exact.
V. GAY poker? ( pause for effect) And what’s that exactly.
F. It’s where queens are wild and no straights allowed.( LOL)

V. ( Laughing)Nice one.
F. Here is a public announcement- Ladies and gentlemen Did you realise that 70% of the gay population were born that way?  (Nodding) that’s right.
V That’s interesting . . what about the other 30%?
F. They were sucked into it.
(Pause for any laughs)
V. (smiling)Your hot  tonight Cody, keep em coming.
F. Now who’s talking dirty.
V. Lets change subject, tell me about your camping trip.. . . I heard you recently went camping for the first time…
F:  Yeah, it was a catastrophic success!!
V: Well that sounds like fun!!
F:  Wha?!?  Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe again?
V:  Now what’s that supposed to mean?
F: Oh I forgot you like to leave that in there, makes your day more interesting…
V:  Hey!  Would you be nice? ( Pause) I was in a halfway decent mood before you got started up . . .
F:  Halfway decent?  What happened... your batteries die?
V:  Ok enough of that; let’s get back to the original subject…
F:  What camping? 
Copyright 2009 Steven J Rauscher All rights reserved

V: Yes!  your camping trip
F:  Well it didn’t last long…
V: Why not?
F:  I had to use the bathroom…
V:  Yeah so?  I used to go camping when I was little, and I peed on lots of trees!
F:  I didn’t have to pee…
V: Not a prob, pop a squat in the bushes…
F: (Stares at vent)And just what the hell am I supposed to wipe with?!?
V: Anything handy!. . . . In an emergency. you could actually use a dollar.
F. I know, I did. . . . I ended up covered in Sh*t from head to toe.
V. ( confused) How did you managed that?
F. You try wiping your ass on dimes and quarters and lets see how you get on.
V. On second thoughts stick to leaves.
F: Sorry not gonna do that, I knew someone once that did that and their ass itched for a month of Sundays…
V: Mosquito bite?
F: No...Poison Ivy!
V: Not fun at all!!
F: You would think that these camping places would have at least the bare essentials….
V:  Like what?
F:  Like toilet paper for starters….
V: ok I can see that…
F: And actual plumbing, . . .not no trees or pit toilets, I prefer when the shitter goes swoosh, and everything disappears…
Copyright 2009 Steven J Rauscher All rights reserved

V: ( nodding)ok, that could be do-able…
F: And a power outlet so I can plug in my blow dryer (touches hair) my hair looked like shit every morning cuz I couldn’t do a damn thing with it! And besides,. . .you never know when you might have to blow something else!
V: If you want all of that, why didn’t you just stay at a motel?
F: Cuz that wouldn’t be roughing it!
V:  ( shaking head)There just isn’t any winning with you is there?
F:  I plead contemporary insanity!
V:  you are too much!!
F:  ( pleased with himself) That’s just what my last boyfriend said!
V:  You know they say it isn’t the size that matters….
F: It ain’t the size, it’s. . . .  No it is the size…
V:  You are such a size queen!
F:  Never a cuter one either!!
V:  Cody, you seriously need to grow up some…
F: I already have!
V: You do realize that a hard on doesn’t count as personal growth!
F:  Screw you!
V: Hey you better be nice or I’m going to shove you back in the case!
F:  Ok! Ok! I take it back!! . . . . Un-screw you!!
V: (shakes head in disbelief)
F: Jesus, first you drag me out of the closet kicking and screaming, and now you threaten to force me back in!  You people need to make up your mind!!
V:  You need to learn to get along with people and be nicer….
F:  Do I Look like a fucking people person?!?!?
Copyright 2009 Steven J Rauscher All rights reserved

V: Enough of that now… Tell me did you see any wildlife while on your little excursion?
F: Bugs… and lots of ‘em ( shivers)
V: What kind of bugs?
F: Icky ones…I hate bugs….
V:  Without some types of bugs, we’d end up with lots of other bugs, and it could make life more miserable . . .
F: What kind of icky creepy crawly thing helps us out?
V: Spiders for one, they eat lots of other bugs, even mosquitoes…
F:  They can all die for all I care…Bug are just ewwww.
V: If we didn’t have bugs, do you realize what kind of shape our ecological system would be in?
F: Oh so now you give a shit about the environment?!?  You are so confused….
V: Why do you say I am confused?
F:  Your motto is Earth first! We’ll screw up the other planets later!
V: It is not! That is not even close to my motto…..
F:  Ok what is your motto then?
V:  Save the earth…it’s the only planet with chocolate!
F:  Unbelievable ( shakes head) You would say something about chocolate…….
V:  That is off subject once again…how do you always manage to do that?
F: Don’t hate me cuz I’m cute…
V: oh please…(rolls eyes)
F:  Oh when we got there we had to set up camp, that was not on my agenda…
V: Dare I ask why not…
Copyright 2009 Steven J Rauscher All rights reserved



F: I figured we paid for it so everything would be set up when we got there…I found out it wasn’t
V: It usually isn’t unless you take an RV.
F: Well you ever see two gay guys trying to set up a tent?
V: Not that I can recall…
F:  Well it never got set up….
V: Why not?
F: We kept grabbing each others poles!
V:  geez……
V: So did you roast any weenies while you were there?
F: Do you really need to ask?  (Gives vent a stupid look)
V: I was talking about campfire snacks…..
F: So was I!!
V: Hey now keep it clean!!
F:  If you were referring to cooking food, no I didn’t cook anything
V:  Why not?
F: Have you ever tried to balance a fondue pot on a campfire?
V: Um…I don’t think that’s…never mind…
F:  Plus without my cuisine art I just can’t FUNCTION!!!
V:  Cody, you said having all sorts of modern conveniences wouldn’t be roughing it…
F:  I said I wanted to rough it, not go all Brokeback mountain!
(Wait for laughter)
V: As I said before I had gone camping many times, and never had a problem…
Copyright 2009 Steven J Rauscher All rights reserved

F:  yeah isn’t it amazing, the things you will put up with when you’re still in the closet!  . . . . Plus, when you were a kid, campfires were the ONLY way to cook!
V:  Hey! I am not that old…
F: Sweetheart you’re over thirty…
V: Yeah, so what?!?
F: Once you hit thirty, you are dead in the gay community!
V: I look like I did when I was 18!
F: Ha Ha, have you checked out the lines you got going on your forehead?!?
V. Lines?( goes all dramatic here)Darling! those lines are life’s experiences written there.
F. (looking at lines) Looks more like an autopsy report if you ask me.
V: Damn cheek! Anyway . . . So how did you sleep out in the wilderness? Were you comfortable?
F: Well yeah, but my boyfriend did nothing but complain, so I didn’t get much sleep…
V: Why was he complaining?
F: Cuz the ground is always harder for the one on the bottom!
V: Cody, that’s just …..to much information!  So I assume you zipped the two sleeping bags together?
F: Yeah, we needed the extra room…
V: Why?
F:  Well let’s just say that one of the hardcore, beer chugging straight boys from the next door campsite decided to pay us a visit!!
V: You mean you and your boyfriend had a straight guy over?
F: Yeah I guess you could say he was kinda sucked into it!
Copyright 2009 Steven J Rauscher All rights reserved

V: Jesus Cody!!
F: Well you know what they say…..
V; oh god, now I am afraid…No I don’t what do they say?
F: Once you get fairyed you’ll never get married!!
V: That’s not true, some states actually allow gay marriage now!
F: Hellloooo!!  We’re in Wisconsin! You know Come cut our cheese!! And don’t wack our weenies!
V: Cody I have never heard those phrases spoken by anyone in Wisconsin…
F:  Oh fer crymany cripes sake, ya no hey der?
V:  Ok now that isn’t Wisconsin, that’s the U.P.
V: So did you see any snakes while you were there?
F: (Looks at vent stupidly)
V: Forget I asked!!
V So. . . After all that, are you ever going camping again?
F. No!, we’re going further afield next time. (name) and myself, we’re going globe trotting.
V. Globe trotting, I see.
F. We’re off to solve one of the world’s greatest mysteries.
V. Your going to study the Bermuda triangle?
F. ( Shakes head) No! not that.
V. ( Thinks)  . . . .Your off to discover Atlantis then.
F. No not Atlantis.
V. I’m growing old here Cody, tell me.
Copyright 2009 Steven J Rauscher All rights reserved

F: (Dramatically)We’re going to Scotland to solve the  mystery of the ages. . . .
V. Aah!. . .The Loch Ness monster. . .your off to catch Nessie.
F. What we are planning to do will require a fast hand and a stiffened resolve. . . We’re off to discover . . . . . what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.
V. But you hate plaid.
F.I do and that’s why it’s coming OFF ( mad cackle)
V. Well all I can say is. . . Hang on to your haggis Scotland here comes Cody.

Thanks ladies and gents, you’ve been a great audience . . . . . .  etc
Copyright 2009 Steven J Rauscher All rights reserved