midnight

“I need something more to keep on breathing for, so give me something to believe”-Believe performed by The Bravery


    It’s five minutes until midnight. I take one last glance around the room ,pictures of myself and mom  sat on my dresser mocking me with what was. Both of us had been happy blondes with bright eyes. Those years had been so fun we lived like best friends, a real life Gilmore Girls. We took random road trips, planned parties or bar b que’s every weekend, always ending with chick flick movie marathons on the side of the garage.
   
  Everything went up in blaze of weed smoke and needles about a year ago when mom met mike the mechanic. Since then it's been notes left on the refrigerator saying she would not be home til morning. In the beginning of the mike relationship mom had still made meals and left them in the microwave or left money for take out. Slowly the notes and the money stopped, then Silvia had moved mike in, saying he lost his job due to cutbacks. I later realized mike likely lost his job because he was high all the time. Soon Silvia was living the high life non- stop and I had to find odd work here and there, babysitting, cleaning , mowing lawns , or waitressing. Mostly jobs that paid under the table. These jobs paid the rent while mom and the unemployed mechanic continued to shoot up. I will admit one thing Mike and mom were loyal to each other. Unfortunately they were practically inseparable. If there was a junkie version of US weekly , Silke would be the “it” couple.
Silke continued to get high, eat and sleep. My mom stopped even trying to design clothes within the last six months I haven’t seen her so much as look at a stitch or a sketch pad. Mom had made a steady living doing freelance fashion design, specializing in prom and wedding dresses. The bulk of her money coming from alterations ,we were happy and financially sound pre-Mike the unemployed mechanic.
    The time now 11:57 I  checked my cell again no missed calls. I opened my e-mail no new messages . I forgot to check the snail. I had a deadline so I ran with a speed that would make flo –jo stand and applaude . I opened the front door the cold air instantly caused chills all over my body.  Ignoring  the cold I opened the  mailbox shifted through bills and pre-selected credit card solicitations. Nothing. I  put the mail back in the box , ran passed silke passed out in the living room both of them shot up to capacity without od-ing and  un-bathed for at least a  week. Then I decided to back track . I walked back in the living disregarding my deadline. Time didn’t matter anymore the end result would be the same. I stared hard at my mother allowing myself to cry  for the first time in  years. I had missed her so much, without her I was alone . In the last year I had become an outcast at school. At first it was because of working after school all the time. I didn’t have time to hang out. Then Silke started to be out in public more often begging for money and the kids at school either mocked me or just seemed uncomfortable. When I changed my hair to a bright pink with black streaks, I was  labeled a freak. Boys continued to stare openly at my size d’s but none of them dared to ask me out (not that I had time to go anyway) .
      Silvia  lay motionless. Her beauty had seemed to fade overnight. Her eyes sagged more , as did her butt . Her butt had once been her prize possession (besides me ), she wore no make up anymore, her body looked like she belonged on "say no to anorexia" campaign poster. Her arms were decorated with dark lines. I cried harder then shifted my eyes from mom to Mike who actually had her wrapped in her arms like he was prince charming. Whatever. This was the same guy who had Silvia stealing money from under my mattress . I coughed up the biggest spit bubble I could and spat it right on his nose. He didn’t even move. Loser.   
        I reached my room stood in front of the full length mirror. I had to say I looked good. My pink hair had a nice shine, my lip stick was still in tack, I applied a little extra eye liner to make my black eyes sparkle more . I checked my tattoos. They weren’t real but I drew them on myself at least twice a week. If I was going to be labeled a freak why not go all-out. My arms and generous chest were covered in black stars , ballerinas , spiders , angels , devils , and a single tombstone with rip Silvia Watson  on the front. She never even commented on my new appearance. I sat on the bed looked at my  computer clock 12:20am. I’ve been sixteen years old  for a twenty-four hours and twenty minutes . No happy birthdays, no friends , no love. I’m irrelevant. I grabbed the bottle of valium and down the pills with a cola chaser. I opened the file on my computer entitled suicide note . It just said “you don’t deserve a note”. I swallowed all the valium with a cola chaser. Finally.  I put on my headphones lay back and let the music take me to my after-life.

“Take me away to brighter days “ from pocket full of sunshine by Natasha Beddingfield

    I open my eyes slowly trying to adjust to the light. After blinking away any discomfort my eyes focus. I’m lying in a large plush bed with white blanket pulled up to my chin. I don’t move yet, I just let my eyes give a quick scan of the room. It’s a white and  sky blue color scheme. Blue had always been my favorite color but for the last two years , I used blacks and browns as my color pallets. Blue had been for happier times.  “Hello?” I say timidly ,no answer, I sit up against the headboard.  The furniture consisted of the bed , a night stand , a tall dresser and a small desk near a window with a large plush chair, the carpet and curtains were a light blue. I have to use the bathroom, so I sit up a look around for a bathroom . I spot three doors connected to the room one is large double doors and two single . I hop up quickly squeezing my legs slightly to avoiding peeing on myself. I pick one of the single doors, Jackpot. I run to the toilet and relieve myself. The room is of course , blue and white and smelled of blueberries mixed with lemon.  Is this some waiting space for heaven or judgement? I  had been convinced of my soul decending straight to hell. I mean I  didn’t exactly live a pure life, and all those religious people saying suicide leads to hell.
  I start searching the room for clues. I pull open the night stand drawer, inside is a small blue portable device , looks like a palm pilot but smaller. I hit buttons at random and the screen lights up, and there is a photo of me on the small screen. Under my picture is  please enter pass code. I enter  3421chris, my usual pass word for everything in life. Not creative but hey its easy to remember . The device buzzes there and icons appear for school, training, publicity /promotional events ,news,  and music. I click the icons all are empty except for the music icon which has random songs with  jazzy beats I’ve never heard. Ok , that was useless. I open the the dresser drawers there are very pretty multi colored bras , under wear, night gowns , and socks . All my size but no clues as to where I am. I lift the lid on a dainty blue jewelry box and see three pairs of small silver hoop earrings . I take out the top shelf of the box and see the most amazing diamond bracelet. The diamonds were bigger than anything I’ve seen including the ones on celebs in US weekly. (Yes, I like gossip mags , sue me ) . I cant resist the temptation I put the bracelet on , perfect fit. Mom would love this bracelet she would say it was very Elizabeth taylor  and snap a picture of me wearing it. Well the old mom would, the new Silvia would take it from me in my sleep and shoot up off the proceeds. I wipe at tears that start to fall, I  should have left a better note , old mom deserved one.
    I walk to the double closet doors and pull them open to reveal more clothes than I every thought could fit in one place. The closet seemed like some kind of illusion, from the outside it seems to be a normal closet but when opened tah-dah it’s a huge walk in a la Jessica Simpson circa Newlyweds season one. Except mine is of course white outlined in blue . There is a tall island in the center , that goes from floor to ceiling,  it spins slowly to reveal shoe after glorious shoe. A secret shoe obsessed part of me cant resist I put on a pair of lime green strappy sandals that lace up the leg. Totally hottt!! I search for a mirror , I cant locate one . “ who has all this great stuff and no mirror” I say to myself. . An  automated voice sounds “ mirror released” next thing I know the shoe rack is lowered into the ground and  replaced by a large full length mirror . I stand in total shocked silence. My refelection reveals that I’m wearing a full white granny night gown , perfectly manicured toe nails and fingertips. My pink and black hair has been replaced with a strawberry blonde , I appear to be wearing false eye-lashes, and the tattoos are gone.  .
    I reach and touch my face , the reflection does the same  , its me for sure. Well at least I’m hot in the afterlife , isn’t there something in the bible about getting glorious bodies? “ahhhh” a woman is yelling  I glance toward the scream , it’s a window I didn’t notice before . I run out the closet to the window and see the most fabulous view in the world. It’s a large yard bright fresh grass multi-colored flowers  I’ve never seen before. The yard then morphes into sand then some sort of lake . It’s like a combination of Laurens yard on Laguna beach and the entrance to the Magic Kingdon. There are three guys and two women at the picnic table talking and laughing, while another man is cooking on some sort of grill. The scream is coming from a slight blonde woman  parasailing with a older man. The woman reminds me of old mom, always afraid of heights but determined to try new things . We once went to the top of the Sears Tower on a trip to Chicago and mom fainted.
Oh god, the people are looking up at me smiling and waving. They look like the picture that comes with a frame. I panic and close the blue silk curtains.  I suddenly get tired and sit on the edge of the bed. Wouldn’t you have boundless energy in heaven? There is a  light careful knock at the door like the person is scared I will cuss them out if they knock too hard like  Mrs. Bates. “Christy?” a male voice is calling .I don’t answer, I mean  we learn in kindergarten not to talk to strangers. Girls should definitely not allow unknown boys into their room . Not that I’m sure this is my room. This could be a temporary resting place, whatever that is. “Christy, I just wanna make sure your, ok. Father has been worried sick” the male voice said. “I brought food up.” As if on cue with the word “food” my stomach growled. What the hell (should I think the word hell here?) I can always deliver a swift kick to the grind if necessary. I opened the door , the guys smile was the friendliest I’ve ever seen , with perfect straight white teeth . He towered above me at about 6’1. He wore matching brown shorts and tank top with mandals. I stepped back slightly and he came in carrying a small tray with a blue rose in a vas. He sat the tray on  the night stand  and grabbed me in a big bear hug. “ Sis , I cant believe your finally here”. He put me back on the floor and stared into my confused eyes. “How are you feeling, you should get back in bed.” He shoved me back toward the bed . “Um , I’m ok “ I say confused still starring at this stranger who apparently thought I was his “sis”.  “Where am I….bro?” I decided to go along with whatever this is , you don’t want to antagonize possible crazies. “Here , sit “ We both sat on the bed , I scooted away a few extra inches in case I needed space to give him a beat down. “Your in Mastix, of course , Dad is gonna be so glad your finally awake. I mean the doctor said you were past any danger , so we deemed today an official day of family”. I looked at the tray of food all grilled veggies including peppers , corn on the cob ,and  spinach. I lift the fork stab at the spinach and eat. I look at my “brother”. I wanted to ask his name but I figured I should know that and not wanting to be kicked out on my ass in some strange place , I just ask. “um where is dad?” , “He’s still parasailing, We saw you at the window and I had to make sure your ok. Dad said the ancestorial planet took a toll on you.” “Don’t worry we will get you back strong”, grabbing her hand said  “Mastix is a planet of  real family, but of course you know that”. I just shifted nervously and my gown twisted awkwardly at the knee. “Is this my room?” He laughed “of course it is, who else would where the dresses in that closet , me and dad?”. I give a fake laugh, ok what I figured from my “brother” is that I must be the only female living in this house and my so-called father parasails while his daughter is sick. Not much to go on.