It's okay to cry Chapter 1

                                                         

Chapter 1

          Off in the distance sits an old rundown doublewide trailer set far  back from the road, all that could be seen was the remnants of rundown cars, trucks, and broken toys littering the yard. The overgrown grass in dire need of mowing almost hid the pile of broken odds and ends that lay on the east side of the house just calling for a curious child to rummage through causing the treacherous pile to crash down, covering their small body. The long narrow driveway was very rarely used by anyone except for the residence who lived there and their friends. No one really knew who resided in that house though it was suspected by the look of it, it had probably been abandoned for months, maybe years. Little did anyone know that within the house live three young children begging for freedom and peace.

              On the morning of June 1st Sandy crawled out of her bed stretched, yawning she rubbed her eyes and got ready to start her day which began at five  AM. Going to the pile of dirty clothes she began picking threw to see what might be the cleanest for her to wear. Her parents never got around to doing laundry so she was made to do with what she had, which was very little. After dressing, she then went to the bathroom to wash up, brush her hair, which was long and blonde with curls going down her back. Once somewhat satisfied with what she saw in the mirror she went out to the porch which was missing boards here and there; careful not to fall through one of the gapping holes or step on one of the protruding nails sticking out from the rotting boards she made her way to the railing to gaze out over the horizon to see what the day looked like, this was one of her best times of the day; it was about her only quiet time to think.

              It was a cool morning, Sandy Mae knew summer was approaching not wanting to think about it, she didn’t want to think about not being in the safety of her school even though she didn’t like her teacher. Mrs. Hall didn’t understand, she didn’t understand why Sandy was often late for school, was often distracted and rarely had her homework. She didn’t understand her at all and she wasn’t about to tell her. Mrs. Hall was an older woman who reminded her of an old worn out tire and as round as one too. She would walk around with her glasses sitting on the tip of her nose, glaring over the top. Her hair was short, stringy and black, her eyes were as dark as her hair, though she didn’t know what color they really were since she very rarely looked into them. She gave Sandy the creeps. Sandy knew summer was coming which also meant her birthday was almost here, she would be turning eleven and counting down the years until she turned old enough to get out of this hellhole they called home.

              After taking her ten minutes to herself she went in and began the rest of her day. Sandy had two siblings and she was responsible for taking care of them. When she entered the kitchen they were already awake. She tried to quietly get them dressed and fed so that she could drop them off at preschool on her way to school. Looking through the stack of dirty dishes she was able to find two bowls and spoons which she rinsed out, not being able to find any dish soap. Going over to the refrigerator she got the big jug of milk out, sniffed it, half the time the milk was bad. Being much wiser then her young years she knew if she gave sour milk to the kids it would make them sick. It smelt okay so she began to pour it into the bowl but as she was pouring the milk into the cereal it got to heavy to hold, leaning it on the side of the bowl she noticed it tipping but it was to late to stop it. The bowl and milk fell to the floor. Fear flashed before her eyes as her brother and sister began to cry, she knew if she didn’t get them quiet her parents would wake up and she would be in trouble. Sandy tried to give them cookies to keep them quiet which worked and then stood silently to see if she could hear anything coming from her parents room, it was quiet so she began to clean up the mess. This was a daily routine for Sandy, a big job for a young girl. “Come on Mandy, let’s get dressed,” she said as she lead her little sister to her room. Mandy and Matt were four year old twins, sometimes a handful but she loved them and took care of them like she was their mother. When she was finished with Mandy she went on to find some clothes for Matt who didn’t have that many to choose from. Mandy was easier because she always got Sandy’s old clothes. “Come on Matt, you need to get dressed” Sandy tried to catch him as he ran around the couch. “Matt, you need to get dressed, come on we need to get to school.” At the word school Matt’s ears perked up, he liked school.
  “Go now!” Matt yelled as he bolted to the door.
  “Shhh, your gonna wake up mom and dad!”
  “School, school, we go to school!” Matt yelled and began to run again,
running right into his father. Sandy’s hand flew to her mouth in shock as she saw her father pick him up by the arm and fling him across the room. Running to the side of her little brother she heard her father howl to leave him be. “The boys fine, I told you to let him be!”
          Ignoring her fathers request Sandy bent down, stroking her brothers straight silky black hair. He lay motionless as she bent down and kissed his cheek.
  “It’s gonna be okay Matt, it’s gonna be okay, you gotta be okay.” She whispered in his ear. Sandy heard a moan come from below and sighed a small relief.
  “You never listen you little brat, it’s you fault, I told you to keep these pukes quiet. This is all your fault ya know!” Sandy looked up her father but didn’t say a word, she only glared at him, helped Matt stand and went to look for Mandy.
  “Mandy, come on Mandy where are you?” Looking around she finally found her huddled in the corner behind her bedroom door. “Come on Mandy, lets go” she said in a sweet motherly voice, “Come on sweetie, time to go to school.” Going over to Mandy she squatted down in front of her brushing her curly blonde hair from the front of her face to reveal her sweet sea colored blue eyes and tearstained face. Wiping the tears from her face, kissing her cheek. “Come on sweetheart, let’s get out of here.” Taking her small hand in hers she lead her out into the living room to where Matt was. Mandy didn’t speak, she learned to speak when she about two but as the fights and violence began, Mandy never spoke again. That was over a year now. Quietly Sandy gathered the children out the door and on their way to school. When they got far enough away from the house she stopped and looked at Matt whom hadn’t said a word. “Matt, you okay?”
  “My arm hurts”
  “Let me see.” Sandy pulled up the sleeve of his shirt where a large bruise was  “Can you move it?” As Matt moved his arm up and down she figured it wasn’t broken. “Let me see it again.” As Matt held out his right arm Sandy bent down and kissed it where the bruise was forming. “I’m sorry sweetie, I’m so very sorry”
  “Why you sorry Sandy, you didn’t do it,” the loving innocence of this sweet boy coming out.
  “I’m sorry because I didn’t protect you, I’m suppose to protect you”

      While they were waiting for the bus Sandy tried to figure out what she  was going to do, she couldn’t let this keep happening, she had to figure out how she was going to protect her brother, but she didn’t know, her dad was so big and her mom didn’t care. Getting on the bus Sandy sat between Mandy and Matt each one with their head resting on her shoulders, it had already been a long day for all of them and it was only seven o’clock. The bus stopped in front of the preschool and they all got off, Sandy walked the kids into their class. “Good morning Miss Janes, how are you today.”
  “Fine thank you, how are you all this morning?” Miss Janes asked kneeling down between Mandy and Matt. As she was helping Matt with his coat she noticed him wince as she touched his arm. “Matt, is your arm okay?” Mrs. Janes asked as she glanced over to Sandy who was helping Mandy with her coat.
  “Yes Ma’am, it okay” Matt said as he went off to play with the toys and other children.
  “Sandy?”
  “Yes Ma’am”
  “Is everything okay” This wasn’t the first time the kids came is looking as if they had just ran the marathon before school, she knew Matt was active, but she suspected more. She had had the twins for two years and remembered when Mandy used to talk but every time she
talked to the parents they always had some excuse. She made a mental note to pay more attention. “Bye Mrs. Janes, see you later”
  “Bye Sandy, have a good day”
Sandy headed down the road and off to school to start her own day feeling as if she had just deflated. She hated being deceitful or avoiding people, she was hoping for the day she could possibly just be happy. Would it ever happen? When Sandy entered her school, getting to class going to her desk she sat down and pulled out her book. Miss Hall was walking around the room glaring at everyone as if someone had just put a tack under her seat, had they, had she missed something? Nope, it was just her daily look.
  “Okay class, pull out your English books and turn to page 125. I want you to do numbers 1 through 75.” Sandy hated the sound of her squeaky, nasally voice. The rest of the class moaned at the thought of all the work, she often went overboard on the assignments. Sandy often didn’t mind though, it gave her an excuse to get absorbed in something else other then worrying about what was going to happen after school. School went by quickly as usual then Sandy went back down to pick up Matt and Mandy, she hoped their day went okay. When she arrived Mandy ran up to giving her a hug, Matt following close behind, Sandy smiled as she bent down to give them both hugs. This always makes her day, the best part of her day. Arriving home Sandy took the kids in and looked for something they could have for a snack but she had given them the last of the cookies this morning. She looked over knowing they were hungry so she began looking through the cupboards. They were running low on food and didn’t know if her parents would be getting more anytime soon. She never could count on them any more, they were beginning to spend more and more time at the bars and partying at friends, if they weren’t sleeping or yelling they weren’t there. Sandy finally after searching found a can of soup she cooked up for the three of them. She would have to ask her mother when she came home to see if she would go shopping to pick up some food. After finishing supper the twins went off to play and she sat down to do her homework. When finished it was almost time to get the twins to bed, she went to check on them. “Mandy, Matt, almost time for bed.” looking in on them she found them already asleep cuddled up on the bedroom floor Matt’s arm protectively around Mandy. Taking the blanket she covered them, kissed them both on the cheek and whispered “good-night, love you” to each of them. Looking down upon them Sandy thought to herself, this isn’t fair, they don’t deserve this. She never thought of herself, always them, they were what was important. It was after midnight when she heard her parents stumble in through the door waking her out of her sleep. Did she dare ask them now about the food or should she wait? If she waited she would have to wake them in the morning before school and she didn’t want to do that.
Crawling out of bed she went out to find them. “Ummm, mom, dad, ahhh, we don’t have no food do you think you can get some?”
    “What do you mean we don’t got not food?” her mom stated,
    “What did you guys eat it all up?”
    “We only had a can of soup for supper mom, the twins need food”
“We’ll get food when we get it, you want food you get it yourself!” her dad shouted and threw her a five dollar bill. Picking it up she looked at it and wondered how she would get enough food with only five dollars, but she thanked him and went back to bed. She didn’t question how she was going to get to the store, it was five miles away. Sandy lay thinking and couldn’t fall back to sleep. The preschool was close to a store, I guess I can go before school. With this plan in mind she drifted off to sleep. Morning came quickly, again Sandy got out of bed and began her routine. This morning there seemed to be a subdued, almost eerie quiet to the house. She went to check on the twins and they were sitting quietly in their room almost in a daze. “Hey there munchkins, good morning” she said as she went over giving each a hug and kiss. Mandy looked up wrapping her little arms around Sandy’s neck, kissing her cheek. Mandy didn‘t have to say anything, she knew what she was telling her. “I love you too sweetie.” “Hey Matt Myster, good morning to you too” giving him a kiss and hugs, Love you.”
    “Love you too Sandy”
    “What’s wrong Matt? Your awfully quiet this morning” This being very unlike the bouncy little boy that was usually running around the house.
    “We go school now?” Matt asked, not even asking for breakfast. He seemed to just want out of the house.
  “Aren’t you hungry”
  “No, we go school now.”
          Sandy knowing something was wrong decided to just get the kids dressed and head out the door as quietly as possible. As she was helping Mandy dress she noticed a large size bruise on her back. “What happened Mandy, what happened to your back?” Sandy turned her around to face her, “What happened, please talk to me sweetie, what happened?” Mandy didn’t say anything as a small tear rolled down her cheek. “Matt, what happened to your sister?” Matt lowered his head and stood quietly. “Come on Matt, what happened?”
Matt slowly looked up and said “Please, we go school now?”
  “We’ll go to school very soon sweetie, but first we need to talk?”
Sandy sat pulling Matt onto her lap. “Can you tell me what happened to Mandy, I wont be mad at you, I promise.”
  “Daddy will be”
  “Daddy will be mad if you tell me” Matt lowed his head then nodded
  “Did daddy do this?”
Again Matt nodded. “Mandy peed the bed lass night”
  “Mandy peed the bed and daddy found out?”
  “Ah huh”
  “What did he do?”
  “Him told her to go back bed then him kick her.” At this he lowered his head again. Sandy told them to stay there and left the room, she went into her parents room with fire in her eyes. She went over to her fathers side of the bed, ripping the covers off, she started hitting him with all she had. She had lost total control, he was so shocked by the time he knew what was happening she had disappeared into the twins room quickly dressing them. Before she had time to finish she heard the banging of her father ordering her to come out. “Get out here now before I break this door down!”

              Hearding the twins into the corner, telling them to sit very quietly she went back to the door to try and prevent him from entering. When the pounding and yelling stopped she then waited to make sure he was gone. When she was just ready to tell Matt and Mandy that it was okay there was another type of banging on the door, it sounded like a hammer. “Oh my God, he is going to break down the door!” Shocked she pushed Matts bed under the window beginning to push Mandy threw and then Matt, she new the drop was only about three feet so she new they would be better off. When Matt safely got out she began to hoist herself up and get out. Just as the hammer broke through the door she swung her feet over and dropped to safety, grabbing both twins arms to rush to the bus.

               After she dropped the twins off at school she began the walk to the store thinking how bad things were getting at home, they had been bad, but not this bad. Now she was going to be late for school, but what else could she do? Going into the store she glanced around to see what the most her five dollars could buy settling on a jar of peanut butter and a loaf of bread. This will have to do, at least it will be something, she thought.

              When she got to class, putting the items into her desk Miss Hall walked over to her and glared down. “Hungry this morning?” Sandy could hear the sarcasm in her voice.
    “Yes Ma’am” was all she could come up with, she was so embarrassed with everyone looking at her, she could hear the snickers from the other kids. Well she thought to herself, at least the kids wont be hungry.

              When she returned home she  made the kids a sandwich, which they were very thrilled with, Sandy then put the bread and peanut butter away and thought back to that morning. Looking around the house she would no longer leave the kids alone, she would eat with them, sleep with them, even go to the bathroom with them, if one went somewhere they all would go, at least while her parents were home. She could see where there was a large size hole in the twins room, large enough for her dad to fit his hand through because the door was now open.

            Only two more weeks until summer Sandy thought, two more weeks until vacation. Sandy should have been pleased about this but she had to much on her mind, the safety of the twins and how she would keep them that way. It was also only two more weeks until her birthday which was almost on the last day of school. What a good birthday present, summer vacation. She thought about what she wanted for her birthday, not that she would get any presents; peace, she thought, my parents to actually be home, sober and in good moods or at least for most of the day, that’s what I want. As the days got longer and the nights warmer she would often take the kids after school and spend until night fall in some nearby field or down by the stream letting them play or telling them stories. She would make sandwiches in the morning for their dinner and enjoyed watching as they waded in and out of the cool running water, splashing and giggling as they should be. Picking a small pink flower from the ground, roots and all Mandy went over giving it to Sandy.
            “Thank you Sunshine“, Sandy wrapped her in her arms smearing kisses on every inch of her face. “Leaning her back a bit she asked, “You know how much I love you? Mandy nodded. “How much?“ With this Mandy stretched her arms out as far as she could.
    “Yes Mandy, that much and more.“
          They spent little time at home. With school wrapping up the twins were excited about the end of the year activities that usually took place. Fun and games were planned as the kids got ready to say good bye for the summer. Sandy wished it would be hello instead.