Perspective and an add-in

I learned a little-long while ago, despite my young age of 16, not to fear Chicago's streets.  For i am nothing like my 'conservative' mother, and i am not outgoing like my father... To be cautious- a stability i've rarely seen reached by my loved- but of which i have aroused in myself.  I've watched the sun as it set over the grand wheel that turns along the skyline.  I am questioning everything and everyone... from the depths of religion to the shapes of the clouds and the reflections in the water.  I feel so aged, yet so inexperienced....  I am tired, my bones are weak.  My senses are alive with the sweetness of serene love that has been awakened by me, and yet i feel lost.  Can one be lost with/in contentment?  For in this life i'm thinking i have everything i need... i have love and it is written in his name; i have friends who pick me up when i am found shamed; and think i have found my calling...  I wish i could say more than said....  But i'm far more curious to know more.  What of others?  Will my friends ever be able to say the same and will my enemies always be as they are.... Who dies tomorrow?  Who lived yesterday?  Perspective tells me we are all the same.... Perspective tells me we're living in dystopia.



Here's an add-in that i have to post here.... um.... i wrote this during diving lessons

I'm standing facing treachery. Though it's so clear, so easy to see into, i still find myself fearing what ever might be beneath it. The idea of being devoured taunts me, and prevents me from continuing further. Call me a coward indeed, yet i blame my imagination for such lackings of action. Onto both sides of me others enter with tensed ease, i observe them in a learning manner. Until at last, my time to enter has come, and i feel it overwhelm me rudely. Breathing becomes hastened, and my stomach fills itself with dancing butterflies that sting with every flap of a lovely wing. And then silence... i hear nothing as i'm speeding towards the flat surface, all serenity halts and prepares for the most tumultous calamity. Nothing matters, no one matters- not even my own being-, there is no feeling and there is no life. And then i hold my breath to only know of my plain heartbeat, now at such a flat peace, before it too- stops. Soon i am engulfed, surrounded while in fear and lingering- to reach the surface. Water penetrates every pore that attempts to fight it off, and i am senseless at the moment but still of mind, to my fortune. Once the surface has been reached i find life indeed exists, as i regain my memory of everything important to me, and recall of my longings- i rise from the cooler depths and saunter back to make preparation for a second dive.

Before i know it there is a place i am unfamiliar to, and there i stand. The calm iridescent sphere struggles to barely hold itself in the deep end of the clouds, and i am crowded by those not of right mind. Poisoned minds by alcohol, whom i ignore, and reach for more in a gaze up at the giant. Repition is it's greatest manner, as it continous it's usual course, round and round on axis... Forcing casted shadows to bend around it's great mechanism, holding many faces, yet all with the same purpose. I am urged forth, but the giant will not stop for me.... in my saddened state in the knowing of his absence, i place myself into one of the many carts of ferris wheel. Two others are with me, but i am alone.

How have i come so far? Risen so high just to look back down and discover a fear of heights?~ i've closed my eyes and sprinted the way... through boundful leaps and the constitution to kill all memories; i live embasced in a peculiar glory, one which cannot be defined. The consequence which surrounds me is one of misfortune.



Oh but there's yet more... this has basically become temporary storage.

I want to hear someone, anyone say it.  Go on, say it, damn me.  Right, a phrase everyone at one time has wanted to say?  A phrase indeed....  But what's more, is how remarkable this is.  So i have been damned but my mind will not linger on it- no- i'm going to look at the heaven currently surrounding me.  It's remarkable how there is this change of emotions, the perspective is such a thing.  There was a falseness to this life, and i rid myself of it- so damn me- and what's more is that now i'm happy.  So yes, damn the smiles- the butterlies whirling in my stomach- damn it all.  I'd say damn, most of so, that i find myself in a situation where i no longer regret.  I've rid myself of guilt, and the fact that i may be damned for it is proven.  I'll still always be there, always thinking what life is for.  Because you don't know, and i don't know... and the unknowing is why i kept this all going in the first place.  Mistakes and misunderstandings are simply remarkable, and i've opened the mind that has been credited for a cruel heart- one mistakes the cruel heart, cannot see that it is wax... cannot see that there is a smile.  Why?  Because, remarkably, we face pity to sadness more than we do the joy of happiness... For i am happy, for i feel relieved, for i feel true in all that i thought was insincere.  Damn me because i don't swim in the guilt others believe i ought to be cursed in...  Damn me because i wished it all away and opened yet another world.  Curse curiousity, curse me for wanting to see beyond the doors spread around me, curse me because i argue the morals which have been set by the peers who dared to label me as 'friend.' Curse this letter because it gave me ability to vent, because ought i restrain everything inside?  Why yes, curse me, for knowing my mind and giving it words to speak.  If you can't hear a soud will the silence drown you too?