Reality and Illustion

It was cold and dark in the room. I sat in a chair and thought about the extra weight that I seemed to have gained, and wondered is this all that I am. The future looked more like struggles and boredom, and I was aging. I felt that aging and wondered about the future. These thoughts saddened me.

I sat up in the chair and closed my eyes and thought, “who am I”. I am not good at meditation, but I occasionally try, and I tried this day. Clearing my mind, and asking the question, the answer that came back to me was “Not this.” An image of me sitting in the chair was with the “not this” answer.

I thought, “if not this, then what.” My mind was still, which is not a normal condition. I envisioned a light far off, peering through the blackness. While it was white, it was not intense and I could stare at it clearly, like a flashlight in a dark night. I concentrated on the light and it got bigger. I don’t know if I was moving to the light or it was moving to me, but it got bigger quickly. I felt suspended in space, wrapped in a fog, but the light was getting larger. It was still white, and still not intense. I had no eyes to protect, and felt no heat or pain as the light neared. I was not frightened. I could see rays of light shooting out, it was expanding in every direction as it got closer. Below me, I became aware of the clouds of cold black fog dissipated and retreated from the coming of the light. It was like a wind blowing away the fog suddenly, only there was no wind, only the light. Below the fog a city was revealed. As far as I could see, there was light, fog and city. It’s large buildings soared to the light, and it reflected the light back in yellow like gold such that it looked more of an outline with most of its features indistinguishable because of the light. The gold turned to white and the city too was dissolving in the light. I was suspended over the city, waiting on the light, being bathed by its whiteness, but feeling no harm and no discomfort. I had no form hovering there, just awareness.

As the light got closer, I was enveloped and became part of the light, and the shadow of a body that I could now see sitting in the chair disappeared in the joy and energy of the light. No wind, no heat, just a beingness. I felt the joy, a happiness without reservation. I don’t know how to describe it, as it was really just a state of being. No physical awareness, just joyfulness. I still had a mental awareness of self though, or I might never had returned. I was being drawn to the light’s center. The city and all that I was aware of had melted in the light, disappearing as had the black and cold fog of fear that had hovered over us all. All that was left, was the light.

In truth, I knew then I am a part of that light, which is all of us. This is a knowingness, not an “I think so”. Perhaps this is what faith is. This is our eternal reality. This body that brings me back to the land of fear is in reality an illusion of what I am, of what we all are. I could not stay in the joy of the light, and didn’t get to the center, which is where my being is. My mind, thinking on the beingness of the light, hurled me back in an instant and the illusion of the dark room once again became my reality, and I was sitting in the chair. It was cold and dark and I was still overweight, but now I could smile, and it didn’t seem as cold. I had seen a glimpse of the forever future, which in some way has to be part of the forever present to truly be eternal, and the future was looking up.