Men are Very Touchy

Men are very touchy about the idea of being compared to a sexual abuser. They can't see the parallel between what a grown man does to a child and what a man can do to a woman. My husband won't acknowledge that, either. I think that they just look at us as adults and don't see that in some ways the abuse we suffered as children makes us much more vulnerable and fragile than the average adult woman. But it's two-edged. If we hadn't been abused, we probably would not have allowed the abuse we've suffered as adults. Even if we stay with the same men, if we hadn’t been abused as children, we could build healthier relationships because we could enforce our own boundaries.

Your husband has done some shitty things for years, but you haven't stopped him and told him where to shove it. No one will protect you except yourself. He will need to understand the damage he has done to your relationship and take responsibility for it, but you need to set those boundaries and enforce them from this point on. It should be that you can trust a husband to protect you, but I've seen very few - okay, no - marriages where that is the case. It always seems that people will take as much as you allow them to. We can cringe in a corner waiting for our mommies to come rescue us. She didn't back then, and she won't now. We need to mother ourselves.

The fact that your husband has taken as much advantage of you as he could isn't to say he's a terrible person. I think we all have a little monster inside us that will take any advantage that we can. I saw it in myself when my foster daughter lived with us. She was so cringing and didn't connect well with people and I had to work so hard sometimes to not treat her as if I was the wicked stepmother. It's as if she invited abuse. But I knew it wasn't her fault. It's not your fault that you allowed your husband to continue abusing you. It's your father's fault. But we were programmed to accept and even invite abuse, and we chose husbands who could accommodate us. But that doesn't put your husband or my ex-husband on the same level as your dad. I think that is what your husband is objecting to. To be compared to a man that orally raped his own daughter is a bit harsh. If you had never actually been abused sexually, but you had the same personality because of the mental abuse from your dad and the neglect by your mom, then you could say that your husband was like your dad, and that's accurate, maybe. But your husband has never beat your son, or raped your daughter. And he can't see the parallel between himself and your father or he'd probably never be able to stay with you. It's probably not a good point to press. It definitely will not add to the health of your marriage.

If you have to have your husband admit he's abusive in order to continue in this marriage, you might need to walk away. He was being a man. Men are domineering and will develop a pecking order. They are aggressive and will rule over their households in any way they can, if we don't stand up to them. Not all, of course, but as a rule. I notice it in even really “nice” guys when I see them with their wives. And I see the wives shrinking in, almost imperceptively. Even with wives who are crazy over their husbands and think they have a great marriage. Abuse aside, our cultural conditioning almost forces us into that role.

And even without any abuse of any kind in your childhood, I think your and your husband's marriage would have followed a similar course. The few women that I have seen who don't shrink when their husbands approach are usually older women that seem to have worked through all this stuff and got tired of putting up with the bullshit and called their husband's bluff. It's a game that takes two to play. If you don't play, he eventually has to readjust to the new rules or leave. You need to empower yourself and quit waiting for a knight in shining armor to ride up and save you. If you work on building a healthy marriage and not just revenging yourself on people who have hurt you and force acknowledgments of guilt, then you have a shot at being happy.

You can't change your husband. You can only change yourself, and ask your husband to join you. He is just as clueless as we are. He has no real role model for a healthy relationship. He's just as programmed as we are. And his way of relating is not healthy, but he can make a choice to change, the same as you. Give him the benefit of the doubt and try to look at him as an abuse survivor, too. You know that many of his responses are things he learned growing up.

I'm a terrible parent sometimes, and so sarcastic and harsh. Do you think I'm a terrible person? I know you don't. But I learned some crappy parenting techniques. So did your husband.

I'm not telling you this in defense of your husband. I'm saying this because I don't want you to go through what I've been through. You don't empower yourself by running away or attacking your husband. You empower yourself by standing up for yourself and your needs, without hurting others. Make a safe place for yourself. Don't apologize for it. You deserve it. And try to forgive your husband for your sake. Then do what you need to do to not allow yourself to continue in the same unhealthy patterns.

In counseling, you don't need for your husband to acknowledge what he did as much as you need to do the same thing we learned in group counseling. Find the unhealthy patterns that you developed in your marriage and decide what you don't need now. You can discuss this with your husband and just let him know without beating him over the head.

For example: Let him know that his behavior when you go out to eat and he acts like a spoiled two year old isn't acceptable (You may not want to state it that way:) Then decide what your response will be now. How will you deal with it? Leave? Change tables? Ask him to leave? You don't need to accept embarrassment for his behavior. He's an adult. If he acts like an asshole he's the one who looks stupid. You may have to go through one or two scenes, but keep your calm and let him perform for the crowd. The less you allow yourself to be affected by his behavior, the dumber he'll look and probably feel.

I know this may sound harsh, but I'm going through the same thing that you are right now, so I'm writing to both of us. I can continue looking back at the damage and beat my husband over the head with it, or I can choose to be happy despite the past. I'm really angry sometimes lately, but I can't stay there. It rips me up. And I can see the unhealthy dependence I have on him for my happiness. I need counseling, too. It's hard to change those "damsel in distress" victimization habits. I'm just so damn good at it!