On Drowning

Did you know that it doesn't hurt to drowned?

I do.

I remember.

When I was 3, my daddy took us all camping and fishing with him. I remember Momma, me, and my little sister, Lisa. I don't remember which lake we were at, but I remember the muddy water...a reddish brown that you could barely see your hand through.

My uncle Barney was getting into the flat-bottomed fishing boat to get back to the thing that drew them here...fishing, of course. My momma and my aunt Dorothy, daddy's sister, were on the shore...the lake was up, I think. My sister, who was about 1 year old, sat upon my daddy's shoulders, waving her arms as her dark hair curled in a cupie doll curl on the top of her head. Daddy waded into the water, and I waded in right beside him.

Daddy seemed like a giant to me back then, of course. He was 6 feet tall and built like the Taurus he was. His red hair and beard used to make me think of some wild Viking, but most people thought he resembled a hard-assed biker from Hell's Angels...(I don't know if he ever road a motorcycle in his life...I never saw him on one.) He seemed strong and invincible to me at that point. Wherever he went, I tried to go.

As Daddy moved a little deeper into the lake, again I was right beside him. As I stood beside him, he took one more step into the water, and I was chest high in the water beside him. The clay beneath my feet was slippery, and where I stood had more slant than where Daddy stood. I watched as he turned to say something to Momma or Aunt Dorothy. As I watched him turn, I began to slide gradually deeper into the muddy water. I thought nothing of it...I looked around me...curious.

As my head slipped beneath the water, I continued to breath in and out, not knowing that death lingered near. I remember seeing the minnows slimming by, darting as I reached for them in the water. A small pet-sized snapping turtle swam within my grasp, but also dodged my little hands.

I could barely see Daddy through the water when he turned to look for me...Momma had screamed. I think Daddy threw Lisa to my mom, but the memory is not that clear.

Then everything began to turn black around the edges. The blackness came quickly, and for a while I must tell you what was told to me.

Momma said that when she saw me, one minute I was right there beside Daddy and the next my head had slipped below the surface. She could then only see my hands waving above the surface...And she screamed and ran to the shore.

Daddy said that one minute, I was right there beside him, but by the time he had thrown Lisa to Momma and turned back towards me, he could barely see my hands below the surface. I was sliding quickly into the deep. He grabbed me by the one hand he could see, and held my limp body above the surface. He thought for certain I was dead. He carried me to the shore...but he did not lay me down there. He held me upside down, and the water began to pour from me.

The next thing I remember was the burning as the water poured from my mouth and nose...I was gagging as the water poured forth from my body, wracked with spasms as I became conscious once more...I could feel Daddy's iron hands grasping my ankles painfully as he tried an act of desperation. When I actually began to gag on the water, he turned me right side up and held me across his arm, and I threw up the muddy water as my throat got more raw and my nose burned from it. ( I abhor getting sick stomach bugs because I relive this memory each time)

The rest is hazy for me, but my parents said I had nightmares for a while...saying, "Don't let the fishies get me." Momma said that I was also fearful of the "little fishies" when my dad forced me to face my fear of the water and go back in right after my near drowning. I don't remember this. I don't remember ever being afraid of the fish. I do remember seeing them swimming in front of my face, though.

I was 14 before my parents let me try to swim without a life jacket. Well, actually I just took it off and held it beside me so that from a distance they thought I had it on. Daddy finally caught me swimming like that and told me to give him the life jacket. Then he taught me how to swim underwater, so that I would never be afraid should my head dip below the surface. I am not the strongest swimmer, and my form is horrible. But I am not afraid of slipping below the surface.

I am not afraid of drowning, though I do not seek it. I know that breathing water in and out does not hurt. Holding your breath does. So when it is time, I will not hold my breath as death comes. No matter in what form...I will breath in...and out.