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Obama Chooses Aspirin
Washington D.C.

Under pressure from several medical professionals and pundits, Barack Obama admitted that he chose to use Bayer Aspirin instead of Tylenol or Ibuprofen yesterday afternoon, during a ride from Air Force One to a speech in Elkhart, Indiana. The revelation has drawn sharply different reaction from leaders in Congress.

“This is a brilliant move that represents the kind of change Americans voted for,” said Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader. "For eight years we've seen the president use Tylenol or Advil or other forms of medicine pushed upon us by corporate America."

But that’s not the way Mitch McConnell, minority leader in the Senate, sees it. “This is yet another pattern in a whole series of blunders by this administration. Not only will it weaken our attempts to protect the American people, but it also could lead to a government takeover of the pharmaceutical industry.”

"Look," said John Boehner, Minority Leader of the house. "This has the American people scared. If we have to take an aspirin every time we have a headache, some estimates have shown this could cost up to $1700 per year."

And, according to representative Charles Boustany, who is a doctor, "This is based on claims that are simply not real. It's all in his head. And as far as I'm concerned, there's no proof that aspirin actually cures a headache."

Robert Gibbs, White House spokesperson, tried to downplay the story. “We’re not indicating that we prefer aspirin over other forms of pain medication," he said in a scheduled press briefing about something else important. "We’re just saying that when there’s a headache, Obama asks if anybody has any aspirin. Bayer just happened to be the brand that we found in the glove compartment of the limo.”

Yet the move drew praise from the democrats. “Brilliant, just brilliant,” said Nancy Pelosi at a $2000 per plate dinner to raise money for parents of loud children. "And we are not going to stop there. If aspirin is good enough for those of us in Washington, it's good enough for all Americans, including these parents."

“I’d have to say that if I were president, and I had a headache, I couldn’t have made a better decision,” said Hillary Clinton, who was questioned by Maria Shriver outside her husband’s office.

“Hell, I have a headache right now,” quipped Bill Clinton. “And I want an aspirin, though a back rub from you would be just as effective.”

Yet not all democrats are as positive. "I have created a six person panel to study the issue," said Max Baucus at a $5000 per plate dinner to raise money for The Hickory Nuts, a community organizing group based in Montana. "We are thinking about feeding aspirin, tylenol, alleve, and of course advil to rats, to see which one alleviates headaches the most." But when a reporter asked about Alleve's contributions to Baucus' last senatorial campaign, the senator replied very tersely "I didn't say alleviate. I said mitigate."

“This isn’t the end of this story,” writes Bill Crystal in the Weekly Standard. “This one has legs.” The article goes on to point out that we have the best healthcare system in the world. “Sure it isn’t perfect, but I worry that within five years every person with a headache will be required to take an aspirin. Maybe even two.”

Meanwhile, it was evident that the White House didn’t expect the uproar that this decision has caused. The majority of the questions in the press room centered around the story. “Look,” said Robert Gibbs. “He could have used Tylenol or Advil or any of the medicines readily available to the American People. He just happened to ask for aspirin." And when Britt Hume of Fox News asked if the aspirin came from Communist Cuba, Gibbs grew a little testy. "No, we don't know where the aspirin came from. And again, we're not partial to any one form of medication. As long as it is effective. Had somebody offered him some other form of pain relief, he would have gladly accepted it.”

And as he cut the press meeting short, Gibbs added “and if it means anything to anybody, he no longer has that headache.”

“Questions need to be asked,” Rush Limbaugh is quoted to have said in today’s radio show. “And though I don’t readily have proof, it’s rumored that Gibbs actually popped a couple of aspirin as he left the press briefing. You know how they are though, we'll never be able to prove that, nor will we be able to prove whether the aspirin came from Cuba or not. They're good at covering their tracks. But the American people are going to soundly reject this. We want headaches, and we want them now!”

Limbaugh isn’t the only talk show host that is pushing for an investigation. “You have to read between the lines,” says Sean Hannity. “How many times have you seen atheists and child molesters use aspirin? Hundreds. How many times have you asked for a Tylenol and were given an aspirin? Hundreds. This is just one more way the government is going to take over your life. Next thing you know, you won’t even be allowed to get a headache.”

Thousands of angry citizens poured into a twenty-seat waiting room of St. John’s hospital in New York City, demanding Tylenol and Advil. And when the hospital administrators asked them if they had insurance, they began chanting: “We want a headache. We want a headache. We want a headache.”