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Artist rendition of Conrad "Two Head" Winsome

Two-Headed Child Becomes Millionaire

Virulent Chemical Corporation Settles Out of Court

By Sally Sultry

Needling Press



          GRUBBINGTON - A sleepy little town in the heart of Georgia received a shock five years ago when a chemical dumping site was found near Taint Basin. Located in the Grubbington Hills area, the Basin serves as the town's primary water source. Locals were outraged to learn that Virulent Chemical Corporation (VCC) had decided to make the name Taint Basin into a description more than a title!

          The effects of the toxic chemicals being released into Grubbington’s water supply has allegedly caused a number of strange deformations amongst its residents. One Eleanor Spot, whose hair has turned a startling shade of violet, had a great deal to say about this scandal and VCC’s participation in the illegal dumping.

          “Jus’ look what they done to mah beautiful hair! If mah Pappy were alive tuh-day he‘da stood up in his grave and flipped that ol‘ Virbulen Chemical Core the bird! I don’ care what that Chemical Core says, mah hair wouldn’ta turned this coluh on it’s own!” She stopped for a moment before continuing, “Atleas’ I don’ think so!”

          Many of her neighbors feel the same way. Or at least they think they do. One such neighbor is Ms. Janice Winsome, whose 10 year old son, Conrad, has been dubbed ‘Two-Head’ by his classmates. Sadly, young Two-Head has been bathing, drinking and gargling this poisoned water for half of his life, and it has caused a drastic change in his appearance. He now has a head-sized, benign tumor growing from his neck. The bumpy skin looks so much like a face that this reporter expected head number two to wink at her! When questioned, the boy’s second head did not respond. His first, however, had this to say:

          “Mah friends hurt mah feelin’s a lot at school. We sued VCC for emo-shun damage! I could get mah tumah removed, but Mama won’ lemme.”

          When questioned about the possibility of getting the tumor removed, Ms. Winsome said that if God wanted him to have the tumor she was not going to have it removed. She was then asked why they weren’t suing Him instead of VCC. The response was an icy glare.

          Ms. Winsome began the process of suing VCC six months before the matter was settled out of court for an undisclosed sum. Winsome claimed that she could not recall the exact sum, a statement that this reporter is inclined to believe. VCC representative, Kurt Savage, stated in a press release early Monday morning that the rumors of a million dollar settlement were ludicrous. He commented further, saying only that the Winsomes got “enough bread to feed both heads for a few years”.

          Our sources, however, put the figure at nearly $1.2 million, making Conrad the richest two-headed person alive. When asked what he planned to do with his money, Two-Head responded, “I dunno. Is that enough fuh a new bike?”

          According to our sources, yes.

See TWO-HEAD | Page 12