Shadowy love

Shadowy love

By Aya Harris



Ayame

         Though it was dawn and half the orphan kids were already awake, I decided to stay in bed this time for the opening of the family time. Where people who wants kids come here to check all of us out to see which ones get sent to a loving home and which ones get to stay here. I turn over in bed and listen to the laughter of kids outside playing and running around with their name tags and dresses. As for the boys the same but with formal pants on. I have been here for almost 16 years old my life and I have yet to find a family that is right for me. I was told that my parents didn’t want me or didn’t know how to take care of me. I believed otherwise. I was told that by the people that run this very orphanage; Ms. Akako and Mr. Fumie. They told me a lot of things about my parents and at a certain age range I believed them, but now I do not.

         I hear someone coming up the stairs, I jump out of bed and try and find my clothes, “Ayame, are you dressed yet?” It was Ms. Akako and she was already in the room when she asked the question, I was thinking to myself why did she come and ask? I could have been naked. I am now wearing my gothic skirt which is red with black stripes and my black low cut shirt that shows some of my stomach. “This is not the kind of dressing that will get you a good family.” Ms. Akako assured me. I looked down at what I was wearing, I sat on my bed and put my black combat boots on and stood back up. I always wore a black, wrist band with a skull on it. I shrugged my shoulders and put my name tag on and went to join the other kids outside playing after I grabbed my journal and tucked it in the edge of my skirt. I know that Ms. Akako was shaking her head because I always wore nothing but black and red sometimes. But this was how I dressed.

         As I went out side I looked around at the smaller kids playing around with other kids and some adults thinking about adopting more then one kid. I went to the big apple tree, in the shade and sat down. I didn’t want to be bothered by anyone or anything. I just always wanted to be left alone for some kind of odd reason. I opened my journal and began writing. The noises coming from the kids playing and some of the teenagers talking was aggravating to me. Suddenly, a shadow blocks the sun shifting my way, I look up to see a boy no older then 13 years old looking straight at me. I did not say anything I just kind of stared back at him. “Hey, my name is Lukus, what’s yours?” I did not answer because I knew that being rude would make them go a way. I just went back to writing in my journal, I let my long brown hair fall into my face. I glanced up, and he was still standing there looking dead at me. “My name is Ayame.” I finally tell him hoping that he would leave me alone, but boy was I wrong. Instead the boy went and got his parents. “These are my parents, Jane and Fred Ballard.” I am sure that the boy was just misunderstood about what I had done. “How do you do?” Jane Ballard said. “You dress much like my son only today we made him wear acceptable clothes.” Fred said roughing up his son’s hair. The boy flinches.

         “I am not adoptable.” I lie to them wanting them to leave me alone. “Oh dear. Why not?” The mother of the boy asks. “Because I have....very many problems and I contain lots of medication. I don’t think you all are millionaires or something.” I chuckle on the inside, and they answer, “We are actually and our son here is getting bored with his toys and needs a playmate.” The father of the boy said speaking matter of fact-ly. I look up at them and close my journal then stand up. “Maybe if we talk with the managers of the orphanage they could let us take you no matter how much your medication costs.” I made a face and knew that lie was a bad idea. “Okay, the truth. I do not want to be adopted because I want to stay here.” The parents were appalled by my lie I could see it in their faces. With that being said I went back inside even though the family day was not over and went back up to my room.

         I was a little upset that I had to tell the truth, because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings but I figured if I stayed here that I could find out what really happened to my parents. As I walked passed the office I heard the same parents mentioning my name which made me stop.

         “Oh yes. Ayame. She is a fine girl very bright for her age as well. She has nothing wrong with her. But every since her parents just dropped her off here she has been so intent on finding out what really happened to them. But, I am sure she would love a new family instead of trying to find out what happened to her own mother and father.” then I heard the boy’s mother say, “That would be great I am sure that Lukus here will be happy to have an older sister now. But, is the girl any trouble?” Ms. Akako answered, “not that I know of. But she likes to stay to herself sometimes and she does not really talk to anyone here. But other then that no not at all. She is really an angel.”

         After hearing enough, I went straight to my room and sat down on my bed thinking why did they not consult me and asked me what I wanted instead of just sitting there and talking to me? Maybe its because I am the child, I am sure they will love to use that line. I fold my arms and lay back on my bed. While looking up the ceiling, I hear someone at the door this time a knock. “Come in.” Once again it was Ms. Akako, “Ayame, you have been adopted by the Ballard family.” The family comes in and I lightly groans. But, knowing that I could not get out of this I silently pack my stuff while they wait for me in the car and the boy stayed with me talking non-stop about how much fun it will be to finally have someone to play with and share his toys with.

         

         The next thing I knew I was leaving my only place of real safety and entering a home I knew nothing about. The mother then turned and asked, “So, what do you like to eat?” I shrugged and looked out the window. We were in the city where the rich people lived and the houses were huge mansions. My eyes widen in surprise, I knew there had to be some kind of catch to all of this. After a 30 minute drive we finally pull up at a mansion that was just as big asa all the others I had seen on the way here. I got out and got my bags from the trunk and carried them inside. Once I was in side the mansion, I looked up at the ceiling with had nothing but paintings of angels on it. Every thing was so huge and so nice, nothing but black and white leather sofas, couches, and chairs in the livingroom.

         Jane Ballard stood by me looking at everything as well, “Its nice is it not?” she asked me putting her bony hand on my shoulder. “Now, I will not feel so lonely being the only girl in the house.” She then walked off. I stood there trying to gather my thoughts then went to go find my room. The boy was ahead of me I guess leading me to my room, he then stopped at a black, wooden door. “This is your room.” He opens the door and I looked in the room. It was so dirty that I did not want to even look at it. The boy snickered evilly and went further down the hallway. I peeked in the room again and it looked like it was too much to clean. I walked in and put my bags down my the door. Somehow I knew that they would give me the dirty room, or the smallest room in the house. The dirty room was not small at all it was huge with all kinds of things in it. I closed the door and got the cleaning up and dusting the room. While putting things away I found some black and red paint and I started painting my room’s walls black and red in a pattern. When the room was all cleaned up, I sat down on my bed and sighed very tired now.

         “KIDS DINNER.” Fred Ballard yelled, as I opened the door the boy came running down the hallway and nearly knocked me over. I did not say anything because my temper was bad. I just calmly walked down the stairs and sat at the second to last chair. Jane Ballard was serving dinner and then sat down. “So, Ayame what kind of schooling do you have?” Mrs. Ballard asked cutting up her spaghetti noodles. “I am a junior in high school. I read a lot.” I didn’t really like being asked questions and having to answer the questions, but once again I must be respectful to my new parents. I look at the food and do not eat what was in front of me. “Are you not hungry Ayame?” Mr. Ballard asked me. I shake my head, “I do not eat much.” I look down my hair falling into my eyes. My new parents lean into each other and whisper something each other, something that I could not hear. And I have pretty good hearing. They then sit up straight, “we saw that you cleaned up that room.” Mrs. Ballard mentions to me. I look up my hair still in my face and nod. “Yes, I did. Lukus told me that it was my room.” Mr. Ballard looks at his son and demands, “you are on punishment for 3 months.” Lukus gets this what did I do look on his face, “But dad..” “No, buts son, we told you not to put her in the room because it was filthy and to take her to the room next to your room. But, you did not do as you were told and no more desert for the months that you are grounded.” Lukus groans and runs upstairs to his room.

         After dinner Mrs. Ballard shows me my actual room which is the room right next to Lukus’s room. The room was covered in pink, so much pink that it could have blinded me. I walk in to my new room and look around. My bed had a pink blanket and everything was pink just to shorten what the room look like. I looked and I saw a desk and a laptop, I go to it and gasps, “is this for me?” Mrs. Ballard nods, “yes this is all for you. I mean I am sure you would not want the toys that Lukus has.” Mrs. Ballard closes the door silently as I get on the computer and update everything on it. After that there was a knock on my door and I am still on the computer trying to figure some things out on it. “Come in.” It was Lukus, he comes in and sits on my bed. I turn to him to see what he wants. “I am sorry that I gave you the wrong room.” He did not look like he meant the apology I was thinking about being a total bitch to him and saying that I did not accept the apology, but I did not. “I accept your apology,” I told him and turned back to my laptop, he was still sitting on the bed. “Oh ok.” He looks around, “you know that this room was going to my baby sister’s room. That is why its so pink.” I turn back around, “Baby sister?” Lukus covers his mouth, “Mama did not want me to say anything to you about that.” I look around the room and it did look like some baby characters were painting over them. Lukus then left my room and closed the door.

         It was night time and like always I can not go to sleep. I spent my time looking about the room and thinking about what Lukus had said earlier. I sit up in my new bed and look out the window to see a figure lurking around. I quickly put on my robe,  I silently go downstairs and slip out th back door. I am outside in the backyard which is huge. I quietly follow the person and the figure stops at my bedroom window, I jump from the spot I was hiding and attacked the person knocking the person to the ground. “Ow...” I look at the person to find out it was a guy. “What are you doing lurking around this house?” The person answered, “I am always walking around this way at night, I don’t have anything better to do.” I get up and brush off my robe and let the person get up. The backyard sensor light comes on and I got to see his face. He was a cutie. His black hair fell in his dark brown eyes, and his attractive face. “You must be the new kid the Ballard’s adopted today?” he asked me. I nod my head and close up my robe.

         He looks me up and down, “I don’t think that pink is your color. I think,” he looks at my robe, “Black is more your color. My name is Toshiro Pentz. I live across the street from the Ballards.” we walked around to his front porch and sat down on the white lawn chairs and matching table. “So, what is it like in the orphanage?” Toshiro asked me. I looked up at the stars, “its wild and I did not really talk to anyone. But there was all kinds of kids there and teenagers. We get schooled depending on our grades.” I looked at him. “Wow. Sounds like they treated you well.” “They did. We got fed, but I don’t eat much.” He looks at me and his eyes got intense, “neither do I. I mean my parents they make me eat but some times I just stay in my room til you know nights like this. Where the breeze is cool and the moon is out and bright. Its nice here.” I smile and look back up at the stars, “So, what can you tell me about the Ballards?” Toshiro looks at me but I still look up at the stars, “well they lost their daughter about a few years ago, she was only 2 months old. But, she was kidnap in the dead of night and killed. No one knows who did it. Ever since then Mrs. Ballard has been really shook up about it and still won’t let it go.” I look at the ground, “oh wow.” “The father, he is pretty fed up with the fact that his daughter is gone, but that his wife won’t stop. But, I understand having to lose a family member. I recently lost my older brother during a shoot out last year down in Shady woods.” “I’m sorry about that.” Toshiro shakes his head, “no its okay, every now and again I think about him, but not too much.”

         We sat there and talked til the sun came up. He told me about himself, how he is also a junior and that he hopes we will be attending the same classes. He also told me about how his family is rich and is just living here; til the sun came up. I stand up and look at my clothes, “I gotta to go change and later I will be back outside.” Toshiro smiles and nods. I run into the house and up the stairs then in my room to only find my foster mom waiting for me on my bed. “Hey, mom. I was just about to get some clothes on and...” I knew my new mom was kind of mad but I don’t know what for. “What is wrong?” I asked her as I searched for my clothes. “Where have you been all night?” She asked me. “I was at Toshiro’s all night talking to him. He is so sweet.” I turned around and she was right up on me; in my face.

         “Why didn’t you tell me that you were leaving the house?” I look up at Mrs. Ballard and wondered if she was really serious, “Well, it was three in the morning and I did not want to wake you or Mr. Ballard.” She starts laughing hard. “Why are you still calling us by our last names, dear? We are a family now, you should call us mom and dad.” I had this look on my face, but I am sure that she did not see this cause her eyes were closed when she was laughing. “Well I don’t feel comfortable calling you or Mr. Ballard mom or dad just yet.” I pull out my black dress and black combat boots from out of the closet and get dressed. “You are not going back over there are you?” I look at my new mom and answer, “yes I told him that I would be right back. After I got dressed properly.” after I laced up my boots I stand up. “There boy; Toshiro is a fine boy and is one of the best in his class but his brother, whew, he was different. Always running with the wrong people. Dealing drugs.” Mrs. Ballard shakes her head in disappointment for Toshiro’s older brother. “Well, his brother is dead now and he is broken up about it still.” I walk pass her and got outside to only see Toshiro waiting for me out on the front porch.

         “Hey,” I said to Toshiro as I sat beside him on the porch. “Did it take you that long to get changed?” he asked me smiling, his smile as so beautiful. “My new mom was asking me all kinds of questions as to where I was late last night.” Toshiro shakes his head, “I do not think she likes me very much. I am surprised that she is even letting you talk to me.” I look at him so confused. “She does like you, I think it was your brother she didn’t like all to much.” Toshiro smiles and looks at me, “Really?” “Yea, we were just talking about you and your brother. Did he really deal drugs?” Toshiro looks down kind of ashamed, “yes, he did. But, only because our parents were having some problems with work paying them and he was the only reason me and my younger sister got fed.” Toshiro shakes his head not really knowing if he should talk about how his brother died, the full story. “If you do not want to talk about it, I understand.” Toshiro looks up and tries not to cry, “I just don’t understand how that could have happened to him. I mean it was like one moment he was there and the next he was laying on the ground shot.” Toshiro eyes swell up in tears, I have never seen a guy cry before. Just as he was about to tell me what happened, my new mom came outside fully dressed in prissy clothing that was all pink. “Oh Ayame, come along dear. We are going to spend some girls day out.” I stand up and Toshiro stands as well. “But, I don’t do shopping, Mrs. Ballard.” “Well, you will come with me anyways.” She takes my hand like a 3 year old child and leads me to the car. I sadly wave bye to Toshiro and get in the front seat.

         

         While driving in the car, I look out the window and thinks about Toshiro and his brother. “So, I see that you are getting friendly with Toshiro.” I look at my new mom, “I guess so. I mean he is really nice to me and he seems to be really interesting.” Mrs. Ballard smiles while driving, “you know around here things are different.” I did not understand what she meant and I guess she knew that by my silence. “What do you mean by that?” “Well, when you turn 18 years old, you have to get married and move out.” My mouth dropped and I was shocked by the sudden confusion. “What? Why?” “Because I and my husband think that you should been have gone through everything and you are all grown up. And ready to go out into the world.” I was not up for getting married when I was not ready. “But, is it like that all over this town?” “Why, yes it is Ayame. We all live by that code and only that. Because it is what we do here.” My mouth was open and I closed it and looked down thinking, oh my god why would they do that? These people are not human. “What if I don’t want to get married?” Mrs. Ballard chuckles as she made a left turn on Wayword street. “There is no ‘what if’ you have to get married and the thing is that I pick the guy for you.” I was not ready for this I wanted to badly go back to the orphanage at least there no one would force me to marry anyone. I looked out of the window and saw little kids playing at a playground. So young not knowing what ly ahead of them. Enjoy it well you can, when you get into your teenage years it will be sudden hell.

         We then made another left turn at Darey Dr and ended up at the mall. She parked and got out, I got out to and looked at the mall. When I went in side I did not understand why people would want to hang out here, there were all kinds of teenagers here. As I walked around my new mom advised me to stay with her so I did. But, then I walked into a goth store called Black Out. There I saw goth teenagers and some little kids who were just looking at the clothes. A girl about my age came up to me, she was my height and wearing a lot of black make up. “Hey, I am Shea Shelley.” “I am Ayame. I was just adopted by the Ballards.” Shea’s eyes grew wide, “Wow,” she says, “I do not understand, but I guess she has to get over her daughter dying and all.” She searches through the goth clothes; black pants with chains. “Yea I guess so.” I look with her. “So, do you know Toshiro?” I ask her hoping that she could tell me some things about him. “Oh yea everyone knows him. He is a straight A student and is into sports. I think he lives across from the Ballard’s.” “Yeah, I caught him lurking around at night in the backyard.” “Oh yea, he has problems sleeping ever since his brother died. It was such a tragedy for Toshiro. He has not been able to sleep since then.” I nod my head knowing the feeling to lose someone and not be able to sleep at all for 6 years. “Yea he told me about it. Well just the basics.” “He actually spoke about it to you?” Shea seemed shocked about it. 

         “Well, sort of. He was going to until my new mom came and made me come here.” Shea laughs, “wow, he never really talks about it. I am surprised that he has taking a liking to you that quickly.” “Well, I tackled him to the ground, sat with him, and talked til the sun came up.” Shea looked a little off, “Well, I wonder why he wanted to talk to about it instead of the therapist that his parents hired for him.”









         Toshiro

         I knew talking to Ayame would help me, I sensed that she had been through the same thing I have. But, she lost her parents. I went back inside my mansion and was greeted by my parents and my therapist; Mr. Devon. He has been my head doctor for a year now. I don’t like talking to him because he makes everything seem like it was my fault. About how I could have gotten out of the car to save my brother. Or how I could have talked him out of going. There were all kinds of theories he made up for it to make it look like it was my fault. It was bad enough that I watched him get shot and then for this guy to tell me it was my fault. Like I was holding the gun in my hand. I sat down by my mom and waited. My mom then said, “”Toshiro, the doctor says that you are not making any progress.” I wanted to curse the doctor out but I knew that was not my place to do so. So I just nodded and agreed with my mom, then she asked, “why not, son? I mean he is the best there is?” I shrug my shoulders, I have not told mom why the doctor is lying to her. Because I knew that she would not believe what I said.

         Mr. Devon looked at me and smiled while my mother was not looking. He had this smug look on his face. I knew he wanted my mom even though she was married but to him it didnt matter to him. My dad then walked in and shook my hand and greeted me, “hey son. I saw you talking to that new girl around town earlier today. She seems to keep herself up.” I looked up at my dad who is 6 foot tall and my mom was only 4 foot 5 inches. Then my little sister is only 5 feet tall according she is only 10 years old and do not really get out much. I look at Mr. Devon, “well I guess we need to do more work.” My sister looks at me and sees me getting frustrated, she pats my shoulder and walks off with dad. She is a daddy’s girl and I am a mommy’s boy. It has always been that way. I really did not want to be a mommy’s boy I don’t know how that happened. Then my older brother just came between. Both parents loved him.

         After a few minutes of asking questions that I had no answers to but to blame the head doctor my mom left me there with the guy. I hated him so much for trying to tell me is my fault. All of it. I looked at him so deadly, I could kill him if my mom was not still near where she could hear his screams. He smiled that fake smile at me and asked me, “So, what are you feeling right now?” I told him straight up, “Like killing you, right now. But other then that,” I laid back on the sofa, “I’m feeling all good.” I saw his smile fade away and I looked in triumph. He then tried a different approach, “So who is this Ayame person?” “That’s none of your business.” I get up off the couch and I figured I did not have to tell him everything as long as we were in my house and not his. I walked back outside and stood there on the porch thinking about Ayame.

         For some kind of odd reason, I feel like I have been drawn to her. Like I was made for her and for me that kind of caught me off guard. “I feel drawn to her.” I repeat my thought. It sounded much better in my mind, but then I thought about it. I did not really know who this Ayame girl was, or where she is actually from other then a foster home. But, I was so determined to get the answers. I looked back at my house, I just could not do it right now. I looked back at the mansion and did not want to go back in. So, I took a walk to my best friend’s house; Ford Juan. He has been my best friend since grade school.

         He was already outside and looking about just like I was. I guess him and his father had a fight again. Ford’s mother died giving birth to Ford’s younger brother; Cullen. Ever since then Ford has blamed Cullen for his mother’s death. And then their father would always defend Cullen and yell at Ford. “Hey man,” I greet Ford. Ford gives me a what’s up nod. “What happened this time?” I asked as I stood by him, he shrugged his shoulders and turned to me. “Dude, what’s your problem?” I did not expect him to as me that question, “Oh its this new girl that the Ballards adopted. Ayame is her name and I feel like there is a connection between us.” I fold my arms and take the pressure off my right foot and shift it to the left. “Okay and what is wrong with that?” “Dude I was about to really tell her how my brother’s death went down, about how I was there.” Ford looked at me in total shock. He knows that I only really told him about what happened and no one else. I looked around the neighborhood and there are little kids playing jump rope, hop scotch, and racing all over town.

         I have always loved little children. “You feel the connection? I thought it was usually the girl that felt it?” I shrugged, “This time its different. I don’t know, but I feel it when I am close to her.” soon enough, Ayame’s mom pulled up in the drive way and she hopped out and walked to her porch. I looked over at her and smiled. She

smiled back and waved for me to come over. I looked at Ford and walked over to Ayame. “Hey, what’s up?” she looks up at me her eyes so warm and inviting. “What’s wrong?” “Who is Shea?” “Shea is my friend’s,” I point to Ford, “girlfriend. They been dating for... like 9 months today. Why?” “I don’t know. She did not mention that when she was talking to this one guy.” I chuckled, “did the guy look like her?” she nodded. “Oh that is her twin brother. He does not like her boyfriend but he deals with him.” the way Ayame looked at me made me feel weird, my tummy did flips and I felt like I had lost all words. She looked at me like she wanted to tell me something, then she did, “I don’t know who my parents are. I know that they were suppose to come back and get me but never did. I tried to find out what happened to them but they act like they don’t know. And I know they know.” she stopped and looked down at the ground, “the only thing that I remember about my parents is what they smelled like.” I kind of snorted but then knew what she meant.

         My parents use to go out of town for long periods of time and I would wonder if they would ever come back. So I would sleep in their bed and try to make the best of it for my sister and I. I looked at

Ayame and raised her chin up with my index finger, “If I can do anything to help you find your parents I am willing to help you.” I suddenly began to feel her heart beat faster and our pulses matched. About myself, I am not human, I am anything but.

         I am a full blooded vampire, I was born a vampire and almost everyone in this neighborhood is a vampire. All except Ayame, I believe that she is something else according to the way she thinks. My full vamp name is Telesphorous Toshiro Hunter. Ayame looks up at me and smiles, her eyes were something hypnotizing, everything about her just seemed so right.





         Ayame

         The way he was looking at me, it was like something magical was happening to me. It felt so right being by him and talking to him about my parents and him saying that he could try and help me. “My mom told me that I have to get married at 18 years old.” I tell him, he smiled at me. “Yes, that is how it is around here. I mean its been that way for years around here.” he drops his hand from my chin and looks around. I stand up and sigh, “and she told me that she picks the one I marry.” “Yes, my dad is gonna pick for me.” from the look in his eyes I was guessing that it would be me that his father would pick. “Ayame, time to come in.” Lukus shouted from the window. I looked back and then looked at Toshiro, he nods. “I will see you tomorrow, Ayame.” I run inside.

          For some reason I felt like he was hiding something from me. Something that I was a little determine to figure out. I went upstairs and into my room, then my little brother walked. “I see that you like Toshiro.” he sat on my bed and smiled at me. “I guess so.” “Are you hoping that mom will pick him to be your husband?” I did not know what to say to that. Later, on that night, once again I did not eat anything. I was in my room sitting on the window sill looking out the



window at the backyard. I did not know what I expected to find back there but then my little brother’s question came to mind. I really did not want to marry some one at an early age especially someone I did not really know.

         As I continued to look out the window my eyes closed a little and I tried to imagine my parents standing right next to me and it was pretty hard to do that. Because I did not know what they looked like or how they sounded. But all I know is that I refused to believe that they did not want me or could not take care of me. I put on my clothes and went outside to find Toshiro standing at my door. “What are you doing here?” I asked him wondering. He looked a little beaten up. “What happened?” he shook his head. “Nothing,” he said to me. “Where are you going this late?” “I was gonna go for a walk. I need to clear my head on some things that are hard for me to understand.” he nods and then tells me, “Well, let me go with you. Around here it can be kind of scary around here.” I looked at him and I could have sworn earlier today his eyes were a sky blue and now they are an hazel brown.

         We started walking and then he begins to tell me, “About my brother,” I look his way. “He was doing a deal for a drug addict and I was in the back seat of his car watching him, they began out talking normally. You know like friends would. Then, I don’t know. The guy just started shooting my brother like he was nothing. I sat in that backseat and watch my brother suffer, the guy ran, that is when I got out of the car and rushed to my brother.” Toshiro looked up at the dark sky, “I cried and held my brother. He died in my arms. After that I been messed up.” I looked at him and I could not imagine the pain he must be feeling everyday. “Then after that my mom ordered me the head doctor, he does not help at all. He sits there and tells me its my fault that my brother is dead.” he turns to me and inhales, “god what was I suppose to do. He told me to stay in the car. The last thing he said to me was to not make the same mistake he made.” “Did they catch the guy that did it?” he nodded, “but to me its not enough. Its like I want him to pay for what he did to my brother. I always looked up to my brother, but sometimes I think its not fair how that happened.”

         I nodded trying to understand the reason for the doctor to put him down and make it seem like everything was is fault, when the way I see it that it was not. “I mean I know it is not my fault, but the way he was putting the words together made it seem like it was my fault.” I stop walking so does he, I turn to him and say, “It is not your fault. Its really not anyone’s fault. I mean you were just along for the ride and it got out of control.” I could tell he was feeling better.