Alone

I was alone, in the middle of the street, in the dead of night. The screech of the wheels we still piercing my mind, my ears were still ringing continuously. I had dropped my bag in the shock of the moment and the contents were sprawled across the blacktop. My mouth was still open and my arms were still pushed up against my chest and out of harms way. I dared to look down; I knew what I would find. A puddle of rich crimson blood was expanding around Yuri’s head. His eyes were open and still twinkling in the glow of the street lights around us. The exposed side of his face was unharmed and still perfect. His sharp jaw line shadowed his neck in the lighting. I let my eyes wonder over the rest of his surely mangled body. His arm was crushed and flattened just under the elbow and I couldn’t hold back turning and vomiting into the grate below the curb. I began to sob uncontrollably then. It hit me in the chest first and the pain of sudden loss seeped to my very core. I needed help, I needed some one, I fumbled around to find my phone, but it had been smashed after it had fallen from my handbag. I screamed, I couldn’t touch him to find his phone, my poor precious Yuri. His curly hair swayed gently in the light wind that blew down our dark little corner of the city. Our apartment was just across the street, I could see the door from where I was standing. We had been only seconds away from safety, seconds away. Regret, longing, hatred, anger, these emotions flooded in so fast I could barely understand what they were. We had been out with friends celebrating Yuri’s promotion at work. Something so innocent, so simple.

We did nothing differently than we ever had done. It was impossible that his body was lying in front of me, turning cold as I watched. But job advances were not the only thing worth our celebration, after four years of trying I was finally pregnant and I had planned on telling him as soon as we had gotten in the door.



The busy hospital was so far beyond my emotional grasp by the time I got there, the doctors were having a hard enough time getting basic information from me. All I could manage was whispering to myself, “Yuri, sweet, wonderful Yuri”.

The police had asked me what had happened, they said I had called for help and that a neighbor had finally taken me seriously enough to phone in an emergency. I had no idea what had happened, all I knew was that the love of my life was gone forever. All I cared about was that I could never hold his hand again. We would never sit next to each other in a cab smiling silently after a long night out; he would never kiss me on the neck when I was nervous or sing me to sleep when I was sick. We could never go to the park on Sundays again or go to market for milk in those glass containers. He would never know our baby.

A perky blond nurse came over to tell me that my family had been contacted and that they were on their way. She patted my shoulder and gave me the little half smile. I wanted to hit her; I wanted to make her as miserable as I was. She would never know the pain I was in, she would finish her shift and hop along home to her family. I had no family. I had no where to go back to. My family was down in a body bag, in one of those long metal coolers. I could only imagine what my mother would do when she saw me. I didn’t want to be touched, I didn’t want to be comforted. And what would she say when I told her I was pregnant? I wouldn’t, I would wait. I didn’t want her linking Yuri’s death with the news of her first grandchild. And what about his parents? Oh God. My stomach turned. I would never be able to look them in the eyes again. How could I? He had pushed me out of the way. The car came at us and he pushed me back onto the street. He died for me. I gripped at my sides and I let the sobs come over me again. My everything was gone. A few people passing looked as if they wanted to approach me, put an arm around me, but they just stayed for a moment before continuing on there way. I finally whipped the tears from my eyes and stood to find a bathroom. The place was huge and I was in no shape to ask anyone for directions, so, I figured looking on my own was a good way to avoid my mother’s inevitable arrival. Just as I was headed toward the left hall, a detective came up to me. He was tall and muscular; he had blond hair and deep blue eyes. I wished for a moment that I could just fall into them, I wished they were pools of endlessness where I could just drift until the pain that ate at my insides subsided. He smiled at me.

“Are you Mrs. Overland?” He asked.

I nodded. 

“I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure you’re in no state to talk now, but it’s crucial that we tap your memory while it’s fresh.” He motioned a hand in the direction I was headed.

We began to wander down the hall.

“Now, can you tell me a bit about what happened? Can you recall anything at all? A license plate number? Color or model of the car?” He was being overly friendly.

“Red, SUV, not sure about the make. Never been one for cars.” I didn’t think I had a voice left in me.

“Well, that’s a start isn’t it?” He smiled and led me into a lounge.

We took seats opposite one another. I crossed my arms almost immediately. He bent forward and clasped his hands while he rested his arms on his legs.

“Now, if you can, I’d like you to tell me what happened. As much as you can remember, Okay?” He looked a bit more serious now.

“We were walking home from Julian’s. We were out with friends. I was ahead of him, and a car…..”. I couldn’t, my face began to ache with tears again.

I covered my face in my hands and let the renewed pain well inside me. I felt a large hand land on my shoulder.

“It’s alright hun. We can do this a bit later, whenever you’re ready.” He stood, and I listened to him leave the room.

I was happy to be alone again. I did better when I was alone I thought. I must have been sitting there for another half an hour before Yuri’s parents arrived. They lived closer to the city than my parents and the traffic at two in the morning was less than noticeable. It was Yuri’s brother who entered the room first. He looked so much like him; they had the same dark, curly hair. They had the same substantial build and the same way of carrying themselves.

“Oh baby Lucy!” Mac’s eyes were damp as he ran to me with open arms.

He held me so tight it almost hurt. I just let him hug me; let him cry into my arms. I was the reason his brother was gone. I didn’t deserve his love or comfort.

“I’m so, so sorry Mac. He pushed me out of the way.” I whispered into his hair.

Mac pulled away and held me at arms length. He looked at me as if I had stabbed him. Tears dripped off his nose.

“Don’t you say that. Don’t you dare blame yourself Lucy! He loved you, I love you….” I shook my head and my face contorted into sobs again.

I fell to my seat. I couldn’t do this. Mac put his arms around me, but I felt like I was suffocating. I had to get it out of me; I had to make it all stop.

“What did I do? I love him! I love him! Mac, I…….” I cried out loud, the words bursting from me.

I could hear other people crying in the back round, but my eyes were clamped shut. I just wanted to be alone. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. I was so ashamed to be the one who “survived”.  I felt other hands enclose around me. I wanted to get out of this moment. I wished I was at home, sleeping next to him. It would have been the happiest sleep of our lives, knowing about the baby, knowing we could finally be a family. I wanted him with me, I wanted our child to know him and I wanted him to be the amazing father he’d always dreamed of being. But that was shattered.

Yuri’s sister, Kimi, was the only one who didn’t say anything to me. She stayed to the back of the room and looked out the window. She wasn’t crying like the rest of them, her eyes weren’t misty or even slightly dampened. I had only ever met her once before now. She was much older than Yuri and Mac and she was really only a half sister. Kimi had been the love child of Yuri’s mother, Bess, and her high school sweetheart. Kimi kept to herself and never came to any sort of family gathering or party we had ever invited her to. I wished they had all reacted like she was, then nobody would have to hug me or touch me. My parents had gotten there shortly after Yuri’s did. They were so happy that I was alright, so happy in fact that I thought it was insulting to Yuri’s family. Then again I was an only child and if I went, they would have nothing but there Jack Russell terriers to keep them company. Everyone had a long sob session and after the hospital gave me the all clear my parents insisted that I go home with them. But I had to say good bye to my Yuri, I couldn’t let his crushed arm be the last thing of him I’d ever see.

A nurse escorted me down to the morgue where she asked me to wait in the hall so they could “prep the body”. It was so cold I thought I would freeze before they let me in. I felt so horrible leaving him here in this scary place. He would be alone down here, with a sheet over his face. My stomach hurt so badly I thought it would fall out of me if I didn’t try and hold it in with my ridged arms. When the nurse retured, she looked as if she rather be anywhere in the world than here showing a new widow to her dead, mangled husband. She asked me if I was sure I wanted to see him about three times in different wording before she actually opened the door to let me in. It was dimly lighted in the room and everything was metallic. The medical examiner was standing behind a metal table with what was unmistakably a body placed neatly on top of it. I closed my eyes. Was I going to be able to handle what I saw? I had to say goodbye to him, I had to tell him I loved him one more time.