Final Thoughts

Hey I've reposted this with the rule change that you can no longer rate unless you review. I got a good mixture of ratings, but they don't help at all. I'd much rather reviews with the ratings so that become more aware of what people like and don't like. Also If your like happy endings, or dark with a arch, don't bother reading it, you'll only miss the point.



Final Thoughts



“I’m living in a constant state of agony. This place… this hell… it sustains my anger. It leaves me withered, battered and bruised by my own self loathing. I have but one way out… one way to escape this wretched place… death”

(Lucy, RIP, October 5th 2006)



July 3rd 2008

1:17pm I’m on a bus. I hate buses. They all seem to have the same pungent odour, a cruel mixture of urine and perspiration. It’s like my nose is being sodomized.



1:23pm I’m listening to two young girls’ in the seats across from me talk of depression, such trivial issues. I’d give all to have problems such as hers, ‘a dress is ruined, an indecisive boyfriend’. A vision of me strangling her creeps into my mind, I’m screaming at her, telling her to wake up, to see what’s important and what’s not. She turns a scarlet red and her eyes begin to bulge. A tear trickles from her eye down her cheek and onto my hand that’s pale with tension. The bus goes over a speed bump and I’m shaken from my daze. I realise the windows open and rain is leaking in, I close it, nothing is going to rain on my parade, not today.



1:45pm Most suicides are not planned. They’re a spur of the moment thing. For the majority who succeed in killing themselves, if given just moments more to contemplate their situation, they would choose life. I’m a rare case, I’m guessing few people plan their suicide down to even the most obscure details. But then again, most people commit suicide when they’re depressed, when the pain is so great it brings you to your knees. I’ve been there, imagine that the person you love the most, is taken from you unexpectedly, in the moment, it feels like your blood turns to acid and it’s cooking your flesh from within, you go into a catatonic state of sadness. I wish I could explain it better than that for you, but it is simply... indescribable. But I’m passed that now… I’ve transcended… There is no emotion where I am, no sadness, no happiness, nor hate or love, just perpetual nothingness, like my mind is a vacuum.



1:54pm My stop, finally I can get off this God forsaken bus. A hardware store is the perfect place for anyone having a breakdown. You can purchase equipment to build something, paint something, or even break something… constructive self therapy. Or, you can purchase equipment to bring about your own demise… self destruction, no therapy needed. A pack of 10mil nails and a one metre squared sheet of plywood, home time. 



Home…



3:31pm My lounge is so generic, I wish I could say that my last moments were spent somewhere extraordinary, but honestly, there must be a room like this in every house in the western world. My last task, to build a mailbox, I know what your thinking… what the hell? Right? I confess I haven’t been entirely honest, you see while you can purchase everything you need to bring about your own demise in a hardware store, that’s not why I was there. I already had all I needed. My neighbours name is Elizabeth Simmons and she has terminal cancer. I don’t know her well, but I do know three things about her for sure… 1. She has always been very kind to me, 2. Kids broke her mailbox in the early hours of the morning about a week ago, and 3. She’s on high does of Hydromorphone, a powerful pain medication and my token to whatever lies beyond death.



4:03pm We live in a society where gossip is gospel. We hear a rumour, and no matter how dubious the source, we pay it homage by treating it gospel. Lucy was a victim to such a fate, she heard a rumour. One so devastating it crippled her. For weeks she bottled it in, pretended that everything was okay. Our lawn mower found her, the poor fourteen year old kid will be tarnished by that moment his whole life. He had knocked several times, after receiving no answer, but discovering the door was unlocked, he entered calling her name. Concluding that no one was home, he decided to mow the lawns and square up the debt later. He entered our carport, where our mower was kept. What hung before him will be burnt into his mind forever.



About 7:00pm It has been an eventful afternoon. Once I had finished Elizabeth’s mailbox I went over to give it to her. I wish I could say it was a last act of kindness, but I am no philanthropist. It was simply a guise to get into her house to steal enough of her pain meds to do the job. Then again if I’ve learned anything on my time on Earth, it’s that very few people are willing to give, without receiving something in return.



7:14pm Here we are… the moment of truth… I hope you didn’t read these past few hundred words or so expecting some dramatic change in mentality. That maybe I’d see all the amazing reasons for living, glistening in front of me in a moment of realisation. Two years I’ve spent trying to find my silver lining, but now? Well as I’ve already told you… I’ve transcended.



He takes seven capsules and empties them into a large spoon. He then takes a smaller spoon and using the underside he crushes the powder into its finest possible form. He picks up the syringe and draws water out of a cup beside him, then plungers the water into the spoon with the powder. Being careful not to spill any of its contents, he lifts the spoon until it’s just under eye level, he then take a lighter and heats the bottom of the spoon until its contents begins to boil. Placing it on the table beside him, he mixes it with the end of a pen. As he draws the readied content into the syringe, he can feel his blood pressure rise as his heart palpitates. Attaching the needle, he thinks to himself…



7:27pm This is it… this is the end… peace… tranquillity. RIP.