Find A Way Ch. 2

Two.


I felt the bed rock underneath me. My old mattress didn't take beatings like this so well. I rolled myself over to Connor with my eyes still shut. I reached out my hand to comfort him, wondering if he had woken up disoriented and forgotten where he was.

It landed on his chest and I patted it. "It's ok, Hun, you fell asleep here," I said wearily. But my hand was suddenly smacked away. The bed moved violently again and my eyes popped open. Before I had time to process what happened, Connor was on top of me, and my heart stopped.

Fuck, not again. 

His mouth was on mine before I could say another word. His tongue rammed into my mouth, almost choking me. His hands found their way to my breasts and he pressed into them hard, squeezing them tightly.

The panic inside rose and the tears in my eyes spilled over once again.

I pushed my hands against his chest as hard as I could. I hit him, I punched him, I scratched him, but he reached his hand up and grabbed a hold of my wrists. He slammed them against the head board above me, holding them there tightly. He finally released his lips from mine.

"Connor, please! Stop!" I begged.

But when I looked into his eyes, I could see that Connor was gone. He had the same look as before, the same blank, distant look. It was like he is mind left his body, like no one was home inside his head. Like he couldn't even see me.

The fear I felt at that moment was stronger than it was before. I pushed my arms against his hand but he was so much stronger than me. He took his other hand and worked his way into my pants. I closed my legs, trying to cross them, but he put his knee in between so I couldn't. I turned my head away from him so he couldn't kiss me again.

"Connor, please! My parents are home! They'll hear!"

Stupid of me to remind him of that fact. Even stupider of me to think that would make him stop. He couldn't hear me. Unless I screamed bloody murder, nothing would wake him out of this trance. And if I screamed, my parents would come rushing in here and ambush me with question about why I scared them to death, and I couldn't think of an excuse quick enough. There was nothing I could do.

His head fell into my neck, and he kissed me all the way down from my ear lobe to my collar bone. I shut my mouth tight to try hold in the sobs I felt coming on. His hand continued to fight with my legs and pants. I panted desperately. I loved Connor. I wanted him to touch me, but not like this. Not when I was begging him to stop and he wasn't even there to hear my cries.

"Please, Connor. If this is what you want, I'll give it to you, but not like this! Please, stop!" I could hear the sobs in my voice as I spoke. I knew I was being stupid and naive and every other childish synonym you could come up with, but I didn't care. I just wanted him to stop. If sex was what he really wanted from me, than it was going to be on my terms. It wasn't going to be like this.

And just when I thought my luck had run out, the loud, repetitious buzzer of my alarm went off. The most beautiful sound in the world for me to hear at that moment rang throughout my room, and I felt Connor's body stop. Every inch of him went limp on top of me. His hand stopped moving in my pants, he loosened his grip on my wrists and his head sunk into my shoulder. I quickly pulled my hands out from under his and pushed on his chest. He lifted his head wearily, and looked around the room confused.

Within seconds, he realized where he was and what was going on. He yanked his hand out from my pants and got off of me in a flash. The look on his face was pure terror. The tears were still rolling down my face and I sat up slowly and hit my alarm off. Neither of us spoke. All I could do was hold my hand over my mouth to try and muffle the sobs that were escaping. My entire body shook in fear and relief.

I knew Connor would never forgive himself now. I knew he would never trust himself to be alone with me again. I knew I was about to lose my best friend.

How fucked up was it that those were my fears?

I heard the sounds of his cries coming from the opposite corner of my room. I turned to face him. His back was against the wall, his legs were shaking so fiercely they couldn't support him any longer. His body slid down the wall to the floor and his head fell in his knees.

"Oh my god," he said in a muffled whisper. His head shook and repeated himself over and over again. He looked so fragile, so distraught, huddled into a corner weeping like that. I had to help him. I was his best friend and he needed me.

I wiped the tears off of my face and took a deep breath. I forced myself to stand up and walk to his side, every part of me trembling the whole way. I knelt down in front of Connor and reached to him, but the second my hand touched his knee, he jerked away. His head sprang up and he eyed me seriously.

"Get away from me." His tone was startling. I knew it was because he was afraid of himself, afraid of what he might have done, yet again. I had to keep telling myself not to take his anger personally.

I looked back at him with compassion. "Connor, it's alright. You didn't hurt me, the alarm went off and you woke up..." I tried to explain, I tried to make him see, but all I did was make him more angry. He shook his violently at me and raised his hands motioning me to be quiet.

"Stop, Skyelar! JUST STOP!" He shouted. He stared at me for a moment. His eyes were filled with sorrow and regret. He let out a heavy sigh and his head fell once again into his knees as he continued to cry uncontrollably.

His hysterics were so loud now, I knew my parents would hear him. This was the first time that I actually wanted them to. I wanted them to come in and see him like this. I didn't know how to help him anymore, so maybe they could. I debated on getting up myself to go get one of them, but as I was about to stand up, I heard my parents mattress squeak in the room next to mine.

Feet slammed onto the floor and three loud steps rushed to the door and it creak open. I turned myself toward my bedroom door, waiting for one of them to appear. It swung open and the light popped on. My mother stood there looking at me, then her eyes gazed onto Connor. Her face fell with worry.

"Richard!" She called to my father. She half ran inside and knelt next to us. She eyed me curiously.

"What happened?" She asked.

My father came around the corner just then and eyed the three of us crouched in the corner of my room. His expression was filled with confusion.

I turned back to my mother. "I don't know" I lied. I didn't want to tell them the truth. I was afraid they wouldn't understand. I knew they would think one of us was crazy, with him attempting to sleep-rape me or me lying about it... either way, neither of us would be allowed to see each other again. I had to come up with an excuse, so I said the first thing that popped into my head. "I just woke up and he was in the corner crying. I think it was a dream..."

So lame.

My mother eyed my father suggestively. "I'll go call Carole," he said and turned out of my door way.

My mother and I sat there with Connor. She put her hand on his shoulder to try to comfort him. He didn't push her away.

"It's alright, sweetheart. It's going to be okay."

Connor didn't respond. He didn't move at all. Neither of us spoke as we sat there for ten long minutes until we heard a knock at the front door. Muffled voices made their way up the stairs and I turned my head once again to my bedroom door as his mother came around the corner. The dark circles around her eyes seemed to be worse than the last time I saw her. For as young as she was, she looked old enough to be Connor's grandmother. Her face was full of wrinkles and stress lines. The past year had taken such a toll on his whole family, it was no wonder he was acting out. Everything was hitting him all at once.

Connor never really dealt with what happened with his father, or his sister. I don't think he knew how to handle it. And based on whats been happening lately, I assume there is a lot he hasn't told me... or anyone else.

My mother and I stood up to give Carole room. She knelt in front of Connor and placed her hands on his face. I could tell how worried she was about him. The tears were beginning to swell up in her eyes and she looked at him. She stroked his cheeks gently as he looked at his mother regretfully.

"Connor..." She whispered.

He looked up to his mother with his eyes filled with tears. His sobbing stopped momentarily and his lips twitched. "I'm sorry.... I'm so sorry," he managed to stutter out. He looked at her with torment. He wanted to say something else, I could see on his face how much he wanted too. But his face dropped as he started to cry uncontrollably again.

She wrapped her arms around him tightly in attempt to stand him up. My father came around to his other side to help. They got him to his feet, but his body shook wearily. Carole quickly turned to my mother.

"Thank you, Rachel."

My mother nodded her head, and brushed her hand on Carole's back comfortingly. They left my room, went down the stairs and my father helped her get Connor back next door. I didn't even notice my mother still standing there as I ran to my bedroom window and waited anxiously for them to get inside. But she came to my side instantly, and placed herself in the way of me and my view. I eyed her annoyed.

"Skyelar, what happened?"

I looked at her confoundedly. "I already told you, I don't know."

I knew she didn't believe me this time. She had that look in her eyes only a mother gave her child when she knew they were guilty of some kind of trouble.

"Skyelar, I heard you in here earlier. I heard you crying. I couldn't hear what you were saying, but I could tell you were upset. Tell me what happened."

Shit. 

"I was trying to get Connor to tell me what was wrong. He wouldn't talk to me... it was like he didn't even know I was there." Only part of that sentence was a lie so I knew I could pull it off effectively.

She eyed me as though she didn't believe me, but let out a heavy sigh and dropped the subject for now. It was almost time for her to get ready for work, and I knew she didn't have time for this.

We both heard Connor's cries from outside my window. She turned around and we both watched as they helped Connor into his bed. My father stayed for a minute longer muttering something to Carole, before he turned and left the room. She stood in his room, absentmindedly. She stared at her son as if she had no idea what to do. She didn't even know what was wrong with him. She turned her head and her eyes met us staring out at her. She gave us a strange look before she shot a faint smile and closed the window. I sighed sadly when she pulled the curtains closed.

My mother wrapped her arm around my shoulder and gave me a half-assed hug. "Come on, it's time to get ready," she said.

I nodded my head without looking at her and she turned to leave my room, closing the door behind her.


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