How I Gave Hell the Finger and Survived2

How I Gave Hell the Finger and Survived

Chapter Two

Okay…I had to admit. Absolutely nothing looked different. Not anywhere. Shit. When you’re alive you hear stories ya know. You think that life after death is supposed to be different. As of yet…pfft. I had a million things running through my mind right now. What if…someone, my son maybe, came out of the house and could see me. Shit. My sister could see me. She did claim to have special abilities. Shit. What if…no one knew I was dead yet. I didn’t have any ID on my person when I got whacked. It was a possibility that no one knew yet. Well hell. I wasn’t gonna wait around to find out. So now what?

I decided to visit the hospital to see if my body was still lying around and shit. I tried the little pretend nose blowing trick and score! Woot! I liked that. Quicker than walking that’s for fucking sure. I walked up to the door and have no clue what to do. So I stand there thinking I might wait for someone to go in. And I stand there. And stand there. Yep. How the fuck do I get through doors and shit? Can I touch them? I could touch myself when I was dead. Hmm…Ooh! The sheet remember. I could do that. I grabbed for the handle and pulled. Ugh. I stood there all that fucking time for something so trivial. What a dumbass.

The hospital was pretty empty so I figured this would easy. Then it hit me. I had to piss. Seriously? What the fuck? On my way into the restroom around the corner of where I entered the hospital I realized a few things. People, so far, couldn’t see me. I could still make contact with inanimate objects and life was no different really. I assumed that I would also get hungry and have to take a dump on a regular basis. Shave my legs. Fuck that figures. So…how was I gonna survive with no cash and nowhere to go?

I came out of the stall and made my way over the sink to wash my hands and holy fucking shit balls batman! Only a glance in the mirror and I almost shit myself. I wasn’t exactly me. Okay…okay. There was positively no resemblance to myself and this chick staring back at me in disbelief. I get it. I can’t look like myself in case someone does see me. After all, I was in my hometown tracking down the whore that knocked me off and then I was gonna make sure my oh-so-dear husband lived without a dick. I was pretty. I was taller. I was younger. Oh hell yes! I was eventually do some damage indeed. Plan. That’s what I needed.

My dead body was no longer a concern. I had to get moving and figure some shit out. Money, clothes, a place to crash…all major concerns. Let’s see. I believe the money issue was first. I mean, duh…I walked into town only a few blocks away. I stood outside the local bank for while pondering. Do I steal it? I mean…I was sent to hell and I am a demon. What more damage could be done? Right? Damn. I can’t do that. I honestly can’t even think of why I would be in hell in the first fucking place.

Probably the biggest sin I had committed…I guess, was umm…having a baby out of wedlock? Using the Lord’s name in vain. Man he must be really pissed about that one. It’s true. My son was conceived and born before me and “the jackass” were married. I did, umm, do have a colorful mouth. My vocabulary that is. Okay, so I broke one of the Ten Commandments and shit. Where was this all forgiving God I’d heard so much about over the years? Damn. Now what?

Oh and there was one other thing. How the crap were people gonna see me. Hear me. Give me a fucking job! This was proving to be a giant pain in my ass. I sat on a bench looking across the street at where my mother worked. She was a clerk in small gift shop there. She didn’t work on Saturday though. I knew she wasn’t there. Then it hit me! I’d use the nose blowing trick to see if I could be seen. I concentrated. Let them see me. Let them see me. I centered that thought and falsely blew my nose. I opened my eyes and looked around. Nothing different to me. Huh…

I got up and started across the street to the gift shop. I knew everyone that worked there, but I wasn’t myself so what the fuck. I opened the door and heard the chime. That was a start. The girl behind the counter, Mary as I remembered, looked up and waved.

“Hi! I’m Mary. The candles are on sale and gift wrappin’ is free.”

“Oh. Okay…thank you Mary.” I was shocked! It worked. It actually fucking worked! “Actually Mary I was looking for a job. I’m new in town and I’ve got nothing to my name. No car, no place...no money. Nothing. I brought nothing with me. I just bailed.”

“Oh my honey. Just like that huh?”

“Umm. Yeah. I’m from up north a bit and my boyfriend was slapping me around. I caught a ride up as far as I could and here I am.” I hoped that she believed that load of shit.

“Wow. Well…I’m glad you got out when you did hon. Let me point you in the direction of a place that might help you.” Mary went for the phonebook. Within minutes she was talking to someone one the other end of the phone and thanking them.

“Okay hon. My friend Nada is coming to get you. She’ll be here in a few.”

“Oh. Wow…Mary I don’t know how to thank you. Exactly where is she taking me?” Oh boy. What the hell have I gotten myself into this time? I just knew she was taking me to a church. How’s the hell…sheesh.

So I jumped to conclusions. Fucking sue me already! Nada was a very plump proud woman in her early fifties. Yeah. You could tell Nada knew her shit didn’t stink. But who was I to judge? We spoke briefly and I told her my tall tale. Nada sympathized. She informed me that she took in strays. Strays? Like dogs? Oh boy. She then mentioned needing to go to the library for a few minutes before we left town.

There I sat. In the nice air conditioning of the local library. Sheesh. I almost fell asleep I was so bored out of my devious little head. So I focused my thoughts on money, a job, clothes and food. Gosh damn I was hungry. Hopefully Nada would be ready to go soon. I got up and walked over to the computers and sat myself down. Yeah. You know I checked my damned email. Then I remembered something…I had an account that my husband didn’t know about. What the fuck was I thinking? Probably no one, but a few at best, knew I was dead yet. It had only been a few hours since I was hammered by that car. I wandered around till I found Nada. I told her that I was gonna run back to the gift shop just down the street and thank Mary. I told her I had forgotten to thank her. She agreed that I should.

I left the library with a plan. I ducked in between two buildings and thought for a second. Okay…I know I can touch things. I can make people see me. But can I change my appearance? Let’s try. I thought of myself and how I looked before I kicked the bucket. Did the blowjob trick. I looked down at my hands and arms, chest and hips. Yep. I think it worked. I came out of the alley and walked to the first set of store windows I could find to glance at my “old” reflection. Damn. This was kinda fun. I went into the bank with no ID. Well shit. Then…I spotted my mom’s friend that worked there. I’ll be damned if I could remember her name. Umm…yeah. I know.

“Hi. How are you?” I hoped that she knew who I was, but didn’t know I was dead. Please let her know and not know.

“Oh Tress! How are you sweets? How’s your mom?” Tammy! That’s her name. Tammy. Funny how you remember things much, much later huh?

“I’m well and mom is doing well. She just got her garden straightened back out after that ugly storm a few weeks ago.” Okay…make small talk and then go for it.

“Oh well good. She was irritated with that.”

“I have a question. I left my ID at home. Is it possible to withdraw money from the account that I saved money for the kids in? I walked up here so I didn’t think about grabbing my ID.” Please say yes. Please say yes.

“Sure. Follow me.” She turned and glanced at me while she was walking and whispered. “Advantages of a small town bank. We know everybody.” She winked and continued to walk to a desk.

“I’m relieved. Thank you. I didn’t want to have to come back out today.”

She didn’t even ask for my name. She just typed shit in and ask if I wanted part, all or to close the account. So here’s the thing…I had saved that money for me, not the kids. The kids had an account. So I replied for her to close it. Then I mentioned wanting to change my other account to my mom’s name. The lady looked puzzled. I saw an opportunity to chap that bitch’s ass. You know…the one that killed me. She may have gotten my husband…but she wasn’t getting my kid’s money. Fuck her. I told this bank lady that I hardly knew that I had discovered my husband cheating. I needed to change the name on the other account so the bastard and his new girlfriend couldn’t get to it. She smiled and nodded. Then told me she was sorry…yada, yada.

Woot! I had closed the account, changed the other and was basically happy to have almost two grand in my pocket. Now…hopefully later Tammy would think I got hit by the car on my way home. I forced my change before I got back to the library and caught up with Nada in the research section. She apparently did work for the local historian in town too. Well, I wasn’t as hopeless as I thought. Nada would give me a place to stay and I’d let everything else fall into place. If I was lucky and so far “lucky” didn’t fit the bill.

Nada took me back to her place. It looked like an old inn or run down motel. I counted ten rooms, side by side, in the shape of an L. She explained that her father had bought the place over twenty years ago and wanted to restore it. He died soon after and had never done a thing with it. Nada, however, didn’t live here. She explained that she lived down the road a piece, but was always lurking around in case someone needed her. She had been letting rooms out to people that needed help for over a year.

Awe. I admired her in ways. She was a good shit for letting me stay there without even asking too many questions. She didn’t even ask for my name. She simply called me “gal” and that was okay with me. I intended on paying her back of course. Right now I’d hang on to my money so I could get a good start. Nada showed me to my room which was next to the end of the short row. It had one bed, a nightstand, a sofa, a small TV on a table by the window and a small four foot counter with a microwave, a tiny fridge and a sink. Not bad for one room. It actually had a closet too! The closet also had a small chest of drawers inside of it, way to cut down on space. Then there was the bathroom. It was so fucking small I wondered how the hell I was gonna turn around in there! Think about how small my little closet might have been, just enough space for a dresser inside…now double that. Yeah. Like I said…the bathroom was tiny. Hey. Better than nothing. Right?