Happy Birthday Bert Chap1

Chapter One: The Present!


It was 4:45 A.M, and I was on my way to work, but I had some unfinished business to settle with Bebe. The whore had left me for that prick Bert about a month ago, now I new we were drifting apart and I was planning on dumping her for this receptionist at the office, but come on Bert? I mean, of all the people she could have left me for she picked him for Christ’s sake: he works for the parks department, THE PARKS DEPARTMENT. He’s not even a park ranger he’s some sort of junior park assistant fucktard to some dickweed called Terry the Tranny and don’t even get me started on Terry that dress wearing fuck.

It was then that I saw her standing on the curb like a stupid bitch, probably waiting for the mail to arrive despite the fact that it wouldn’t show up until around noon. It was just then that I realized what I had to do, that whore wouldn’t live to see tomorrow. I felt a sharp bump as my tire hit the curb; it was then that she noticed my car. What a dumb whore, I thought as she flew head long into my windshield. My joy was cut short as the angelic cry of shattering glass was punctuated by the meaty thud of her head smashing against my rear window. I quickly accelerated, trying to put as much distance between the crime scene and us.

My heart was racing as I rounded the corner and after a few blocks I made a hard left onto a secluded side street. I quickly killed the engine and hopped from the car. As I hastily retrieved the corpse from the back of the car I couldn’t help but feel as if as if something was watching me from behind one of the veiled windows that happened to over look the alley. Upon closing the trunk I fumbled for my pack of smokes and lighter; a calming feeling quickly engulfed me as I stood in the stone silence of the early morning just trying to figure were I would go from here. I mean, I couldn’t dump her body a dumpster or in a back alley, they might be able track me down with paint chips or some other forensic crap. No, I had to do thing professionally, you know WWMD. (What Would The Mob Do). Then it hit me like a Daewoo hitting a…well you get the idea. I would dump the body in the east river; I mean, no one would think to look there right. After a few minutes I decided against it: the mob may be able to get away with dumping a body in the east river, but the cops usually find it in a few weeks, and I can’t have that.

SHIT! It’s quarter to six. I’ll figure this out at the office, I thought as I put the car in gear and speed off. It soon dawned on me that I couldn’t park the car in the parking garage with the windshield busted and all the broken glass in the back of the car, and I couldn’t afford call in sick to work and take it to a shop because Bebe’s body was in the trunk. Even in death she made my life a pain. I finally decided to park my car in the back lot next to the dumpsters, were no one would notice.

The clock said it was 6:03 as I ducked into my cubical to begin another pointless day of pencil pushing. As long as I can make it through the day with out having be on the receiving end of one of Marlins redundant “team player speeches” then I’ll be home free. Now it wasn’t that Jim Marlin was a bad supervisor so much as he was a limp dick blowhard that couldn’t motivate a turd let alone a person. Speaking of the Devil I wonder were……….Oh crap! I though as I quickly ducked behind my cubical wall hopping that he didn’t see me.

Handerson, We need to talk. Oh god please kill me, I thought as made his way to my cubical his fat gut shaking like a bowl full of jelly.

Yes, Mr. Marlin I said as I slowly stood up.

Tad I would like to talk with you in my office.

It was almost lunch when I was finally able to escape from his long-winded speech about “team work” and “productivity” the usual bullshit. Yeah I’ll show you productivity, you fat fuck. I though as I walk out of his office toward the back stairwell. As I made my way down the stairs I began to wonder what I was going to do with the body and how I was going to transport it. This murder thing was a lot harder than I would have thought; I mean they make it look so clean and simple on CSI and all those other shitty network crime drama shows.

It was almost twenty after one when I slowly entered through the back door. Hopefully that fat fuck Marlin was still at lunch, I bet that fat pig would live at Long John Silvers if he could. It seemed that the coast was clear as I peaked through doorway taking great care not to draw attention to my self. I was half way to my cubical when he caught me.


Handerson! Didn’t we have a little dialog about this before lunch? As he glowered at me while he held a greasy bag of hush puppies. I opened my mouth to say something but he cut me off.


I don’t want to hear it Tad, I warned you about coming in late and you did it any ways. But Mr. Marlin, I…. No Tad you’re fired, grab your stuff and leave, I want you out of here by 1:30 or I’ll have security escort you out.

Fine I didn’t wana work hear any ways you fat FUCK! I shouted as he walked away.

Get you’re goddamn hands off me! I shouted as security pulled hauled me down the stairs and threw me on the lobby floor.

And stay out Asshole. One of the guards said as they turned around and head back up stairs.

It was then that I heard a familiar voice, what was that all about Tad?

What the Hell do you care, BERT! I replied as I dusted my self off and made my way to the door.

Hey, just because Bebe left you for me doesn’t mean I’m not your friend.

We’ve never been friends Bert now stay the hell away from me, why don’t you go home to Bebe.

Well that’s the thing Tad. I don’t know were she is. You see we had a fight last night, so she went out for a walk but that was at 5 am.

My heart began to race, did he know what happened and was he going to tell the cops what he saw. Well I haven’t seen her! I blurted out as I hastily headed for the door.

She said she was going to call you. He said as I opened the door.

My heart almost stopped upon hearing that, she was going to call me I though. I just killed Bebe and she was going to call me. I just stood there like a statue, frozen by his statement.

Well, If you do see her call me Tad. Bert said as he walked away.