Intro

Note: You do not have to read this entire intro before reviewing! Chapter by chapter should work just fine, so that you know what changes are already planned and can focus your energies elsewhere.

Basically, I just want to know if this story seems interesting. Do you like any of the characters? Am I doing alright with the setting? Is there anything that isn't being understood? Are there any lines which you feel should be kept in the story somehow (great to know since I have a ton of editing ahead)? In getting rid of Grizz, do you feel another strongly-likable character is needed to replace him? I'd just really like to know what people think of the story- not the grammar or wording itself, which are easily changed.

All chapters, but for chapter 3, haven't been edited.

Chapter 1 - This chapter I plan to leave nearly as is. The bizarre happenings are actually what this story is about. Chapters 1-7 or so are really just the set up. Planned changes for this chapter include a brief switch to the doctors pov. The good doctor is going to become an Azel (a humanoid alien) so that aliens aren't just sprung on the reader in chapter 2. In this future, aliens have been integrated into society for a long time. I'm also going to make the first sentence stronger. I plan to do a number of these things all together. The new opening I'm toying with is Javan staring at the doctor's breasts (of which she has more than two), followed by a line about how men had been reacting this way to Azel females since first contact. I'm not sure yet who is going to be the first alien race introduced to humanity, though the general idea is that humans meet one race and that race already knows hundreds of others. Kind of a floodgate of awareness.

Chapter 2 - This chapter is an overly-long mess! I know this. I haven't edited it at all. The explanation of the IdentSystem is a bit redundant in places, and it sounds more like a lecture than a story. To remedy this, I'll be integrating the explanation into the conversation. Grizz will do most of the explaining, with Javan's thoughts about what he already knows and his questions back to Grizz will be taking the place of those 5 or 6 paragraphs. When I wrote it I was just figuring out some of the details myself. I needed to get it all written down before I could really fine-tune the chapter. I also may switch to Grizz's pov at some point during their encounter. I feel that it may add suspense if the reader knows he's putting on a brave, care-free front for Javan's sake.

Chapter 3 - The reason for editing chapter 3 is that I wanted to know whether the chapter was going to accomplish what I was going for or not. I wasn't fond of the chapter myself. People seemed to really like it, though everyone missed what I was trying to do. The chapter is meant to be a cool-down period. People got far too involved with Carmenda, which is not what I wanted. She isn't actually going to be in the novel again, but for a brief mention of two. I was really using this chapter to 1. break the action for a short time, 2. give some background on what relationships are like in this futuristic society, 3. show how his predicament is effecting him in daily life. What people got out of it was nothing more than he and Carmenda being in love, and it was suggested many times that I remove the information about Grizz and his anxiety about the run from the chapter. As that was the point of the chapter, I'm rewriting. He'll most likely meet up with a friend at a museum or coffee shop or wherever people hang out in the future. Maybe even one of the new casinos. I'm going to try to fit those three points into a different setting that will eliminate people's desire to know more about Carmenda. Still, comments on what was good and what wasn't would be useful to me. I plan to have many of the same details thrown into a new setting. I'm also still unsure whether I should really axe a character that people seem to like so much.

Chapter 4 - I haven't actually read this chapter again since I wrote it, but the conversation will likely flow the way it is here. It's just a very brief jump back to the present (doc's office), which I want to accomplish three things. 1. to remind the audience that he's telling this story to a psychiatrist, which will be of great importance later. 2. to remind people that the story he's telling is happening before the bizarre occurrences that led him to seek help. At this point he hasn't spoken a word to the doctor about the real reason for his visit. 3. to inform the reader of the startling info about Grizz. When I edit this chapter I'll be looking to make those three points as clear as possible, and I may switch the pov back to the doctor for a second. Undecided about the pov switch though.

Chapter 5 - Unfinished and, of course, unedited. This is the chapter in which Grizz explains why Javan has to do this run. Basically, Javan is short and they need someone with his stature and build. It's essentially an end to the suspense brought about in Chapter 2- what Grizz actually needs him for and how it will work.

Chapter 6 - This chapter is planned to be the actual run itself. Maybe some brief preparation, but the bulk of the action will take place in this chapter. What has happened to Grizz will be explained in the end of this chapter or beginning of the next.

Chapter 7 - This chapter will deal with the outcome of the run. Is he finished with the mob? Will he ever have to do another run? I imagine this one will be a short chapter.

Chapter 8 - Back the the psychiatrist's office for a brief talk about the run, and then the beginning of the real story. Javan thinks he is losing his mind, and it has nothing to do with Grizz or the run. Of course, that info is necessary and would be if he was seeking therapy. He suffered through some traumatic events and is now having real problems. I plan to do a bit more of this chapter from the doc's pov. She knows more about this problem than she's letting on. I may combine chapters 7 and 8. It depends on the flow.

Chapter 9 - Javan starts at the beginning of the "occurrences". Coffee has the texture of sand, cards mysteriously change suits right before his eyes, people seem to appear and disappear, flowers smell like burning rubber. Basically, all of his senses seem to be going haywire! He's confused and getting paranoid. He still works for the Emerald Sands Casino (and therefore the Draltian Mob).

From here the story will commence. Everything will be tied together in the end, but I don't want to give too much away just yet.




Any minor inconsistencies will be cleared up in future edits- for instance, the doctor being an Azel in Chapter 4 and a human in Chapter 1. If you notice one that really bothers you, feel free to let me know.

Feedback is appreciated. :)