shoelace

SHOELACE 1
by Mina

I remembered that it was summer when we moved in our new house, I was only nine years old then. During that time I used to dream of having a big happy family wherein my father will go to work every morning and goes back in the evening with a surprise for us. And my mother will take care of us, accompany us to school and help us whenever we find our homework tough. I also believed that I have lots of siblings who I can play and talk with, but all of these are only dreams that can never happen forever and the world I see is the reality that I can never escape. My father works hard for his business and seldom goes at home because he often abroad while my mother is a doctor who is committed almost twenty four hours a day. Even when I was a child I learned to became strong since I was always left alone in our house with my nanny who I think hates me because of my attitude. As my childhood days passed I became accustomed that when I came home from school I would see no living things in our big house, a cold house. The only friend I have is my room because it protects me and my books that I can talk with.
I hate every summer because I know my classmates will go outdoors with their families, having fun together while me…still left alone because my parents can’t find time for me. It will be a miracle if the three of us will have a dinner, I get annoyed whenever it happens because I’m very excited to tell them a lot about school but instead they used to talk about their job. So every dinner of our family I used to shut up my mouth and eat quietly until we gone home and all I can do is cry the whole night. I admit that I have everything in life but something is missing and until now I’m still haven’t found what I’m looking for. When I went into college I choose to live alone in my apartment but like the usual thing I seldom visit and see my parents at home. In school I don’t have close friends and most of them hate me but I don’t care. I had relationships but it only lasted for about a week and the longest one is about one month because most of them told me that I don’t deserve to have a guy because of my attitude and the way I treated them. As they broke my heart again and again I felt numb and said to my self that I will never fall in love again. I hate my world, my life and my self but this is who I am and I have to accept it even I don’t want to. A rock that’s most of them call me and I used to believe in but I thought I will be like that forever until he came, he proved me that even a rock can be soften and can feel pain.
I hate every Wednesday because it was our PE day wherein we have to wear a rubber shoes which I hate most because of its lace. I remembered a time when our PE professor told me to get her stuff in her office as a punishment because I told her that I don’t want to dance. As I walk carrying her heavy box, I stepped into something which makes my balance out and causing the things on the box to fall on the people towards me. I heard a loud voice from a girl as I also almost fall but someone hurriedly catch me but I know that person was also hurt because of the things that falls on him. As I stand up the girl walk towards me and shout “Hey! What have you done…you hurt my friend! Are you blind?” I look at her coldly “It’s not my fault” . “Huh…say sorry!” when I look at the guy he’s picking the things on the floor then the girl shouts “Nathan…don’t do that!” I was surprised but then I hurriedly take those things from his hands then say “Stop it…I don’t need your help” but then he just smile and continue picking. When we finished he gave the box to me “You’re so absurd…maybe at least you can say thank you?” the girl continues “I don’t ask him to help me, so there’s no way to say that”. “Nathan lets go…we’re only wasting our time talking to a rock!” then the girl walk but the guy didn’t move so I continue to walk (Him) “Wait…” he said as I stopped then he kneeled; when I look down he’s trying to fix my shoelace then I realized that I step on it. After he finished he smiled “You’re right…it’s not your fault. Be careful next time…bye!” then he left me. I get annoyed and tell to my self that I will never wear shoes with lace anymore.
After a week I receive a call from my mother, she wanted to have dinner with my father. Although I doubt I still come and believe that I will just do the same thing I does. At that day, I don’t know if I’m going to enter but I admit that I’m very excited to see them. When I arrived in the place I took a deep breath then turns back but I was surprised when I see the person in front of me. “Hi! Nice to see you again!” it was him, the guy who fixed my shoelace but then I just give him a look “So…you’re having a dinner?” he said “Why are you talking to me? I don’t know who you are!” he smiles “Sorry…I’m Nathan!” then he offer his hand. I just snob him “I’m Corrine” then I walk towards the table where my parents are. The dinner is not that good as usual, different unlike to those people around us. As I look around I saw him on the table near to us with his family; how I envied these people around me for having fun with their family and friends. We eat quietly as if we didn’t know each other until my father speak to me “How’s your school?” I look at him sarcastically “When did you have the interest to know?". “Is that the right way to treat your father?” “Why…have you ever thought the way you treated me?” I was about to stand when my mother speak “Corrine…please sit down!” then I sit “Not again…please both of you calm down. We have to talk!” “Mom, I need to go I have a class tomorrow”. “Corrine please just a minute…there’s something we wanted to tell you” “We’re having a divorce!” my father said “Martin…” When I heard it I felt a pain that I never expect, my body feels weak as I stands up then smiles “It’s great! Finally you realized…you can do what ever you want! I need to go…it’s nice to see you again together for the last time…Mom, Dad! Goodbye.” Then I turns back and hurriedly walks fast without looking on my way until I blocks someone, I just look at him then continue walking.
A week had past since that night and I received a call that my Mom and Dad were not finally together. They don’t know how much pain they caused me but I realized that I have to become stronger than before. I continue my life alone, a life with no one else to run for and to trust with but only my self. Everyday is my worst day; I don’t have anyone I can talk with in the class but at least I feel relief every time I’m in the library. One day I was there reading alone when someone sit on my table “Hi Corrine…may I sit with you?” I just look at him then continue reading. He sits in front of me then starts to open the books he has but then after a few minutes he closed them. “Boring…reading isn’t fun!” I know he’s staring at me but I didn’t look back then he took a deep breath “Why are you so serious? We’re young, we suppose to enjoy our lives…look at your face, wrinkles starting to form…Smile!” he said then I look at him sharply “Shut up! Stay away from me!” he laughs spftly “Calm down…you're annoyed gain! I just want to make you smile” “It’s not funny” he smile then say “Life is too short…if you will be like that forever, you will not be happy. Have some fun and be friendly!”. “Are you teaching me what to do with my life?” “No…I just want to give you a friendly advice” “Who told you that we’re friends?” Hum…actually we are!” I stand up then picks my things. “Wait…where are you going?” I just snob him “You don’t care!” then I walk away “If you need a friend…I’m just here, bye Corrine!”. Although he annoyed me, he somehow makes me feel happy. Every time I saw him usually in the corridor or in the library he always smiled at me but I always ignored him. I remember a time when I was in the school canteen; I was eating alone when one of the student from the other table pour a water on my plate “Ops…sorry the bottle slip on my hand!” then they laugh. I look at her sarcastically then say “Don’t worry its okay!” then she turns to their table laughing. I stand up and buy a drink then I went to their table “Excuse me…I buy a drink for you!” then I pour the juice over her head as she shout and stand together with her friends “Stop it!” then she push me but I pushed her even harder which made her sit then I shout on her “It’s your fault!” I know we’re creating a commotion then a group of guys went towards us, one of them is her boyfriend “What happened?” “That bitch hurt me!” then the guy faced me but I’m not afraid of him. The girl stand then tries to slap me but someone blocks it, I was surprised when I saw Nathan in front of me “Stop it…don’t hurt her” then the guy punch him on his face but then he just smile the say “I don’t want trouble…we’re sorry!” I get angry then I walk away. I walk so fast but he runs towards me “Hey…Corrine!” I still continue “Corrine wait!” I stop then face him. “What do you want?” “Please calm down…you’re angry again!” “Why did you do that?”, “I just want to help you!” “I’m not asking you to help me!” “But I want it” “To get a punch in return? You’re absurd!” he take a deep sigh “Don’t be so tough on your self…I’m your friend, I’m not your enemy!” “I don’t need a friend…I can live alone!” “But lonely! I want you to become happy…I’m just here for you” I smiles sarcastically “I don’t need you!” then I walk away.
I know I hurt him from what I’ve said but that was in my mind during that time in contrast with what I felt. I felt upset because it was the first time I felt worried on the feeling of others. I don’t understand and I realized that I pushed away again another friend who I know cares a lot about me. When I went back to school after that day I felt guilty every time I saw him, although I wanted to talk to him so many times my pride stopped me to do so. Starting that day I felt like he stays away from me and he never went to the library which I missed a lot every time he annoyed me. I thought one day he will talk to me but I’ve waited for so long hoping that he still cares about me but he didn’t came. Maybe I just hurt him that much that’s why when our school ball came he didn’t show up to invite me. At that night everybody are having fun while I’m sitting on the table alone. Actually I really don’t want to go there because I know I will be left out but my professor told me to come in exchange for our practical in dancing. Since the program started I didn’t move there and I get bored as hour pass by until one of my classmate went towards me. “Corrine! Professor Lee wanted to see you…she’s on the floor!” “She’s dancing?” I asked “Yes!” “Maybe I can talk to her later!” “She insisted! Just approach her there!” then she walk away. Although I really don’t want to go there and I doubt I still continue to see her and at the same time to ask a permission to leave. As the different lights flashing on and off with a very loud music I felt annoyed because most of the people bump me as I walk to find our professor. After a few minutes of searching I didn’t see her so I decided to leave but when I was about to go the music stops and the lights turns off then a spot light turns on me. I notice that I was alone on the floor, my heart beat fast as I hear people laughing around me. I feels angry then I shout “Whose doing this to me! Show up…coward!” then their laughter's gets louder. I try to walk although all I can see is dark but the spot light still follows me; I felt like I was walking on a cave without ending “Stop it! Are you having fun…ha! Anyone who’s doing this will pay!” I said angrily then the lights turns on and a group of girls walk towards me “Hum…so how do you feel to be ignored?” “Oh…I’m afraid she’s angry!” then they laugh. I look at them shrply “Shut up!” “Corrine…it’s so embarrassing!” I felt like I was exploding that time as I look around I felt like I was alone and the world is against me “Miss…speak up!” “Oh my…don’t tell me the rock was hurt, does it have feelings?” “I don’t think so!” then they laugh again. I look at them blankly “Are you done?” then I turn back but one of them pulls my hair. I know the people around us don’t care on what’s happening and I think they also having fun doing this to me “We’re talking to you…don’t you have manners?” I smiles “I don’t have time talking to nonsense things like you! Crap!” then one of them tries to hurt me but someone came along “Stop it…it’s over!” I was surprised and I never expect that he will come again. “You don’t care!” one of them said but he just smiles “We suppose to enjoy the night! Come on…stop this nonsense show” “Stupid… Nathan don’t waste your time saving her! She’s a trash in this university!”. “You know what…if you think I am a trash I pity you because I am better than you!” I said “You’re enough!” they shouted “Hey…please stop! Guys calm down” I turns back then say “There’s no way to stay here!” “Corrine wait!” he looks at me then turns to them. “You’re already making a commotion” he aid but one of the girl smile then walk towards him “Nathan…I know you’re kind but please choose helping people because one day you’ll regret helping her!” he smiles “Sorry but…I can’t let anyone hurt my friend” he said then pulls me as we walk away. At that time I don’t feel alone anymore, he saved me and I feel so happy on what he did. As we leave the place I know everybody was surprised but then the music signals that the night isn’t over for them. When we reach outside I don’t know what I’m going to tell him as I pulls my hand “They will pay doing this to me! I hate them!” he looks at me seriously “Are you hurt?” “Of course not! I don’t care about them” “But I know you’re hurt” “Who told you? You don’t know me!” “Corrine stop pretending that everything is okay…you’re only hurting your self” “Stop it…you’re annoying me again. Why did you show up? You’re angry with me because on what I’ve said to you…right?” “Of course not…I show up because my friend needs me” “Stay away from me…they are right, you will regret saving me. I am not deserving to be your friend because I think…your just too good to be true” he smiles “Maybe you’re right…I’m just too good that’s why I wanted to be your friend” “You’re just wasting your time…I have to go!” I turn back then walk but I stop then smiles without looking at him “Nathan…this will be the first and the last time that I will say this…Thank you!” then I continue walking “You’re welcome! Bye Corrine.”
I don’t know his intention on what’s he’s doing but I admit that I’m starting to liking him but I’m not pretty sure if everything is real. Now I can say that because of him I feel less lonely and I somehow feel happy because despite on the way I treated him, he’s still there to listen and talk with me. I remembered a time when I used to know him better, it was raining that day. I was standing under a shed of a building when he came “Are you going home?” “Yes” “Come on…I’ll bring you to your car!” “Okay…” then we walk under his umbrella. While walking “Do you want some coffee?” “No…and I don’t drink coffee” “What about a tea? Please…” he smiled when I nodded. We drink tea in the cafeteria, as I look outside he speaks “You know what…every time it rains… I remember you” I look at him “Because I’m cold?” he smiles “No you’re not! You’re just pretending to be strong so that no one will hurt you!” “That’s not true” “Are you happy with your life?” “I don’t need to answer that!” “Because you don’t know the answer!” “Stop annoying me…just keep your mouth shut and don’t ask anything about my life!” “Okay…last question! Do you have time?” “Why?” “I wonder if it would be better… if I will just tell you about my story!” “Actually I don’t care about others people’s lives but…somehow I wanted to know what they do with their lives” then he smile and starts to tell the things he do. I was surprised on the things he told me but what surprised me most was myself because I listened to him carefully even I just look outside the window. He’s fond of guitars so he’s a member of a band in the university and now I understand why they know him. He said he does everything to make himself happy because he believes that life is too short and people should enjoy the kind of life they had. I don’t understand on most of the things he said but what was cleared to me was the reason on why he wanted to be my friend, he wanted to change someone’s life while he’s living. He also said that he wants to take up Medicine but something happened which he doesn’t mention and now he’s taking up Chemistry which he does not find interesting but quite related with what he wants. As I listen to him I don’t know what I would feel as well as what to react. We didn't noticed that the rain had stopped and it was almost dark that’s why we decided to leave but what had happened makes me feel different on the way I look at him. I don’t understand why I become interested with his life, I don’t feel boredom every time he talks and he makes me feel that I am important in this world, that I make sense even I treated people in a rude way as what they call it.
Starting then we often see each other usually in the library, since as days passed I became comfortable with him. I admit that I can’t control my bad attitude towards him but then I don’t know how he changed my mood every time I got angry. He’s funny, I don’t even see sadness in his eyes and he’s the only person that makes me smile every time we have a conversation. Sometimes I feel sad realizing that maybe I can’t return all his kindness to me and being so hard to him most of the time makes me blame myself for hurting him. Until now I can’t even believe that I’ve done crazy things that I don’t do before because of him. I remembered a time when he lied to me and invited to buy some books but instead we ended up in a theme park. I almost killed him at that moment because I hate that place…because it only reminds me of my childhood days when I insisted to my parents to go there but it never happens; but then he just take all the anger I blown to him and forced me to ride on those stupid rides. I can’t imagine myself while riding on the roller coaster as well as those other rides since it was my first time in a theme park. After we left the place instead of anger I felt relieved because I realized that I’d already forgot the reason why I hate that place. Another crazy stuff that we’ve done was when we slip to our class which I never done in my whole life except for some important reason. We just go to a movie house and watched a very funny movie; it’s so amazing because that was the first time I heard myself laughing so badly. I don’t know how but he showed me a different world, a world that full of happiness that I never knew before. He’s a type of person that does everything to live life to the fullest and like he always said that we don’t need to waste time because life is too short and we have to enjoy every second of it.
One day he invited me to come on one of his gig, as usual he does everything for me to agree to his invitation and despite of being annoyed I still come because it’s his birthday. After they play that night we went to a dinner; somehow I feel uncomfortable with the place because there are people dancing on the floor just near our table. While eating “Why are you not celebrating with your family?” “Because I want my birthday to become happy and especial” “You’re not happy with them?” “Of course not! I’m so lucky to have them but if I go home they will just scold me and get angry” “But why?” “Because there’s something they want me to do that I really hate” “What it is then?” he smiled then took a deep sigh. “Sometimes there are things that are better left unsaid…sorry” “Okay” then I continue eating “Are you annoyed?” (Me) “No!” he smiles (Him) “Yes you are…look at me” “I’m not!” “Don’t worry I’ll tell it to you when the right time comes” I just give him a look then we continue eating. When we finished I don’t know why he’s staring at me “Stop staring at me!” “What if I don’t?” then he smiles “If you don’t stop I’ll leave you here!” “I know you can’t” I smiles “Hum…don’t try me Nathan!” “No you can’t Corrine…” I snob him then stand up and walk but he hurriedly follows then held my hands. ( “Hey what are you doing?” I said as he pulls me “We’re going to dance!”. I was shocked when he said that “Nathan! I don’t want to dance…I hate dancing!” I tries to pull my hand but he’s too strong while holding it as we reached the dance floor. “I know you can do it” “I hate you! I will never forgive you!” “Okay!” then he smiles. I certainly feel angry while dancing and despite of how many times I tried to escape he still held my hands tightly. “I want to stop now…it’s very embarrassing!” “Don’t be shy with them…I thought you doesn’t care with others?” “Of course I do but…I hate dancing!” I bowed my head. “Corrine…are you okay?” “Let’s just stop this nonsense thing!” when we stop I walk away because I can’t control the tears that may fall anytime. And when I reached the parking area I can’t help but cry “Corrine!” I hurriedly wiped my tears when I heard him then I showed up “Nathan…I want to go home!” “Are you crying?” “Of course not…a rock doesn’t know how to cry!” I was surprised when he walks towards me then embrace me “How hard it is to tell what you really feel? I don’t want to see you hurting your self!” “Please…just let go of me!” but instead he held me tightly “Why can’t you trust me? How long would you treat your self as a rock?” “You don’t care!” (Him) “Yes I do! Because I want to ease the pain you have in your heart!” then I doesn’t notice that my tears starting to fall like a river. I shout as I speak “You don’t understand! You don’t know how hard it is to live alone without the love of your parents…you don’t know the pain of envying your classmates because they’re having fun with their family during summer vacation! It’s hard…it’s very difficult for me to admit that I am different among others while growing up. And you don’t know how much pain my parents caused me when they're not even there to support what I really love to do…I love to dance! I really love doing it but they reject it and make me feel that I’m just wasting my time doing nonsense thing. I hate them for having a child who they can’t even give some love and importance! Now tell me…how will you care for a person who can’t even care for others?” he looks at me seriously “Corrine…I care for you…because I love you!” I was shocked and surprised on what he said then I step backward trying to think that it’s not true. I smiles sarcastically “That’s not true!” “From the very first time I saw you…I fell in love with you but I doubt that you’ll accept it and I’m so afraid that you’ll be hurt because of me" “Nathan you’re absurd! How can a person love others if she can’t even love herself?” “Corrine…I know you’re not like that!”. I shouts on him “Shut up! Can’t you see it? You’re so stupid to think that I will love a person like you!” then I turn back then walk away. I left him there and I feel so stupid because I realized how I love him so much and I can’t forgive myself for hurting him that much.
After that night I didn’t go to school for about a week because I feel so tired of everything and I almost stayed at my room for the whole day. He tried to call me so many times but I never answer even a single one. I’m so stubborn; I can’t let myself eat my pride even there were moments that I wanted to tell him what I feel. I realized that after I told him most of the things that bothers me since then I felt relieved and it somehow less painful for me now. Now I can admit that he changed me, Nathan helps me cope up with my agonies and he saved me from being so down. After how many weeks I’ve waited for him to call me again but it never happens that’s why I decided to go back to school to see him. I never expect that he’s been absent for about a week too so I feel so worried. I tries to call him this time but he never answer; I know that I hurt him again but this time I can’t forgive myself because I caused him a huge pain. I’ve waited for him as days pass especially in the library hoping that he will show up to make me smile but it never happens. I also went to the bar where his band usually plays but he’s not there and they don’t know what happen to him. Actually I can’t imagine that I’m doing all of these because of him. I’m not the type of person who will do everything to find someone even I need that person so badly. But what I’m doing right now makes me feel that I’d already eaten my pride and ready to admit my mistakes.
After a month I was surprised when I received a call from him; I’m very excited to see him and I feels so happy. The rain is falling so hard that night when we meet each other in the bar, while watching him playing the guitar with his band I realized how I missed him a lot. After they played I can’t understand why most of the time he never speaks and I also get annoyed with myself why I can’t say anything. Then we decided to talk outside, it takes a long silence before I speak “Nathan…I missed you” “Me too…so what do you want to talk about?” I feels uncomfortable because he’s too serious “Hum…you look pale!” “Me? Maybe it’s just cold!” “Yah right…by the way, I just want to say…” “To say what?” “To say…” “Don’t say it…if you can’t!” I was surprised on what he said; I just want to say that I’m really sorry on what I’ve done before and I want him to know that I love him. Then he smiles “This will be my last night with my band…as well as with you!” again I was surprised and I’m so bewildered on what’s happening “What do you mean?” he smiles “After a month of not seeing you…I just realized that I don’t need you!” “Nathan…why are you saying this to me?” “Because you will never change! My patience is over with your attitude!” “So the truth was finally revealed…I thought you’re different…I thought you’re not like them!” “Because they’re right about you!” “Right about what?” “About being so selfish! I’m so sick of the way you treated me because you’re numb!” “Like a rock? So your kindness isn’t real and you just make me believe that you’re the only person I can trust with” I feel like the world betrayed me at that moment then he smiles “I also realized…that falling in love with you is the greatest mistake I ever had!” when he said that I felt my heart breaks into pieces then I feel so weak but I tell myself to become strong even it’s so painful. “I knew it! I’m a biggest mistake in every person’s life! You know what…I don’t feel any pain anymore because I don’t love you and everything you have said about me was nonsense!” I turns back because my tears is starting to fall then I walk under the rain but I stop when he speak “Corrine…you decision is right! I’m sorry” I don’t understands what he means about that but then I continue walking and when I reached my car I can’t help but cry because I never expect that it is more painful what had happened than before. I admit that I love him even more because he’s the only person who let me feel the only thing that I’ve been looking for so long and that is…the love he showed me unconditionally.
The world is so unfair! Am I that bad to suffer in my whole life? All the people I loved push me away, but I never ask for big things. I just want to be loved, why is it very difficult to have? The world betrayed me, people hate me, my parents left me and Nathan…the only person I love most hate and left me. I can’t cry no more, I know I cannot feel anything and there’s no sense to blame everything because it is my entire fault. After how many days I return to my usual life, a life with no one to depend on because I know one day everything will ends. I don’t have any idea on what had happened to him after that night; he dropped in school and I never see him for another month. Sometimes I miss him; because of him I’m not afraid to go in a theme park as well as to watch funny movies. Now I always wear my rubber shoes whenever I go outside because I’m still hoping that he will show up and tries to fix its lace whenever it unties; how I hope he’s with me right now.
Until one day I came late from school when I saw a woman in front of my apartment. The woman looks so depress but when she saw me, she smiles “Corrine? Are you Miss Corrine?” I was surprised because she knows me “Why? How do you know my name?” she just smiles then her tears start to fall “You’re so beautiful!” I don’t understand on what’s happening“Maam…what do you want?” she shook her head “Not me…but my son needs you!” my heart beat fast then I get confused “Your son? Excuse me but I don’t know who you are!” “I’m Nathan’s mother” I was surprised when he said that. “Nathan?” then the woman cries “Please…he needs you! His condition is deteriorating right now” I feels worried “Maam…I don’t understand! What happened to him?” “You should come with me to see him” I’m so nervous when we ended up in a hospital then they let me enter in the ICU. My tears start to fall when I see him lying on the bed and I feel so heavy while walking towards him. I don’t know what to say or even what to do; I want to slap myself thinking that everything is a dream. It can’t be real, Nathan is very strong and I never see any sign of being sick when we were together. I can’t believe it, is it joke? Of all people why him? I put my hand on his face then when I look at his hand I cries because he’s holding our picture beside him. Now I understand why he has to say those things to me that night even he didn't want to. He has to push me away so that I will not see his suffering…because he loves me.
After how many days he became better and returns to his private room. I don’t understand myself why I can’t show up, although I tried so many times to see him my knees are shaking every time I’m in front of his room. During the night I always go there when he’s at sleep, taking care of him and staring at his face. One morning I heard him screaming outside his room “Who took it! Where is it…where’s the picture?” then I open the door; his eyes widens as he saw me walking towards him. “What are you doing here?” then he look at his mother “I’m sorry son!” then she goes out. I smiles “You don’t need that picture anymore…because I’m here” “Did she told you my condition?” “Don’t blame her…she only cares about you!” then he turn back “Go away! I don’t want you to see me in this kind of situation” “Nathan I’m sorry! I lied…” “Don’t say that…you should hate me and don’t eat your pride just because I’m sick!” “Yes I admit that I’m stubborn…I’m so hard and I always hurt you but I just want you to know that I am so stupid walking away without saying what I really feel!” he smiles bitterly “Corrine…don’t change because of pity!” then he returns to his bed “Nathan! You kept it all…you came into my life to ease my loneliness. Now let you share with me your sorrow” he looks at me “But I don’t want to prolong your agonies!” then I sit beside him and embrace him “But I love you!” he hold my hands and look at me then he smiles “If you choose to stay you will be hurt because one day I’ll leave you!” “Don’t say that…I don’t care if I get hurt! Remember I’m immune!” I laugh softly then bows my head. “You’re so stubborn…but I love you!” he wiped my tears then embrace me so tight.
Sometimes I think that it’s better if I’m the one who got sick because Nathan is a wonderful person and he doesn’t deserve to suffer. He’s very kind because he only thinks for the happiness of others and he doesn’t care of what kind of person you are as long as you need his help; he’s willing to give what he has. He helped me changed and I never regret being at his side till the end. Finally I had my happiest summer vacation because we spend our time together with his family and for the very first time I felt that I have home. I remember the day when we had our last walk together; I can still feel how he hold my hand tightly while walking and I can still see his smile at me “You know what…I want to be a neurologist to cure my father’s disease but now…I can’t because I also have that disease” “Nathan…it’s not your fault! If you will keep on blaming your self I will get angry with you!” “How I wish I never came into your life” “Do you regret it?” he smiles then shook his head “I’m so thankful because you did! You changed my life…you change me” he stops walking then I look at him “Is there’s something wrong?” he walk towards me then kneels. I smiled as I saw him fixing my shoelace then he stands up “Lets sit on the bench…I’ll teach you how to fix your shoelace! So that when I’m gone you can do it by your own!” I step backward “No…I don’t want because I want you to fix it forever and I want you to catch me when I fall whenever I step on it” I know saying those words makes it difficult for him to leave me. He looks at me seriously “If someone leaves you it doesn’t mean that they don’t love you…they only have to do it even they don’t want to” he hold my hands then smiles “Corrine…be strong but don’t be too much hard on your self, you’d already changed…please forget your past and don’t go back to what you believe you are before! Be happy that’s all I want you to be…okay!” I bows my head “Nathan…thank you!” then he embraces me. I hesitate for a while then whisper “Why can’t you accept the operation?” he looks at me surprisingly “How did you know that? Did they tell you? Do you know the consequence of it?” I nodded “Then why do you want me to do that!” “Because I want you to live!” he smiles sadly “But it’s the same as dying! I will lose all my memory…I will lose everything including you!” my tears falls “But I can’t let you die!” “Corrine…I love who I am right now…I’m so happy to be with you and I want to take every single moment I had when I die!” “Nathan listen to me! I love you but I can’t let another love one leaves me again…especially you! Please do it for me” then he keeps quiet for a moment “What if I do it? I’m so afraid that I can never return…we can never be the same again as what we are right now!” I smiles “Don’t worry…I’m strong! I will wait for you…even if it takes the remainder of my life” he hold my hands tightly then he smiles “I know one day our road will cross again…I hope when that time comes I’ll be able to remember you but if I don’t…please embrace me tightly so that I can feel that you’ve been a part of my life” then a tears fall from his eyes as I nods and smiles. I don’t know if I’m happy or sad when he finally confirmed that he will undergo to that operation. Even there is a huge chance for him not to come back I am not that afraid anymore because now I understand that sometimes you have to return the gratitude to someone who help you and hold your hand when you feel that the world is against you.
I remembered that it was a raining Friday when his operation was held at the same time of my graduation. At that time I choose to be by his side for a while before they do it; I was sitting beside his bed while waiting for the doctors and the scheduled time. As I held his hand I felt like it would be the last “Corrine…you’re so beautiful with your dress! What time is your graduation?” “Nathan…don’t worry they will wait for me!” then he laughs softly and stares at me “Hey…why are you staring at me?” he smiles “I just want to remember your face…if I could!” I smiles then put my hand on his face but as the doctors and nurses start to enter the room I get nervous as well as him because he holds my hand tightly. Then one of the doctor approach us “Sir…get ready we’ll start in a minute” then he nods and looks at me “You can go now…you’ll be late!” but I didn’t move as I almost hear the beat of my heart. After a while a nurse came and requests me to go outside; I felt weak and my knees are shaking while slowly walking towards the door but I stop when he speaks “Corrine…I love you! What ever happens I will come back…I promise” I look at him then smiles (Me) “I love you most…I’ll wait!” then my tears start to fall. As the door close I saw him whisper “Goodbye Corrine…” then as we both close our eyes in just a glimpse every memory flashes back. I remembered that at that time I had my worst cry in my entire life while driving to my graduation ceremony.
That was the past I always love to remember; a memory that I will never forget. I choose to stay away from him when I confirmed that his operation was successful because I don’t want to force him to love me again even it hurts a million times. Since then I never had news about him and I haven’t seen him for almost three years. Today I had my own work and I even feels good because my relationship with my parents becomes better even they were not together. I admit that I’d already changed; I know that I am better person because of him and also if ever our road will cross again want to be the new Corrine that the new Nathan will fall in love with. Now at this very moment I’m sitting on a bench while watching the setting of the sun which I do almost everyday. I realized that I’m not tired, I’m still waiting for him; maybe not today but there’s always been tomorrow. I stand up then picks my things but one of my books fell; I smile because I thought the man who kneel will pick my book but I was surprised when he tries to fix the lace of my shoes. My heart beat fast as he stand up and gives my book then he smiles. My eyes becomes widen when I recognized who’s the person in front of me “I always saw you here almost everyday…would you mind if I ask you why?” he said “Because I’m waiting for someone” “Did that someone show up?” I shook my head then my tears starting to form as I say “But it’s over…I know he will never come back because I think he’s happy on where he is right now” he smiles “Me too…I’ve been waiting for someone I don’t know…but I guess she’s also happy right now” a long silence took place between us as we just stare on each other. He smile as he offers his hand “By the way…I’m Nathan!” then my tears start to fall as I take his hand “I’m Corrine…” then I embrace him so tight “Corrine!” he whisper. I know he doesn’t understand what’s happening but I am so happy to see him again and I just want him to feel that I am the one he’s been looking for. I believe that even he forgot me our love will never go; I hope this time we can build a new memories that will never be forgotten…a memory that will never be unties again.