Deep Within

My world was dark and lifeless. My eyes were full of tears, hands soaked with blood. A sudden flash of vivid light shook me from my dream. Within an instance I had the strange dwelling sensation that I was not alone.

I woke with eyes imprinted to the wall paper surrounding me and the sound of shallow breathing that was not my own. I closed my eyes and my world went black once more. I shook my head vigorously and to my surprise instead of the eyes colouring my wall paper, I found crimson red blood covering and dripping from my walls. It was slowly descending to the ground with a soothing ‘drip, drip, drip’.

I looked to my arms and found strange markings cut deeply into them. Such strange marking that somehow felt so familiar and comforting despite the immense pain I should be feeling.

I turned my focus to the walls once more and was startled by the sight of the drying blood on the wall. The blood wrote a message, a warning, preaching:
“Beware the answers you seek.
Beware the world you trust.
Look towards the sun
And feel the shadows
Fall behind you”

As the message disappeared I glance at my clock, it was time to leave my safe haven and venture out towards school, the place where my life is worth, well… nothing.

I was rushing from my darkened room, I almost forgot the cuts dominating my arms, and I quickly dressed in my mandatory uniform and began to scavenge for my jumper despite it being summer.

As I run down the stairs and out the door, my “mum” shouted “What is wrong with you child!? Its nearly 50 degrees outside and your running around in a jumper.” I ignored her vindictive comments, as usual, and continued to run towards a place that made me fear even the slightest of movements… school.

The sun was blinding as I ran clumsily towards the kerb. As I bounded from the final step of our doorway, my luck struck me and I hit the pavement with a ‘thud’. This was forever happening to me. Everything about me suggested that I rarely left the comfort of my walls… it was true.

I had a pale- almost dying- complexion and jet black hair plagued with strips of violent purple. Many people considered me to be an ‘emo’ because of the dark frame of eye liner I wore around my eyes (to cover the very real rings I already had) as well as my hermit-like behaviour, I rarely ever talked.

Well for the most, people judge me for my appearance and never bother to ask. My eyeliner conceals my dreams plagued with hatred and fear. I stick to myself because… well… at least I know I’ll never betray myself.

I haven’t always been this way. I used to be normal. I used to have friends. I was once healthy. That was until high school took my life, chewed it up and spat it back out leaving me with nothing, no one and no raison d'être. This was the beginning of my plummeting depression and since then it’s only gotten worse.

Every now and then I let someone in. I reach for help, but it always turns out the same. They turn their backs and leave me even more alone then I was before. So, I’ve given up on people now. There’s no help for me…
Something felt different today, wrong. I started to feel the presence of another being, another soul but no shelter for that essence.

I quickened my pace, I wasn’t sure why but I was scared. Tears began to flow from my eyes and run down my cheeks but they were not clear. Each tear was red and as it ran down my cheek and hit the ground beneath my feet, it bore a cut deeper and deeper into my face.

As I turned round a corner I saw the gates that I had never before been so glad to find. I ran even harder and to my luck (once more) I ran straight into the school counsellor and sent her flying into the pavement and myself into the fence.

I woke up in a strange place. A white room you could say, it smelt of bleach and other chemicals, kind of like a hospital. “Yuck”, I thought, “I hate hospitals”. I was lying in a bed under a white blanket, it was peacefully ominous and I felt as though I was not alone. I went to get up and felt that I couldn’t. My body wouldn’t move, it was heavy and I was weak.

A few moments later the counsellor, Miss Celestic, walked into the room and seated herself by my bed with pen and paper in hand. She grabbed my hand gently and rolled up my sleeve. She began to caress my arm as tears well up in her eyes.

The first words to stumble from her mouth were words every teenager with issues dreads. “Are you okay?” She spoke so gently it was almost calming.

What is with that question? It’s so simple to ask but so complicated to answer. Three words ‘are’, ‘you’, ‘ok’ how hard is it to simply say yes or no? This question was to test whether you would reach out or cave in. The real question was do I know how to ask for help? I’ve been suffering in silence for the past four years and never asked for help. Can I really be saved?

I didn’t answer; I just laid there staring at the roof. She looked me directly in the eyes and asked me once more, “Are you okay?”

This time I answered “Yes” I replied in an almost silent voice barely heard by the person sitting right next to me. She scribbled something down on her paper, dried her tears and left the room once more.

I tried again to leave and found it a little easier to pry myself from the bed and stumble out the door. I walked (more like staggered) through the empty, lifeless corridors of my school. I got to the art room before I began to feel faint once more, as I entered the room, my world fell dark and I heard once single voice call “Kryn”,

When I woke this time it was in a familiar setting, it was the art room and I was being held in a warm embrace by an unfamiliar face. I panicked and began to fight to break free from his clutches. He hushed me and slowly let me go.

Frantically I looked around the room and saw that everyone else in the room was lifeless and still. I stared at the stranger and he simply smiled. It was a familiar comforting smile that left me feeling safe and calm. He rose from his seat, pulled a delicate black rose from his white jacket pocket and brushed it past his silver hair. He knelt and offered the rose to me, he also offered his name. His voice was as smooth as silk as it flowed through my ears “I am Jaryan, a Leireness. I can see your soul and your true intentions. I am neither mortal nor immortal, I am simply an essence. I am not bound by time or space and the person I choose to share this with is free as well. I have chosen you Kryn and your heart has chosen me. I am sorry that I scared you this morning, I was unaware that my presence would cause you so much distress.”

I blankly stared at him. I’m not quite sure whether what he was saying was confusing me or whether I was taken in by his picture perfect face. “Wait!” I thought to myself, “Maybe I’m concussed”. I opened my mouth to reply, not one word spilled from my mouth. I hid my head in shame.

Jaryan chuckled lightly and gentle pulled me towards him once more. He held me closely against his chest and asked me “Can you hear my heart beat? Can you feel my warmth?” I nodded my head once. It was only then did I realise the movement return to the class and felt an immense wave of fear wash over me.

I chanced a quick glance at the others in the art room to find them all whispering “What the hell? Is she crazy or what?”

It was then that I realized only I could see Jaryan and only I could hear him. Only I was blessed.

His face suddenly had a bright golden glow to it and his gentle smile re-entered his face once more. He replied, “Only you can feel my heart, my presence, my soul. Only you, only you.”

“The time has come where I must leave you; beware of the eyes that deceive the sky. Be careful; always know I’ll be with you.”

With his final words he kissed me on the cheek and disappeared in a familiar flash of vivid light. The room was suddenly booming with movement and noise (like my little case of crazy didn’t matter)but as per usual, I was invisible to the majority. The only person ever acknowledging my existence was the teacher.

Mr. Eyre walked to where I sat and calmly asked that same dreaded question, “Are you okay?” Once again I nodded slightly although this time a puzzled look spread across his face; he abruptly grabbed a piece of blank paper and a piece of black charcoal. He knelt next to me and asked me to draw what I was thinking. I grabbed it unwillingly and began to draw the shadows that remained when Jaryan left me here alone.

Sir looked at my drawing grabbed another piece of paper and asked me to continue. With the other piece I drew a picture of my arms and the blood running down my walls. This picture worried him more. He went to grab my arm but I pulled it away before he could. He began to worry and although his face hid his worry, his eyes showed only the truth.

He went to say something but quickly thought it to be a bad idea as his eyes drifted towards the door. The expression on his face changed from concern to fear as a strange dark figure entered the room. I was quickly ordered to take my seat, which luckily for me was in the far back corner of the room concealed by the shadows. The stranger was having a violent argument with Mr. Eyre before the rest of the class noticed and shortly after, Mr. Eyre was hauled out of the room by the dark figure. Subsequently the bell for the end of school rang and to my surprise I had hardly done anything in a whole day of school besides from lying down.

I gathered my things and hastily exited the school grounds. As I fled, the sky turned grim and shouted its fury. Teardrops were hurled from heavens very eyes and screams of impurity followed with magnificent flashes of truth.

I began to feel scared, like the sky was furious with me. I was all alone with no one to ask for help. I ran as fast as I could and made my way towards the only place I ever felt no one could hurt me… the old cave by shattered bay.

This cave was the place where I was found. The people I call my parents are really nothing more than people who took pity on me and granted me shelter but never taught me love. I’ve always been so alone, I’ve never had anyone to trust or call my own. This cave was the closest thing to a home I ever found.

As I entered my haven I noticed a strange sinking feeling suddenly overcome my body. I felt weak, everything grew black and just before it all faded, I noticed a pair of glimmering purple eyes. I instantly knew I was in trouble.

“Where am I?” shouted a voice in the back of my mind. I thought to myself, “Yeah, where am I?” I was in a large white room, lying in a bed. I was dressed in a beautiful robe plagued with golden threads telling a story of the castles origins. I felt so weird. It all felt so familiar yet so strange at the same time. I went to move from the bed but felt that I couldn’t. My ankle felt heavy, like I was wearing shackles and to my surprise… I was.

I tried to force my way free from the shackles but found another twist waiting for me. The shackles were carved to cause deep incisions with any movement but also sound a very quiet alarm that only creature with sonic hearing would be able to hear.

“Yay!” I thought, as a cloaked figure entered the room, snickering quietly.