Purgatory

Earth is my purgatory. I wander here alone, not one other human walks this world with me. Believe me I have searched. In my search I discovered that not only am I the only human here, I am the only living thing, well the only sentient living thing. There are trees, grass and flowers, which is curious to me because there are not even insects to help spread the seed of the only other living thing here. Even these do not help me feel less alone, they are no longer the wide varieties of species and colors they once were. They look as generic as those you might find in a kindergartner’s finger paintings. Nothing ever changes unless I change it. I can’t explain how unsettling it is to see a river full of water that does not run. It is just there, like a bad painting that does not even show motion. Or to see leaves on trees never dancing in the wind (for the wind does not blow), never changing from green to orange to brown, never falling from their host, just existing. The sun never rises or sets, nor does the moon. In fact for the decades I have wandered this lifeless planet I have not seen either. The world is splashed in an un-natural pale light that never gets darker or lighter. The temperature is always mild. There is no rain or snow, no storms, no tornados, no landslides. Where there were once great cities with great skyscrapers, incredible bridges and giant statues there is now only generic plants bathed in eerie pale light. Where there were once grand canyons, beautiful waterfalls, deep dark caverns and mountains that touched the sky there is only flat land. I cannot feel the texture of the trees or grass, I cannot smell the odor of the flowers and I cannot taste the earthiness of the fresh water.
The worst part about being on this earthly prison, trying to remember what a human voice sounded like or what my wife’s hair had smelled like is not being able to make the choice to leave. My sentence is not eternal; it is all based on a choice that I have to make. During my life I was not religious but I was spiritual. I believed in a Divine Creator. I didn’t know if it was God, Allah, Buddha or any other number of divine entities different religions believed in. I only knew that I was sure there was one. I believed this being designed the universe and all life in it. It was all seeing, all knowing ultimate good. I lived my life believing that if I made good choices, did good things and just generally did what I felt in my heart was right that I would be rewarded in the afterlife. I was not sure of what the afterlife would be, whether it was a paradise made up of everything I loved or being reincarnated. I just knew whatever it was would be the ultimate blessing if I did what I believed was right. I remember believing in a vengeful and angry god as a very young Christian and that always scared me. I would lay awake at night and actually fear doing bad things because they would make God angry. As I got older I experienced many hardships and always felt alone and so I stopped believing in anything. What brought me back was a scary experience that led me to a hospital emergency room, the details are not important and the incident was not life threatening but it did make me question my life. My mother always used to tell me that if you really wanted to know the truth God would set you on the right path. So I asked. Nothing ever came of that. I was not discouraged, I just started thinking. How was someone supposed to find the one right answer with all of the options out there? I always heard that the right answer was faith. In almost every religion you were told that this was the right answer and you just knew it because of faith. I began to think that was right. But instead of having faith in a particular religion I just had faith. I thought that the right answer was to believe in something, don’t hurt others, be compassionate and there was a reward for you. I never judged anyone for what they believed because I felt like if they believed it then it was probably right for them.
Unfortunately it was my indecision which led me to this purgatory. When I died I did not meet a Divine Creator, I was not sent to Heaven or reborn. I was sent here and told to make a choice. How was I supposed to know what that meant? I did not get angry, at first. I thought, for a very long time I just sat in one place and thought. I thought about all the choices I made in life and I thought about all the choices that I didn’t make. But nowhere in my memories could I find the answer. So that is when I got mad. I got up and began searching for answers in this place. I always heard purgatory was neither good nor bad, it just was. But after decades of searching for an answer, or a companion or anything that was normal it became hell to me. I even tried to end my afterlife, I wasn’t sure if it was even possible (turns out it wasn’t), but I tried. I walked into a still river put my head under and inhaled, trying to drown myself. I figured even if I was sent to some sort of hell it would be better than this because maybe then I would finally get an answer. But I just breathed in the water as if it were air. So I gave up. I can’t make a choice if I don’t know what I am supposed to choose.