Letters to Papa - 1

Dear Papa,

As all letters go, the first phrase is, “How are you?” What a silly question, isn’t it? I probably would never know the answer to “What happens after death” until I myself have passed on, or until you come into my dreams and illustrate, step-by-step, the process of dying and becoming dead. Perhaps you’re like what Buddhism says, a ball of energy or life floating around in the universe. Perhaps you are like what Christians say, a being in heaven (I hope) or hell (I hope not!). Or perhaps you’re a wandering soul, living amongst us. Perhaps you’re in a separate realm, still living your life, but utterly, blissfully unaware that you’re dead in our world.

Mommy and Brother are doing fine, I think. Today, I caught Mommy staring out of the window blankly. I didn’t say anything, and didn’t dare interrupt her thoughts. Perhaps she was thinking about you, or things related to you. We buy newspapers everyday, and leave them on your favourite chair so that you can read them. I think it makes Brother feel a little uneasy, because we’re behaving as if you’re still around. Nonetheless, I’m pretty sure that Mommy’s okay, and holding up quite well. Although she’s got a lot of things to do, since you left us so suddenly. Brother is striving hard to attain a GPA of 3.4. He’s a very good boy. Yesterday, he bought breakfast for all of us (he’s never really done that before, you know. Buying stuff for us to eat.) I help out with the housework more regularly nowadays.

Today, I went out and bought black glutinous rice and cooked pulut hitam for the entire family. The recipe calls for gula melaka (but I didn’t add that) and ten (ten!) tablespoonfuls of sugar (I only added three). I think, it would have been okay for you as a diabetic to consume, because I added so little sugar. If only you were around to sample my cooking. Actually, my cooking isn’t all that bad! I can improve, after loads of practice. You were always very supportive of my efforts to cook anyway. Remember the latest time I tried to cook? It was the blueberry pancake. I had such a tough time flipping the pancake, remember? Tomorrow, I might try the sago pudding recipe. I also bought a whole lot of ginger today so that I can try the ginger ale recipe tomorrow. I’m still thinking about the tea eggs. I wonder if I should try it or not, since each of us can only eat so many tea eggs!

Another thing happened today. The company I went for an interview with has rejected me. If you’d been around, you’d have told me (albeit a little disappointedly), “It’s okay. Just apply to other companies and we’ll see how it goes.” Actually, I’m truly disappointed to hear that they rejected me. I would really really have liked to contribute to the company, you know. But it’s okay, Papa. I’ll find something else to do with my life, like I told Mommy.

Godmother keeps calling nowadays. She has been calling every single day, since she returned to her country. Maybe to Mommy it’s a little annoying. But to me, I think it’s pretty sweet that she calls to check up on us. You have a kind sister.

I feel so down, Papa. I wish you were here. Then, I could talk to you once again about my future options, my dreams, my ambitions, my goals in life. I wish you were here. I wish I could speak to you once again, for you to offer me advice and give me assurance. I miss you. I really really really miss you. Papa, it’s so hard to be strong without your silent reassuring presence.

We all miss you very very very much.

I miss you the most.