Zac, my love

“One more.” The nurse said as my head fell back against the pillows. Exhausted, I looked at my mum seated beside me. She gave me a worried smile and squeezed my hand. Gathering up all my resources, I waited as I’d been taught in ante-natal classes until I felt the peak of the contraction. Squeezing my muscles as hard as I could I pushed. There was an odd slithering feel and quick short gasp before silence.

“It’s a boy.” The nurse said, turning away with a white wrapped bundle in her arms.

“My baby.” I whispered, sitting up. “I want to see my baby. Where is he? What’s wrong?” Hysteria was beginning to fill me. He wasn’t ready to be born. Couldn’t possibly … I was only 30 weeks. Seven and a half months ago my life had changed forever.

“We’re just putting him on oxygen, don’t worry, you’ll be able to see him in a moment.” The nurse said, smiling at me. Mum wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and handed me a drink, I sipped at it, my eyes fixed on the doctor and nurses gathered around the humidicrib. Wires and machines were being fed into my tiny baby’s body.

“He’s dead, isn’t he?” I sobbed as my mother rubbed my back consolingly. Coldness washed over me. It couldn’t end like this. Not this. Not my baby. He may have been unplanned, but not unwanted. From the moment I knew I was pregnant, there had been no choice. I was keeping my baby.

The nurse smiled at me again as the doctor moved away. Tears sprung to my eyes, blinding me. He was so tiny. But so beautiful. A small tube had been taped to his nose, forcing oxygen into him while more tubes seemed to be stuck all over his chest, arms & legs. He was moving, his little arms moved as I stared at him. Love surged in me as I touched the plastic separating me from my baby. He was so … perfect.

“He’ll have to stay here for a while, his lungs are under developed but he should be fine. We will have to do some tests and wait and see to be sure. Congratulations Ms Nichols. Have you picked out a name for him yet?

“Zac.” I said and licked my lips. “After his father.” I heard my mothers soft gasp as I said it and turned to look at her. “How could I have explained?” I said quietly. “It was one night … I was drunk … I never imagined I would meet them. That I would be invited back stage.” My voice trailed off and I turned back to look once more at my son. My son who would never know his father. Abandoned before he was born. That was perhaps unfair of me. Zac and the Rabbits had been on a world wide tour, I had met them in Sydney seven and a half months ago. It had seemed really cool, my friend Emma and I had been right in front of the stage, one of the guitarists, the bass player was right in front of us all night making suggestive gestures. Then a security guard had approached us, inviting us to the back stage party. Emma and I didn’t even think before accepting.

We were just sixteen … still in High School. I remember giggling hysterically as Zac kissed my neck, with the dope and the alcohol I was more than wasted. The pill should have worked, except I had vomited and forgotten about it, until two weeks afterwards when my period was late. But it was exam time, and I was under a lot of stress, so put it down to that. Then I started putting on weight, no matter how much I dieted. It was mum that realized what was going on. She sat in the toilet with me and cried when the home test said positive. I was her baby, her youngest of three … and I was having a baby.

I hated lying to them that I didn’t know who the father was. My father was furious, threatening to go around all the homes of the boys at school. He thought I had got knocked up at a party a few weeks before. How could I tell him, how could I tell them that the father of my baby was a famous musician who I would never see or hear from again?

I had written to Zac, care of the management company and fan site, informing him of my pregnancy. But had never heard anything back from him – not that I expected to. I just thought, you know … he would like to know he was a dad. But I guess not, I guess he didn’t care, about me … or little Zac.

The nurse took me back to my room, and I fell asleep with the assurance that they would wake me the moment there was any change in Zac’s condition. It was some hours before the doctor returned to me, he looked pale and exhausted. Pulling up a chair, he sat beside me and sighed. I knew it was bad news.

“What is it?” I asked, barely daring to breath. “What’s wrong with Zac?”

“Ms Nichols, your son has a cognitive heart condition. A hole in the heart, he needs major surgery to repair the damage. But before we go ahead, we need to know about any other family history … yours and … the fathers?”

Coldness once again filled me. I knew nothing of Zac’s side of the family. Not what they would need to know. Crying … I told him all that I knew, most of it was gibberish blubber. His face grew harder and colder the more I spoke and I wiped my tears away, clutching my knees to my chest. This wasn’t happening. My baby would die without the treatment, and they couldn’t go ahead without knowing the family history.

The doctor rose and patted his notebook. “We will just have to make do with what your mother has given us. Hopefully there are no other underlying issues we haven’t yet discovered.”

Wandering down to the nursery, I sat for hours staring at Zac sleeping in his humidicrib. The nurse who had helped deliver him, smiled and handed me a polaroid. “A copy for you ...just in case.” She said softly. I nodded, staring down at it. My baby surrounded by tubes and wires. He looked so tiny, so defenceless.

For two days I was numb, numb inside and sore. My days were filled sitting in the nursery wrapped in surgical clothing, staring at my son while the doctors and nurses did everything they could for him. Little Zac had an infection, so they had to delay the surgery. Give his little body time to get stronger, to give him a better chance of success.

Released from the hospital, told I had to leave as they needed the bed for other patients. I returned home to my parents house. Leaving Zac behind was the hardest part. Walking into my room, I sat on the bed and stared at the small white painted crib. My old crib from when I had been a baby and I sobbed. Everything was still as I had left it the night I had gone into labour. I didn’t want any of it, I just wanted Zac home with me. Home and safe and well.

Even so I switched on the laptop, the nurse had given me information about a website where you uploaded your baby pictures to share with other new mums. She thought it might help. There was even a support group for mothers like me. Mothers who had to leave their children in the hospital. I read some of the stories, the successful stories of small premature babies who had survived – some of them had been even smaller than Zac. That gave me hope. I had to hope, it was all I had left.

Checking my mail messages, there was some from my friends. Messages of congratulations from Emma, she was on holiday on the Gold Coast with her family. Begging to see pictures of Zac, so I sent her the link to my new photo album. An unread email from the official fan site caught my eye. Wondering ... I clicked the link. Could it be ... Zac?

Spam. Nothing but junk. I almost closed the site in disgust. My baby – OUR baby was fighting for his life in hospital. Angry, I began a new post on the forum, including all the pictures from my photo album as I could.

* * * * * *

Turning on the computer, I hummed softly as I waited for it to start up, sipping at the steaming cup of coffee. There was so much work ahead of me already, piling up on the desk in my home office. I loved working for my brother though. Zac was a great boss, part of being the big sister I guessed, I could still boss him around, keep his ego in check. Checking my mail first, there were heaps of responses. As forum administrator, I had set it up to receive a warning when a certain thread received a set number of replies. Curious, I wondered what the fuss was about and clicked on the link.

Images of a tiny baby surrounded by wires and machines caught at my heart. It looked so small, so defenceless. One of the members posting pictures of some abused baby, I mused and scrolled down a bit. The words jumped out at me “Zac, please I don’t care that you don’t want to see our baby. I’m not after money, just information. My baby needs an operation to repair the hole in his heart. Dr Zinmai says he cannot operate without a full family history. Contact me urgently, anyone with information.”

I sipped my coffee and scrolled further down. Abuse after abusing post. One member offering to cut her throat and the throat of the bastard child and put everyone out of their misery. Another offering to help with the deaths. Most were ridiculing the girl for daring to accuse that Zac would abandon his girlfriend and baby and that she must be suffering some delusional sickness.

The girl had posted back, again claiming she wasn’t after money, just information and with more pictures. Not just the child ... but her and my brother. I knew it was Zac and my heart froze as I picked up the phone.

“Hello? Fuck, what time is it?” My little brother groaned groggily.

“Almost 8am Zac – we have a problem.” I could hear my brother coughing on the other end of the line and turned the handset away. “Zac, Melbourne last year, good party?” I asked staring at the image of my little brother obviously wasted with his arms around a pretty, young looking woman.

“Shit, that was last year.” Zac yawned “How the fuck am I supposed to remember?”

“I’d try if I were you.” I replied coolly. “According to the forum, you had some fun ... with a girl called ... Nix.”

“So?” Zac answered, yawning loudly. “What the fuck did you wake me up this early for?”

“Because ‘Nix’ got pregnant, you idiot. She’s posted images of the two of you together on the forum – and the baby.”

“Baby, what baby?” Zac sounded stunned and suddenly wide awake. “Hold on lemme get the laptop. The baby Zac thread? Holy shit ... is that a kid or-”

“It’s a baby Zac ... on life support. Born at thirty weeks, congenital heart condition, he requires an operation to repair a hole in his heart.”

“So? Probably some sick fan after money.”

“I don’t think so Zac. She sounds desperate for information. Hold on the other lines going crazy.” I put down one phone and picked up another. “Hello? Zac Raeburn’s office.”

“Amanda? You seen the forum yet?” Came my assistants worried voice. “What do you think she’s after?”

“Information.” I sighed, sipping at my now cooling cup of coffee. “Zac can’t dare deny the baby is his. He was in Melbourne that night. Oh god, what a mess. Why on earth didn’t she-“ My eyes fell on the box of unopened mail. Oh shit. “Kaylee? I’ll call you back. “I need to check something.”

Kaylee hung up the phone, I clicked on the members profile. ISP numbers matched an Australian address. Running it through a check, it came back as Melbourne. Pulling the box down from the cupboard, I rifled through the list of names. Thank god I saved everything. Finding the envelope with the date of the Melbourne concert, I pulled out the list of names, running my eyes down the names.

“Mandy!” Zac was screaming down my cell phone. “What the fuck is going on?”

“I’m getting there.” I panted. “Oh god, here we are. November 11th, Melbourne. Back stage passes … reporters, the age, the herald sun … triple j … and we have one Emma McGennisken and a Aleshia Nicholson.”

Oh god.” Zac groaned. “It’s too early for this bullshit.”

“Hardly bullshit.” I yelled back at him. “You do these sort of things, you can expect some consequences. Why the hell didn’t you use a condom? I don’t want to hear the details Zac.” I said quickly, holding up my hand as if he could see it on the other end of the line.

“I always use a fucking condom.” Zac spat bitterly. “I’m not fucking stupid. Maybe it broke or something, I don’t know. Shit wasn’t she on the pill, everyone’s on the pill!”

“The pill’s not 100%.” I said softly. “Look, Zac I’ll close the thread for now. Delete it, but what do you want me to say to her?”

“I dunno.” He yawned. “Why didn’t she contact me?”

“Maybe she did.” I sighed and looked at the boxes of yet to be opened fan mail. “You get tonnes of stuff sent on here, it’s months old before we see it usually.”

“Yeah, I know.” Zac sighed. “Hey, listen … don’t delete it, not yet – move it to admin or something. You really think she’s telling the truth?”

I licked my lips and nodded. “Yes … gut instinct tells me yes. She has a photo of the two of you together. We have a listing of her name on the backstage pass list. Zac … even if the baby isn’t yours … Things don’t look good right now, ok?”
“What do you want me to do?”

“Nothing for now … I’ll message her, see if I can find some more information. If she wants info on you, she’s going to have to come up with more.”

“How much more do you want?” Zac asked. “A photo of us fucking?”

“She’s already posted that.” I sighed and rubbed my temples. “Well not quite, but it left little to the imagination. Get some sleep, I’ll call you when I find out more.”

* * * * *

As if I could get back to sleep after Amanda’s phone call. I threw my cell onto the table beside the bed and lay back staring at the ceiling with my hands folded under my head. A baby. I was too young to be a father. Not even twenty two yet. I licked my lips and rolled over, logging into the forums again. Mandy had moved the thread to admin, she didn’t waste any time. It was great to know I could rely on her. Scrolling through the pictures, I felt numb. My son. He looked so tiny, you could barely see anything under the tubes and machines. Was this ‘Nix’ telling the truth?

Looking through the photos she posted of the two of us together, I couldn’t remember her. She was pretty though. A little on the short side with long blonde hair and big blue eyes. Perfect breasts. I could remember doing someone though after the concert. Brad had picked out her friend, odd the things you remembered. The friend was even prettier, brunette with long legs and shapely hips.

Why hadn’t she contacted me? Surely she could have … have what I thought glumly. Sent all the administrators a personal message, it would have been instantly deleted as spam. Mailed the management company? Again, any letter like that would have been destroyed. Even if she had sent something to the fan email box that Mandy and Kaylee supervised, there was no guarantee that it would have come back to me. Any message would have been treated as a joke.

Perhaps this was the only way. I read through the messages again. I’d hardly abandoned my pregnant girlfriend – not that Nix had claimed to be my girlfriend … just a one night. Licking my lips, I light a cigarette and stared again at the photo of the two of us together. My hands covering both her tits as we laughed into her camera. Amanda was right, it did leave nothing to the imagination.

“Christ.” I muttered and threw back the blankets. Grabbing my case, I thumbed through my diary, I usually only used it to sketch things as we travelled, but it also contained my bookings for the next three months. Thumbing through the pages as I loaded another page on my laptop.

* * * * *

The roar of the engine died and was replaced by the barking of dogs, I looked up as the door opened and my little brother walked in, whistling softly. He removed the dark glasses and sunk down into a chair next to my desk.
“I’ve booked two tickets.” He said quietly and looked at me. “Don’t argue sis, you’re coming with me.”

“Zac, I can’t possibly – there’s the kids and Steve and - ” I broke off and looked at him. “You don’t even know for sure if she’s telling the truth.”

“Are you willing to take the chance?” Zac replied and met my eyes. “If she is … Look I know things happened, I just…”
“She may have slept with someone else.” I said quietly.

“Maybe.” Zac shrugged and rose, pouring himself a coffee. “You said yourself your gut instinct. I don’t know.” He added running his fingers through his hair. “You sure this Nix is … what if it is mine?” He whispered and met my eyes. “I’ve already missed out on … everything. I wanted to be there … you know … like Steve was with you when Jake and Steph were born. I thought I would be married … see her getting fat, rub her belly … sing to the baby. Even be there for the birth.”
He smiled softly, I rose from my chair and hugged him. He was my little brother, I didn’t like to see him hurt like this. I felt prouder of him than almost at any other time. He wasn’t just a kid anymore, he had grown up.

“What do we know for sure?” He said softly, pulling away from me, an embarrassed grin on his face.

“Nothing more, just that she can prove she was there that night, and that you slept together. Zac-“

He nodded. “I called the hospital.” He said quietly. “There is a Doctor Zinmai working at St Mercies General in Melbourne. He was in surgery when I called … I couldn’t get any information about Nix … or the baby. Privacy.” Zac drew a deep breath. “I checked an online phone directory. There’s no listing for an Aleshia Nicholson.”

“She’s only sixteen, seventeen.” I said quietly. “She could be still living at home with her parents.” Zac nodded and I sighed. “Zac, you’re due in the studio in two weeks to start recording.”

“We’ll be back by then.” Zac smiled softly and punched my arm affectionately. “Plane leaves 2pm tomorrow, I’ve booked a return flight for a week later and two rooms at the Hyatt.”

“What if it’s not yours?” I found myself asking. “She could still be doing all this for money, or some sick joke.”

“Worry about that later.” Zac sighed and downed the last of his coffee. “More concerned if she’s telling the truth.” He smiled ruefully and kissed my cheek before rushing out the door.

* * * * *

Zac wasn’t doing as well as Dr Zinmai hoped. His little lungs weren’t responding to the treatment as well as they should. Mum hugged me, but I didn’t feel it. I was numb, dead inside. There was nothing I could do. My baby was going to die and I could do nothing but watch him suffer. Lying in the crib with his knees partially drawn up in pain, wires and tubes covered him almost completely. I had never felt more useless.

Sinking down into the chair beside the bed, I covered my face in my hands and wept. Willing my baby to live, to fight on. Jaundice had set in, turning his skin yellow. A light had been placed over him, a solar light to help his body fight back. Then staff, an infection from the operation to close the hole in his heart. One of many, Dr Zinmai had said he would need – if he survived.

Footsteps sounded down the passageway and I half turned, glancing at my mum. Dad and Josh weren’t expected in yet, they were busy out on a customers block preparing the wooden beams that would support the concrete slab due to be poured tomorrow.

“Ms Nicholson?” A woman with an English voice asked cautiously. I turned in surprise. She was dressed in jeans and sweatshirt, her long blonde hair pulled back from her face in a pony tail. But it was the young man standing next to her that I stared at. Zac. I knew that short cropped blonde hair and blue eyes anywhere.

“Zac?” I croaked, struggling to my feet.

He licked his lips nervously and entered the room, holding out a hand, but his eyes weren’t on me, they were locked on the crib that held our baby. “Oh my god.” Zac whispered, letting go of my hand to touch the plastic. “How is he?”
“Not good.” Mum said and introduced herself with a shy smile. “Dr Zinmai …” She broke off and dabbed at her eyes. “He’s so tiny, poor little mite. His lungs … he can’t breathe and … heart complications.”

The woman with Zac, who I guessed to be his sister hugged my mum and then hugged me. “He’s beautiful.” She said softly. “How old is he now?”

“Two weeks tomorrow.” I whispered, licking my lips and glancing at Zac. I was surprised to see tears in his eyes and touched his arm. I never realised he cared, but he was as worried about his baby, our baby as I was. His arms slid around me and we hugged quietly.

“When did you arrive?” I asked and flushed, realising we were alone in the room. “I never expected you to come, I-“

“Plane landed about an hour ago, we came straight here.” He said quietly. “We can’t stay long just … a week.” He sighed and run his fingers through his hair. “I’m due to start recording in a couple of weeks and-“ He sighed and looked at Zac sleeping in the crib beside him. “You sure he’s mine? I know it’s a horrible question to ask at a time like this but-“

I nodded and looked away, feeling cold inside again. “I’m sure he’s yours, there hasn’t been anyone else. I mean … there was a month or so before but …Zac.” I licked my lips and looked at him. “I don’t want anything, if you’re worried about money or-“

He nodded and squeezed my hand. “I’ll make sure he’s taken care of, I just had to ask … Mandy.” He sighed and looked back at the crib. “I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this on your own. If I’d known …” He sighed and closed his eyes, leaning back in the chair. “I wish I could do something.”

I turned and saw mum and Zac’s sister talking quietly just down the passageway. “Where are you staying?” I asked.
“Hyatt Regency.” He smiled softly and my heart flipped, he really was cute. “We stayed there last time I was in Melbourne. They look after me.”

I nodded and rose, walking towards the window and staring out over the city skyline. I hated this, hated waiting around for something to happen. Wishing that Zac would get better … I’d wished that Zac would come, that he would want to see our baby. But now that he was here, I felt lost. Feeling a hand on my shoulder, I looked at him, saw the concern in his blue eyes.

“Shh.” Zac whispered as he held me, I snuggled up to him, crying. I didn’t want our baby to die. I had thought that if he would just turn up, it would make everything all right. He was here, and nothing had changed. A loud beep came from one of the machines and we both turned, staring at the crib as a nurse entered the room.

She pressed a button, her dark eyes watching the almost empty bag of solution. Her eyes ran over the rest of the equipment and she smiled at us. “He’s started breathing on his own.”

Relief flooded through me as Zac grinned and hugged me firmly. “He’s gonna be ok?” Zac asked.

“Too early to tell yet, but it’s a good sign the new treatment may be starting to work.” The nurse smiled at us both and slipped out of the room.

I turned to Zac, feeling myself tremble. He smiled and held me close to him before kissing me softly. Pulling away from him, I licked my lips. “He’ll be ok.” Zac murmured, smiling again as his arm slid around my waist, pulling me back against him.

* * * * *

The days sped by, it was hard to believe it was only a week since Amanda’s telephone call. So much seemed to have happened. I visited the hospital every day, spending every waking moment with my son and his mother. Aleshia was a good chick, funny as hell. We found we had a lot in common – besides our baby. Standing in my motel room, throwing the last few things into my case I realised I was going to miss her. She’d grown on me, I didn’t love her, I knew that but she was special to me, and it wasn’t just because of little Zac. I enjoyed her company, enjoyed making her laugh.

Opening the door, at Amanda’s knock I realised I would miss her terribly. “Almost packed?” Mandy asked as she glanced around the room.

“Yeah.” I said quietly and sunk onto the sofa, lighting a cigarette. “Be good to get home and … you must be missing Steve and the kids.”

Mandy smiled at me softly, sitting beside me and hugging me quickly. “You’re a good kid Zac. You’ve changed the last week or so.”

I nodded. “Sis … Zac and Ally they need me. And I’m not a kid, I’ll be twenty two next week. That’s not the point … I … I want Zac to get the best treatment, as soon as he’s able to be moved, I want them to come to London. I want to be there for them, for Zac. I want …” I sighed and broke off, licking my lips. “He’s my son Mandy.” I said quietly. “I want to be there for him.”

“Doesn’t have anything to do with Aleisha at all?” Mandy smiled at me. “She is pretty, and you’ve been spending a lot of time with her.”

“You think I can’t keep it in my pants?” I asked, feeling angry with her. This wasn’t about sex, it was about my baby and his mother. “Shouldn’t I want him to get the best treatment?”

“I was thinking of Aleisha.” Mandy said quietly. “She’s just seventeen, she has her schooling to think of, and you really expect her to leave her family and friends behind and come live with you? Zac, it sounds like a romantic ideal. Not at all practical, you’ll be spending the next two, three months in the studio, then you go on tour, you won’t be around for the next six months at least. You have contracts, commitments. Or do you think Aleisha and Zac will be able to come with you?”
I sighed. “What do you want me to do? I can’t sit by and do nothing. Zac –“

“Zac is already getting the best treatment possible.” Mandy said softly, her voice dropping to that of our own mother’s usual lecturing tone. “What more could be done for him?”
“He’s my son.” I said quietly.

Mandy nodded and patted my arm consolingly. “And you’re not going to do any more for them by bringing them to England. I know you want to be there for them, but Zac, surely it’s best that Aleisha and Zac remain here in Melbourne with family, friends and with the best medical help available. Aleisha can finish her studies, you’ll still be able to stay in touch. It’s not the same, I know that.” She said softly and stroked my cheek. “Unless you’re going to turn your back on everything you’ve worked for, for the last six, seven years.”

She was right, I knew she was right. Aleisha was better off staying with her family. Her parents would support her, help her take care of the baby. She’d already arranged with her high school to return to studies, to repeat the last year. Karen, Aleisha’s mum was going to take care of Zac while Aleisha was at school. And Zac … Dr Zinmai was taking good care of him, moving him to London would only mean having to find another doctor. And for what? So I could call a different location. I had things I had to get done. The new album, the tour of Europe and America coming up. There was no way Zac or Aleisha could come with me on that.

I sighed and picked up my wallet from where I left it on the table. “Better go say goodbye, I suppose.” Mandy smiled at me softly.

Walking into the hospital room, I was aware of a change in the air. Tension and excitement. Ally was laughing softly, tears streaming down her face as she turned and smiled at me. A bundle wrapped in blankets in her arms. I almost ran to her, to our son, gazing down at him as she held him in her arms for the first time. Kissing her forehead, she smiled and handed him over.

Holding my son, I felt weak, gazing down at his tiny body. He was so small, so defenceless, so precious. Little Zac stirred, his whole hand clasped around my little finger. Mandy took a photo of the three of us together. Aleisha, me and our son.
Ally smiled up at me, and kissed me gently. “He’s going to be Ok.” She said quietly. I nodded, blinking back the blinding tears and kissed her again. Our baby was going to make it.